At Parentella, my post is about parenting the procrastinator.
At CherryTree, I discuss why we choose more progressive parenting ways than our parents.
And I'm exciting to also be a contributor now at MomsLA. My first post is on why, despite all its problems, I still think LA's a great place to raise a family.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Yes, Virginia, there ARE single parent families
Sometimes, I can wave it off. People are used to this way of thinking, I remind myself. But when confronted with it - or rather being ignored because of it - I have to take a stand.
I'm a single parent, and that's not going to change. I exist, my children exist, and we're here to stay.
I went to two seminars where the speaker's attitude towards single parents was either negative or entirely absent. I'm not sure which one is worse.
In the financial seminar, the speaker was trying very hard to be inclusive; maybe you're married with children, or maybe you're single without children. Over and over, those were the choices. Here's what you do if you're married with children, and here's what you do if you're single without. Okay, then maybe I should just GO because clearly, I don't exist in your mind.
In the seminar on education, the speaker was addressing some of the challenges children may be facing; divorce, death, or drug use. Yes, folks, coming from a "broken home" is just as bad as having a dead parent. There are a number of divorced parents who interact with their exes just fine and both parents are still involved in their children's lives. But one of them may just as well have died. And if a spouse did pass away, then you don't count to the speaker from above because you're no longer married with children or single without.
This is 2011!! And yet, still, somehow, we can't get away from thinking about families in one way. Or if we do happen to acknowledge a difference, then it's an acknowledgment of irreparable damage.
I agree with the speaker that said drug use can be devastating to young children. Which is why I initiated the divorce! And I refuse to believe that we are hopelessly damaged because of it. In fact, the repair began with that particular dissolution. (And disillusion.)
I didn't say anything to either speaker. It wasn't the time or the place. But it's been bugging me ever since. It can be frustrating at times to live in a world where so many refuse to acknowledge my existence.
I'm a single parent, and that's not going to change. I exist, my children exist, and we're here to stay.
I went to two seminars where the speaker's attitude towards single parents was either negative or entirely absent. I'm not sure which one is worse.
In the financial seminar, the speaker was trying very hard to be inclusive; maybe you're married with children, or maybe you're single without children. Over and over, those were the choices. Here's what you do if you're married with children, and here's what you do if you're single without. Okay, then maybe I should just GO because clearly, I don't exist in your mind.
In the seminar on education, the speaker was addressing some of the challenges children may be facing; divorce, death, or drug use. Yes, folks, coming from a "broken home" is just as bad as having a dead parent. There are a number of divorced parents who interact with their exes just fine and both parents are still involved in their children's lives. But one of them may just as well have died. And if a spouse did pass away, then you don't count to the speaker from above because you're no longer married with children or single without.
This is 2011!! And yet, still, somehow, we can't get away from thinking about families in one way. Or if we do happen to acknowledge a difference, then it's an acknowledgment of irreparable damage.
I agree with the speaker that said drug use can be devastating to young children. Which is why I initiated the divorce! And I refuse to believe that we are hopelessly damaged because of it. In fact, the repair began with that particular dissolution. (And disillusion.)
I didn't say anything to either speaker. It wasn't the time or the place. But it's been bugging me ever since. It can be frustrating at times to live in a world where so many refuse to acknowledge my existence.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Highlights
As much as I blabber here, there is still so much left unsaid. Those moments that we're living our lives, I don't necessarily remember to record. So every so often, I'll post about these moments that are worth remembering.
- As is our custom, we were watching Glee together, and while we were already excited about the Diva-Off between Rachel and Mercedes, the song choice literally made Sylvia and I yell "YAY!" and sit up! As soon as the first few notes of "Take Me or Leave Me" from Rent
were played, one might have mistaken our simultaneous squeal of delight for a team's winning touchdown! I love that Sylvia and I did the exact same thing in the exact same moment.
- I was in the middle of watching a harrowing scene (one of many) in The Killing Fields. Riley came out with a game, and asked if we could play. While playing a board game may seem like a trivial response to seeing a man walk barefoot across a country to save his life, somehow it seemed appropriate to appreciate that we have a roof over our head and the time to enjoy each other's company sitting on the floor, playing and laughing together.
- Sylvia's gotten into the Power of Negative Thinking...but her negativity goes a trifle too far sometimes. She rolled her eyes at the thought of going to the zoo with my parents. I've already told her that I'm not going to take her dread too seriously, because she usually ends up enjoying whatever she's dreading. Sure enough, I get a text from her: "Mom, we just saw a baby koala!" My smile was two-fold: first, that she was enjoying herself, and second, that she wanted to share that with me.
- I procrastinated my weekend grocery shopping until Valentine's Day. Big mistake. So many people (men, mostly) rushing in to get flowers with balloons and such! But that's not what cracked me up. It was my cart's contents that were oh-so-typical of a single woman; I had picked up some dark chocolate, a big old carton of cat litter (it was on sale!), and yes, even Ramen noodles for a Chicken Lo Mein recipe I was trying. I had to laugh at myself!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Making the Time to Write
There hasn't been much time to blog lately, and even less time to read others'. We've been too busy living life! As I'm getting through the laundry, the girls have been very understanding that I need to write. I've written three different posts for three other sites, and oh yeah, I have this blog, too!
I love that my daughters get this blogging thing. As I was reading It's My Time to Write's post on Exploiting My Baby, I started to understand on a new level why this is important.
Books and blogs about parenting are changing how we parent. We are expressing our doubts and fears and challenges and de-mystifying parenting from those old stereotypes of "mothers always know" and "wait until your father gets home." And I think part of lifting that silence will actually bring parents and children closer together.
Part of what tears adolescents apart from their parents is that the teenagers finally get that we don't know everything. They're terrified to the point of anger that we can't always make everything better anymore. Their troubles can't be solved with a bandage and a kiss from Mommy, their mistakes have greater consequences than a time-out, they are about to enter the world independent of us, and feel in part that we've failed them for not prepping them enough. And some things are just too embarrassing or shameful to discuss with Mom or Dad.
By parents throwing open the doors to our own fears and challenges, admitting our mistakes on a blog, even sometimes crying in front our children, we are more vulnerable as humans than most parents before us. Even in our boasting about moments of triumph, we show how we got there. Our journey is there for all the world to see. Including, in the case of us bloggers, our children.
Sometimes, I've asked Sylvia to read what I write here, or elsewhere. Sometimes, I ask her to read it before I publish it, when it's about her and the Mean Girls or whatnot. I don't know if she ever reads my posts without me, but I feel okay with what I've written if she does. And I can't begin to describe the pride I feel when she tells me, "you're a good writer!" or "I'm so glad you blogged about that!" or even, "Mom, you should blog about that!"
Of course, reading other people's blogs or books on parenting is a great way to get different perspectives and new ideas. I find myself thinking about other people's posts long after I read them, even if my poor memory can rarely recall where I read it! And parenting has changed greatly now that we're no longer stuck to only our neighbors that generally think along the same lines we do for conversations about parenting. While the unfortunate consequence has been the judging of other mom bloggers, I gain a lot of value from those other moms, even if I don't always agree with them. I appreciate learning why they parent the way they do. (At one point, I was going to write about the Tiger Mom article, but then it all just became too much...noise.)
I find it hilarious that we stress so much value on reading and writing...and then criticize people who do just that. I'm proud to be a Mommy Blogger. I barely qualify anymore since that title usually only includes moms with young children, but I'll still call myself that. As long as I feel it just as important to make the time to write and read as making dinner; it feeds our family's soul.
I love that my daughters get this blogging thing. As I was reading It's My Time to Write's post on Exploiting My Baby, I started to understand on a new level why this is important.
Books and blogs about parenting are changing how we parent. We are expressing our doubts and fears and challenges and de-mystifying parenting from those old stereotypes of "mothers always know" and "wait until your father gets home." And I think part of lifting that silence will actually bring parents and children closer together.
Part of what tears adolescents apart from their parents is that the teenagers finally get that we don't know everything. They're terrified to the point of anger that we can't always make everything better anymore. Their troubles can't be solved with a bandage and a kiss from Mommy, their mistakes have greater consequences than a time-out, they are about to enter the world independent of us, and feel in part that we've failed them for not prepping them enough. And some things are just too embarrassing or shameful to discuss with Mom or Dad.
By parents throwing open the doors to our own fears and challenges, admitting our mistakes on a blog, even sometimes crying in front our children, we are more vulnerable as humans than most parents before us. Even in our boasting about moments of triumph, we show how we got there. Our journey is there for all the world to see. Including, in the case of us bloggers, our children.
Sometimes, I've asked Sylvia to read what I write here, or elsewhere. Sometimes, I ask her to read it before I publish it, when it's about her and the Mean Girls or whatnot. I don't know if she ever reads my posts without me, but I feel okay with what I've written if she does. And I can't begin to describe the pride I feel when she tells me, "you're a good writer!" or "I'm so glad you blogged about that!" or even, "Mom, you should blog about that!"
Of course, reading other people's blogs or books on parenting is a great way to get different perspectives and new ideas. I find myself thinking about other people's posts long after I read them, even if my poor memory can rarely recall where I read it! And parenting has changed greatly now that we're no longer stuck to only our neighbors that generally think along the same lines we do for conversations about parenting. While the unfortunate consequence has been the judging of other mom bloggers, I gain a lot of value from those other moms, even if I don't always agree with them. I appreciate learning why they parent the way they do. (At one point, I was going to write about the Tiger Mom article, but then it all just became too much...noise.)
I find it hilarious that we stress so much value on reading and writing...and then criticize people who do just that. I'm proud to be a Mommy Blogger. I barely qualify anymore since that title usually only includes moms with young children, but I'll still call myself that. As long as I feel it just as important to make the time to write and read as making dinner; it feeds our family's soul.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Weekend Reading
Regular readers know I'm a huge fun of Glee. At Parentella, I wrote about its messages that bring greater meaning to the show.
At Cherry Tree, my post is about why positive reinforcement works.
At Cherry Tree, my post is about why positive reinforcement works.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Giveaway winner
The winner of the Geffen giveaway is Chris! Looking forward to seeing you on Saturday!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
(Sur)real motherhood
Recently, Riley had a bad fall off a scooter at her friend's house. She came to me, visibly shaken, needing her mom. I cleaned her wounds, applied ointment and bandages, and she buried herself in my lap. One of those quintessential mother-child moments.One of those moments where I found myself thinking, "wow, I'm a real mom!"Like Teresa Strasser, author of the hilarious Exploiting My Baby
, motherhood wasn't on the top of my priority list when I was a child, imagining my oh-so-fabulous future as a starving artist. My "dream home" was a warehouse straight out of Flashdance. Long story short, my life took a completely different turn and here I am, feeling full and complete in healing my daughter's wounds and finding the best company in my two girls.
Riley tells me often that I'm the best mommy in the world and in my head, I'm always thinking, "that's just because she doesn't know any better!" And just waiting for the day she no longer believes that.
Because I still have those moments where it all just feels so...surreal that I'm actually their mother.
When the girls were younger, I felt validated in my motherhood by side-stepping Legos and washing bibs. Then it was in attending their holiday concerts and signing report cards. Now, it's in keeping track of their schedules, and picking them up at the appropriate time. These are things that mothers do!
Yet, like Teresa, there are still times where I don't feel quite part of the club. Maybe it's because it wasn't my childhood dream to be a mom that I still feel this need to prove my membership. Like, having the kids and raising them somehow isn't enough! Maybe it's just an insecurity thing.
And the moments that aren't picturesque? Like I'm supposed to know what to do when one of them misbehaves? It feels like one very long improv class, and I'm simply making up the rules as I go along. Like motherhood is a role I'm playing...for the rest of my life. So I play it to the fullest. Blog about our lives and say, "We were here. I was Sylvia and Riley's mom."
The exploitation feels necessary in order to confirm that it is indeed happening. And if I'm lucky, Riley and Sylvia will believe I was at least good enough.
Read more posts inspired by Exploiting My Baby
at the book club site, From Left to Write. While I was given the book to read for free, I have not been compensated for this post.Amazon links are connected to my Amazon Affiliates account.
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