Holding to the Ground as the Ground Keeps Shifting

I heard about the AZ shooting through one of my breaking news email alerts. I read the synopsis, exclaimed something, and told Sylvia what had happened. We did not turn on the news. I continued to check the rest of my emails, and threw in another load of laundry.

When more email alerts came in, I read them and continued my day. I helped Riley make dinner. We turned on music.

It may seem cold, but for me, it was the best course of action.

After the girls went to their room for the night, I read some more on the shooting, and learned of the heated tweets going on and all the rest of it; Palin is to blame, MSNBC should be ashamed of themselves, and then the attacks on anyone who supports Palin or MSNBC.

I understand the anger, the frustration, the tragedy of a little girl's life taken too soon. But this can't be the answer.

Of course, this happens on the heels of my post about sticking my head in the sand when it comes to the news. And I will not turn on CNN tonight (or any other news, for that matter). Because I don't think I can stomach it, and watching it won't change what has happened or help those who have suffered unimaginable loss today. There's nothing I can learn tonight from a talking head. I will never understand how someone could do such a thing. I mourn for the parents who lost their child today, for loved ones who lost friends, and I mourn for the shooter's mother, and anyone else in his life who loved him. I'm sure they couldn't imagine he could do such a thing, either.

I will tell my girls I love them, finish the laundry, and tomorrow, I will vote for our state convention delegates.

As could be expected of me, the news today brought to mind a song. The title of this post is taken from a lyric from William Finn's Falsettoland:


Holding to the ground as the ground keeps shifting
Trying to keep sane as the rules keep changing
Keeping up my head as my heart falls out of sight

Enjoying my Blissful Ignorance

Especially when it came to political news, I was the "go-to" girl and I relished in that. I got a perverse pride in these lawyers asking me my opinion on the propositions or the latest political scandal! I might bury my head in the sand from time to time, but then someone would ask me about something, and I'd rush to find the answers and get myself right in the thick of it again.

I haven't watched the news or even the Daily Show in a month. I've ignored links recommended by friends. I've kept myself firmly planted in my reality today, and when asked about this or that current event, I have simply stated that I know nothing about it, and I'm not going to take it on.

I still have my firmly held opinions and beliefs. No one will ever convince me that gay marriage is wrong. I am proudly liberal and atheist, and will continue to talk openly and honestly to my daughters about why I believe what I believe (or why I don't). I will raise my head up every now and then to get informed, and to be counted as a voter.

However, I will not let myself get riled up by the fact that Boehner is the new Speaker of the House. I will not get myself caught in the weeds of trying to understand every little nuance of the health care bill. I will not get in heated discussions with fellow liberals on whether or not President Obama is doing enough.

I have learned that the only way I can effect change is to be a change agent. It's true that all politics is local, but that doesn't mean fighting with your neighbors! It means showing up at the PTA meetings, volunteering at your local Boys and Girls Club, raising compassionate children, supporting the arts by buying tickets, making a financial difference by paying down the credit card debt. I share my thoughts and experiences on education at Parentella and, most importantly, never lose sight of my mission to educate my girls as whole persons.

I have realized that I don't miss the talking heads on the Sunday morning shows; that I know where to get information if I need it; that changing other people's minds isn't nearly as important as living my life according to my beliefs and opinions, and that, single parenting my two daughters and balancing my needs with theirs is the most effective political statement I can make.

Letter to My Daughter

My dearest Sylvia,

You are so much like me. You are the reflection I want to see in the mirror. Because already, you're light years ahead of me.

You have passion, you have drive, you have a fire in your eyes when you want something. You are so very talented, you are so very smart, you yearn to experience all that life has to offer.

And sometimes that scared me. Because I know that you will do anything for love, and it's not always enough. I have already seen your heart broken more times in your 13 years than I experienced my entire childhood. And my biggest fear for you was the heartbreaks to come.

Your biggest fault is wanting something so badly, and sometimes, it just doesn't happen. You will want to believe in what is not there. And I fear how that might shake you to your core, the way it did me.

But it won't. Because you're already stronger and wiser than me.

I don't know, maybe it's because you've already been through so much and gotten through it always a better, stronger, and even more compassionate person. You know that loving itself isn't a fault. You know that unconditional love is the most beautiful thing, and worth the fight, even if you lose.

It broke my heart to watch you learn that. You have had to struggle with extremely complex problems, and I didn't have the answers.

In the end, you taught me what unconditional love is. Your resilience, your embrace, your thoughtfulness, even when you were hurt, even when you had every reason to hate, you held onto that love. You still followed your heart, and accepted the consequences.

I can't stop the pain, and as someone who loves you so fiercely, so completely, it will continue to burden me. But I no longer fear your ability to get through it. The burden is on me to try and accept it as gracefully as you.


I know that throughout your life, you will continue to offer your love to the world. And I, for one, cherish that most precious gift.

I love you with all my heart,
Mom


This post is inspired by Yahoo! Mother Board's topic of our children following in our footsteps. Sylvia has already surpassed mine.

Riley's Hand

Riley texted me today that she needed to talk to me. Of course, I thought, "uh oh" and went to call her somewhere privately. The big news: she ran for Student Council!

I was shocked because she's never expressed any interest in doing something like that, and I asked her about it. She said, "I didn't write a speech or anything, but my hand just went up! I didn't decide, my HAND did!"

And she got up there and made a speech without any preparation, and despite her "racing heart." I don't know if she'll win, but I'm so proud of her (or rather, her hand) for putting herself out there.

She took it even further when she spoke up at our PTA meeting tonight about an idea that had come up during the campaign speeches about bringing a program back. Elected or not, she's trying to make a difference.

A day doesn't go by that I don't feel lucky to be a part of her life. And I can't wait to see what she does next.

Balancing My Life for My Daughters

I was manipulating myself ! As I read Take the Cake and realized just how much of it I was already implementing, at first I didn't understand the how and why behind my actions. Understanding it now makes it easier to continue to move forward.

When I can't do it for me, I do it for my girls.

I have always been aware that I am their foremost role model. When I get complacent about doing things for me, what spurs me into action is that knowledge that they are learning the good, the bad, and the ugly straight from what I teach them.

As Sondheim said, "careful the things you do, children will see and learn." (Into the Woods)

This is why improving my quality of life has become so important to me, I've actually taken action. That includes taking time for me, living within my budget, laughter and silliness!

Our newest change has been in the kitchen.


I sort of prided myself on not being a "homemaker" when I was a young adult. I was a feminist! Well, guess what? Feminists have to eat, too! X did the cooking when we were together, and frankly, may have been one of the reasons I stayed those last 6 months!


When we were out on our own, I knew I had to do something. We survived with DreamDinners for the majority of these years post-X, but I've had to face that it's just not in my budget anymore. DreamDinners gave me a great foundation to not be terrified of cooking, and I'm starting to build up my own repertoire.

I'm not calling a resolution, but I've told the girls that they're in charge of dinner on weekends. Riley cooks for us on Saturdays, and Sylvia on Sundays. I supervise, of course, but with Sylvia, I'm already pretty hands off. (And, hey, it's sort of a thrill for me to be the one to ask, "what's for dinner?") They were both quite proud of themselves this weekend, and they were also really supportive of each other. It's new, and we'll have to see how well we maintain this, but even if it doesn't end up happening every weekend, I'm more confident that they will have all of the tools and resources they'll need in their adulthood. The girls and I will continue to learn together, and by the time they're grown, we'll all be strong women that can feed ourselves!

Everything I do is for them. And that includes living my life to the fullest.

Read more posts inspired by Take the Cake at the book club site, From Left to Write.
While I was given the book to read for free, I have not been compensated for this post.

Accepting My Weaknesses

We read this book in our leadership class about finding our strengths. A friend (and fellow classmate) and I are always making jokes about "that's not one of my strengths!"

I do think it's important to acknowledge that we will always have weaknesses. While some can be improved upon, just as with parenting my children, I have to pick my battles. There's only so much I can work on about myself!

One of the things I've learned to accept about myself is I'm not real good at talking. Particularly when I'm emotional or trying to make a point. I trip over my words, can't keep my pronouns straight, and I definitely put my foot in my mouth a lot!

Writing comes easier to me. Even if it's all jumbled in my head, I can edit/backspace/delete my way through it. (I don't go back and edit much here because I find if I take away every word I might find unnecessary, it's not a very far jump for me to decide that all the words are unnecessary!)

At work, I definitely do better in written communication than on calls. I still tend to get flustered, look at the wrong draft, call people the wrong names...I can sound like an idiot! In personal situations, I tend to cry a lot. (I sound like a lot of fun, don't I?)

Parentella recently did a chat on teens texting, and I wish I'd had that available to me at that age! A way to express myself that didn't leave me a crumpled, emotional mess.

I used to be much better at public speaking...or at least, I had more confidence about it. The older I get, the less comfortable I feel on display.

I could attempt to get better at it, but this writing stuff down thing has been working for me! I'm just going to accept this as one of my weaknesses.

Move On

If New Year's Eve is any indication on what the new year will be like, ours was perfect. Peaceful, even.

We went shopping so the girls could spend their gift cards, watched Alice in Wonderland and then played the Glee game (two of Sylvia's purchases). Then we each found our own little corners to do what we wanted to do. Riley tried to stay up until midnight, but fell asleep (of course). I woke her 10 minutes before midnight to watch the ball drop. She doesn't remember kissing me Happy New Year at midnight, but maybe next year! Then we all went to bed.

I mentioned in my holiday letter that we are going to have a lot of transition in 2011. The girls will both be graduating from their schools, and going to new ones. Where, we don't know yet. Moving again might be an option, depending on where they go. I won't know until March or April what their future holds so I'm trying not to think about any of it just yet.

Everything has been so stable for so long, but I think we'll be ready for some changes, too. Which sounds kind of weird, considering how good everything is right now, but I think it's just part of who we are. We've "conquered" this life, so to speak. To steal a line from my favorite fictional President on West Wing, "what's next?"

And, I wouldn't be me if I didn't also include a musical theatre reference! As Sondheim said in Sunday in the Park with George, it's time to "Move On."

While this may sound contrary to longing for a peaceful 2011, I don't believe it is. I think we have to acknowledge that change is inevitable, and I think we have the tools and resources to deal with change, and, hopefully, the changes will be for the better.

So I don't really see any need for resolutions. We'll "just keep moving on."

Watch the full episode. See more Great Performances.

*Amazon links are provided through my affiliates account. Any purchases made would generate a small referral fee for me. Video is via PBS' Great Performances, Sondheim! The Birthday Concert, which was so great, I've watched it 5 times already! I have no affiliation or association with PBS; just love them for bringing us this amazing concert.