Tuesday, January 18, 2011

No Reason

My mom likes to turn to the oft-used phrase, "everything happens for a reason" in times of turmoil. For a lot of years and momentary dramas, it would suffice. 6 months or a year later, we could usually come up with some justification.

Three years after my divorce, I still couldn't find the reason for all that had happened. And any reasoning I tried simply didn't add up. Sure, I could say it was so I could have my girls, but why did I have to marry him (while pregnant with the second child) and go through 2 years simply trying to get divorced? I could try and find a reason for why he acted the way he did, but no reason was acceptable for not paying child support. The puzzle pieces just wouldn't come together no matter how hard I tried.

So I just stopped trying.

And just like that, the moment of healing truly began. The past was what it was, and it was time to move forward. I was a single mother and these were my two girls that I loved and had to care for, and there were enough challenges with that to keep going backward.

A reasonable amount of self-reflection is certainly healthy so that we can learn from past mistakes and not repeat them as much as possible. I could look back enough to see the times that I dismissed concerns away, or believed that love could conquer anything, but there were no more lessons to be learned. I was just dwelling and waiting for some answer to reveal itself in marquee lights. That wasn't going to happen.

Even today, I can't say why X is the way he is. I can guess that there's some narcissism, some denial, and  self-medication happening to live with himself. But I can't say why he continues to be satisfied with his empty life.I can't find any justifiable reason for the girls to have a father they don't deserve.

But I do know that what I can do is be there for them always. My focus will be on what we have to accomplish this week, and what's for dinner tomorrow night, and getting the girls up and ready for school on time. The reasons are simple, the tasks achievable, and the goal is to live up to my responsibilities. How we got here simply doesn't matter anymore. 

This post is inspired by The Daily Post's topic: Does everything happen for a reason? Check the comments for other posts.


Pippi said...

Yeah, I don't know if I believe that reason stuff any more either. But then again, the grand scheme of things is so much bigger than us, maybe we just can't see it. Maybe the reason is something that has almost nothing to do with us personally in the end.

Tara R. said...

I have a hard time justifying 'happens for a reason' too. But, I am working on the 'letting go' part and shifting my focus from 'why did this happen' to 'what can I do for a better future.' Living in the past hasn't been productive.

Danielle said...

I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. Even if it takes us decaddes to figure it out. But like you, it really doesn't matter, it only matters that we are here and making the most of it! Good for you!

BigLittleWolf said...

I hear you. And I'm with you. There's no explaining some things, only dealing with them the best way we can, and still making as good a life as we can.

Shinerpunch said...

You asked for it. Try not to cry.

Anonymous said...

Hi April,

I saw your blog was up for review at that "tearing apart" site. I would ignore the negative and take all the positives! You have a most amazing blog and let nobody tell you otherwise.


Q Turner said...

A good friend of mine once told me, after a bad breakup, "you fight to understand, but there is no understanding. There is only accepting what is or not accepting it." I hate it, but he was right. Accepting that he was right has been one of the most difficult lessons I've learned in my life, and has led to some of the most serenity.

qandlequeen said...

My mom always said that too, but she also followed up that the reason may not make itself evident for many many years. I have to say that after 20-something years of adulthood under my belt (under 18 everything can be attributed to LEARNING) that everything DOES happen for a reason.

Had I married any other man I would not have THESE children - and he and I made BEAUTIFUL babies. A job abruptly ended so that I was available for this job. My list goes on and on. I haven't stopped asking why, but I don't get upset when an answer isn't forthcoming.