Monday, October 5, 2009

Well, okay then

Things are going. Nothing incredibly great, nothing incredibly bad. Financial situation is not great, but I'm not worried about the roof over my head. So when I put everything in perspective, it's okay.

Still, there seems to be that proverbial cloud over everything right now. Mostly stemmed from trying to understand why some people feel the need to support deadbeat dads. It's like those that support Polanski. I just don't get it.

And then I read Kori's post. In dealing with a different situation (but similar question), she writes: Really; I don’t get to decide a person’s value based on whether or not they support ME, but in how they are with the world at large.

I totally agree. In fact, most of my regular readers and most of my friends and I have areas in our lives where we wholeheartedly disagree with each other. I'm okay with that, really.

And I've certainly tried to be there for friends when I feel they've been attacked unfairly.

But then again...that's for my friends. That's for people I know and love.

These comments aren't from people that know me. And if in fact they're trying to defend X, I know X well enough to know that he'd never stand for it. X is a lot of things, but he knows what I do every day. He goes through periods of not calling because he knows he's not doing right by his kids, and he can't face them or me. X has thanked me many times for what I do every day as their mother. X doesn't argue with me when I've called him a deadbeat because he knows that it's true. These people that are trying to defend X do not know X.

So I go back to not understanding it.

Today, I read something by another single mom, advising moms going through a divorce on how to handle their finances. Someone had to comment that they just shouldn't get divorce, and should stick it out.

WTH is that?!? How is that constructive, how is that helpful, how is that nothing other than disrespectful?

How would it go over, I wonder, if I just ran around, telling every married person I know that they should just get divorced? That half of marriages end in divorce so they should just get it over with. Or telling all bald men to go get a toupee (or vice versa)?

I bet if I said those things, 90% of people would tell me, "it's none of your business." Hmmm...I think they'd be right!

I guess I just don't understand where anyone gets off telling me how I should feel about my own situation. I think I've earned the right, by raising these kids by myself for 6 years (officially; their whole lives, unofficially), by NOT being on government support, to have my OWN feelings on the subject, and to write what I want about it. Legally, I am not guilty of libel or slander because not only is everything TRUE, but I have not used X's real name.

I was accused of censorship. I thought long and hard about it. Have I deleted comments? Yes. Most of them because they were forms of advertising. One or two of them because I was done dealing with it, and it's MY blog. And one commenter specifically requested that all of their comments be removed, and I honored that request. Still, I don't require my approval before publishing a comment, I allow anonymous comments, and I have allowed many a comment that disagrees with me. So no, I don't think I'm guilty of censorship.

I know I'm not easy to like. I'm opinionated, I have some radical ideas, and I don't follow the traditional set of rules. I get it.

So for those of you that still love me, still give a damn about what I have to say, thank you.

*I'm not posting links in here because I'm really not trying to make things worse. And I know that by writing this, I'm not going to change anyone's mind. Still, I need to do it for me.


Kori said...

Those same people who tell you that you shouldn't have gotten a divorce or that you should not have chosen to have kids with him are the same people who would blast you out of the water if you were to tell them how to live THEIR lives. I don't get it, either; we get to feel however we feel, and we get to write about it. Not because it will change anything, but because it helps US.

It is no one's business what you choose to publish so far as comments go, either. I have been your friend for a really long time, and have never known you to not publish something just because you don't agree with it. And even if you only published the so-called "positive" comments, well, that's your right too. I believe it is the same people crying discrimination who are telling you that you should have done x, y, or z without fully knowing your situation. And they are probably the same people who think God has a big penis and therefore favors man above all else. But maybe that's just me.

Likeable? I think you are loveable. :)

Natalie said...

Let's see, there's a great saying about opinions that I think rings especially true when it comes to parenting and marriage. Those people who think that someone should stay in the marriage, just because, are the types who can't see beyond their own noses. They are ignorant because they've never been in your(our) shoes.

As far as the other thing goes? Well, pfft on them.

Just remember, the people who matter won't and don't judge you for what you do.

And you are easy to like, don't let those buttheads get you down, April.

Lifeofkaylen said...

I don't really censor comments either - opinions are great, but I have deleted a few comments that were just spewing hatred about hating a certain group of people, with no valid commentary to add to the discussion.
I think bloggers have a right to delete comments that have no real value and are in truth, just hate-mongering.
Oh - and the advertisements that are commented should be deleted because they are sooooo obnoxious!

Cat said...

I read a comment on a personal finance post a while back that infuriated me. The commenter was a PF blogger I read regularly, and he basically said that anyone who gets a divorce is a quitter. I don't read his stuff anymore.

I think you make exactly the right point here- no one else can tell you how you should feel about YOUR situation. When you blog, it's because you want to write and share and be in a community. Not because you've graciously decided to offer up your life choices and feelings to the judgment of others.

And frankly, it's the internet. If someone doesn't like how you live your life, they can stop reading at any time.

Tara R. said...

I have never understood why some people feel they have the right tell anyone how to conduct their lives, especially other women.

Julia@SometimesLucid said...

The people who think they know the most, cry the loudest "but it doesn't apply to me" when their sh*t hits the fan! You explained yourself in a very concise, factual sort of way and to hell with the nay-sayers!

Samantha said...

Clearly your wrote this post with a specific incident/person in mind, which I don't know the specifics of. But in general, people want to make you feel what they are feeling. I find that those that are happy in the marriages have nothing to say about me and my single status. It is those that are unhappy, that wish they had the guts to leave an abusive, whether emotional, financial, or physical, relationship, that have comments. Misery loves company, and boy will they do anything to get that company. I suggest ignoring these types of critique (I know its hard, I erupt regularly) and only entertain constructive criticism. I'm sorry that you are going through whatever it is, but keep plugging along and it will get better. It always does!

Anonymous said...

Ooooooh, am I ever feeling it. No, those people have no right to tell you how to feel about your situation and in most cases those people don't even understand your situation. You have to get up close to someone, get to know them and get past that barrier that screams "Not OK" "Not Good" "Not Good Enough" to start changing your viewpoint about single moms or anything else in life. A lot of people need a lot of exposure to get there.

jenn said...

I tried to comment a couple days ago, but for some reason my computer wouldn't let me.

Anyway, I wanted to say that I like you, when we agree and when we disagree. And I know there are many others out there that feel the same.

I don't understand how someone could pass judgement on you and defend your ex. Sounds like someone just trying to stir things up.

Shiona said...

Ugh that is pretty annoying. Stick it out, sure... I agree with Kori don't say something to them b/c they totally won't listen. We are not all good judges of people and characters (as much as we'd like to be) so it makes no sense to stay around in a situation that benefits no one.