Monday, August 24, 2009

It's all about me

This will probably sound like the most self-indulgent post ever written, but I want to say it. I want to say it to the people I've met here in blogland. So if it's indulgent, so be it. And really, isn't that the purpose of a blog anyway?

I feel like I've grown into my skin, into my life, and into a person I'm okay with being.

It hit me tonight quite hard. I'm proud of me. I'm proud of how much I've changed.

I'm not really sure when exactly it started, and I know it's been an ongoing process, and will continue to be so, but right now, today, I can say that I'm on the right track.

I know it's been in the last year. Because I remember having a conversation in this apartment (the one I've lived in for a year - we didn't move this year) with my friend, K, where I was low. Way low down in the dumps. And I can remember a conversation with Kori, both of us crying on the phone around the same time.

It was during another X episode. I was so angry, and mostly at myself. That I'd given my girls this father they didn't deserve. That it was my fault and we would never escape it.

I remember telling K (and possibly even Kori too) that my life was perpetually going to suck. Oh, I knew it would have its good moments here and there, but for the most part, I was always going to have to be dealing with the consequences of my past failures.

No facts have changed from then to now. But I have accepted the responsibility.

Sylvia said something to me last night, something about her dad that I won't share here for her sake, but tonight, I realized that had she said it a year ago, I would have spent most of today crying about it.

I talked about it today. I rehashed the episode with some friends, and then I moved on, and asked about their weekend. And then I did my work. And I shared some great laughs today with RadDude. One in particular that did have me in tears, but the good kind.

And I got the girls, came home, made dinner while helping them with their homework and we all sang along with the iPod, had a lively conversation with them during dinner, did the dishes (and broke up a sibling scuttle), watched a show with Sylvia, talked to Riley about the book her teacher read them, gave them kisses and put them to bed. I watched TV, I made their lunches, got the coffee pot ready, and then checked my email.

One asked about happiness.

And I thought and wrote about it. And I said that I've never been so happy. I realized that I'm no longer letting X get to me (or the girls). I'm no longer beating myself up about it.

I realized, too, that I acknowledge every good moment. With RadDude and Nancy, after a good laugh, I take the time to say "I love us." I acknowledge our friendship and how much it means to me. I acknowledged a good moment with the girls by hugging and kissing them. I acknowledge Kori by telling her I love her every day.

Somewhere along the line, I learned to do that. I learned how to make a smile and warm feeling last just that teeny tiny bit longer. And I learned (as I'm sure you've all heard me say by now, but it bears repeating) that every feeling has a beginning, a middle, and an end. So even the bad ones aren't forever.

I still have money issues, but obsessing about them doesn't do anything. I balance my checkbook, I check my bank account balance every day or so, pay my bills on payday, and just make sure I don't overdraft.

I still have updates for the X Chronicles, but they have just somehow been woven into the fabric of our lives, accepted, and part of us.

I still have a lot to learn at work, but I love love love my job.

I still could be a better person in many, many ways, but I manage to go to bed most nights, knowing I did the best I could that day. And there's always the possibility of tomorrow.

I remember X saying to me once, when I asked him about his dreams, "I used to dream about tomorrow. Now I dream about yesterday."

For a long long time, I was dreaming about yesterday.

Now, I live for today.

As I said, self-indulgent, and pretty sappy, too, I know. Still, it's not something I ever thought before I would ever write about this life. About my life. About me and who I am today. Not perfect, not ever, but a work in progress that finally feels...well, like progress.


Danielle said...

This is where I am trying to get to in life. Good for you.

MindyMom said...

It's all about you and your attitide (about you)!

Like you I have had my struggles and issues dealing with "the consequences of my past failures" (namely a$$hole exes) but lately I've found a certain peace too. I even posted about it here recently:

Maybe it's an age thing or maybe it's just we've had enough. Either way it's good to get there.

Love and Hugs to you.

Kori said...

You know I get this completely; I don't htink it is self-indulgence to take stock of where you are and say you know, I am doing pretty good. We all have areas in which we can still improve, we all have things that still make us sink into that pit, but looking at it all as a whole is pretty damn important. And as someone who has been here with you walking a similar path for the last few years, I say stand tall and be proud; you are an example to all of us!

Loth said...


bernthis said...

it took me about 4 years to finally love the person I am. My body, my mind, my soul. It's hard not to beat yourself up for past mistakes but like you, it bothers me less and less and I focus more and more on today and I feel great

Dingo said...

Is there a Part 2 because I didn't read anything that was self-indulgent?

You've earned this feeling. There's nothing self indulgent or sappy about being thankful for being who you are and recognizing what it took to get there.

Shiona said...

Oh I hope I can get here. I'm so totally centered on the past and it's not helping me at all in the future.

You definitely have a lot to be proud of.

Meg said...

I hope I can get to that place, but I fear I have hard times ahead. And there's nothing self-indulgent about being mindful and happy.

FreedomFirst said...

Feels good, doesn't it?

Natalie said...

How did I miss this?

All I can say is that you are a pillar of strength and a great role model for anyone. I aspire to be more like you and one day at a time, I am getting there.

Elisabeth said...

Love, love, love this post.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful! I'm so pleased that you have reached this point. It takes time, patience, healing and a lot of soul searching but once you get there....well, there's just no other feeling like it.


Anonymous said...

Congrats, you ARE awesome!

jenn said...

This post makes me happy.

Laura said...

Not self-indulgent in the least. Self-assessment that picks up your mood--and mine--I'd say that was beyond worthwhile.

Nothing quite like being able to put X stories in a compartment. I hear that some of those compartments even have doors that close.

Karen MEG said...

This was not self-indulgent or sappy in the least. This was wonderful. I've noticed the change in the tone of your blog, your evolution has been apparent (at least to me) in your writing, and I'm so very happy to see you writing about it! Acknowledge it and embrace it, it's amazing April!

Single Mama NYC said...

Oh, I'm definitely right there with you on this. What the x pulled today alone would have set me back for at least a day of seething and/or tears, but I was able to let it go surprisingly quickly. I decided at some point during the last 2 years to actively choose happiness. It's an ongoing process, but I'm getting pretty good at it.

I can see you are too. ;-)