Single Parents Appreciation Day

I started my official journey as a single mom in 2003. Truth be told, I was a single parent the whole time since I was the only one putting their needs first, but that's another story. Sylvia's graduation from high school this June will mark the end of one era.

12 years ago, months before Sylvia's 6th and Riley's 3rd birthday, our world changed forever. We moved back to L.A., I had no job, no checking account, no car and we were living with my parents. It was hard. It was emotionally exhausting. But it was the start of a new life.

Being divorced is different than being a solo parent from the start; not necessarily better or worse, just different. And some divorced parents are great at co-parenting, but the key to co-parenting is both parents have to be willing. In our situation, that wasn't an option.

But that didn't mean I was alone. I had my parents, my sister and her family, and I ended up landing a job with the best department ever. Through the years, we've been lucky to attach ourselves to more great people.

Without dismissing all these cherished relationships, most of the time, it's just me and the girls. And most of the time, that's all we need.

In the beginning, I was questioning myself more often than not. And I made enough mistakes to have good reason to question myself! Not to say I don't question myself now, but I have a different outlook these days.

I tried plenty of other people's ideas along the way. Family meetings, chore charts, tying allowance to chores, docking allowance, trying to schedule one-on-one time, routines...and on and on. I read tons of parenting blogs and websites, trying to find the magic formula of parenting. Of course, there is no such thing, which I knew, but still felt like I had to try.

Eventually, I settled into just being myself. I still read, I still considered, I still tried different things, but somewhere along the way, I knew that I couldn't do something because it worked for someone else. I could only try it if I believed in it.

I am probably the most inconsistent parent ever, but the girls (and I) have learned to accept that about me. The way I look at it, it's worth trying, but there's also value in admitting I was wrong. I don't want to be the one doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results! Instead, I want to try something new. And when that doesn't work, bag it, and try something even newer!

The girls have no trouble making fun of me when I admit I blew it. They will tell me when they think I'm wrong. But they will also tell me when I was right. They're not as forthright about it, but they find their ways.

I have learned that one has to have the same (or substantially similar) conversation at least 3 times before the message starts to get through. I think they must dismiss the first without a thought, they hear but don't believe the 2nd, and by the third time, they start to see the validity of my words. Sometimes, there's a 4th time where they say it like they're the ones who thought so in the first place!

Which is why you have to keep your sense of humor. Not just a single parent, not just as a parent, but just to get through the day. But it also gives the girls freedom to laugh at themselves, too.

The truth is, I don't think I'll ever get over the guilt of not giving them a father worthy of them. But I so appreciate their forgiveness of that. They've long gotten over any anger towards me about that, and they have outright thanked me for leaving him and giving them a better life.

They have taught me so much about love and respect and forgiveness and self-efficacy and self-confidence and I am so very appreciative to be their single mother. Today and every day.

National Single Parents Day: March 21

Yes, another celebration! National Single Parents Appreciation Day is this Saturday, March 21.

Some ideas from About on how to celebrate:

• Write your elected official.
• Write a letter to your children.
• If you were raised by a single parent, call them! 

I have a few other ideas, too:

• Re-examine your budget. We can help our kids now and in the future by modeling good financial habits.
• Introduce your child to something you love: a favorite song/movie/book, a cleaning hack, a card game. 
• Let your child introduce you to something they love. I don't always love it as much as they do, but I do love to see that light in their eyes!
• Take time for yourself. As a single parent, you have earned it!

Sylvia's Financial Update

She now has two paychecks under her belt, and while she made fun of me after the first paycheck, Sylvia was eager to YNAB her second paycheck!

I've been reading Elizabeth Warren's All Your Worth, and taking a page from that, I insisted she first put 20% of each paycheck in Emergency Savings. Sylvia agrees with this method. [required disclosure: Amazon affiliate link - may result in a small amount of $$ for me]

The book goes on to state that your must-haves should equal no more than 50% of your income, and then the remaining 30% can be spent on wants. My must-haves exceed that for sure, but Sylvia doesn't really have any. So we're left more to YNAB's way after that: what does this money need to do before she gets paid again?

We next give the proper funding to Transportation and Spending Money (for lunches - she can make them at home or spend her own $$). Transportation is for the bus to get her to work.

After that, I let her decide how much to put in each of her Fun categories, which are currently Prom, Grad Night, Senior Ditch Day and Shopping. She is also putting some in her Gifts category.

I'm pretty thrilled that she's got the budgeting bug and hope she keeps this up! How I would love for her to do better than me at this from the start and throughout her adult life!

Oh! And Happy St Patrick's Day!

Financial Update: Credit Card Debt FREE!!

I've done it. I've paid off my credit card debt in full! My goal for 2015 was met WAY earlier than I'd expected, thanks to my tax refund!

So what now? First, I'm focusing on building my Rainy Day/Sunny Day funds. I want to build up my Theatre Tickets funds again, and save a separate $1k from my Emergency Funds/Savings for mini-emergencies/unexpected in a category I call "Mayhem." I've seen others refer to it as Gremlins.  Then, I want to build up a new appliances/appliance repair fund (separate from Mayhem and Emergencies). I am hoping these will keep me from touching the real Emergency Fund/Savings so I can accrue that (eventually) to the 3-months, then 6-months, then 8-months savings recommended by Suze. After Mayhem and Appliances, I will focus on getting out of student loan debt so I can really and truly be debt free.

This is going back to the method I learned in The Debt-Free Spending Plan. I'm still making the monthly payments on my student loans, of course, and that won't change. But the interest rate is low at 3.25% so I will keep paying the "minimum", if you will, and build myself a nice, fluffy safety cushion. I know at some point, just as with the credit card debt, I will start itching to be completely debt free - could be next month or in 2 years. For now, seeing category balances increase is what I truly value.

In other news, so far so good with Sylvia's job. She's a bit tired, as she is working 5 days a week while still in school and still dancing and working at the dance studio, but she's happy, and I'm proud. Riley and I are spending more time together in the kitchen, which we enjoy. Our family time with all 3 of us is getting more and more limited, so we just enjoy it when we can. (It's also nice that the girls are enjoying their time together more now that there's less of that, too!)

Oddly, it's not giddy excitement I feel that I'm consumer debt-free, but rather, content and relief. Unlike previous times, I'm pretty confident that I have slayed the credit card monster for good, so I thought I would be jumping for joy. Okay, maybe I am not as confident as I'd like to be, but that's exactly why I want to hoard as much as cash as possible for a while. I know how life goes.

Still, I feel like this time is different mostly because the girls are so on board with me. They've been totally supportive of every step I've taken to better our financial future. They offer to pay for their wants upfront, they agree that I need to make my own retirement a priority, and they stay within the budget. It might be too much to hope that they'll live a better financial life than me from the beginning, but at least now, I have more confidence that I can be of value to them if they turn to me for financial advice someday.

And hey, they'll also know that I have been there, done that, for almost any financial mistake they could make!

Working Girls (and Random Updates)

Sylvia got a job! Yes! Just at a fast food place, and she's only been doing it for a week, but so far so good!

Riley has also picked up some pocket money babysitting. Not a regular schedule kind of thing, but she likes doing it, and it's a really good fit for her because she loves caring for others.


We are getting to the point where they teach me nearly as often as I teach them. Riley has taken on cleaning out the caches (or whatever) of my iPad and iPhone. Sylvia tells me who the famous people are now on red carpets, because I sadly don't know who many of those people are anymore!

Of course, my favorite is when Sylvia now tells Riley the things I was telling her not that long ago. Like to take the clothes out of the dryer as soon as they're done and not waiting. Apparently, Sylvia now agrees that it's a wise decision. (How Riley feels about that is another story. But she, too, has a valid point now that we have our own washer and dryer :) and our dryer has a Wrinkles Prevent option which will keep the clothes tumbling after drying is complete.) On the other hand, sometimes it makes me want to tear my hair out that each generation still has to learn all the lessons the hard way.

I am trying to teach both of them how to effectively manage their now-earned dollars. Sylvia has her own YNAB budget, and she has certain savings goals in mind. Some are for fun things, like her prom dress, but others are more grounded, like community college and continuing her dance training. They have now memorized one of my favorite quotes from Afford Anything: "You can afford anything; you just can't afford everything." With that in mind, we are striving to ensure that our budgets prioritize what's most important to us.

On the YNAB Forum, one member hosted a Values Summit. You basically take all your budget line-items (or, in YNAB speak, categories) and rank your Top 1-10, then 11-20, and so forth. Some members spent a lot of time on each number, but I decided to just go with my gut and realized that some categories that scored high aren't even funded on a regular basis. That will change next month.

Speaking of dryers (even though it was like 3 paragraphs ago), I'm pretty happy with these dryer balls I bought. They're supposed to last up to 1500 loads, and they work just as well (if not better) than dryer sheets. They do make a bit of noise, but it's not annoying at all. Plus, it adds an amusement factor when one of the balls ends up in the pocket of your sweater! [And, of course, if you buy with the link provided, I get a very small monetary token of appreciation from Amazon.]

Another budget-friendly thing I'm loving is Budget Bytes. My absolute favorite is the Creamy Vegetarian Enchilada Pasta, which I seriously crave from time to time. The girls really like Joe's Special and 5 Spice Chicken. Really, most of the recipes have been great, but those are the ones we make most often.

Speaking of grocery budgets, I am now using the $5/day/person method, which seems to be working well for us. That includes non-food items picked up at the grocery store, but not our Amazon Prime Subscribe & Save items. And, to be hopelessly repetitive, it really helps to budget the month in advance so even if I do go over a few dollars one week, I can usually make it up the next. In fact, this month should end with a surplus!

So yeah, that's us these days. Working, planning, enjoying the little things in life. And it totally makes me smile!

How We Spent Feb 14

aka Valentine's Day. Aka, according to Sylvia, Singles Awareness Day. Regardless, we spent it planning our funerals.

Okay, so maybe a little background is necessary. Their dad's mother died recently. Thanks to their aunt, they were able to attend the services. Riley made up with X, and I'm glad because I knew her anger, though completely understandable and frankly a good form of self-protection, was weighing her down. They got to re-connect with X's family, and they got to say good-bye.

On Saturday, we got to talking about the service and she was relieved that there was no drama about it. I said it was probably because her wishes were known and carried out. So then we talked about what I would want, then what Sylvia and Riley would want. We wrote things down and the girls saw my will and we talked about possible changes after Sylvia's 18 birthday. We actually ended up laughing a lot.

Not to say that it's a laughing matter, but consider this my latest PSA on taking care of this business already! If you don't have a will yet, by all means, get one. If you have children, married or single, guardianship wishes have to be specified. If your children are now grown, it may be time to re-visit and update.

I'm also glad that the girls now know where the will and other important paperwork is. They're old enough now, and they're glad they know, too.

Of course, they also understood why I wasn't as willing a participant in discussing their own services. We all hope I won't be around for those!

So now that the love-fest or what have you is over, it's time to focus on what really matters: ensuring drama-free funerals for all!

National Singles Day 2015

This year, I'd like to celebrate my girls' embrace of being single, and recognition of what Bella DePaulo has defined as singlism. First, the celebration.

One of the reasons I most craved time alone was that when the girls were younger, it was difficult for them to appreciate time alone. If I was there, they wanted to be with me. Which, of course, is great, but after the age of 10, I thought it would wean down. For one of my girls, it did not.

She almost never wanted to be alone, and that was a problem for both of us (and her sister, who could appreciate - and crave - alone time). And more than my own wants, I was concerned because I know that being alone is a part of life sometimes.

I was a child who could spend hours alone in my room, making up stories, entertaining myself, so I couldn't really understand how she could not want to do that! But eventually, she did learn to enjoy her own company.

So now, when we do have downtime, it is really nice for us all to come together for meals, to hang out for a while, and then one of us (and these days, it could be any one of us) will say, "okay," and the girls will head upstairs to separate rooms and I'll stay downstairs and we'll be happily involved in our own solo activities.

I am grateful to know that each of them know how to be their own best company. They're still incredibly social, they probably have more friends now than they ever have, but they are not dependent upon anyone else to be content.

Now for singlism. We see it almost every time we watch a TV show or movie together. And we talk about it.

This is not a recent example, but typical. We were watching an old Roseanne episode where they were all worried about one character who stated that she wasn't going to go on any more dates. She was going to be content by herself and with her son. And it was like the end of the world! Oh NO, you can't DO that! My daughter started yelling at the TV, "OMG, what's the big deal?!?"

On a podcast, a "dark" thought was, "I'm afraid that I'll end up alone. That no one will love me." And that right there is the problem.

Your status can be "single" or "divorced" and you can be loved. I am loved. I am loved by my family, I am loved by my friends, and I love them, too.  Being alone and being unloved are not the same thing.

The girls now pick up on these without any prompting from me. The girls may be the ones to tell me about something they saw or heard that bothered them because of the implication. They are cognizant of singlism, and it gets them just as riled as me.

This is important to me, again, not just to justify my own decisions, but so that they understand that the choice is entirely up to them. That being single is preferable to being in a relationship that makes them feel crappy...or even just like a chore. Their ability to pick up on singlism, however benign, gives me comfort because I know they won't allow themselves to ever feel trapped.

I'm writing this a few days before, so I don't know how we'll end up spending this actual National Singles Day. But since it's a Sunday, I'm pretty sure we'll be able to enjoy it on our terms.

Happy National Singles Day!!