Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop...

I'm doing quite well. I'm...dare I say it? Happy. I'm enjoying my life, I'm enjoying my kids, I'm not obsessing in a negative way - which is not to say I'm not obsessing, but so far, in ways that aren't doing me harm.

When I first recognized this feeling, all of a sudden, I felt butterflies in my stomach. What's going to go wrong? How bad is it going to hurt?

There's been much talk lately about staying in the moment. I've done that. I've flown by the seat of my pants and ended up falling flat on my face. Which I was fine with doing when it was just me. I could have my nervous breakdowns, and pick myself up again. Of course, I'm not alone anymore.

I have made mistakes that have hurt my children. The pain of those mistakes hurt more than any pain ever - more than childbirth, labor, gall stones - anything. I can grin and bear pain. I sob like a little girl when I'm faced with the knowledge of what I've done to them.

I haven't done it alone, I know. My ex did the major damage. But, hey, I married him, right? I stuck it out much longer than I should have. And some decisions I've made even after that have been questioned. I know they were the right decisions, but even the questioning of them was hard.

I know in my heart that love doesn't matter. I have loved and lost so many times, and I don't even buy that there was a reason for it. I'm not just talking romantic love - I've had other passions die as well.

But hey, who hasn't, right?

My point is (and I do have one - I think) that I'm past all that. Right now. I've realized the good in the bad, I've accepted my faults as a parent, as a human. I can laugh at myself quite easily and heartily. I can even say that I think I'm doing a pretty good job at being a mom - even with my mistakes.

Yet, it's still really scary to feel this good. Because no one can guarantee me that the worst is not yet to come.

I'm trying. I'm really trying to enjoy it, and smile and laugh as much as possible. To revel in the good feelings of friendship and love and happiness. But experience has shown me that it can go in a second.

I really shouldn't be terrified of pain. And it's not a fear of success or fear of happiness because pain is so uncomfortable. It's exactly the opposite. I don't want to go there again. I just don't.


shauna said...

I hope I can someday feel what you're feeling now. I'm in the questioning mode, feeling horrible that my children will not get to live with both of their parents, will have to deal the pain of divorce for quite some time.

THanks for you comment on my blog. I'm riding the line a bit. Part of me feels like mourning. The other part feels like dancing on the table. :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for reminding me to get back on track. I've really fallen off the wagon, the self-pity wagon that is. I am really good at wallowing in it when I could be out enjoying life and my son's childhood.

Kori said...

Oh, do I really need to comment on this just so you can have a lot of comments on your blog? HA, you know I am joking. And this is a good place for you to be, it truly is. Life is so beautiful, even in the midst of fear and worry; stay in the moment and enjoy it!

MarĂ­a said...

Be happy. Enjoy it.
You HAVE to. Anticipating the worst and not allowing yourself to appreciate the best is something you'll regret later on.

Whenever you're worry about what's to come think about what's happening now. Right then. Not even 5 minutes from then - just that moment.

mommyof7 (2inheaven) said...

I totally understand about holding your breath and hoping things stay good. I have those feelings from time to time. Thank you for visiting my blog!!