Monday, September 24, 2007

Online Diary Entry: Attempting to Find Some Purpose (without the aid of therapy)

This is what happens to me when I don't have a weekly hour with my therapist. Okay, so it happens even when I do!
I feel restless, itching to do something but not knowing what it is, like something's on the tip of my tongue and if I only concentrate just a little bit harder, I'll figure out what it is.
I used to dive in to projects, passions, even people's lives, then find myself desperately drowning and needing some air. I'm determined not to do that again, but without it, I feel lost.
I'm not the kind of person that can just live through my kids. I can't even obsess about work anymore. I've "balanced" myself out so much that there's no one outside of my kids that counts on me, that needs me in that way that my codependent former self used to relish!
Not that I'm mentally, and emotionally healthy or anything like that! Stable, yes. But healthy? No, this can't be what healthy looks like!
I feel like I'm just waiting, to solve a problem, to be challenged by my kids, or even to fail spectacularly. I'd like to reach for success, but I don't have any clue as to what I need to achieve that's obtainable. I need a focus, a purpose, yet even just maintenance takes so much out of me that I have no energy for something new.
:::sigh:::I don't even know how to finish this post.

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