Friday, July 25, 2008

NOT the 200th post

So I pulled a Mr Lady and found that there were unpublished posts in that number. Blasted Blogger! I've got a few more posts to go until I reach the 200th, so continue to submit questions if you like!

Tomorrow is moving day. Would you believe, the condo people called me 2 days ago and said it fell out of escrow and would I be willing to sign another year's lease? I laughed maniacally at the message!! I considered it, talked to friends and family, and decided it's time to say good-bye to the condo.

The last time I left, I did not get that chance. Because family has access to this blog, I'm not sure if I'll ever post that story. It's painful, and I don't want to bring it up to certain people. It's more than 10 years behind us now, but it still hurts. Anyway, the way everything went down, there was no official good-bye to the condo. Now I can do that.

Living there the past year, I remembered who I used to be. Before my kids, before my ex, there were moments where I could feel the person I was in junior high, high school and beyond. I remembered feeling confident in who I was, and believing that the world was my oyster. The moment I left that place, all of that was gone. I thought that person was dead. Living there brought the old me back to life. Not completely, and not the same, of course, but the essence that I sorely needed.

My life is not over. Nor will it ever be perfect. Nor will it be what I thought it would be during that time of my life. But I'm making the best and the most of what there is available to me today.

I know the areas where I still need improvement, and for the first time ever, I'm learning to be patient with myself that it will take baby-steps for me to get there, and I'm not beating myself up about it. I don't lose it completely anymore when people don't get me, or make fun of me for being who I am. I also know plenty of people who love me for who I am, and I'll take that over faking it.

I don't doubt my ability to survive anymore. I know I will always provide my children even beyond the basics of what they need. I know I will screw up, and they can still be okay. I know we are very fortunate that we are all healthy. I know we will stay connected in the most important ways.

I still get scared about certain things about the future, but it is a healthy amount of fear that keeps me driven to get it right as much as I can. I know I have certain people I can trust with those fears who will talk me through it. I know I have this little space to share it all with you, and you will continue to cheer me on when I need it.

I will TOTALLY miss having a washer and dryer in the house, and you can GUARANTEE that I will whine here about it, but that is all. I like the new place, and the girls are excited way beyond my expectations. And if something happens yet again, and we have to move again in another year? Well, that'll be all right, too. I certainly hope not, but there are certainly much worse things that can happen.

So, thank you, condo. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you. Thank you for this chance to say good-bye. And now, it's time to move on.


Kori said...

So yeah, I am sure you get tired of hearing this, but I am SO proud of you. It isn't the end so much at is a beginning, or a little bit of bouth, but either way, you will be okay. You are strong and wise and beautiful and you take the shit life hands down and you say, "Okay, what do I need to do in order to be the most okay I can be?" and then you DO it. you are such an inspiration to me. My undying admiration goes out to you.

However, lest you get too big a head from all of my effusive compliments, ha ha-you will have to go the laundromat, and I am GLAD it isn't me. :) That part would totally suck.

Anonymous said...

When one door closes, another one opens, but you already know that. I'm proud of you for telling the owners of that condo to shove it (at least that's what I'm imagining you did, because it makes me smile).

I've deleted so many times I will never have a big party for any number of posts because the number will always be incorrect. hehe.

Anonymous said...

I am so excited for you and all the opportunities that are ahead of you. As for laundry...blech. I am go glad that it's so cheap to send laundry out here. It comes back clean and folded. Now if I could just get them to put it all into the drawers and closets!

Tara R. said...

Good luck with the move. Sounds like this is a good time to take that next step... Good for you!

MarĂ­a said...

Wooo! Good luck!!

Mr Lady said...

The best things I've ever done for ME, even when I've f'ed them up horribly and totally screwed myself in the end, the best things, the things I am most proud of and have grown the most from have all scared the motherf'ing SHIT out of me in the beginning. Go do it. Go do the right thing. I'm rooting.

OHmommy said...

You know, April.

You are awesome. Stay positive and positive things will happen. They have to. Good things happen to good people. This move, sans the washer/dryer, might be the best thing ever. A new start. A new frame of mind. The girls are looking forward to it. I can;t wait to hear all about it.


Shiona said...

This just shows htat things happen for a reason. I'm glad you are all set. Anything that saves gas these days is always great too. It's great that you are so positive.

GetSmartGal said...

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and in my life it usually turns out that the bigger & scarier the change is the more it impacts my life.

Your a good person April, I know everything will work out for the best. :)

Anonymous said...

Stupid stupid housing issues. When it pisses me off the most, I start screaming "I'll just go live in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!" That usually makes me feel better. Hang in there!

Karen MEG said...

Good for you April, you and your girls.

Good luck with the move; sounds like you're more than ready...