My Abortion Saved Me and My Girls

I woke up the morning after what I'd thought was a really productive conversation with X. He acknowledged the mistakes he'd made, vowed to do better, and we were going to try and put our family back together again. 

I went to the place where'd I'd hid the grocery money. X had already emptied my bank account, so I'd resorted to hiding cash around the house to cover child care, groceries, and other expenses. This time, I'd put it in a shoe. 

But there was no money in there. After our so-called productive conversation, X had found it, and spent it on drugs and/or alcohol - don't know, and at that moment, I no longer cared. 

After years, two daughters and one miscarriage, a wedding, several moves in a total of 4 states, I'd simply fallen out of love with X. I'd even warned him a few weeks prior that I thought this could happen. My love had been the only thing holding us together. And now it was gone. 

I don't remember the exact timeline here, but it wasn't long after that when I discovered I was pregnant. 

My girls were about 2 1/2 and 5 1/2 at the time. I already knew I was going to leave X, and I couldn't imagine trying to explain divorce and adoption at the same time. 

I had no idea how I was going to manage. I was living across the country from my family at the time, working in the field I loved, but with a boss who threw a chair at an employee and would yell at us during staff meetings. 

Now, I'm fully aware that I played a role in this, that I had responsibilities. The responsible thing to do was not bring another human into the chaos that was our lives at that moment. 

Thankfully, at the time, we lived about a block away from a Planned Parenthood. The idea was that I'd go home after, but my nightmare boss made me come into work...and then later questioned my loyalty, which is when I decided to leave that job, too. 

The procedure was simple enough that I could work afterwards. There was very little pain. Frankly, a lot less painful than childbirth! And a lot less expensive than raising kids. 

My daughters are now 21 and 24. They're both working in fields they love, which happen to be with children. 

They're both on birth control, even though only 1 has a serous relationship right now. 

I'm incredibly proud of them. I'm also proud of me. I raised them. I got myself a job in a department with really good people, who supported me and cheered me on when I went back to school. I work for a boss who recognizes that people come first, and gave me promotions every time he could. 

I own my own townhouse now. I'm raising two kitties now (both rescues). 

Not once have I ever regretted my decision to have an abortion. And no, I don't even regret the intercourse that led to it, because at the time, I was committed to my marriage. Which he broke. I just finally put myself and my girls back together. 

No one deserves my story, which is why I haven't shared it before. I'm sharing it now because this country still allows free speech. I've got to exercise any and all rights I have left! 

 

Is it Possible to Heal Without Forgiving?

I've been exploring my past lately, and there are a lot of things that I'm seeing with a new perspective. Sometimes, we need the distance before we can do that. Some of it, honestly I've been avoiding. 

But not anymore. 

I think it's helping because if I look back at something again, I can recognize what I felt without feeling it again. 

I don't hate my ex anymore. I feel nothing for him. I'm not mad, I'm not angry, but I don't pity him or wish him well either. I'm surprised that he's still alive, but that's the closest to a feeling I get. 

But I don't forgive him.

There was a time when I blamed myself for not being able to forgive him. And then I reached the screw it stage, and just sort of forgot about him. I ask the girls every so often if they've heard from him, but we usually move on to another topic pretty easily. 

Watching the series Maid did bring those years I was with him to mind. I recognized that character a lot. But I wasn't so much about him. I was remembering the way I felt after things he would say or do. I've known for a while that he inflicted emotional abuse, but I also carried shame about it. That I "let" this happen to me. I'm letting that shame go. 

All of this is good. 

What I question now is as I've titled this. I know I don't forgive him. That would require some amount of care for him that I'm just not willing to give. And yet I still feel healthier. 

Do I need to forgive him to completely heal? Or is this healed enough? 

'Cause I feel pretty good! 

How We Spent Feb 14

aka Valentine's Day. Aka, according to Sylvia, Singles Awareness Day. Regardless, we spent it planning our funerals.

Okay, so maybe a little background is necessary. Their dad's mother died recently. Thanks to their aunt, they were able to attend the services. Riley made up with X, and I'm glad because I knew her anger, though completely understandable and frankly a good form of self-protection, was weighing her down. They got to re-connect with X's family, and they got to say good-bye.

On Saturday, we got to talking about the service and she was relieved that there was no drama about it. I said it was probably because her wishes were known and carried out. So then we talked about what I would want, then what Sylvia and Riley would want. We wrote things down and the girls saw my will and we talked about possible changes after Sylvia's 18 birthday. We actually ended up laughing a lot.

Not to say that it's a laughing matter, but consider this my latest PSA on taking care of this business already! If you don't have a will yet, by all means, get one. If you have children, married or single, guardianship wishes have to be specified. If your children are now grown, it may be time to re-visit and update.

I'm also glad that the girls now know where the will and other important paperwork is. They're old enough now, and they're glad they know, too.

Of course, they also understood why I wasn't as willing a participant in discussing their own services. We all hope I won't be around for those!

So now that the love-fest or what have you is over, it's time to focus on what really matters: ensuring drama-free funerals for all!

X Chronicles Update

Wow, it's been a really long time since I've had an update on the X Chronicles!

For quite a while there, it was because things were either good or at least not bad. Last year and the year prior, I was getting child support more often than never, if still sporadically. That began to dry out earlier this year.

He made it down for Riley's cadet graduation, which impressed us, but he didn't look good at all. I'd hoped it was simply because of the long drive, but unfortunately, I don't think that was all.

Fast-forward to the girls' birthdays, and Sylvia told me he wanted them to spend Thanksgiving with him in Northern California. I was fine with the concept, but concerned about transportation. We had this conversation in early November, already too late to get any good flight deals. So I made it clear that transportation was his concern. If he wanted the girls up there, he'd have to get them there.

The girls and I both kept trying to find out what was going to happen. After a few false starts, he said he would rent a car. Fine, great.

He said he'd pick them up between 10-11 a.m., Thanksgiving eve. At 9 a.m, he texted that it would be closer to 2. I was annoyed, but whatever. Gave Riley and I a chance to go pick up her new glasses. Around 2, Riley called him and he was still up north, finishing some job. At 3, he called her to say he was on his way. At 9:30 that night, Riley called him again. She could barely hear him over the other noises in the car. So Sylvia calls him, and has the same issue. Turns out he had 3 other people in the car with him.

They are both freaking out over the possibility of driving for hours with a bunch of total strangers. I called him, and I was pretty upset. It wasn't any of his brothers or even a girlfriend. He could only give me the first name of one of the other 3 people in the car. He became belligerent, he was practically incoherent.

Finally, Riley took the phone from me, told her father she didn't want to go anymore, hung up on him, and ran upstairs crying. Sylvia was completely floored that Riley had the courage to do so, and also relieved, and also upset. I called him back, got his voice mail, and said that he could turn the car around. The girls would not be going.

We found out later that most of the rest of his family wasn't even in town, and he had told none of them that the girls were coming. It wouldn't have even been the trip they were looking forward to had it happened.

I should not be surprised, but I just cannot understand that he has not called or even texted either of the girls since. I don't know how he could make it up to them, but I can't believe he's not even trying.

Sylvia said she told a friend that her dad chose drugs over her. I told her that it's not that simple or linear. In his own completely screwed up way, I know he cares for them, but he is totally unable to care for himself, so it's nearly impossible for him to be considerate to others, even if he loves them.

I think that he really didn't think it was going to be a problem. When the girls were younger,  they wouldn't have so much noticed other people, and getting some time with their dad, no matter the circumstances, would make them happy. But they're not so little anymore.

I heard him use his high-pitched voice with both of them in their last calls to him, saying, "I can't wait to see you!" I'm sure he was fully expecting an equally excited response. Instead, they each had this look of disbelief and fury, and answered in a low tone, "'k, bye."


I remember my therapist telling me to think of him as someone who is disabled, which he is. He's fried his brain and body so much, he simply cannot function as a responsible adult. I know that. And it sucks.

The girls and I had a long talk over our own version of Thanksgiving dinner. Sylvia and I both told Riley how proud we were that she told him how she felt. And she was proud, too. Riley's most disappointed that he hasn't called because it denies her the opportunity to hang up on him again. I know Sylvia really does want to hear from him, wants him to give her an explanation, but she is also not making the first move.

They both understand, too, as much as really anyone can. They both get that it's not a reflection on them, but they also know how it's affected them. Sylvia and I have talked about her abandonment issues. Riley knows that she's more guarded about letting people really know her. But they both also know that they are loved, and they know I'll always be there for them. And they're even thankful for that.

An Unexpected Update

A couple of weeks ago, X called and said he'd like to come see the show and spend some time with the girls. I told him that's fine, I'd leave our schedule open, but to please not say anything to the girls. Just in case it didn't work out. He respected that.
Sure enough, he called the day he said he'd be in town, and the girls and I spent some time with him. And it was a very nice visit.

He paid for meals, took the girls shopping, was where he said he'd be, and was pleasant to be around. I said things that just felt weird, like, "we're having breakfast with your dad."

They haven't seen him in two years, but Sylvia has been texting with him more regularly for the past few months. Of course, they hoped he would come see the show, but they wouldn't even voice that until I told them that he was here.

Sylvia jumped up and down immediately, of course. Riley's reaction was quiet, and she withdrew to her room. About 15 minutes later, she came bouncing out, "Okay, I'm excited now! I just needed to process."

He invited me to join them for lunch and shopping, which worked out to be a nice way for all of us to feel more comfortable. After a couple of hours, I left them to spend some time with him before I picked them up for the play.

He seemed to really enjoy it (I could hear his laughter a few times), and the girls were so excited and proud that he was there. He was so impressed with how well they did.

The next day, we all had breakfast together. (And it was weird for me to tell the host that we were a party of 4; I've gotten so used to odd numbers.) Then it was time to say good-bye.

The girls agreed, it was a very nice visit. I know it meant the world to them that their dad made a special effort to be there.  While we hope there are more nice visits in the future, we will remain prepared for anything.

After the good-byes, we went to our final performance and cast party, and Monday morning, back to our commute and school and work. As nice as the weekend was, it's also nice to get back to our daily lives.

Child Support Awareness Month

I've been a single parent for 9 years, and I never knew that August was Child Support Awareness Month. The article and comments have some interesting statistics (29.2% of custodial parents receive none of the child support due), but this is a personal blog so this will be my personal story.

I have been in that 29.2% for most of these 9 years of single parenthood. There were some occasions here and there where I would receive a hundred dollars here and there, but nothing consistently; nothing that I could count on to pay a bill.

Child support is just part of the story, actually. According to our paperwork, I am also owed for half the debt incurred while we were married, half the girls' medical bills until they're 18, and half of any amount I've spent on their education. But I gave up on all that a long time ago.

I can't believe I'm writing what I'm writing, but for three + months now, I have received the full amount of child support due every month and on time. I never thought I'd say that.

I am told that he's finally getting his act together. So far, this is the most evidence I've seen of that since before I divorced him.

I have no expectations that this will last, I will not rely on it, but it has already made such a difference.

It's back to school shopping time, Sylvia needs a lot of art supplies for the new school year, and of course, there are always unexpected expenses to try and squeeze into the budget. When the money is actually in my bank account, I can revise my budget and keep us on track.

I have previously relied on my credit card for those unexpected costs, and I still can't believe that I haven't used my credit card in over a month now. I have been able to cover everything with cash in hand.

To be clear, paying child support isn't just about the money. It is about freeing my personal resources to focus on the girls, and not on the bills. It is about being able to spend time with them, and not hovered over my spreadsheet, trying to make the numbers work. It is about giving the girls opportunities that they deserve. Sylvia was able to take a Master Musical Theatre Dance class this summer thanks to that money.

And money, of course, can't buy parenting. While he is working on rebuilding his relationship with the girls, no one can close their eyes to how much he has missed. (He hasn't seen them in two years.) The money doesn't bring them closer, but it is a tangible effort that enhances the other efforts he's making by calling and texting them more regularly.

It's not even a huge dollar amount, but it's enough. It's enough to make me breath easier, to enrich the girls' lives, and it's enough to show us that he even thinks about them.

And now for my disclaimers. I don't believe in sending deadbeats to jail for not paying their child support. I don't see how that does anything but continue to deprive the kids and their custodial parent. And, if a parent is unable to find a job, then the custodial parent should work with them to find other ways to make it up; letting the kids stay with the parent (if they aren't drug addicts, abusers, or otherwise incapable) instead of going to child care, being a coach for their child's soccer team, helping with homework, driving them to school, being engaged in their child's life. There are plenty of ways to actively parent.

But there is no getting around the fact that raising children costs money. It takes two to make a child, and both parties should be actively responsible for that decision.

I know that there are stories of all kinds out there. This is ours. 

Balancing Beliefs, a Birthday, and Big Little Wolf

It was X's bday. He's over half a century old, and he spent his birthday behind bars. Riley asked me to confirm, but other than that, it didn't really affect her. Sylvia and I haven't spoken about it. What is there to say? This was just another of many birthdays of incarceration for him.

I really can't remember if he spent last year's in jail, but I'm pretty sure he did. Is it bad that I'm not sure? Since it doesn't impact our daily lives, it's hard to keep track. I focus on the more immediate needs and events of today.

Big Little Wolf (a common source of inspiration, admiration, and aspiration for me) wrote When Beliefs Are Broken. She has been a single mom for many years now, and is going through some life changes: an empty nest now, a new relationship, and she questions whether or not her messy divorce from so many years ago will still impact her relationship today, as she can't quite picture getting married again. 

My responses to her questions were far too long and involved to put in a comment. She asked:

Have you had your trust broken? Obviously, yes. There are some TV shows (reality-based and not) that are difficult to watch because they mirror too closely those years of my relationship with X. I see young women (and some not so young) struggle to reconcile who they were with what their life is with this wrong guy. I know that struggle. I had no idea who I was, and that loss of me was why I stayed as long as I did.

Have you been able to put the pieces back together? Yes, and it's a work in progress. The first year was devoted to starting over our lives. The second and third years were spent processing. The fourth and fifth years were a constant back and forth, trying to get over. I think around the 6th year was when I figured out that it's about getting through, and when I went from surviving to thriving.

If you give up certain foundational beliefs, with what do you replace them?  Well, first of all, I learned that some beliefs weren't as fundamental as I'd once thought. I realized I'd been conditioned to believe that we all want to find "the one" when really, I'm single at heart.  I also found that my real foundations were things I'd lost when I was married, and have regained since. I spent most of my 20s in relationships. My 30s have been about figuring out what's changed about me through compromises because of relationships, and what's changed because I (supposedly) grew up.

Where is the line between self-protection and self-limitation? I don't think we really know the answer to this until we've crossed that line. And very few of us are that good at admitting we're wrong until it's glaringly obvious. I'm not in the chosen few. One of the chapters of Situations Matter talks about this in detail; no one can really know themselves completely. Each situation, each choice continues to shape us.

While I maintain that the divorce itself was not my fault, the confluence of external situations and internal struggles created the perfect conditions for me to enter an imperfect union of marriage. X alone didn't cause me to not believe in myself, but he expertly exploited my inner doubts for his self-interest.

It felt appropriate to answer these questions on the anniversary of X's birth, because no doubt, his life changed mine forever and made these questions applicable to me. But one thing I know for sure? If he hadn't, someone(s) would have. I don't think I could have figured out my real foundation without having stretched it beyond my limitations.

It's Not Your Fault

I couldn't even get through Tina's post because I saw red. It seems a reasonable question, and I certainly was asked this enough times that I know the question is well-intended. But the result is what infuriates me.

Tina was asked, "why did you marry him?" Tina is sharing her journey of a horrible marriage to a narcissist and the ongoing struggles to get her ex to comply with the court's mandated visitation rules and his continued attempts to turn their daughters against Tina.

There are many differences in Tina's journey and my own, but a lot of similarities, too. I know exactly how Tina feels as she stumbles over her words to respond to her daughters when they try to understand why their father doesn't show up for visitations, or says or does things that no mother should have to explain.  I know how she feels when she wishes for a manual to guide her through this. The circumstances are different, but the feelings and desires for our daughters are very much the same.

Which is why I seethe for her when someone asks, "why did you marry him?" She was asked to look within herself to find out where she went wrong.

That's like asking a burglary victim to explain why the robber went after them.

I spent years in therapy trying to understand my own actions. You know what I came up with? It wasn't me. It wasn't co-dependency or a fault in my own upbringing. It just happened.

Sometimes, crappy things just happen.

That's not to say I didn't make choices or don't take responsibility. I take responsibility every day. By raising these children on my own, by paying every single bill, by sharing in their struggles and their triumphs. I pay for those choices in the nightmares and the reminders.

But I've also realized how many times I was manipulated. My mistake was believing in him, and believing that love could conquer anything and everything. Yes, love can be wonderful and strengthening and buoying, but only if it works both ways. In my situation, it simply wasn't. He has no clue how to love. Call it a mental deficiency, a chemical imbalance, it doesn't matter. I gave my love to the wrong person. Plain and simple.

I see red when Tina's asked this question because I know how it feels to ponder it, to try to look "inward" when the answer is outward. It's not always within ourselves to find these answers, but sometimes, it's really about someone else.

So to Tina and all the other persons, single parent or otherwise, whomever has had their heart trampled or their soul broken or their wallet stolen, it is not your fault. Stop worrying what you did to deserve this, what you need to change about yourself. Just keep getting up every day. Keep doing your best to get through the next hour. Keep remembering that every emotion has a beginning, a middle and an end, and believe that you will once again love, laugh, and feel true happiness for moments scattered through a life full of landmines, challenges, and loss.

There will be moments of revelation to come. There will be times when you'll remember something that says to you, oh yeah, I saw a red flag there, and I ignored it because...the blanks will fill in themselves when you're stronger, when you're more content, and yes, when you love yourself more. But you don't get there by beating yourself up. You get there with the pillars of strength you've built out of your own hard work that makes you proud. You get there with the help of friends that actually get you to laugh about your ex's shortcomings. You get there through every hug and kiss and "I love you" your child says. You get there when you can laugh at your own stumbles instead of cursing yourself for them.

So if someone asks, "why did you marry him?" you respond, "because I didn't have the benefit of hindsight." If someone asks, "what did you learn about yourself?" you can say that you're learned that a heartbreak doesn't actually kill you. If they ask what mistakes you've learned not to make again, you can respond that you certainly won't marry him again! And you can even say, "it wasn't my fault. It was his."

A Question of Friendship and Sharing

I hear a lot of mothers touting that they are not friends with their children, and that we mothers shouldn't be friends with our children. I also hear an assumption that single moms are too close to our children, that we share too much with them and make them grow up too fast.

I think both of these statements are far too oversimplified.

I thoroughly enjoy my daughters' company. (Most of the time, of course.) When we get along, we get along great. We laugh a lot, we enjoy many of the same things, Sylvia and I even share a fondness for Johnny Depp. I am friendly with my girls most of the time.

This, however, does not stop me from limiting Sylvia's Facebook time, saying no to Riley having a Facebook page since she's not yet old enough, or saying no to either of them for things they may want, but do not need. They have endured many lectures from me. They have been given many time-outs and other consequences. I always maintain veto power for any and all family decisions. They may not always like it, but they respect my position of authority.

I have enough evidence of them doing so to know that this is true. I've heard Sylvia repeat back things I've taught her to friends, Riley becomes very anxious at the thought of not doing anything exactly as directed. Other people tell me things the girls have told them which come straight from me. They are incredibly good about asking permission for anything they want to do that I've not expressly said they could do at any time. They are both very good girls.

I think, actually, that their respect for my authority is why we can enjoy each other's company so much. There are things that happen every day when we're away from each other that we can't wait to share with each other. We laugh at ourselves and each other every day. We can talk about the sublime and the ridiculous, and everything in between. And I do believe that when they are adults, we will still be close and share the highs and lows with each other often.

I think the misconception that single moms share too much with their children is because when there's a dramatic divorce, particularly if dad becomes absent, the circumstances themselves are responsible for a child knowing and feeling things far beyond their years. It's not what I've said about their dad that has made them have to comprehend loving while not depending upon their dad, it's because he didn't show up for their birthday party, and he was 3 days late for a visit. Yes, I've had to frame it for them, but it's to help them get through these things.

Children of domestic violence victims, children of parents lost in a war, children that have suffered under unimaginable circumstances all have to grow up too fast. (I'm not necessarily trying to compare an absent, jailbird dad with a fallen soldier, but at least the soldier has a valid excuse for missing their child's birthday party.) The parents and other loving guardians that are left to pick up the pieces of a child's shattered world aren't responsible for the damage; we just do the best we can to repair it.

The girls may not qualify as my friends, but they do know me as well as (if not better) than my closest friends. They may know a lot of truths about their dad that they wish they didn't, but it actually got easier for them once they did understand that it really wasn't them, but him.

It's anything but simple, and I'd be lucky for them to call me their friend.

Giving Up

The girls started a conversation in the car the other day about their dad. It started with Riley asking how I told them we were getting a divorce. Somehow, that morphed into a talk about how they're dealing with things today.

Riley started by saying she hated her dad, but I told her, she really doesn't. She's angry at him, and rightly so, but she doesn't hate him. She clarified that she has moments that she hates him. She said she hates it when he breaks his promises. Fair enough.

Sylvia said what she really hates is when people tell her she can't give up on him. We talked about how they just don't get it. That even if she tries to explain it to them, they will never fully understand what it's been like and how many times he's disappointed her. That for her, giving up is actually a huge step in the right direction. She's protecting herself from further disappointment by not setting herself up for it.

This is not to say that she wouldn't be happy for him if he did change his life around. But we talked about how he would need to prove it first, that words just aren't enough. And how she can't count on it, because all the evidence so far has shown that he can't.

I know most people wouldn't quite understand giving up on a parent, but at some point, we all face that our parents are just people. They see me as just a person. They recognize that while they've lost a dad growing up, I lost a partner and a co-parent. When they talk about how much they've been hurt by him, they know I get it because I was, too. Part of humanizing parents is recognizing our weaknesses, our mistakes. They've had to endure all his mistakes, and it's easier for them to do so when they see him as just a person.

We even talked about the fact that he's not evil or anything. He just can't quite do it, he just can't be a grown-up that lives up to his responsibilities. I can totally understand Sylvia's frustration at those who tell her not to give up, when giving up is the only way we can really cope with it.

We played a little of the "what if" game. If he did turn his life around, they would love it. If he could be a real parent, they would embrace that. But, they also said, he could never make up for the time he's lost. He would still never know them the way that he could have had he been around the last few years. I told them, that's his loss. But I know it's theirs, too.

I can't change any of it and of course, it hurts to know how much they've hurt. But I also can't help but feel so proud of them.

Accepting the Incomprehensible

Hearing people talk about Amy Winehouse is eerily similar to the conversations I've had about X. Granted, he's not dead yet, but every time he ends up in jail again, the questions come up: why hasn't he straightened up? When will he ever learn?

I'd lost all hope when I'd left him. That's why I left him. But every time something like this happens, the questions still arise.

My short answer is, I don't know. I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure his drug use is a form of self-medication. The most likely cause, I think, is bipolar disorder, but I'm not even sure if it's that simple - and yes, I see the oxymoron in calling bipolar disorder simple. But there are only so many labels.

When others, or even I, wonder why I stayed with him so long, it's because I did know certain things about addiction. I knew it wasn't something I could solve for him. I knew he had to be willing to do the work, and I just kept hoping that this time, it would work. From having children to getting arrested, for all the time I was with him, there was that hope that this time, things would be different. And I did love him enough to have belief in him far beyond any evidence that he deserved it. And even more, I believed in love; that it was capable of conquering all. So yeah, I stayed with him through a lot.

I did reach my breaking point, however. I loved the girls too much to continue to put them through that. And if there was any hope left, it was the hope that losing them just might do the trick.

And with the benefit of retrospect, I know now that all the visits, all the attempts to keep a bond between him and the girls was something I had to do. I wanted to believe that he would fight for them.

He does love them. He loves them the only way he knows how. He loves to hear them smile and make them laugh, and see the adoration in their eyes, but he doesn't know how to give of himself to them.

There are no easy answers. He grew up in a loving home, the rest of his family are healthy, loving people. He had opportunities, and he wrecked every single one of them. He couldn't handle any obstacle. While most of us pick ourselves up and keep going, he never could (or would) do that. He'd give up like I've never seen anyone give up - before or since.

It's still heartbreaking to see a human destroy themselves. Especially when you know there have always been people there to love him, help him, accept him. And it has taken years to truly accept that someone could give up so completely. But I do think that for him, what most of us would find unacceptable, it's not so bad.

I think it's a relief for him to be in jail, to not worry about where he's going to sleep or how he's going to eat. He has always easily made friends, and always does fine. This is enough for him.

I heard some people talking about waiting to get that phone call about Amy Winehouse. I'm never surprised by the phone calls I get that he's back in jail. I will never understand it fully, but I have accepted it.

Been a While Since I've Bitched About my X

The girls called their dad and left a message at his last known cell phone number when they learned about their acceptances to their schools for next year. Haven't heard from him yet. I don't really remember when the last time it was they did hear from him, but it's been at least a month, maybe longer.

I'm always torn about this. Part of me gets really ticked off at him for hurting them like that, especially Sylvia. She handles it pretty well, but it's still there. I see her trying to connect with him on FB, and get no response. I think we both assume he's not on the Internet much.

Then today, I made the mistake of checking his FB page. He's connected the iPhone app.

I think there might literally have been smoke coming out of my ears. For many reasons.

First, NICE that you can afford an iPhone. Haven't seen any form of child support in HOW long now (3 years easy, and that's probably being generous), and yet, he can afford an iPhone. I can't afford an iPhone. Must be nice.

Second, he is aware that it's still a phone, right? That it has the capability of calling his children? He's got to know by now about the girls' schools. It's been on FB, his entire family knows and has congratulated them, it might as well have been in skywriting by now. He can't call and congratulate them?!?

Third, I think Sylvia already saw that he has an iPhone. The other day, it came up that they haven't heard from him since they left him a message about their schools. I told them (again) that he probably doesn't have a phone. Sylvia looked like she was going to say something, but didn't. She goes on his page a lot more often than I do, sending him Fortune Cookies, tagging him pictures, practically begging her own father to notice her. It breaks my heart. And while I wouldn't necessarily call him out on his page (not for his sake, but hers), I still stop myself from sending him a private message saying, "CALL YOUR CHILD." Because he just might. And it would be nice for that call. And he might even call back a couple of times. And then he would be gone again.

Maybe he is trying to be gone for good. And maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing after all. At the same time, I think she would need closure of some sort. (I say Sylvia over and over because Riley really does seem fine with it.) If that is his plan, to be gone from her life for good, she needs to know that.

I hate this. I hate that she's always the one who has to grow and accept and adapt. But if I could know this was the last time? It just might be worth it.

That's not to say it would be easy. She'd hate it. She'd cry, she'd lash out at me, and even after we got through the worst of it, it would still hurt from time to time.

I'm sure it'll feel a little empty when she graduates from 8th grade not to have her dad there. But she knows he's not coming. She's prepared for it. There might be a hole there, but it won't ruin her day. I don't want him to be capable of ruining any of her days. But I don't know if that's possible. Probably not.

And this is what I hate the most. Not knowing what to do. Well, really, knowing there's nothing I can do. I seethe with anger, but don't know how to productively manifest it when it comes to him. I cry, but in private, where she can't see my heart break for her again. And I just keep doing what I do every day. Buy her school supplies, say yes or no to her requests, tell her to take out the trash, and kiss her good night. All I can do is love her.

No Reason

My mom likes to turn to the oft-used phrase, "everything happens for a reason" in times of turmoil. For a lot of years and momentary dramas, it would suffice. 6 months or a year later, we could usually come up with some justification.

Three years after my divorce, I still couldn't find the reason for all that had happened. And any reasoning I tried simply didn't add up. Sure, I could say it was so I could have my girls, but why did I have to marry him (while pregnant with the second child) and go through 2 years simply trying to get divorced? I could try and find a reason for why he acted the way he did, but no reason was acceptable for not paying child support. The puzzle pieces just wouldn't come together no matter how hard I tried.

So I just stopped trying.

And just like that, the moment of healing truly began. The past was what it was, and it was time to move forward. I was a single mother and these were my two girls that I loved and had to care for, and there were enough challenges with that to keep going backward.

A reasonable amount of self-reflection is certainly healthy so that we can learn from past mistakes and not repeat them as much as possible. I could look back enough to see the times that I dismissed concerns away, or believed that love could conquer anything, but there were no more lessons to be learned. I was just dwelling and waiting for some answer to reveal itself in marquee lights. That wasn't going to happen.

Even today, I can't say why X is the way he is. I can guess that there's some narcissism, some denial, and  self-medication happening to live with himself. But I can't say why he continues to be satisfied with his empty life.I can't find any justifiable reason for the girls to have a father they don't deserve.

But I do know that what I can do is be there for them always. My focus will be on what we have to accomplish this week, and what's for dinner tomorrow night, and getting the girls up and ready for school on time. The reasons are simple, the tasks achievable, and the goal is to live up to my responsibilities. How we got here simply doesn't matter anymore. 

This post is inspired by The Daily Post's topic: Does everything happen for a reason? Check the comments for other posts.

The Nightmares

Every now and then, I have nightmares about the X. Sometimes, I'm the idiot who goes back to him, and watch the things that happened back then happen all over again, knowing all the time they were going to happen, and wondering why I was so stupid to go back. Or he's somehow infiltrated our lives; he's friends with my friends or works where I work. He starts being a real father to the girls, and then doesn't show up for some important event and breaks their hearts all over again. Sometimes, I've awakened from those dreams crying, and I go through the next few days on alert, afraid he'll show up around the next corner.

I had one of those dreams recently. When I woke up, there were no tears, no fears that the roller coaster was about to start all over again. I just felt relief that that's not our life anymore.

X still calls the girls every so often, but there are fewer promises to call back in a week or so. The girls catch him up and then it's over and everything's still normal.

There were times when news of the X would throw us off balance for quite a while. Eventually, we'd find our way back. Sometimes, it took therapy. Sometimes, it just took time. We don't go through those cycles anymore.

I never thought this day would come. I remember thinking that this was going to be our lives forever because he's their father forever. Somehow, we've worked it out, and any drama in our lives is about us, not him. And maybe someday, the nightmares will end, too.

Celebrating Life after Divorce

Since My Divorce is concluding the series on my balancing act today. My thanks to Mandy for all the hard work she's put into telling our stories, and finding the universal truths in them.

Today's post talks about how much my life has changed since that moment I knew my marriage was over, through a series of small steps. This past weekend's visit with X reminded the girls and I how much his life has remained the same.

Mandy made a comment on that post that she would have been surprised had the visit gone any different.  I would have, too. I consider myself a realist, and yet there was still that ray of hope that he might just be there for his girls for just a few days. My sister helped me put it in perspective: at least the girls know now that I didn't give up on him too soon.

I remember when I couldn't fathom doing it alone. I first tried leaving X when Sylvia was 18 months old. My confidence was shattered when I tried to take Sylvia to see Elmo, her favorite character at the time, and had to turn around and go home when there was no one to help me, to keep our place in line when she needed a diaper change. I felt like such a failure. Even though I knew at the time that she most likely wouldn't remember seeing Elmo (or that she missed seeing him), I was afraid at how many other things we would miss because I couldn't do it alone.

As we were starting our weekend trip, the girls were reminiscing about our trip to Florida, our trip to San Francisco and Santa Cruz, our trip to New York. These girls have not missed out on childhood memories. We will most likely never live in a house with a backyard, I will continue to say "no" to things they want but don't need, but they have not been deprived of a childhood.

That's not to say that I wish I'd left when Sylvia was 18 months old. Had I done that, there would be no Riley. I wasn't yet convinced that there was no hope for X. I would be living my life with a huge old question mark hanging over my head. I might even blame myself for X's continued failures to be a responsible human being.

I regret nothing. I can only be grateful that along the way, I've been given a few breaks, and that there have been so many that have shown us their love and support.

Someone commented to me that it must be depressing to look back at everything, but it hasn't been for me. It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day, moment to moment challenges that this was the big picture perspective I needed to remind me how much there is to love about my life today.

Weekend Wrap-Up of Theatre Weekend

Long-time readers will know of my love of Broadway and musicals, so I was happy to dub this past weekend Theatre Weekend. On Saturday night, we went to see Rent at Hollywood High with sweatpantsmom and her two daughters. We all loved the show, and I have to say, it far exceeded my expectations for a high school production! I really appreciated that they kept the integrity of the show intact by keeping all of its original content and the performances were for the most part really really good.

Prior to the show, I splurged a little and took the girls to Lucy's, a great Mexican restaurant with the most delicious salad dressing ever! I was thrilled that they both found favorite foods there, too.

Sunday, it was the Tony Awards! While it wasn't my favorite Tony's ever, I still enjoyed the show. It was very cool to see Chad Kimball, starring in Memphis and Tony nominee, as I'd seen him previously (with Alice Ripley, last year's Best Actress Tony winner) at a small theatre in Hollywood where his pipes practically blew off the roof! Too bad his mic was having trouble last night because he's a phenomenal singer. I found American Idiot the most compelling new musical, but I still didn't run to iTunes at any point during the show to buy anything.

Earlier in the week, I'd gotten this favorite text ever from Sylvia:

Sylvia: "You were right as always."
I texted back, "I'm SO keeping this!"

I've registered her for jazz and ballet through our local parks and rec program for the summer. She's really excited and I think it's a perfect next step in prepping for high school.

After the incident last weekend, I wondered if Sylvia might benefit from going to Alanon/Alateen meetings. I asked her about it, but she declined for now. She knows the option remains open to her if she changes her mind.

I had my first conversation with X in nearly a year last week. I tried to catch him up on all that's happened in the last year, but really, how can one accomplish that effectively? If he does see them next month, he'll start to get an idea of all that he's missed, but he'll never be able to get back that time he's lost with them.

I had a flashback of my days living with him. It was crazy how quickly I could remember what it was like to be that person. It has felt so far away for so long and frankly, I didn't like the reminder of what my life used to be like. I know that 98% of the time I am past it, but there remains a part of me that will never forget. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I do have to accept that it just is.

I loved loved loved the season finale of Glee, but at least I can lay off the iTunes purchases for a while!

X Drama Part 324, Monday link

OK, I really don't know which Part this X drama really is, and all things considered, still tame, but just proof that when there are kids involved, X drama never fully disappears.

I found out last week that Yahoo! Mother Board is holding a summit for us in Northern California, and providing hotel & transportation (I'm SO excited!). Since it's pretty much where X family's lives, I contacted X's brother and sisters to see if the girls could see them while I was at the summit. I've told the girls that if X is still up there, not in jail, then they probably would see them, but that their aunts and uncle would be in charge of the girls. (Standard rules.)

Last night, X tells Sylvia to ask me that if he gives me money upfront, would I have dinner with him and the girls.

This pissed me off on several levels. First, DON'T go through Sylvia to ask ME questions. He has my phone number, he can call me directly. Second, it makes it sound like all I would care about is the money, which isn't the case. True, I said never again would I have dinner with him after the Mother'X day fiasco of a few years ago when I ended up paying for it, but all in all, I'm just not that interested in faking a family dinner with him.

The girls have their relationship with him, and their relationship with me. They know they're two separate things. It's been seven years. They don't need to adjust anymore. And if anything, this facade of a "real" family would just be a reminder of what they don't have.

Not to mention, I don't think I'll be available for dinner. Yahoo! already has dinners planned for us the two nights we're there, so even if I wanted to (which I don't), I probably couldn't do it.

He was on the phone with Riley when Sylvia informed me of this request. I told Riley I wanted to talk to him when she was done, and that upset Sylvia.

I told X not to send messages through Sylvia anymore. She's 12; she doesn't need that kind of responsibility. He said he understood, and he would call me. (Of course, he hasn't.)

Then, I had to deal with Sylvia. She said she wanted us to have dinner together so I could tell him how good she did at the Showcase. I told her I would be happy to tell him that anytime. Then she said she felt guilty because when he had been in jail, she'd written him a letter, pleading with him to never commit another crime again.

She said she'd only done it because everyone (meaning me, her therapist, and I think her friend) had told her it would help her feel better. I asked her if it had, and she nodded through tears. She said she was glad she'd done it, but he'd sounded sad when they had talked about it. I told her that's because he felt bad about letting her down. As he should.

I told her, "you know I'm always honest about your dad. I promise you, you can always tell him how you feel. He will never stop loving you. He may not know how to be a dad, but he does love you and he always will." She hugged me then.

So it ended up being okay and helped her get to a better place.

In other news, I've got another post up at Parentella, asking if school standardizes students.

Monday links and X update

X is out of jail. It happened sooner than we thought, but he's already left town, for which I am mostly relieved, but I was also worried about how the girls would react to it.
They didn't seem to notice that he left town without even trying to see them, so that's good. He left a message for Sylvia on Friday night, but she never returned his call. She was elated when she heard the message, but seemed to be more interested in continuing the life we already had going. She'd just finished her Showcase, and was looking forward to the party we were going to. She didn't call him on Saturday, either, again focusing on the plans we had for a family get-together.
On Sunday, he called again and she spoke to him. She teared up a little when she told him she missed him, but otherwise, they just talked about the Showcase, and that school was getting out soon (and then Riley talked to him and pretty much said the same thing), they said they'd talk to him again next weekend and that was it!
I'm glad that it didn't happen until after we'd gotten through the week. Sylvia had finals last week, and then getting ready for the Showcase at their after-school program so we already had our hands full. The timing actually couldn't have been better. I am glad that it hasn't seemed to cause any emotional problems for either of them. They took it in stride, and then got back to focusing on things happening in their lives, and then the Lost finale (of course).
The girls both did a fantastic job at the Showcase. Riley is a natural actress, and Sylvia shined in all 8 of her appearances :) She did 6 dance numbers, sang in a trio, and did an acting scene. I was so incredibly proud of both of them.
I've written an update on LA Moms about the Mean Girls drama from a couple of weeks ago, and am  continuing my series on Middle School at Parentella.

It's all good

X isn't out of jail yet, and I don't know when he will be, but my perspective on all of it has completely changed.

In case it wasn't abundantly clear from my previous posts, I was quite anxious about what it would be like, having X in the same city as us, and free. Since I haven't had any contact with him in the last 6 months, I had no idea where his mind was, what he could possibly be thinking.

I finally asked one of his family members if they knew his plans after release. They told me of their own frustration that every time they've tried to speak to X about it, X can't give a clear answer. In typical X fashion, he's full of big ideas for the future, but can't answer what happens when he steps out on the sidewalk. He can't answer where he will stay, how he will get from point A to point B.

Circumstances vary, but he stays the same. And, having gone through this time and again, I know I don't have to worry about a thing.

He may say when he gets out that he wants to see the girls, that he wants to be a real dad, but I know that when I respond that he has to earn that right, that he has to prove it, he will come up empty. All I have to do is guide my girls through this journey. I may not know the specifics of it, but I know the sentiments. And I know the end game. I will continue to manage their expectations, and keep their weekly therapy appointment, and ensure that they are aware that I am always here for them.

He just can't get to me anymore. I hear some of the "big ideas" he has for the future, and I just laugh! He simply does not live in the real world, and it's no wonder that some of these ideas are nowhere near grounded in reality. They're big, lofty ideals, but with no plan of grounded, concrete action.

Sure, I take time out to escape reality; to imagine a Sideways world, to disappear into a good musical, but I don't live there. I live in the real world. If there's something I want or need, I know I have to figure out what steps to take to get there.

For instance, I was guide-surfing the other night (because who channel surfs anymore?), and turned to the Suze Orman show. I am now motivated to pay down my credit card debt once and for all. I am starting with the small steps. First, I have to figure out how to pay for their summer child care. In two weeks, I've saved $60 to put towards it. That pays for one week for one child, but it's a start. It's the first step in my goal to not live off of the credit card over the summer months. While it's not actually paying off the debt I have, the first step is to not add more debt, right? It's grounded. It's reality. It's a lofty goal but one that can't be met without taking that first step.

X doesn't know how to do that. As he's approaching fifty, I don't think he ever will.

So no, I am no longer fretting about what to do when he calls and says he wants to see the girls. I will tell him calmly, "figure it out. Come up with a plan, and I'll let you know if it works or not." If he figures it out, great. If not, it's a mere few minutes out of my life to have that conversation.

And if you're not sick of me yet, stop by the LA Moms blog, where I choose between a week in Paris or a week alone. Go ahead and guess which I'd rather have!

X Venting

So X was released, but he's right back in jail again - only this time, he's in downtown LA, mere minutes away.

He has a court date scheduled for mid-April and it's anyone's guess whether he'll be out that day or sentenced for longer. I don't know anything about the charges. Chances are he was extradited from Northern California down here to answer for some previous arrest. The girls asked if they could see him in jail, but I nixed that right away.

I hate that he's here. And that, whether it's in a couple of weeks or a few months, he'll end up being free here. And at some point, I'll have to deal with him.

He has no legal rights to the girls, he doesn't know where we live, but now I know it's only a matter of time before he's back in our lives somehow.

Of all the jails in all the towns...of course, he had to end up here.