Monday, February 25, 2008

Is This It? Is This the Other Shoe?

So some things have been going on lately. Some of them far too embarrassing to share, some of them involving far too many people and details to try to recapture here. Forgive a bit of "running of the mouth" commentary, but I'm trying to process and hey - what's a blog for if not to process?

First of all, it ain't all that bad. Things could be much, much worse. Having said that, I can't help fearing that the worst is yet to come. During my previous crisis of confidence, someone tried to make me feel better by saying, "it can't get much worse." Why not? What rule is there that says things can't get worse? None! And it seems every time in the past I've tried to accept that premise, they have gotten worse. And in trying to be all positive, I just end up more hurt by feeling more blind-sided.

I came across this post at Lyrics of My Life that describes me pretty well, too. I am sensitive. Some might say "overly" or "emotional." Whatever. I am what I am, and I am affected by what people say sometimes.

It doesn't necessarily mean I give it all credence. I know that sometimes what is being said is not really who I am. Doesn't mean that it can't hurt for people to think that it is. And it makes me question myself: is that really how I come across? And here's the thing that really doesn't make any sense at all: when people attack someone personally and then don't understand why it was taken personally! Wasn't that the intent? Just how else should one take it?

There are some times, too, that I just don't feel like being the bigger person. I'm the "bigger person" than my ex every day by going to work, taking care of the kids, and being the responsible one. I love being their mom, but I don't want to have to feel like everyone's mom.

I'm sure this is not making much sense, and I apologize for that. I just want to know, is it the worst thing in the world if sometimes I am weak? I mean, so long as it's not hurting or even affecting my children, why can't I have permission to not only feel what I feel, but say what I feel?

It seems some people think that's too much to ask. Well, frankly, my dears, I'm at the point where I don't really give a damn! There are some settings where it is appropriate to say what I think, even if it's unpopular. I'm done playing nice. Baby's getting out of her corner!!

(Okay, so I lose points for originality by posting 2 movie quotes in one paragraph.)


Anonymous said...

As an overly emotional person myself I totally get the whole thing about "things can only get better". It is well intended, but not very helpful. I wasn't the one who said it, was I? I also let the things people say affect me, and it is part of the reason I am having such a hard time at work right now.

"when people attack someone personally and then don't understand why it was taken personally! Wasn't that the intent? Just how else should one take it? "

I think that's called passive aggressiveness, and it is incredibly frustrating.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Kori said...

Ha, someone else recognizes the whole passive-aggressive thing! In case you dodn't know this, I am also overly emotional and sensivtive; in fact, I am pretty sure I was recently called a BABY! yeah, yeah, bite me, whatever. And not to be a damper, but hey, things can ALWAYS get worse; that is why we are supposed to try to live in the moment. I will let you know when I can figure out how to do that. Completely unrelated is this: I "got" the Baby/corner reference, but where is the other one?

mommyof7 (2inheaven) said...

I know how you feel about being emontional and sentive. I have always been that way. You look at me wrong or say something the wrong way and I start crying. Not for attention but because things cut deep with me.
I went throught a really tough situtation about 3 years ago. It rocked me to my core and hurt my family because it tore me to pieces for a very long time. And it was caused by someone I thought was my friend.
I pray for you that you have faith that God will pull you out of this. Just let God have control of your life. Do you believe in God? I hope you do. In my life that I have fallen so far, God has been the only one who could get me out. You have to stop trying to do it yourself. Ask him for help and step back and let him lead you. He ways are better than ours. And he can see the whole picture as we can only see what is in front of us. Hope this helps. I know that things may not get better for awhile, but they will. In time.

April said...

Natalie - no you didn't say it :) It was someone IRL. It is hard to step back from what people are saying (particularly at work) and look at it objectively. I'm wishing you the best...

Kori - "Gone with the Wind" was the other movie.

Mommyof5 - no I don't believe in God, but I appreciate the nice thoughts. I'm actually doing really well today! Sometimes it helps just to write and find my conclusion that way.

Unknown said...

I really think that you should always say how you feel - on your blog and in the real world. Letting your feelings bottle up is only going to lead to a huge explosion somewhere down the line.

Who cares what other people think, go get 'em.