Is it Possible to Heal Without Forgiving?

I've been exploring my past lately, and there are a lot of things that I'm seeing with a new perspective. Sometimes, we need the distance before we can do that. Some of it, honestly I've been avoiding. 

But not anymore. 

I think it's helping because if I look back at something again, I can recognize what I felt without feeling it again. 

I don't hate my ex anymore. I feel nothing for him. I'm not mad, I'm not angry, but I don't pity him or wish him well either. I'm surprised that he's still alive, but that's the closest to a feeling I get. 

But I don't forgive him.

There was a time when I blamed myself for not being able to forgive him. And then I reached the screw it stage, and just sort of forgot about him. I ask the girls every so often if they've heard from him, but we usually move on to another topic pretty easily. 

Watching the series Maid did bring those years I was with him to mind. I recognized that character a lot. But I wasn't so much about him. I was remembering the way I felt after things he would say or do. I've known for a while that he inflicted emotional abuse, but I also carried shame about it. That I "let" this happen to me. I'm letting that shame go. 

All of this is good. 

What I question now is as I've titled this. I know I don't forgive him. That would require some amount of care for him that I'm just not willing to give. And yet I still feel healthier. 

Do I need to forgive him to completely heal? Or is this healed enough? 

'Cause I feel pretty good! 

Just Another Pop Culture Post

Okay, so I've calmed down a lot, thanks mostly to all the support I've received from all of you - thank you! I'm ready to have a new post up, yet I can't think of much to say.

Except that I neglected to mention that I saw Minsky's last week at the Ahmanson, and had a great time. It's sheer musical comedy, and it doesn't try to be anything more than what it is, and yet still manages to comment on our times (given the play's time period of the Depression). There's a love song to the theatre, which you know I completely bawled through! The plot is fairly predictable, but I didn't care. It was a fun ride. I have a feeling we'll be seeing Minsky's up for some Tony Awards.

Also, the Oscars. I actually loved the Oscars this year. Hugh Jackman is so incredibly talented! And I loved the way that each acting nominee was truly acknowledged this year by the past winners. There were some moments in those presentations where I was teary-eyed.

It was also fun because Sylvia got into it this year with me. Even though the only nominated film she's seen is Wall-E, she still had fun watching the show (especially the musical numbers). I'd seen just one more movie (Vicky Christina Barcelona) so I didn't have my heart set on anyone or any movie winning, either. I was surprised Sean Penn won over Mickey Rourke, but very pleased that both Penn and the screenwriter of Milk had an opportunity to speak to the global community about the importance of equality for all.

I'm also enjoying Big Love being back; I LOVE this show. The female actors on Big Love are phenomenal powerhouses.

My friends, L & J (the ones I went on the cruise ship with), and I just got our tickets for Dirty Dancing. I hope it's fun. We're already quoting it to each other. Of course, we all remember that nobody puts Baby in a corner. I'll let you know how it is after I see it in May.

I'm half-heartedly watching American Idol, but I've been very disappointed so far. Adam Lambert is definitely the best singer we've seen yet, but he needs to fix some performance quirks before he can be called amazing. I'm nervous about the Wild Card night. Must we see all those tedious singers once more?!? How's that going to work?

I've found some long-lost relatives on Facebook, which is pretty cool. Well, they weren't so much "lost," but I still have not seen a lot of them since I was in high school, maybe?

Oh, and speaking of Lost, I'm not so much liking this watching it on real TV thing. Not that I want to miss it, but I preferred being able to see multiple episodes in one or two viewings via Netflix. This one-episode-at-a-time thing is just frustrating.

So I'm watching another show via Netflix. Weeds. Because I don't get Showtime, I've never watched this show, even though I love Mary Louise Parker. It's great to see her in this! And Elizabeth Perkins - how great is she? I just finished the first season. This show cracks me up. I'm glad I've got a ways to go before I'm all caught up. I just hope it doesn't make me want to subscribe to Showtime.

So that's my pop culture post for ya!