Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Update and Rant

I've had no time or energy to organize pics for a weekend wrap-up, so suffice it to say, we had a wonderful - albeit busy - weekend! We spent Saturday (Riley's bday) at Disneyland with family, and had a great time. The only disappointment was we didn't make it on Space Mountain this time, but we're going back next month (to meet Natalie - yay!).

Sunday, my sis and I went on a luncheon cruise (a 3-hour tour) that I won in a raffle and had a marvelous time. It was a nice preview to what my booze cruise weekend will be in January, and I'm very very much looking forward to it.

Kori got me sick last week! Yes, from Idaho, somehow I managed to catch it here in Burbank. Go figure. So I haven't been keeping up in my blog reading, sorry! I'm trying, but I may have to give up and just mark all as read.

This weekend will also be busy. Sylvia's bday is on Friday/Halloween. On Saturday, we're going to see HSM3 and roller-coasting to celebrate. There will finally be some peace and quiet on Sunday. Oh, and I'm also making Get Out The Vote calls with MomsRising. They're only asking for an hour's commitment - can you spare it?

I'm thrilled that I'm now going to be a contributor for LA Moms Blogs. I'll let you know when my postings are up over there, and hope you'll come by! And a special thank you to Florinda for inviting me to submit.

I do have a bit of a rant, though. I was over at Pisceshanna's blog, and got myself all worked up again when someone - who of course, didn't leave a real link - oh so innocently asked how such a smart girl could get involved with a deadbeat?

I cannot begin to tell you how much this drives me crazy. Actually, I can, because I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. The single parent who takes on the responsibility of actually RAISING the child does NOT need that kind of judgment!

As it is, we live with those poor decisions every. day. every minute. every second. of our lives. We are the ones who are trying to figure out how to pay rent, work out our child care situation, work, and still want to give our children the very best we can and agonize DAILY over our attempts to do so.

And, yes, we do our share of beating ourselves up over finding ourselves in this position to begin with. But we also know, we can't regret it all too much because we love our kids. And to wish away all the bad things would imply that we wished away our kids, too, which we NEVER do. Sure, we joke about it - as much as any parent. But we are here doing the job every day of raising them. We cannot regret that.

And here's the other thing: the problem lies with the DEADBEATS, not us. Male or female, if someone has chosen drugs, greed, or basically anything besides putting their children first, THEY are to blame.

We - every single mom blogger I know - went into these relationships and had these children believing the very best of people. It may have been misguided, it may have been naive, but there was nothing evil or malice about what we tried to do. We tried to have the American dream. Our failure is hard enough to swallow without judgment from those who clearly don't get it.

And we don't need it. Plain and simple. If there is nothing of value to say, no words of support or encouragement to offer, no love to give, why does someone bother saying something like that? There's nothing innocent about the question when it basically asks why we were so stupid. It's bound to get us defensive, and it's bound to hurt. And it's not fair.

I have a friend who is putting herself in a similar situation. And I'm really struggling with it. I've tried to alert her to the warning signs, but I know she's just believing everything because she so badly wants to. Part of me wants to bang her upside the head, too, but there's that other part of me who has been there and gets it that understands it exactly.

I'm in no position to judge her. Now all I can do is step back and wait. I have to hope, for her sake, that all my fears are wrong, but if they're not, then I'm prepared to just be there for her if/when it all falls apart. And never will I utter the phrase, "I told you so" or "How could you be so smart and still fall for him?" As much as I wish I could stop it, I cannot cut her off. I need to be there for her. I will not condition my friendship with her like that.

And I know I've said this before, too, but I am so very grateful for all of the single moms I've found here. I don't know how I did it before I found you. Thank you - and all my readers - for your constant support.

As soon as I get thru this next bday, I'll try to be a better reader/friend to all of you!


Kori said...

That is IT. Totally and completely IT. I am going to put my donate button back on my blog and shamelessly beg for donations to be able to go to Disneyland with you. Becuase first Florinda, now Natalie, and I really think it sucks. Not for you, of course, but for ME! :) you know I get the rest, so nuff said there, other than that I love you.

Anonymous said...

I am soooo excited for next month! I did a search for height requirements and since Jacob is 44" tall, there are very few rides he WON'T be allowed on, even Space Mountain according to their website! I'm not sure if I feel comfortable putting him on that one, but I will definitely go on with you guys! (unless they have a low weight limit, then I'm screwed.)

As far as the person not understanding how women get themselves in these situations, screw 'em. Everybody makes bad choices with the best intentions, even those holier than thou types.

Tara R. said...

Rant on sista friend! None of us have a stone small enough to throw at anyone. I can't judge because I'm not anywhere near perfect... You know how much respect I have for single parents. You all are amazing!

FreedomFirst said...

Wow. Somebody said that? They must be pretty clueless. Although, come to think of it, it sounds like something my Mom might say, lol; and mean it as a compliment in every way. Tact is not one of her many talents.

Anonymous said...

Two birthdays in the span of a week?! And I thought I had it rough with Bridget b-day on July 5th and Hannah's b-day on July 27th!

Well happy early birthday to Sylvia!

And I really can't say much regarding the smart girl/deadbeat comment other than I was the level-headed, 4.0 GPA girl who totally fell for the deadbeat, really-bad-for-me guy in high school. It happens. You don't know how it happens, but it does. It's not intentional. It's not like you go searching for someone to break your heart and break promises.

You're an awesome mom!!

Anonymous said...

Woooohoooooo!!! I second your rant, for sure!
I also hope you feel better and get caught up soon.
And hey, I wanna go tooooo

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Me. Here. Right now. said...

You know, I've made enough mistakes that I fully recognize - didn't act soon enough, acted too soon, made missteps I should have known better about, whatever...we already know these things, so it doesn't help to say, "Why didntcha' just...."

Shiona said...

Happy Birthday Sylvia!

With that being said I completely agree wioth your rant. That reader came back to say that she was in an abusive situation and that we single moms were too quick to jump on other people. I guess if that would have been explained the response would not have been the way it was. The comment did come off as mean and I'm sorry they went through that but if that was the case then the words should have been chosen better.

As for the thing with your friend for some reason I guess we as humans do not want to be alone in life. My sister had an ex who was a total womanizer. He was not abusive but he was a total a$$crack. I could tell from a mile away but she had to find out the hard way. I used that rationale many a time with J's dad. You know "at least I know his problems" or "I don't want to get with someone else who treats me worse" blah blah blah. Now though I want nothing better than to be alone. I am sure that will change over time. Or maybe not...only time will tell.

Florinda said...

"And to wish away all the bad things would imply that we wished away our kids, too, which we NEVER do." Well put. Much as we might want to sometimes, turning our back on our pasts means we would be denying part of who we are now. (Besides, what's that about forgetting your mistakes dooming you to repeat them?)

Happy Birthday to your girls! My husband's birthday was on Sunday, and my sister's is on Thursday. What a week!

I'm really glad you're part of the LA Moms Blog, and that your first post is up!

Anonymous said...

Charmers charm, they don't necessarily make for kind and loving people in the long run. And deadbeats don't walk around with signs on their foreheads identifying them. And those caught up in the excitement, spend far too much time doubting themselves and questioning themselves to have other people put their own neuoses on us.

OHmommy said...

Yay on your new gig at LA moms and a late happy birthday to your daughter!

And, I think you should take your friend out to lunch. Sometimes people want to talk.... feel her out. Is that out of line?