Resolving to be Flexible

The last New Year's resolution that I made that I've actually kept is to not make any more New Year's resolutions.

It was made several years ago, after years of failing to keep any resolutions and starting the New Year kicking myself instead of celebrating all the possibilities that the next year can have, as well as all the accomplishments made in the last year.

My life has undergone many incarnations throughout the years. I've been a child actor, a starving artist, a stay-at-home mom, a working mom, married, divorced, a title that included senior staff privileges, and an assistant. I've worked in market research, the legal field, restaurants, and on a cruise ship. If there has been one constant in my life, it has been change.

I was never a very good improv actor, but my life has taught me that the one thing I must be is quick to adapt. And above all, parenting is the most challenging improvising I've ever done.

My oldest daughter will be 12 this year. Her body has already started to change, and she goes from being an independent, thoughtful person one minute to a crying mess the next. Motherhood has always meant a mountain of patience, but the patience required to raise an adolescent is beyond measurable! I never know if a lame joke will make her smile and change moods again (which it sometimes does) or if she will turn into the eye-rolling embarrassed teen (which she sometimes does). I'm learning not to take it personally.

Before I was a mom, it was easy to flit from one thing to the next. Raising babies, however, required stability. As soon as I got the hang of that, they've gone and grown on me and now the schedule changes according to their schedule changes, which will inevitably change again.

The good news is, they're learning to enjoy downtime now. After weeks of basketball games and holiday parties, they couldn't have been happier to spend a quiet weekend at home. And occasionally, they even entertained themselves!

So no, I will not be making any promises to myself this New Year's. Except maybe, to take it all as it comes.

Originally posted on LA Moms, Dec. 29, 2008

(Early) Weekend Wrap-Up & (Early) Happy New Year

Phew! I've been offline at home for the past couple of days due to some technical difficulties. It's nice to be back!

We had a really nice, quiet Christmas. My dad made the tamales, rice and beans for Xmas Eve dinner and baked cookies with the girls. We enjoyed a bottle of champagne I'd been given from one of the lawyers, and opened our traditional PJs.



Riley was beside herself with excitement, but they went to bed at a fairly reasonable hour. We opened a bottle of wine I'd been given from another one of the lawyers :) and talked until enough time had passed to grab the presents, stuff the stockings, etc. Then we had some Bailey's (this time provided by my parents) and talked some more. We finally headed to bed around midnight.

Riley got up and woke her sister around 2:30 a.m. Sylvia very wisely went back to bed after peeking at the stockings and the tree. Riley stayed up for about an hour and then fell back asleep on the couch. Sylvia thankfully let me sleep until seven.

Once we were done oohing and aahing over the gifts, my dad made the popovers, and we gobbled them up. Riley popped in her new Mamma Mia dvd and we enjoyed that before my parents took the girls to my cousin's house and I loaded up all our new treasures and went home.

I watched 4 episodes of West Wing in a row - I totally miss that show - and then called Kori to hear all about her Christmas. I couldn't help but beam. Then I finished the wine while watching The Breakfast Club - which I'm sure is not nearly as good as I think it is.

The next morning was again a breeze not getting up with children and work was serenely quiet. I finally cleaned up my email inbox at work and in Gmail. I spent the rest of my payflex money stocking up on supplies from drugstore.com (they have an HSA store which makes it easy), and got my Reader down to nothing. Grabbed some groceries, and met the girls. We are now caught up on Lost. And I have NO unread New Yorkers!

I'm now doing some end-of-year cleaning around the house, but I desperately needed my internet up and running for those well-deserved breaks. That took a good 4 hours of my day. But it's done and I'm here!

Here are the girls modeling their new outfits:





I hope you all had a great holiday. I think I'll take a blogging break until 2009, but I'll continue to keep up with you all in the meantime. I can't believe how many of you I've now "known" for a year, and I'm so grateful to have had the pleasure to meet some of you this past year. I hope to meet more of you in the coming year, but if not, I'll continue enjoying the pleasure of your company in my Reader, your comments, and emails.

Here's hoping for a new year filled with love, laughter, and joy for all of us!

Our Santa Story

Two or three years ago, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take some fictional MAN taking all the credit for all the scrounging I was doing to give my girls that Christmas morning pleasure of a tree overflowing with gifts. Particularly back then, when my salary was lower, and my money concerns much greater. (It's still a concern to some degree, but not nearly as bad as it used to be.)

I think it was three Christmases ago that after the holiday, I shared the news with Sylvia. A few months went by before we told Riley.

I told them that while the story of one man going to every house in the country giving gifts was not true, but that we could all be Santa. That my parents and I play the role for them, and that Santa lives in our hearts.

I remember when my dad told me. I was DEVASTATED. And then he added salt to the wound by telling me that the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy weren't real, either...it was more than I could take. I totally fell apart.

Sylvia was skeptical that I had been lying to her - but I didn't phrase it like that. I just told her that I was playing my part. Riley loved being let it on the secret. I just hoped that they weren't telling their friends so I stressed to them the importance of letting the moms and dads tell them.

It was months until the next Christmas. When it came around, Sylvia would wink and nudge at me when people referred to Santa. But she still wanted to see Santa and take the pictures. Riley, too. And they still do.

They still watch the holiday specials, they didn't even recognize a family friend of ours when he played Santa recently. They talk about the tooth fairy. In fact, Riley lost a tooth today and I said I hoped the tooth fairy and Santa didn't get in an accident tonight. Riley just looked at me, exasperated at my bad humor but still smiling, and said, "Mom!" in that multi-syllabic way.

I hear parents talk about using different wrapping paper for Santa gifts and I'm just glad it's not me worrying about that!

For me, besides the whole fictional man issue, there was also the issue that I am the only one that my girls can count on. They need to know that they can trust me. I used to worry about them hearing it from someone else, and how that would affect our relationship. That may sound trivial, but it wasn't to me. I just couldn't take that chance.

When I told Sylvia, I asked her if she'd been told already. She said she had heard some talk at school about it, and had meant to ask me about it, but she hadn't yet. She did seem grateful that I trusted her with the truth.

A few weeks ago, Sylvia lost a tooth. She still puts them under her pillow for reimbursement. So as I was heading to bed, I came in with a dollar. She was still up, and had pulled out another one! I handed her the dollar, told her I had no more dollar bills and would owe her another. She gave me the tooth. We went to bed. A few days later, I handed her another dollar.

For us, the truth is so much easier to handle.

This is not a judgment against anyone. It's just our story.

Weekend Wrap-Up

Things are beginning to wind down for us, which is nice. Almost all of the holiday parties are done!

It started Monday night with our department holiday dinner, which is the lawyers' present to all of us and it was excellent. Thursday, our wing had a holiday pot-luck where a few of us hung out in a corner and were thoroughly amused by ourselves - just thinking about it makes me start grinning like a fool. That was also the day of the Boys & Girls Club party, where the girls had a blast.

Riley had her holiday program on Friday, and was cute as a button, of course. What I particularly enjoyed was that they split the program up so we were only there for her and one other class. Instead of taking 2 hours out of my day, it only took a half-hour. I truly appreciated that!

Saturday was our extended family holiday party which my parents host. My mom always puts together a contest - this year it was "where in the world are we" where she got to boast about all of her vacations and we had to guess where they were based on the photo. I actually won! I got a nice bag out of it, which I'm using as a gym bag.

Yes, I have succumbed. I joined our company's fitness center and am going tonight to my first class. I haven't worked out in a few years because I hate working out. I'm trying out the Cardio Salsa class. I can't work out if that's the only objective. I need choreography to take my mind off the actual exercise.

Sunday was supposed to be the day where Sylvia played Mommy for the Day. As soon as it involved actual doing something, it was over, of course. So Riley was supposed to take over, but she didn't want to do anything, either. I didn't mind. (I got to sleep in so what could be wrong?)We had a Lost marathon as well. One more disc and we're caught up!

And we got a call from the old Boys & Girls Club where the girls went last year, inviting us to their holiday party tomorrow. The girls are so excited to see their old friends again, and I was really touched that they asked us. And then we'll be done with the parties.

Some of my single mom friends will be horrified by this, but what I'm most looking forward to about Xmas is when the girls go with my parents to our cousins' house for Xmas dinner, and I'll have the night to myself. We'll be together Xmas Eve night, and we'll have our Xmas morning tradition together, but my cousins live a couple hours away, and I have to work the next day so I'm begging off the dinner and the girls will spend the night with my parents. I'm looking forward to being home alone.

I'm also looking forward to this week and next at work. It's generally quieter with a lot of people on vacation and it's a good chance to catch up on some old filing without constant interruptions.

I'm like an infant whose had too much stimulation lately. I need a blank wall for a bit.

New Year's Wishes for my Daughters

As we continue to scurry around in the holiday madness, I've been reminded that we are entering a new year, with many changes in our future. No one knows exactly how these changes will turn out, but most of us are hyper-aware of the uncertainty that we take into 2009.

As a mother, I wonder, how much of this is affecting my children? It is nearly impossible to shield them from talk of recession, a new incoming administration, of the major failures and downfalls of our leaders in business and politics, nor do I really want them to be completely oblivious. As usual, I am attempting to find a proper balance in their outlook and mine.

My main wish for this coming year is to keep my oldest daughter's world as stable as possible. Apparently, any trauma surrounding her twelfth year of life can have life-lasting consequences. While both of my daughters are well aware that I can't control everything (sometimes moreso than I'm willing to admit to myself, even), this mama lion will be at her most fierce against any and all outside forces that threaten to upset her life.

I will do my best to keep in tune with their development. It's astonishing to see the changes in maturity level, even from one minute to the next! It has made me wonder if the real generation gap comes from well-meaning parents simply trying to understand their child's emotional state (with the term "state" being used very, very loosely). I will keep the music volume down in the car so that we can continue to have the heart-to-hearts that seem to take place there. (Probably has to do with more time being spent in that car than at a dinner table together!)

I will put more effort into spending one-on-one time with each of my daughters. It's not that they don't get one-on-one time with me, but it's usually spontaneous. Sylvia (my oldest) and I seem to do most of our connecting when I'm carting her from one activity or another. Riley (my 8-year-old) gets her mommy time snuggling in my bed with me. I think I need to actually schedule activities with one of them at a time when possible.

I will do my best to continue to communicate to them that even though the world can make no sense, and sometimes life isn't fair, it is still better for them to attempt to always do the right thing. We may not be able to make a war go away, or completely stop all injustice, but we can lead our own lives as justly as possible. And that sometimes we do screw up, but so long as we can learn from it, and correct our mistakes as possible, then we can sleep contentedly. That sometimes the past is better left behind us, and the present is all that we can control.

We will continue to watch the morning news as a family, and certain movies and TV shows as a family to discuss human nature and all the dangers and love that can be found within humanity. We will continue to laugh at ourselves, and tell each other we're sorry. We will lose our temper with each other, but our love for each other will never be questioned. We will never go to bed without hugs and kisses. We will never pass up an opportunity to tell each other we love each other. We will share our ups and downs with each other. We will spend time with family and friends. We will continue to get up every day and go to school/work, and do our homework/housework.

The year on the calendar may change, but we will appreciate all that remains the same, too.

Originally posted on LA Moms, Dec. 18, 2008

Not the Time or the Place

I'm so very disappointed. And hurt. And angry. Obama has chosen Rick Warren, one of the most vocal and staunch supporters of Prop 8, to give the invocation at his inauguration.

I heard him on NPR this morning, saying that this is a time to come together.

President-elect, I'm not ready. This issue still continues to gall me. And I'm beginning to doubt you when you say you support gay and lesbian rights, all the while giving a most glorious job to the person who worked hard to defeat those rights.

It's one thing to put Warren on a committee of religious leaders to work through these issues. It's quite another to have him as one of the stars of this event.

I was so looking forward to January 20, and celebrating your inauguration. Now it's completely tainted. I feel like I've been slapped in the face. Or punched in the gut.

I fear it's probably too late for anything to change. Because if Obama pulls the invite now, then he upsets a whole other set of folks.

I disagree that this brings us together. This pulls us entirely apart. I don't understand the reasoning behind picking a very controversial figure for this event. If you want us to come together, then the people on that stage with you should be those that also believe in bringing people together, not pulling us apart.

I'm so upset.

Now I'm ticked

This article about how a stay-at-home mom was denied from being able to purchase a cell phone and was told that her husband should buy it for her was disturbing enough, but what really gets me is the comments from those defending the phone company!

This comment in particular burned me:

Of course mums work very hard, but that doesn't make them exempt from showing income against their name, which is what the real issue is.

This goes to a point which someone was making to me about how some (politicians, in particular) like to talk a good game about supporting families and family values, but our actions don't speak to it. And why we really need to start thinking more about the human beings at stake rather than setting arbritrary rules and laws that don't make any sense in a lot of situations.

Those that support the phone company seem to be arguing that, hey, how are they to know she can pay her bill? Anyone ever hear of deposits? Before assuming she can't pay her bill, how about giving her the chance? This would also be in the best interest of the company, who is in the business of selling phones.

I also have a real problem with anyone telling any woman how she should run her life.
She's not on welfare, she's not asking for special treatment, she's simply trying to buy a product. So long as she pays her bills (and since when have companies ever cared who pays the bills so long as they get paid), it really is none of our business what her family has chosen as their lifestyle.

I was beginning to question my original belief that governments should just get out of the marriage license business altogether, because we're having a major defecit problem right now and more marriages would frankly help (gay or straight).

But this has put me firmly back into the category of "stay the hell out of our lives." Stop assuming you know what I can and can't afford based on a few labels.

Next thing you know, apartment buildings will stop renting to single mothers because how are they going to be able to afford it without a man around?

Not to mention (well, okay, I guess I'm mentioning it) is this comes after a time when everyone was throwing loans around, regardless of income. So now I guess the pendulum is swinging far off in the other direction...to correct their mistakes, and we pay for it. Or can't buy it. BALANCE, people!!