Yes, it's that time of year again! And this article has some fascinating facts and figures that make me believe every year, more and more will be celebrating.
To kick this off, I want to start by addressing those who may not be single by choice, or wouldn't call themselves happily single.
For whatever reason, you're single at this moment, and this is your life right now so embrace it. Here are some ideas on how to take care of you.
Take time to do what you love. I'd be hard-pressed to find anyone, even among the happiest couples I know, that don't have certain activities or hobbies that don't interest their partner/spouse/whatever you want to call them. Whether it's binge-watching a certain TV show, hiking, the opera, even dancing around your living room... you can enjoy freely, and without that feeling that the other is just tolerating it. If these activities take place outside of your home, consider doing them solo. Personally, I love belting while making dinner, picking a show to binge-watch on weekends, and I have a few shows coming up where I've just bought one ticket.
Take care of your money. I sleep so much better knowing that I have a plan in place that's working for me. Of course, I'm far away from most of my financial goals, but I'm moving in the right direction. I know how it feels to not have a plan, too. It's incredibly empowering to know I'm taking care of my money.
Re-think your home. To be clear, I don't mean spending lots of money on this, but take another look at where furniture, pictures and knick-knacks live. Sometimes, there may be only one or two lay-outs that make sense in the space, but a re-configuring of treasured items may help you appreciate them anew...or you may prefer empty space there instead now. Coming home should feel inviting, and if it doesn't, consider what changes could be made that would make it so.
Define (or re-define) your goals. Plan your future as if you'll always be single. You may or may not be, but again, this is your life right now. Are there classes you've been meaning to take to advance your career? Is there another career path that you want to research? If you're closer to retirement, have you thought about what that would look like? Figure out the small steps you can start taking today to live the future you want tomorrow. Writing the book and the upcoming workshop both came from thinking about this.
Connect/re-connect with your friends. Be forewarned: if you've dropped friends for a relationship, some may not be anxious to re-connect without at least calling you out on this. If that's the case, honor their feelings. I still don't see as many of my friends as often as I'd like, but I enjoy it whenever I do. Especially if it's some quality one-on-one time together over lunch or dinner. I actually prefer that over seeing shows or movies with friends - where talking to each other is the main activity. There's one friend in particular I have a standing lunch appointment once a month. It's always something I look forward to, it's always a good conversation, and I just always feel good after spending time with her.
Biologically, we are each whole all by ourselves.
I definitely went through a period soon after my divorce where being alone completely terrified me, so I do get it. But once I accepted my single status, I was able to start thinking about me and my life and what I could do to make it better. We have so little control over so much of the world, and many of us are responsible for the care of others, but often feel like no one is taking care of us...and that's because as adults, we are responsible for our own care. Whether single or coupled, take that responsibility seriously. I'm pretty sure you'll find yourself well worth the effort!
Showing posts with label National Singles Week. Show all posts
Showing posts with label National Singles Week. Show all posts
Monday, September 19, 2016
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Tips for the Single Parent
In 10 years of single motherhood, there are lessons I have learned. Some of them, granted, everyone has to learn for themselves, but I also appreciated others before me who taught me by their own experiences. So while we celebrate #National Singles Week, this one's for my fellow single parents:
Don't look at single parenthood as a transitory state. Whether it may or not be is not the point. The point is, you and your child/ren cannot stop living life while you are a single parent. And this is one I learned the hard way. I kept waiting for something to happen until eventually, I realized that I had to make things happen. So I went back to school, and I researched alternative schools for my girls, and I planned events for the three of us to enjoy our lives now. I think that most days, most of the time, we can each say that we love our lives.
Be realistic about what you can accomplish. There is a lot of pressure on single parents to be and do absolutely everything for their children. You are still just one person, and in order to be the best parent you can be, you have to allow yourself some down time. We can and do perform daily miracles, but we have to know our limits, too. You are not a "bad" parent if you opt out of PTA meetings so that you can be home with your children, or you can't take your kid to a birthday party because of your work schedule. And guess what? You're not even a bad parent if you miss the science fair! I missed one once, and while Sylvia does remember that, she also remembers all the times that I was there. Yes, we want to be there for every special moment, but I reconciled it for myself by remembering that we are indeed separate people. I may not always be there for everything physically, but my heart is always with her.
Your child will misbehave. Because they are children. Not because you're a single parent. I definitely threw myself on the cross more than a few times in the first few years, telling myself that none of this would happen if they had two parents. Which, of course, now I look back and just shake my head. All children push parents' buttons. It's their job! And it's our job to muscle through and deal.
Ignore the vampires. In [title of show], there's this great song ("Die Vampire, Die") which describes the naysayers as vampires because they attempt to suck the hope and joy out of our lives. There will always be people who don't get it. Don't waste your time and energy (which are both limited with our lifestyle) trying to convince them to validate your life or your family. There are so many better ways to use that time and energy. Like, playing Words with Friends or sleeping. I mean, almost anything else is a better use of your time!
When it all gets to be too much, get out of your own head. Your feelings are absolutely valid, and I am the first to say cry it out or see a therapist or talk to a friend about how frustrated or lost or alone you feel when you feel that way. But eventually, you have to get out of your own way and the best way to do so is to be there for someone else. And I don't mean your children. I mean, volunteer for a charity. Or help a friend move or write a resume or just listen to them talk about their lives. Helping someone else is the most powerful reminder of the vastness of the world and our part in it. Single parents have an enormous capacity to be there for other people. And sometimes, we have to give of ourselves elsewhere to be better parents at home.
Finally, don't forget to celebrate! Celebrate #singles week, celebrate getting to work on time, celebrate when your checkbook balances. I mean, don't go overboard and buy yourself a gift you can't afford, but at least smile. Revel in your kid's laughter and the beauty of your child sleeping peacefully and the quiet soft love in holding their hand. Listen to music you love while you wash the dishes and make their lunches. Celebrate their milestones, and your own.
You probably don't hear this often enough, so come back here and let me be the one to tell you, you're doing a great job.
Don't look at single parenthood as a transitory state. Whether it may or not be is not the point. The point is, you and your child/ren cannot stop living life while you are a single parent. And this is one I learned the hard way. I kept waiting for something to happen until eventually, I realized that I had to make things happen. So I went back to school, and I researched alternative schools for my girls, and I planned events for the three of us to enjoy our lives now. I think that most days, most of the time, we can each say that we love our lives.
Be realistic about what you can accomplish. There is a lot of pressure on single parents to be and do absolutely everything for their children. You are still just one person, and in order to be the best parent you can be, you have to allow yourself some down time. We can and do perform daily miracles, but we have to know our limits, too. You are not a "bad" parent if you opt out of PTA meetings so that you can be home with your children, or you can't take your kid to a birthday party because of your work schedule. And guess what? You're not even a bad parent if you miss the science fair! I missed one once, and while Sylvia does remember that, she also remembers all the times that I was there. Yes, we want to be there for every special moment, but I reconciled it for myself by remembering that we are indeed separate people. I may not always be there for everything physically, but my heart is always with her.
Your child will misbehave. Because they are children. Not because you're a single parent. I definitely threw myself on the cross more than a few times in the first few years, telling myself that none of this would happen if they had two parents. Which, of course, now I look back and just shake my head. All children push parents' buttons. It's their job! And it's our job to muscle through and deal.
Ignore the vampires. In [title of show], there's this great song ("Die Vampire, Die") which describes the naysayers as vampires because they attempt to suck the hope and joy out of our lives. There will always be people who don't get it. Don't waste your time and energy (which are both limited with our lifestyle) trying to convince them to validate your life or your family. There are so many better ways to use that time and energy. Like, playing Words with Friends or sleeping. I mean, almost anything else is a better use of your time!
When it all gets to be too much, get out of your own head. Your feelings are absolutely valid, and I am the first to say cry it out or see a therapist or talk to a friend about how frustrated or lost or alone you feel when you feel that way. But eventually, you have to get out of your own way and the best way to do so is to be there for someone else. And I don't mean your children. I mean, volunteer for a charity. Or help a friend move or write a resume or just listen to them talk about their lives. Helping someone else is the most powerful reminder of the vastness of the world and our part in it. Single parents have an enormous capacity to be there for other people. And sometimes, we have to give of ourselves elsewhere to be better parents at home.
Finally, don't forget to celebrate! Celebrate #singles week, celebrate getting to work on time, celebrate when your checkbook balances. I mean, don't go overboard and buy yourself a gift you can't afford, but at least smile. Revel in your kid's laughter and the beauty of your child sleeping peacefully and the quiet soft love in holding their hand. Listen to music you love while you wash the dishes and make their lunches. Celebrate their milestones, and your own.
You probably don't hear this often enough, so come back here and let me be the one to tell you, you're doing a great job.
Monday, September 16, 2013
National Singles Week 2013
I'm thrilled to once again participate in National Singles Week (Sept. 15 - 21).
A few months ago, I had the honor of meeting Bella De Paulo, arguably this nation's foremost expert on singles issues. I am thankful that she always has the info to fight those certain stereotypes against singles and single moms. Please go to her site, buy her books, and learn about why these issues are important in her post kicking off the week.
Singles issues aren't just for people like me that relish in their single lifestyle. Bella's research has shown that more Americans live the majority of their lives as a single person than as a married person. It affects all of us at one time or another so I love being a part of #singles week.
I've already written plenty of times about why I love being single, so I should address when it's not so great. But just like with everything else in life, you don't have to be great at doing everything alone to like being single.
For most people, the scariest part of being single is being alone. I will admit that I still don't feel comfortable dining alone in public and I avoid it. And really, it hasn't been an issue. It's cheaper to eat at home anyway. Most days at work, I bring my lunch and eat at my desk. Which isn't as bad as it sounds. I search for Broadway videos and always end up smiling. Otherwise, I eat lunch with friends or at committee meetings for the non-profits I support.
There are certainly times when I feel like the odd man out. At work, the majority of my colleagues are married. Most of the time, it's not an issue, but there are times when I feel like the odd woman out. Still, they are short-lived and certainly not the only times of discomfort in my life. And most definitely not enough of a reason to search for a relationship that I don't really want.
I suppose the most annoying thing of all is the conception that being single is a transitory state. And I think it annoys me most of all because I was also guilty of believing that for a very long time.
When I first started googling for single mom support groups or single mom bloggers, the focus was mainly on dating sites and government assistance. I stopped using Google Ads and changed my profile because saying I was "single" meant the ads were all focused on becoming un-single. Somewhere along the way, I found Bella and others that delivered what I was really searching for: a community that wasn't trying to change my status.
Other sites celebrating National Singles Week: Onely, The Spinsterlicious Life, and Unmarried Equality.
A few months ago, I had the honor of meeting Bella De Paulo, arguably this nation's foremost expert on singles issues. I am thankful that she always has the info to fight those certain stereotypes against singles and single moms. Please go to her site, buy her books, and learn about why these issues are important in her post kicking off the week.
Singles issues aren't just for people like me that relish in their single lifestyle. Bella's research has shown that more Americans live the majority of their lives as a single person than as a married person. It affects all of us at one time or another so I love being a part of #singles week.
I've already written plenty of times about why I love being single, so I should address when it's not so great. But just like with everything else in life, you don't have to be great at doing everything alone to like being single.
For most people, the scariest part of being single is being alone. I will admit that I still don't feel comfortable dining alone in public and I avoid it. And really, it hasn't been an issue. It's cheaper to eat at home anyway. Most days at work, I bring my lunch and eat at my desk. Which isn't as bad as it sounds. I search for Broadway videos and always end up smiling. Otherwise, I eat lunch with friends or at committee meetings for the non-profits I support.
There are certainly times when I feel like the odd man out. At work, the majority of my colleagues are married. Most of the time, it's not an issue, but there are times when I feel like the odd woman out. Still, they are short-lived and certainly not the only times of discomfort in my life. And most definitely not enough of a reason to search for a relationship that I don't really want.
I suppose the most annoying thing of all is the conception that being single is a transitory state. And I think it annoys me most of all because I was also guilty of believing that for a very long time.
When I first started googling for single mom support groups or single mom bloggers, the focus was mainly on dating sites and government assistance. I stopped using Google Ads and changed my profile because saying I was "single" meant the ads were all focused on becoming un-single. Somewhere along the way, I found Bella and others that delivered what I was really searching for: a community that wasn't trying to change my status.
Other sites celebrating National Singles Week: Onely, The Spinsterlicious Life, and Unmarried Equality.
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