Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A post

I'd apologize for being absent so long, but most of you were probably just grateful there weren't more posts in your Reader so instead I'll say, you're welcome! Things are good, really good, and busy, really busy, and no signs of slowing anytime soon. However, I have to find a way to keep blogging as a regular part of my life, because I miss it too much!

I missed F.A.B. Friday last week because I was sick. I had a tiny lull, and lo and behold, a virus took over. If ever I needed a reason to believe that busy is the way to go...I'll probably miss it this week, too, because our weekend's already packed.

I was disappointed, but not surprised, that X missed the girls' birthdays entirely. No phone call, nothing. He finally called yesterday, but didn't remember how old the girls are now.

The girls weren't surprised, either. I think about how much they've been hurt before, and all I can do is feel grateful. That's not to say it doesn't hurt them at all, but the fact that they didn't let it ruin their birthdays is a good thing.

Truth be told, none of us will ever be over it entirely. I still have reminders of those years I lost, in saving for retirement or starting college funds for them, in therapy bills and bad credit. I know how far I've come, but the consequences can only be diminished so much. They are there, they will always be there.

I know that the girls have a lot of love and support in their lives, but they will never know what it's like to be able to rely on two parents.

I think sometimes, we (in the universal meaning) get entirely too caught up in wanting to be positive all the time, wanting to dismiss the pain. But we can't get to acceptance if we never move beyond denial. And these stages aren't linear, but a constant process.

I have been better off since I realized that I will never be over it. It feels less like a sucker punch if I don't feel like the past is coming back to haunt me. The past is part of me.

And my present is...weird. In a good way! It's a transitional time, and there are a lot of unknowns right now. We don't know yet where Sylvia will go to high school, or where Riley will go to middle school. I want to move, but don't know if we should, and/or where. I don't know yet what will nurture my soul once my leadership class is over, but I know I will have to be doing something. Once again, I'm trying to figure out who I'm going to be when I grow up!


Erica said...

I know what you feel like - not knowing if you should move, not knowing what to be when you grow up! We're always in flux too. Especially since we rent, everything is a possibility. It's nice not to be tied down but I often wonder what it would be like to just fully commit to a place. Although in LA with our insane prices for everything (homes, schools), it's hard.
Good to hear from you!

Penelope said...

It's lovely to hear from you! I also really, really admire the mom you are.

Anonymous said...

Wow I can't believe your kids are going into HS and MS. I have been reading your blog for a lonnggg time!

Danielle said...

I feel that way every day. I keep saying that this is the year that I get a clue and find out who I want to be. Well, maybe next year. Lol

Cat said...

Grow.... up?

Aw crap, I knew I was forgetting something.

Unknown said...

I love that you're still trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up. Makes me smile :)

jenn said...

I feel like I'm still waiting to grow up. Of course being in college with 18 year olds every day probably doesn't help that feeling. (And then someone told me that I am officially a grownup now that I'm 30. Darn! haha)

You sound like you do much better in transistions than I do. I just get all crazy and stressed. And yet I feel like I've been in some crazy long transition for the last 4 years. Maybe that's what is wrong with me. :)

Mandy said...

I love this post. I spent years denying my feelings, and in the last year I've spent a lot of time rehashing things trying to understand why I let things happen, why I made the decisions I did. Understanding that is helping me to accept the past and to stop being angry with myself. And that I truly believe is paving the way to my future contentment.

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