My Abortion Saved Me and My Girls

I woke up the morning after what I'd thought was a really productive conversation with X. He acknowledged the mistakes he'd made, vowed to do better, and we were going to try and put our family back together again. 

I went to the place where'd I'd hid the grocery money. X had already emptied my bank account, so I'd resorted to hiding cash around the house to cover child care, groceries, and other expenses. This time, I'd put it in a shoe. 

But there was no money in there. After our so-called productive conversation, X had found it, and spent it on drugs and/or alcohol - don't know, and at that moment, I no longer cared. 

After years, two daughters and one miscarriage, a wedding, several moves in a total of 4 states, I'd simply fallen out of love with X. I'd even warned him a few weeks prior that I thought this could happen. My love had been the only thing holding us together. And now it was gone. 

I don't remember the exact timeline here, but it wasn't long after that when I discovered I was pregnant. 

My girls were about 2 1/2 and 5 1/2 at the time. I already knew I was going to leave X, and I couldn't imagine trying to explain divorce and adoption at the same time. 

I had no idea how I was going to manage. I was living across the country from my family at the time, working in the field I loved, but with a boss who threw a chair at an employee and would yell at us during staff meetings. 

Now, I'm fully aware that I played a role in this, that I had responsibilities. The responsible thing to do was not bring another human into the chaos that was our lives at that moment. 

Thankfully, at the time, we lived about a block away from a Planned Parenthood. The idea was that I'd go home after, but my nightmare boss made me come into work...and then later questioned my loyalty, which is when I decided to leave that job, too. 

The procedure was simple enough that I could work afterwards. There was very little pain. Frankly, a lot less painful than childbirth! And a lot less expensive than raising kids. 

My daughters are now 21 and 24. They're both working in fields they love, which happen to be with children. 

They're both on birth control, even though only 1 has a serous relationship right now. 

I'm incredibly proud of them. I'm also proud of me. I raised them. I got myself a job in a department with really good people, who supported me and cheered me on when I went back to school. I work for a boss who recognizes that people come first, and gave me promotions every time he could. 

I own my own townhouse now. I'm raising two kitties now (both rescues). 

Not once have I ever regretted my decision to have an abortion. And no, I don't even regret the intercourse that led to it, because at the time, I was committed to my marriage. Which he broke. I just finally put myself and my girls back together. 

No one deserves my story, which is why I haven't shared it before. I'm sharing it now because this country still allows free speech. I've got to exercise any and all rights I have left! 

 

Unpartnered Women Aren’t Killed By their Partners

I’m embarrassed to say that the thought only occurred to me from one of those gifs, but there is a feeling of relief that remaining single will help keep my life story from becoming a Lifetime movie! 10% of homicides are committed by an intimate partner, and 70% of those killed are women. 

We hear a lot about the fear that being single means dying alone. I'd rather die alone than be killed by a partner. And my taste in men is pretty rotten. 

On this International Singles Day, let's celebrate life! 

Let's celebrate our freedom, our financial independence, our vibrators, random encounters, and shaping our own days and nights. 

My daughters recently turned 21 and 24. Sylvia is now the age I was when I had her. 

The world has already changed so much. At that age, I’d never heard of Singles Day. I thought that marriage and parenthood was inevitable. I knew I could have a career, too, but I thought I was supposed to want it all. 

I’m glad I chose my daughters and not the man. Any of them. 

I made so many mistakes, but the best thing I did was show them that it can be done. That I could raise them without a man. 

They see their future possibilities so much differently than I did at their age. I celebrate that most of all. 

Happy Singles Day! 

Balancing Children's Needs With Your Own

I was talking to a friend recently that I haven't spoken to since I was deep in the midst of single parenting - my daughters were in middle school and high school back then. He was truly surprised that I wasn't broken up about being an empty nester. I think because he saw me put my children first always, he thought I would have a hard time letting go. I did not. 

I told him, I think it's because I was a full-time single parent for most of their lives. There were far fewer breaks for me than parents who split custody and certainly two-parent households. 

But I also think that I was making a mistake by putting my children first, always, for them and for me. 

As they got older, there was still an expectation that I would drop everything for them, and it took me not doing so a few times for them to understand that they were capable of figuring out the solutions for themselves. It's not that they weren't a priority, but what they needed me to do was let go so they could shine. They needed to believe in themselves as much as I believed in them. 

But this isn't really about them. I also lost sight of me.

While I have said many times that I'm not a fan of labels (and I'm not), I didn't realize how much I depended on them to define me. Mostly, as a single mother. Also, as a loyal employee and colleague, as a paralegal, a feminist, supportive friend, my cats' loyal human. And while I am proudly all of those things, there is still so much more to me. 

I've been reveling in the gift of more free time. Without kids to shuttle to and from school, without having to commute to work in these COVID times, and without locking myself into Boards of non-profits, my evenings and weekends are mostly mine. And what's non-sensical is how much I still feel like the hours are limited!

It's not that I'm running around like crazy, it's that there's so much I want to do! I'm not anxious about it, I'm luxuriating in it. 

I'm taking virtual tap dance classes, I'm reading multiple books, I'm watching whatever interests me, I'm writing in my journal, I'm writing here again, I'm trying new recipes, thinking about the past, planning a future, taking online classes, enjoying my cats, asking Siri random questions, coloring, I'm getting to learn and explore anything that interests me. 

And that's exactly what I wish my children saw me doing more when they were growing up. Instead, they saw me always giving to others, and role modeling that behavior. 

Now, I think they already understand this better than I did at their age, even with my mistakes. So my regret is not about what it did to them, but about the time I lost for me. 

Some of our fondest memories are the times we spent immersed in theatre together; being in plays together, going to see musicals, listening to them in the car. A lot of conversations were sparked by a song or a line. 

I know that sharing my love of theatre with them is what brought this connection. I think more connections could have been built if they'd seen me enjoying other things as well. 

And I think I would've been stronger, a better mother, a more patient human, if I hadn't let so much go. 

Now, obviously, we have to put our kids' safety first. We have to make sure their needs are met. Sometimes, just doing that can take up most of our energy. 

Usually, when mothers talk about "me time," it's a ladies' night with alcohol or a bubble bath. Those are great, sure, but they're indulgences. Somewhere along the line, I also lost sight of reading books for pleasure, listening to music when I wasn't driving, taking my eye off the to-do list. 

On a walk recently, I realized that even though I wasn't listening to a podcast or music, my mind was spinning with my to-do list - which was ridiculous because I didn't have my planner with me to write anything down, and I was actually doing something at that moment that was on my to-do list! I could just enjoy the rest of the walk and not think about what comes next. 

We mothers get criticized anyway you look at it - we're either hovering or negligent; too distant or too friendly with our kids; spending too much time at work or not giving the kids breathing room. Screw it. 

Once you answer these type of questions for yourself, the best thing you can do for both you and your kids is to remember what brings you joy and to share that joy with your kids. 

Yes, their grades matter, but more important is their mental health. They will learn to take care of that by you role modeling what works for you. 

It will probably help to think back at what you liked when you were their age and introduce that to them. They might not love it as much as you do, but they'll love being with you when you're happy! 

That's the crazy, cool thing about it - focusing on your needs is actually good for your kids, too. 

I’m a Homeowner!!

Truly, a sentence I didn’t think I’d write.

December 2003, I was moving into a 1-bedroom apartment, where I would sleep on a futon in the living room, starting life over as a single mom with two girls not quite 3 and 6. We furnished the place using hand-me-downs from colleagues and friends, or pulled out from my parents' attic, having been stored there since I left Los Angeles before I'd had either daughter. We were the recipients of my department's Adopt-a-Family program that year (albeit unofficially).

I hadn't graduated college yet. I didn't know where the next decade would take me or the girls. I sometimes doubted my ability to ever feel whole again.

And here I am, a college graduate with a paralegal's certificate. I've been promoted up to a manager title, working for one of the most quintessential household names. Trustee of my own estate plan. And holder of my own deed. And future.

My daughters are finding their own way. I still don't understand when parents grieve their children growing up because I'm finding so much joy in this part. I love watching them grow up and become adults that care about the world and the people in it. I'm so proud of the young women they're becoming.

Sylvia loves her job because she sees it as bringing joy to children. Obviously, there's more to it than that, but she understands the joy as the motivation behind everything she does, so she strives to do it as well as she possibly can. Honestly, what more could a mother want?

Riley loves her job because she helps children. She enjoys school because she loves learning more about the world and figuring out how she can do her part. She delights in making people happy. Her smile always has and always will light up my world.

And now, as I joked to Riley earlier, if I die, I'm leaving you an asset!

I feel prepared for the responsibility now, and grateful that it's a townhouse so there's still an HOA to call for the roof! I have worked so hard at getting my financial life together that even though I've just taken on a whole heap of debt, I know I can manage it. I have visions for the future, but not so clear that there's not room for nice surprises!

I feel proud and empowered and grateful and lucky and pure joy! Today has become a new holiday for me. And I've opened the bottle of wine to celebrate!

Self-Care; Unmarried & Single Americans Week

Yes, it's that time of year again! And this article has some fascinating facts and figures that make me believe every year, more and more will be celebrating.

To kick this off, I want to start by addressing those who may not be single by choice, or wouldn't call themselves happily single.

For whatever reason, you're single at this moment, and this is your life right now so embrace it. Here are some ideas on how to take care of you.

Take time to do what you love. I'd be hard-pressed to find anyone, even among the happiest couples I know, that don't have certain activities or hobbies that don't interest their partner/spouse/whatever you want to call them. Whether it's binge-watching a certain TV show, hiking, the opera, even dancing around your living room... you can enjoy freely, and without that feeling that the other is just tolerating it. If these activities take place outside of your home, consider doing them solo. Personally, I love belting while making dinner, picking a show to binge-watch on weekends, and I have a few shows coming up where I've just bought one ticket.


Take care of your money. I sleep so much better knowing that I have a plan in place that's working for me. Of course, I'm far away from most of my financial goals, but I'm moving in the right direction. I know how it feels to not have a plan, too. It's incredibly empowering to know I'm taking care of my money.

Re-think your home.  To be clear, I don't mean spending lots of money on this, but take another look at where furniture, pictures and knick-knacks live. Sometimes, there may be only one or two lay-outs that make sense in the space, but a re-configuring of treasured items may help you appreciate them anew...or you may prefer empty space there instead now. Coming home should feel inviting, and if it doesn't, consider what changes could be made that would make it so.

Define (or re-define) your goals. Plan your future as if you'll always be single. You may or may not be, but again, this is your life right now. Are there classes you've been meaning to take to advance your career? Is there another career path that you want to research? If you're closer to retirement, have you thought about what that would look like? Figure out the small steps you can start taking today to live the future you want tomorrow. Writing the book and the upcoming workshop both came from thinking about this.

Connect/re-connect with your friends. Be forewarned: if you've dropped friends for a relationship, some may not be anxious to re-connect without at least calling you out on this. If that's the case, honor their feelings. I still don't see as many of my friends as often as I'd like, but I enjoy it whenever I do. Especially if it's some quality one-on-one time together over lunch or dinner. I actually prefer that over seeing shows or movies with friends - where talking to each other is the main activity. There's one friend in particular I have a standing lunch appointment once a month. It's always something I look forward to, it's always a good conversation, and I just always feel good after spending time with her.

Biologically, we are each whole all by ourselves.

I definitely went through a period soon after my divorce where being alone completely terrified me, so I do get it. But once I accepted my single status, I was able to start thinking about me and my life and what I could do to make it better. We have so little control over so much of the world, and many of us are responsible for the care of others, but often feel like no one is taking care of us...and that's because as adults, we are responsible for our own care. Whether single or coupled, take that responsibility seriously. I'm pretty sure you'll find yourself well worth the effort!

9 Year Blogiversary - Announcement!

I'm holding a workshop in October on single parent budgeting. This will be in Burbank (L.A. area) on October 5 and I hope you can join me! I loved writing the eBook, but I really want to help people IRL, too!

My 9-year Blogiversary seemed a fitting time to announce this to any readers I have left :)

You can RSVP by emailing me (admccaffery at gmail). In case you can't read the attached, if you want to earn a gold star, please track your spending for about a week before the workshop and bring that with you.

Hope to see you there!

Financial Literacy Month 2016: Budgeting Beyond Diapers & Day-Care

I was surprised when I heard a financial expert on a podcast say that she thought her costs would go down once her child was in school. Kids do not get cheaper as they age. The costs just become less fixed.

I admit, I felt the same sense of relief when I stopped paying for daycare, but reality set in fairly soon. School supplies, after-school activities, outgrown clothes and shoes, school fundraisers, teachers' presents, birthday presents, summer camp, book fairs and so on.

Granted, there are things you can do to keep these costs from skyrocketing (buying used clothes, saying "no" to fundraisers, having your child make presents), but not spending any money is next to impossible.

The easiest way to transition from the fixed day care costs to these lumpy, don't-know-when-they'll-hit costs is to budget the money you were budgeting for day care to a "kids' expenses" category. I lumped them altogether like that so that once a year, I can look at how much I'm really spending on these things and adjust as necessary. Let me tell you, that number didn't go down until one of my kids had a job!

If your budget is still struggling to keep up, it may be time to look for cheaper alternatives.

My daughter's love of art and dance really flourished at the local Boys and Girls Club. She received many opportunities there that would have cost a lot more at private dance or art studios, and had a lot of fun. Once she was ready to move on to a private dance studio, she volunteered to decrease the monthly tuition. It never hurts to ask if you or your child can volunteer in exchange for a discount. I believe that my daughter got more out of her private dance studio experience because of the hours she spent helping there. She loved working with the younger kids and received advice and inspiration from all the teachers, not just her own.

Often, she would ask if we had a certain something for an art project. Often, we didn't. Sylvia never let that stop her, and would come up with creative solutions that garnered her more pride than merely buying something. 

Once you think your kids are old enough, you can involve them in the conversation and their answers may be the best! If your child really really wants to be on the team, they may be more than willing to contribute half their allowance or set up a lemonade stand for the uniform and association fees. And if they don't, then why are you stressing about it? Toss the application and move on with your life!


Even when they're younger, you can start talking about choices. When you're at the grocery store, and your child is asking for this, that and that and that, tell them they can choose one. Or give them a dollar amount (no more than $5, probably) that they can use on a treat. (This also helps with their boredom and impatience at the store!)

The choices are not always that easy, of course, but the more your kids practice making choices, they'll be more prepared to tackle the difficult ones.

I always wanted to give my kids more than I could afford, but they usually exceeded expectations when I couldn't.

Still, there will be those times when $$ just has to be spent. If you never count on costs going down, you'll be better prepared for those times.

1st Financial Update of 2016

You Need a Budget (YNAB) came out with a new program that is web-based, which I started using Dec. 30. Personally, I like the technical changes.

I decided to start fresh, update my categories, and this new perspective showed me that, hey, I actually have spending $$ available! Now, I didn't go nuts, and I'm still pretty focused on building my Freedom Fund...but I also didn't stress about buying new boots when I saw how worn mine had gotten. I didn't stress about buying a new laptop because my old one was going. I planned outings with friends without stressing about $$.

Sylvia's budget has also gone really well (and she too prefers the new YNAB). She decided to start community college and, for the first time ever, got my seal of approval to dip into her Emergency Fund :) Of course, I told her this can't be a regular habit, but given the timing, it was the best option. Now, we have a better understanding of how much she'll need each semester, and can budget accordingly. Neither of us regret that she took some time off before starting school again, and both of us are confident that community college is the right place for her right now.

She is also budgeting regularly for car maintenance, car insurance, registration, gas/parking and her insurance deductible. There's no way she could afford to live on her own right now, but she is developing good habits and staying out of debt.

Meanwhile, Riley and I have started a car/driver's license fund. As with Sylvia, she will have to wait until she has a job before she can really get going on driving (or anything else), but at least we're on the same page about things.

The new YNAB has an "Age of Money" feature. The goal is for the money you spend to be at least 30 days old. Sylvia and I both have "35 Days" as our Age of Money.

I decided to use my most recent 5th paycheck to fund one annual category in full to alleviate the "monthly" budget (as well as beef up my Freedom Fund), which I'll do again with the next 5th paycheck.


I'm also beefing up Theatre Tix to see Hamilton at least twice and Something Rotten on their national tours. And I have a really lofty goal for my Freedom Fund, but it's more than a decade away.

I'm not sure if it's truly financially viable, but it's a really great motivator to continue cutting costs where I can and dream about being able to afford what I really want!

But in the meantime, I'm making sure there are enough funds to not only cover our needs, but some of the more reasonable wants, too.

I think I'm even starting to believe that we are in the middle class after all!

eBook now available in Paperback!

It's a little more expensive this way, but I decided to make the book available in paperback form. You can buy it on Amazon or CreateSpace. And, it should also be available in public libraries soon so feel free to ask your local librarian, too!

Also, MyGreenFills is sponsoring a contest for a free washer and dryer! Enter here by Feb. 28:  Samsung Activewash Contest- MAIN

Admiring my Daughter's Independence

Riley really wanted to see this recently-released movie. So she did. By herself.

I don't think I realized that it can be great doing things by myself until my thirties.

It wasn't until after I dropped her off that I even realized that she was doing what she wanted to do alone. Sylvia and I have both experienced the struggles of trying to make things come together with friend groups and sometimes, it feels like more trouble than it's worth. Riley didn't even bother trying. She had this window of opportunity to see this movie on opening weekend, and we picked the time and theatre and that was that.

Afterward, I told her that I was proud of her for doing this, and she acknowledged that she felt a little awkward when she saw she was the only one by herself (and when the theatre's commercial promoted "togetherness at the movies"), but once the movie started, she was glad that no one was trying to talk to her during the movie and she could just relax and enjoy.

I remember when we were in NYC, I went to see Next to Normal by myself...and was really glad that I was alone. The show is so emotional that it took me several minutes to collect myself to just stand up! And walking back to the hotel was a great time to reflect on what I'd just seen. I didn't need to worry about whether anyone else enjoyed it, I got to have my own authentic experience (and I loved it).

Now, I also enjoy seeing things with friends and the girls. I remember when the girls and I saw The Book of Mormon with two of our friends, and at intermission, my friend Nancy and I just giggled with delight that we were finally seeing it! It's great to have a conversation after about what we liked, what we didn't, what it made us think about.

But when it's too much of a hassle, when you're afraid no one else will get it/like it, when you have this window of opportunity to do something you solely want to do, it's great to just go do it by yourself.

I love that it didn't take Riley decades to discover that.

The Real Benefit of Savings

I seriously loved this article. It reminded me of how I ended up marrying X in the first place. And staying with him for as long as I did.

I didn't marry him until I was 7 months pregnant with our second child. At that point, it seemed inevitable. When he asked, there didn't seem to be any real reason to say no. I figured having kids with him was a bonding enough experience, so why not get the marital benefits out of it?

Except, of course, marrying the wrong person can be the worst mistake you can make - emotionally and financially.

Because he was such a drain on our finances, it wasn't long until I felt I wasn't in any position to leave him. Finally, the timing worked out where I was both 1) ready to leave him emotionally, and 2) had a tax refund to get out of there.

My daughter has previously asked me why I make her save 20% of each paycheck, and also, why I always say "no" when she wants to dip into it. Now, granted, her financial needs are low and her salary is low. But she already has more in her Emergency Fund than I ever had until just about 2 years ago.

Oh sure, it can sound romantic and noble to have nothing, to be reminded that money isn't everything (which it isn't), but I think it's time for a new financial story.

We need protection from our own bad decisions or unlucky twists of fate.

I can remember more than once calling my sister in tears because of yet another financial consequence of that truly terrible decision. I remember wondering, when will it end? Why wasn't it enough that I was raising the girls on my own while working full-time (and for many years, going to school part-time at the same time)? When would I be done paying these dues?

Without a financial safety net (whether you call it an Emergency Fund, a Freedom Fund or a F*** You Fund), it took me about a decade.

Now, if all that sounds too maudlin, here's another perspective. I hope the first time we both think it's okay for Sylvia to dip into her Emergency Fund is for a happy twist of fate. I hope that it's to help pay for a move for a great new career or education (without draining the Fund completely, of course). There can be opportunities that require a little investment to get started. Of course, I hope it's for something like that.

The real benefit of savings is to minimize the disruption of a bad decision/unfortunate event or maximize an opportunity. To take care of you when you need it.

Consider CoAbode

I've previous mentioned CoAbode here, and told Bella DePaulo about it for her book, How We Live Now. CoAbode helps single mothers find shared housing with other single mothers and their children, which can really help both financially and emotionally.



Now, CoAbode needs our help. They need to revamp their website, hire staff to expand their services, all while keeping it free for single mothers using their services. To be clear, I'm not gaining anything by posting about this. I just think they're a great service and want to help their efforts.

Go to their indiegogo page to contribute to CoAbode's campaign.

Involving Your Kids in the Budget

At this stage, my daughters are fully aware of the budget and YNAB, and Sylvia is using YNAB for her own budget. I talked about this in the Conversations About Divorce podcast, but not sure I've covered this here. I know I would not have been able to change budgeting course without involving my kids.

Now let's be clear: this is not about making your kids worry about money or feel bad about what they need, but about using everyday opportunities to teach money lessons.

I don't think there's anything my girls don't know about my money life these days, but of course, it didn't start that way. Here's a basic guide for introducing age-appropriate money lessons:

Pre-school: Choices. You're at the grocery store and they ask for this, that and the other thing in every aisle. Let them choose one item. Of the multiple things they want, they'll have to choose one. You don't have to bring up prices at this point - of course, if they want something outside of your budget, that'll have to be a "no." I always claimed veto power to control this. But overall, at this stage, you just want to bring up the concept of prioritizing and that you can't have everything by giving them the power of choice.

Elementary School: Now, you can introduce the concept of a budget. At the grocery store (or Target or the amusement park): they have $x dollars, and it's up to them how many items they get for that amount. This is when they start learning about value.  My own daughters would make different choices, depending on the situation, but I could see that they were figuring out the value set by the "invisible hand" for the items they liked. This can also work for special events, buying gifts for friends' bday parties or teachers, maybe even helping to plan a family vacation. This is where they start wrapping their head around the concept of money.

Middle School: Around this time is when the girls started understanding the household budget. They would often see it on the computer and they would ask me questions about categories. I would also tell them when there were changes that would affect them, and sometimes they would help me re-prioritize based on new information. Again, this is not about making them worry about it, but understand how to balance it all. For instance, if they wanted to start a new activity that would cost money, they would have to make a sacrifice somewhere else in the budget. This is also when they started paying for their own "wants" out of their allowance, while I continued to take care of their "needs."

High School: Once they have their own job, they should have their own budget. I'm a stickler for making Sylvia save at least 20% in her Emergency Savings. (And this is also when she learned that a broken boot was not an "emergency." Instead, she paid for shoe repair.) I even make Riley save 20% of her allowance. Ideally, they should also start learning about investments and retirement savings, too, but those are more abstract concepts that still may be hard for them to grasp. But if you can at least make savings a regular habit for your kids, that's a good start. Also, Riley and I talk regularly about how to pay for college. It's a fine line between stressing them about college loans/savings and helping them think proactively and realistically about it, and there's only so much information you can work with until acceptance and financial aid has been sorted, but it should definitely always be part of any conversation about college choices.

Most kids aren't getting any financial education in school so it's crucial that it starts at home. Sylvia didn't have an  economics class until her senior year, and Riley hasn't had any to date. Sylvia said she felt ahead of the curve in her class because she was already familiar with YNAB and budgeting.

Not all the conversations go swimmingly, of course, and they're practically guaranteed to make some poor spending choices, but the earlier they learn these lessons, the sooner they can recover. And, hopefully, avoid some of the mistakes that I made!

Single Parents Appreciation Day

I started my official journey as a single mom in 2003. Truth be told, I was a single parent the whole time since I was the only one putting their needs first, but that's another story. Sylvia's graduation from high school this June will mark the end of one era.

12 years ago, months before Sylvia's 6th and Riley's 3rd birthday, our world changed forever. We moved back to L.A., I had no job, no checking account, no car and we were living with my parents. It was hard. It was emotionally exhausting. But it was the start of a new life.

Being divorced is different than being a solo parent from the start; not necessarily better or worse, just different. And some divorced parents are great at co-parenting, but the key to co-parenting is both parents have to be willing. In our situation, that wasn't an option.

But that didn't mean I was alone. I had my parents, my sister and her family, and I ended up landing a job with the best department ever. Through the years, we've been lucky to attach ourselves to more great people.

Without dismissing all these cherished relationships, most of the time, it's just me and the girls. And most of the time, that's all we need.

In the beginning, I was questioning myself more often than not. And I made enough mistakes to have good reason to question myself! Not to say I don't question myself now, but I have a different outlook these days.

I tried plenty of other people's ideas along the way. Family meetings, chore charts, tying allowance to chores, docking allowance, trying to schedule one-on-one time, routines...and on and on. I read tons of parenting blogs and websites, trying to find the magic formula of parenting. Of course, there is no such thing, which I knew, but still felt like I had to try.

Eventually, I settled into just being myself. I still read, I still considered, I still tried different things, but somewhere along the way, I knew that I couldn't do something because it worked for someone else. I could only try it if I believed in it.

I am probably the most inconsistent parent ever, but the girls (and I) have learned to accept that about me. The way I look at it, it's worth trying, but there's also value in admitting I was wrong. I don't want to be the one doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results! Instead, I want to try something new. And when that doesn't work, bag it, and try something even newer!

The girls have no trouble making fun of me when I admit I blew it. They will tell me when they think I'm wrong. But they will also tell me when I was right. They're not as forthright about it, but they find their ways.

I have learned that one has to have the same (or substantially similar) conversation at least 3 times before the message starts to get through. I think they must dismiss the first without a thought, they hear but don't believe the 2nd, and by the third time, they start to see the validity of my words. Sometimes, there's a 4th time where they say it like they're the ones who thought so in the first place!

Which is why you have to keep your sense of humor. Not just a single parent, not just as a parent, but just to get through the day. But it also gives the girls freedom to laugh at themselves, too.

The truth is, I don't think I'll ever get over the guilt of not giving them a father worthy of them. But I so appreciate their forgiveness of that. They've long gotten over any anger towards me about that, and they have outright thanked me for leaving him and giving them a better life.

They have taught me so much about love and respect and forgiveness and self-efficacy and self-confidence and I am so very appreciative to be their single mother. Today and every day.

National Single Parents Day: March 21

Yes, another celebration! National Single Parents Appreciation Day is this Saturday, March 21.

Some ideas from About on how to celebrate:

• Write your elected official.
• Write a letter to your children.
• If you were raised by a single parent, call them! 

I have a few other ideas, too:

• Re-examine your budget. We can help our kids now and in the future by modeling good financial habits.
• Introduce your child to something you love: a favorite song/movie/book, a cleaning hack, a card game. 
• Let your child introduce you to something they love. I don't always love it as much as they do, but I do love to see that light in their eyes!
• Take time for yourself. As a single parent, you have earned it!

Tips for the Single Parent

In 10 years of single motherhood, there are lessons I have learned. Some of them, granted, everyone has to learn for themselves, but I also appreciated others before me who taught me by their own experiences. So while we celebrate #National Singles Week, this one's for my fellow single parents:

Don't look at single parenthood as a transitory state. Whether it may or not be is not the point. The point is, you and your child/ren cannot stop living life while you are a single parent. And this is one I learned the hard way. I kept waiting for something to happen until eventually, I realized that I had to make things happen. So I went back to school, and I researched alternative schools for my girls, and I planned events for the three of us to enjoy our lives now. I think that most days, most of the time, we can each say that we love our lives.

Be realistic about what you can accomplish. There is a lot of pressure on single parents to be and do absolutely everything for their children. You are still just one person, and in order to be the best parent you can be, you have to allow yourself some down time. We can and do perform daily miracles, but we have to know our limits, too. You are not a "bad" parent if you opt out of PTA meetings so that you can be home with your children, or you can't take your kid to a birthday party because of your work schedule. And guess what? You're not even a bad parent if you miss the science fair! I missed one once, and while Sylvia does remember that, she also remembers all the times that I was there. Yes, we want to be there for every special moment, but I reconciled it for myself by remembering that we are indeed separate people. I may not always be there for everything physically, but my heart is always with her.

Your child will misbehave. Because they are children. Not because you're a single parent. I definitely threw myself on the cross more than a few times in the first few years, telling myself that none of this would happen if they had two parents. Which, of course, now I look back and just shake my head. All children push parents' buttons. It's their job! And it's our job to muscle through and deal.

Ignore the vampires. In [title of show], there's this great song ("Die Vampire, Die") which describes the naysayers as vampires because they attempt to suck the hope and joy out of our lives. There will always be people who don't get it. Don't waste your time and energy (which are both limited with our lifestyle) trying to convince them to validate your life or your family. There are so many better ways to use that time and energy. Like, playing Words with Friends or sleeping. I mean, almost anything else is a better use of your time!

When it all gets to be too much, get out of your own head. Your feelings are absolutely valid, and I am the first to say cry it out or see a therapist or talk to a friend about how frustrated or lost or alone you feel when you feel that way. But eventually, you have to get out of your own way and the best way to do so is to be there for someone else. And I don't mean your children. I mean, volunteer for a charity.  Or help a friend move or write a resume or just listen to them talk about their lives. Helping someone else is the most powerful reminder of the vastness of the world and our part in it. Single parents have an enormous capacity to be there for other people. And sometimes, we have to give of ourselves elsewhere to be better parents at home.

Finally, don't forget to celebrate! Celebrate #singles week, celebrate getting to work on time, celebrate when your checkbook balances. I mean, don't go overboard and buy yourself a gift you can't afford, but at least smile. Revel in your kid's laughter and the beauty of your child sleeping peacefully and the quiet soft love in holding their hand. Listen to music you love while you wash the dishes and make their lunches. Celebrate their milestones, and your own.

You probably don't hear this often enough, so come back here and let me be the one to tell you, you're doing a great job.