Thursday, November 18, 2021

Is it Possible to Heal Without Forgiving?

I've been exploring my past lately, and there are a lot of things that I'm seeing with a new perspective. Sometimes, we need the distance before we can do that. Some of it, honestly I've been avoiding. 
But not anymore. 

I think it's helping because if I look back at something again, I can recognize what I felt without feeling it again. 

I don't hate my ex anymore. I feel nothing for him. I'm not mad, I'm not angry, but I don't pity him or wish him well either. I'm surprised that he's still alive, but that's the closest to a feeling I get. 

But I don't forgive him.

There was a time when I blamed myself for not being able to forgive him. And then I reached the screw it stage, and just sort of forgot about him. I ask the girls every so often if they've heard from him, but we usually move on to another topic pretty easily. 

Watching the series Maid did bring those years I was with him to mind. I recognized that character a lot. But I wasn't so much about him. I was remembering the way I felt after things he would say or do. I've known for a while that he inflicted emotional abuse, but I also carried shame about it. That I "let" this happen to me. I'm letting that shame go. 

All of this is good. 

What I question now is as I've titled this. I know I don't forgive him. That would require some amount of care for him that I'm just not willing to give. And yet I still feel healthier. 

Do I need to forgive him to completely heal? Or is this healed enough? 

'Cause I feel pretty good! 

Thursday, November 11, 2021

Unpartnered Women Aren’t Killed By their Partners

I’m embarrassed to say that the thought only occurred to me from one of those gifs, but there is a feeling of relief that remaining single will help keep my life story from becoming a Lifetime movie! 10% of homicides are committed by an intimate partner, and 70% of those killed are women. 

We hear a lot about the fear that being single means dying alone. I'd rather die alone than be killed by a partner. And my taste in men is pretty rotten. 

On this International Singles Day, let's celebrate life! 

Let's celebrate our freedom, our financial independence, our vibrators, random encounters, and shaping our own days and nights. 

My daughters recently turned 21 and 24. Sylvia is now the age I was when I had her. 

The world has already changed so much. At that age, I’d never heard of Singles Day. I thought that marriage and parenthood was inevitable. I knew I could have a career, too, but I thought I was supposed to want it all. 

I’m glad I chose my daughters and not the man. Any of them. 

I made so many mistakes, but the best thing I did was show them that it can be done. That I could raise them without a man. 

They see their future possibilities so much differently than I did at their age. I celebrate that most of all. 

Happy Singles Day!