Sylvia's Eleven

Was it really eleven years ago today? I can't believe that.

Sylvia's heart can burst from all that it feels and all the love there is to give. I'll be honest, I get annoyed sometimes with just how much she feels everything, but at the same time, I try not to let it show too much because I think it's better to know what we feel than not.

I asked her a few days ago what she's like at school - is she totally different than at home? And she said yes, "but you'd like it, Mommy. I'm way quieter at school!" So I guess she's got a lot of pent-up stuff by the time we get home.

But when she's happy...her energy can light up the sky. She's so creative, and shows definite artistic skills. She was drawing better than me at the age of 4. She can sing, dance, and her acting has stolen many a play! She's funny, smart, has a strong sense of fairness and equality.

She loves with all her heart. She strives to be the best at everything she tries. She makes friends easily, and can adapt to situations. She doesn't know how to be disingenuous.

I don't know what she'll be when she grows up. She shows an interest in so many things, and I encourage that as much as possible. I think it'll be important to her to truly love whatever she ends up doing.

Two years ago, homework time was a battle zone between the two of us. Now, she gets it out without my having to remind her. I'm pleasantly surprised by this streak of independence.

I used to worry about her a great deal. I used to worry that she'd follow my steps into an unhealthy relationship, but I'm learning more and more that she's not me. She's already surpassed me in how she handles her dad. She loves him, but doesn't depend on him. I worried that she might follow her dad down the path of drug addiction, but now I know that she knows too much about it and loves herself too much to go down that road.

She's truly special. Slowly but surely, she's growing up. But not too fast. One birthday, one year at a time.

(Happy Halloween!)

What IS best for the child?

Have you heard about Nebraska's safe haven law? Parents have been leaving children as old as 17 in designated safe havens because they no longer felt capable of raising them.

The law was intended to protect infants, but they're now having to call a special session because the law as written did not specify an age.

We mommy bloggers can joke, or even write seriously sometimes, about how much our children can drive us crazy, but this whole thing begs the question: where is our support?

I've talked about this in terms of educating our children, but it also needs to be dealt with in broader terms.

I know someone who felt much like the mother in the article above did. The mother in the article states, “I ran out of fight. I ran out of hope.” I know someone who knows exactly how she feels.

The mother I knew looked for resources. She thought about one of those boot camps, but that's when the stories started coming out about children dying there, so that was a no go (not to mention, she couldn't afford it). When her son was arrested, she hoped that the juvenile court system would have resources available that could help. Instead, he just met more hardened criminals, and even seemed to prefer life behind bars where nothing was expected of him. She took away his freedoms - took away every luxury item he owned. She took him to counselors - there was nothing they could do for him.

All parents could use a little help now and then. Why do you think a show like Supernanny is so successful? Because we see that so many parents feel as lost as we can sometimes. Most of us are horrified by the parents' and the children's behavior, but on some level, we can relate to feeling like we just can't do this anymore.

Now, of course, I would never abandon my children. Of course, I would never attempt to drive to Nebraska before they change the law. But I also have to honestly admit that there are times that I think, "wow. I have no clue what I'm doing, and I can't do this anymore." There are times when I have looked for courses in parenting - and found that they're usually only available by court mandate.

Sure, there are 1,000 books I could read, but none of them speak directly to my children and me, specifically, as a mom.

I do go back to therapy once in a while, mainly for the sole purpose of having an expert help me. But I know that's not available for everyone.

It's so easy to place the blame on parents - and usually deserved - when children go wrong. But should the child really suffer for the parent's ignorance? Shouldn't there be somebody there to say, hey, here's another way to handle this.

It usually only happens in the cases of severe abuse. But what about simply screwing up?

No, I don't think we should mandate it. No, I don't want our government raising our children.

But I would like to see more support out there available for parents. And I think that what's happening in Nebraska is an indication that more of us feel desperate more often than what we'd like our neighbors, family, friends, and yes even readers, to think.

People like to make fun of Desperate Housewives, and I wish it would go back to what was originally great about it. My favorite moment - ever - from that show was when Felicity Huffman's character was down in that field, crying, and telling her friends she had no idea what she was doing as a mom. Her friends all comforted her, and relayed their biggest fears and moments of inadequacy. She looked at them (I'll never forget this), and said (and I'm paraphrasing of course), "why didn't you tell me these things? We should tell each other this stuff!"

We should, but we don't. It takes us a long, long time to feel comfortable enough that our friends won't judge us as terrible parents. Luckily, I have Kori now - and others - that I can be that honest.

And, btw, if any of you want to email me your deepest fears, I'm here without judgment. In fact, I defy you to confess an emotion that I haven't felt as a parent!

But I know this isn't the norm.

I do think that mommy blogging is opening that door for us, though. I think that the longer we blog, and the more supportive comments we receive, the braver we get to confessing our downfalls, our missteps, and then we can all breath a deep sigh of relief..."yes! She's felt that, too!" Such power in knowing we're not alone.

Not all (or sometimes any) of us will have all the answers, but the greater we build this community, and the more open and honest (withOUT JUDGMENT) we are to sharing, just think of all the great things we can learn, and how much stronger our families, and our children can be!

But alas, looks like we'll not be able to threaten that trip to Nebraska much longer!

Politically Corrupting My Children...One Election at a Time

I'll be missing the PTA meeting for Riley's school this month. I was outvoted on moving it from Nov. 4 (which I find pretty ironic), and while we last met on a Presidential Debate night, at least those can be DVR'd. Election results, however, can not.

Before that last PTA meeting, my kids ate fast food silently in the car while I blasted NPR and the first half hour of the debate. My children are subjected to GMA every morning while we dress and I shush them to hear the latest poll numbers. Certain proposition commercials have been banned from the household.

Sylvia, who will be 11 on Friday, was given a mighty lecture from me the other night when she made the mistake of asking if she "has to vote" when she turns 18. You would've thought she'd asked if taking drugs was okay from the vehemence in my voice!

This weekend, I'll be devoting at least an hour to calling moms in a Get Out the Vote campaign while I stick my kids in front of a DVD to keep them occupied. And frankly, I'm a little annoyed that their birthdays are just days before the election. I've missed out on some great campaign parties with the bday celebrations!

My kids are my top priority 24/7. Except for the weeks before an election. One day, I hope that they similarly corrupt their kids in the name of patriotism.

Originally posted on LA Moms, October 28, 2008

Update and Rant

I've had no time or energy to organize pics for a weekend wrap-up, so suffice it to say, we had a wonderful - albeit busy - weekend! We spent Saturday (Riley's bday) at Disneyland with family, and had a great time. The only disappointment was we didn't make it on Space Mountain this time, but we're going back next month (to meet Natalie - yay!).

Sunday, my sis and I went on a luncheon cruise (a 3-hour tour) that I won in a raffle and had a marvelous time. It was a nice preview to what my booze cruise weekend will be in January, and I'm very very much looking forward to it.

Kori got me sick last week! Yes, from Idaho, somehow I managed to catch it here in Burbank. Go figure. So I haven't been keeping up in my blog reading, sorry! I'm trying, but I may have to give up and just mark all as read.

This weekend will also be busy. Sylvia's bday is on Friday/Halloween. On Saturday, we're going to see HSM3 and roller-coasting to celebrate. There will finally be some peace and quiet on Sunday. Oh, and I'm also making Get Out The Vote calls with MomsRising. They're only asking for an hour's commitment - can you spare it?

I'm thrilled that I'm now going to be a contributor for LA Moms Blogs. I'll let you know when my postings are up over there, and hope you'll come by! And a special thank you to Florinda for inviting me to submit.

I do have a bit of a rant, though. I was over at Pisceshanna's blog, and got myself all worked up again when someone - who of course, didn't leave a real link - oh so innocently asked how such a smart girl could get involved with a deadbeat?

I cannot begin to tell you how much this drives me crazy. Actually, I can, because I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. The single parent who takes on the responsibility of actually RAISING the child does NOT need that kind of judgment!

As it is, we live with those poor decisions every. day. every minute. every second. of our lives. We are the ones who are trying to figure out how to pay rent, work out our child care situation, work, and still want to give our children the very best we can and agonize DAILY over our attempts to do so.

And, yes, we do our share of beating ourselves up over finding ourselves in this position to begin with. But we also know, we can't regret it all too much because we love our kids. And to wish away all the bad things would imply that we wished away our kids, too, which we NEVER do. Sure, we joke about it - as much as any parent. But we are here doing the job every day of raising them. We cannot regret that.

And here's the other thing: the problem lies with the DEADBEATS, not us. Male or female, if someone has chosen drugs, greed, or basically anything besides putting their children first, THEY are to blame.

We - every single mom blogger I know - went into these relationships and had these children believing the very best of people. It may have been misguided, it may have been naive, but there was nothing evil or malice about what we tried to do. We tried to have the American dream. Our failure is hard enough to swallow without judgment from those who clearly don't get it.

And we don't need it. Plain and simple. If there is nothing of value to say, no words of support or encouragement to offer, no love to give, why does someone bother saying something like that? There's nothing innocent about the question when it basically asks why we were so stupid. It's bound to get us defensive, and it's bound to hurt. And it's not fair.

I have a friend who is putting herself in a similar situation. And I'm really struggling with it. I've tried to alert her to the warning signs, but I know she's just believing everything because she so badly wants to. Part of me wants to bang her upside the head, too, but there's that other part of me who has been there and gets it that understands it exactly.

I'm in no position to judge her. Now all I can do is step back and wait. I have to hope, for her sake, that all my fears are wrong, but if they're not, then I'm prepared to just be there for her if/when it all falls apart. And never will I utter the phrase, "I told you so" or "How could you be so smart and still fall for him?" As much as I wish I could stop it, I cannot cut her off. I need to be there for her. I will not condition my friendship with her like that.

And I know I've said this before, too, but I am so very grateful for all of the single moms I've found here. I don't know how I did it before I found you. Thank you - and all my readers - for your constant support.

As soon as I get thru this next bday, I'll try to be a better reader/friend to all of you!

My Baby is 8

Up to the night before Riley was born, I remember worrying that there wasn't any way that I could possibly love another human being as much as I loved Sylvia. Of course, from the moment I saw Riley - 8 years ago Saturday - I realized that love is boundless. If it could be measured, I'm sure that I love her more today than I did that first day of her life.

Riley has always seemed to me to be a very old soul. She's incredibly observant (particularly when she thinks you're not paying attention), empathetic, bright, and can light up anyone's day. At the same time, she has no problem speaking her mind, and sometimes scares me with her seemingly fearlessness.

She was a very easy baby. As a toddler, she didn't have tantrums. She came to school, eager to learn.

She does, however, have a streak of stubbornness and independence that she hasn't quite matured into yet. The good news is I don't think she'll ever be a victim of anyone besides herself. Her life will be entirely what she makes of it.

Most of the time, I feel like she's a better person than me. She has learned early how to love someone, yet not see them through rose-colored glasses. She instinctively puts herself in someone else's shoes before judging. She may come across as shy upon a first meeting, but really, she's just holding back, allowing the other person to shine. But when it's her turn to take center stage, she knows how to milk it for all its worth!

She is charming, yet sincere. She knows she's gorgeous, but keeps it in perspective. She's eager to explore anything and everything that life has to offer, and can cope with disappointment.

She's not perfect, but close enough for me!

I'm honored to be Riley's mother, and look forward to what she will teach me in her 8th year.

Blog Blast for Education - October 2008

This BlogBlast post will be a rant on two of the most dreaded words (to me) in the English language: "parental involvement."

We hear about parental involvement everywhere these days, but my frustration with the words have to do with how they seem to mean something different to everyone who utters them.

Parental involvement, to me, should mean that the parents care about their child getting a quality education. Parental involvement should mean that the parent provides a proper environment at home for reinforcing learning in the school. Parental involvement should mean taking an active interest in what's happening at their child's school, and when possible, participating.

Unfortunately, it seems some teachers, principals, and others think it means a variety of other things.

Parental involvement can mean that you buddy up to the staff while your children are still in diapers, and donate as much time and money as possible to help such staff overlook things like neighborhood boundaries. Parental involvement can mean that parents do the art projects for their kindergarten student. Parental involvement can mean not questioning any activity, fundraiser, or methodology and simply nodding your head in agreement. Parental involvement can mean seeing how many neighbors, friends, family members, and co-workers you can get to buy wrapping paper and cookie dough so that your child can get the prize they want for selling an obscene amount of unnecessary cookie dough (that ends up in the workplace freezer to waste space for a seemingly endless amount of months).

I recently wrote a very long email to the National PTA about their own involvement - or lack thereof - in creating a stronger sense of community between teachers and parents.

There's so much blame these days - it's the parents' fault, it's the kids, it's the administration, NCLB, the teachers - and I'm sure this post could come across as a rant against school personnel.

It's really not meant to be. It's a rant about how we are doing a disservice if we don't learn how to work together on this thing.

Everyone's made mistakes, everyone's to blame, everyone needs to come together now.

The National PTA blew me off, and this does not make me happy.

The PTA is supposed to be an organization whose main purpose is to bring all interested parties together to do what we all can do to provide a quality education for our children.

The PTA is still stuck in the '50's. It believes that there should be a parent available at 8:30 in the morning for PTA meetings. It believes that the best way to fundraise is to make private organizations richer off of our children, while we should be happy with a cut of the profits.

It does not recognize that over 70% of parents work. Not only that, but our income is less than that of our counterparts from twenty years ago. We simply do not have the funds to donate every month in the specific ways that they prefer. We do not have all day to bake for a bake sale, or endless hours to make copies for the teachers. We do not have all night to teach our children how to do their homework. We do not always know how to handle our children when they refuse to do their homework, or don't show up to class. We need help. We need support. Instead, we're simply asked to give more time and more money.

I realize that everyone is overworked these days, but I don't think that schools, for the most part, appreciate that the same applies to the parents, too.

Having said all that, we do want to do our part. We just can't always do it in the ways that our PTA wants.

We can ask our teachers for what their direct needs are for the classroom. I have no qualms about picking up another box of kleenex or crayons while I'm at the grocery store. I can afford that, and it's something that will have a direct, positive impact on my child's classroom.

We can support fundraisers where the funds go directly to the school. DonorsChoose.org is an excellent website for that purpose. However, there are also home-grown fundraisers that can be done without making national organizations (like Scholastic) richer. We can hold jog-a-thons and read-a-thons, where our children benefit from the exercise and reading and the school gets all the proceeds.

My older daughter's school held a carnival where the kids ran the entire event with the help of staff. They had carnival games and food. The kids worked in shifts, and the whole family had fun. The only thing I would recommend for this next year would be to raise the prices. They could've charged more than the twenty-five cents per ticket.

My youngest daughter's school also approaches local businesses to support their local school. At the "rock concert" they hosted for their Arts programs, a local restaurant donated 50% of the profits to the school. A number of the local businesses provided prizes for the raffle. All of the teachers came and participated to make it a true school community event.

Education should be a community activity. From local professionals sharing their expertise on Career Days to parents and teachers working together to figure out how they can all work together to provide all the best opportunities for the children to succeed, and ensuring that every child believes they can do it. We - as a community, as a country - cannot afford to lose another child.

Got a BlogBlast for Education post? I can't wait to read it!!

Random

Not unlike most bloggers these days, things have been busy, but it's all good. We've had a few school events, including Sylvia's music concert and multi-cultural night at Riley's school. We had a family get-together that included bday wishes for my sister, my nephew, my daughters, and my mother. Work has been really busy, but I've gotten lots of thanks for it so that's nice!

Plus, I'm supposed to be writing an article for another website, reviewing a book, and prepping my own post for the BlogBlast for Education. Oh, yeah, and raising those two kids!

Riley and her teach at Multi-Cultural Night:

Of course, Sylvia could not be left out of the action that night:

Worldly Riley:

This is Riley's last week as a seven-year-old. She says she's looking forward to being an even number again.

So I'll keep this short and sweet. I hope you're all having a good week - and scheduling your posts for the Blog Blast!