Finding My Happily Ever After

I'll go ahead and 'fess up. I'm no good at relationships. I screwed up any of the good ones, and stayed too long in the bad ones.

I would make that classic mistake of obsessing far too much over the relationship and not spend nearly enough attention on the other aspects of my life, even if they were more rewarding.

There's a moment that I always remember. I told a friend something that most people say at some point: if this doesn't work out, I'm never trying again.

Here's the thing, though. I remember that moment. There's a lot that I don't, but that moment comes back to me often. And I think it's because I regret not sticking to it. I think it was a moment of honesty that I'd been convinced to brush off.

Instead, I made that relationship my first failed marriage. And after that, my next failed marriage.

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results, but most people don't think that applies to relationships. For me, it should.

Because eventually, I found more happiness and a stronger sense of fulfillment when I stopped trying to make dating or relationships work for me.

As has been said before, I exhaled. I felt free. I felt at peace. I felt comfortable in my own skin. And I still do.

All journeys have their ups and downs and mine is no different. I won't pretend that I'm at peace every moment of every day. But I will say that, just as some might say their lives took a turn for the better when they walked down the aisle, mine got better when I embraced my single status as a permanent one.

Written in celebration of National Unmarried and Singles Week 2012. The fabulous Eleanor Wells is hosting a giveaway with prizes *almost* as fabulous as she is!

Finding Rome and Mexico at 24th Street

The 24th STreet Theatre invited me to their production of Roma al final de la via (Rome at the End of the Line).

I'd never been to this theatre, nor had I ever been to a play performed in Spanish with English supertitles. I'm very happy I decided to attend.

This two-person play is performed with exquisite perfection by Julieta Ortiz and Norma Angélica, making a special appearance here in Los Angeles from Mexico.

The play is about two females, starting at age 7, and then again at 13 (as pictured here), 20 and so forth until they are 80. At these intervals in their lives, they visit a train track in their small town with the hopes of boarding and making their way to Rome. 

While the play follows their journey of balancing their hopes and dreams with their reality, it is truly a story about friendship, and how their friendship helps them both cope and dream.

I brought my 14-year-old daughter, who thoroughly enjoyed the play, and found it a lot funnier than she expected. I went in with no expectations, and was thoroughly immersed in their journey.

Probably the most surprising was how much I enjoyed the transitions. What could've been abrupt halts in the flow were instead beautifully directed (by Alberto Lomnitz) mini-scenes that kept the audience both informed and captivated.

Another nice surprise was the sound design by Alejandro Lopez Velarde and Javier de la Peza. In a small theatre like this one, the high quality sound added depth and understanding of the characters and their world.

The 24th STreet Theatre is celebrating the premiere of their 15th season with Roma al final de la via, billed as not your typical TYA (Theatre for Young Audiences). Sylvia and I especially appreciated that their mission includes teaching children about loss and heartache in addition to love. Roma... is recommended for ages 12 and up, and that seems appropriate. Each play, as their executive director Jay McAdams explained in his curtain speech, will have its own age recommendations.

Roma al final de la via is running now through October 7; Saturdays at 2 and 7:30, and Sundays at 2 pm at The 24th Street Theatre, located on the corner of Hoover and 24th St, with a small parking lot across the street for $5.  Tickets range from $10-$15, with a special 24 cents price for North University Park residents. Like 24th STreet on Facebook and follow them on Twitter.

Disclosure: I was given two free tickets and free parking to attend. No other compensation was given, and the opinions expressed here are completely my own (plus Sylvia's).

*While this post was not written in connection with National Unmarried & Singles Week, I find it appropriate to post about this play at this time. While the characters talk about their romantic relationships, it is the celebration of friendship and its importance in their lives that is the most inspirational message of the play.

National Unmarried and Singles Week 2012

It's National Unmarried and Singles Week! Our annual quest to inform the nation that there are indeed alternatives to married and/or partnered life.

I decided to go back to last year's posts, the first of which ended up being a personal fave.

In it, I mentioned that I usually make sure to tell the girls, "if you have kids" or "if you get married." Just a few days ago, we were talking about something, where they both ended up saying, "if I have kids." It seems my message has been received.

I was having dinner with some friends, where one of them admitted that she really hopes her daughters get married and have kids and love their lives as much as she loved hers. I responded that anything that could make her daughters that happy would probably make her happy. That's her "happy," and that's great. She's got a great husband, two wonderful girls and she does indeed love her life. I think all she really wants is for her kids to love their lives, too.

And I think that's what it comes down to; understanding and appreciating that what is working for you isn't necessarily what works for other people.

Of course, it's always hard to see things out of our schemas;  I'll never understand how anyone can like mustard! But hey, it's a valid preference. 

We need National Unmarried and Singles Week to build awareness that remaining single is also a valid preference.

So this week, I'll be sharing more about how and why it works for me.

5 Years Later

It's my blogiversary!

5 years ago, I was restless. I felt as settled as one can in single parenting. I wasn't feeling challenged enough at work. I had received my BA, and didn't feel any different. I wanted more.

Now I'm on two boards, chairing one committee, on two more, and taking 2 classes. We have plans 4 out of 5 weeknights, and only Sundays are unscheduled.

With everything going on, it's harder to find time to write. It's harder to get myself in the frame of mind to step back and get perspective. But every time I do, it's so worth it!

It reminds me that I love my life, that the current challenges and obstacles of the day can be overcome, that I wouldn't have it any other way.

Whether you've read one post or 50 or 500, I'm so grateful that you're here, sharing this with me.

My Open Letter to LAUSD, especially Steve Zimmer*

*Slightly edited, here's the email I sent to all the LAUSD board members:

I'm a parent with a daughter attending a charter school, and I am writing to strongly, vehemently oppose Zimmer's resolution regarding charter schools.

Mr. Zimmer, I take this assault on my daughter's education quite personally and I am absolutely furious that you are trying to take away my opportunity to provide my daughter with the absolute best education that she can get.

I'm a single parent of two daughters. My daughters have attended public schools in both LAUSD and Burbank Unified, as well as two charter schools and an alternative high school.

My daughter's experience thus far at her charter school has been the absolute best by far. She finished 6th grade with straight As, something she never had accomplished in public schools. She is engaged in after-school activities, and she is absolutely thriving there.

On my income, I make too much to qualify for financial assistance scholarships, but not nearly enough to afford two college educations. My daughter has a much brighter future, thanks to her charter school.

Her teachers are amazing, the principal is fair, and the entire atmosphere is one that encourages learning on the deepest level possible. I feel supported as a parent; that I have a true partner in my daughter's education.

I understand that LAUSD, as well as other districts, as well as this entire state is in deep financial trouble. I see no reason to drain resources into this resolution. LAUSD has more than enough on its plate as it is.

Charter schools will fail if parents and students are disappointed in the results. I drive 3 hours a day to get my daughters to their schools of our choice. There's no rationale for me doing so unless they are working for my children.

I urge all of you to oppose this resolution. Mr. Zimmer, I strongly encourage you to pull it entirely and focus on the schools already in your control. I'm sure the parents and students there would appreciate having your undivided attention.

Thank you,
April McCaffery

The vote has postponed until next month. I hope I can post about a positive outcome then! 

And...go!

So the play closed, and two days later, I started school again.

By the end of this week, our family will have at least 21 classes between us. And a 90% chance of more.

On top of that, I'm planning four events over the next three months in my various roles on committees, boards, and social host. And I'm joining another board, where I'm sure there will be more events to plan.


In order to most effectively manage our family's time, I am skipping Back to School Night. I realize this might make some teachers write me off as "uninvolved," but they are only seeing one piece of a rather large and intricate puzzle.

I have to do what's best for my family, not what is perceived to be best.

What's best for my family is having dinner together, catching up, and having time at home to get the homework done, get ready for the next day, and maybe even just hang out together.

I am learning to break this bad habit of mine of worrying how others are judging me as a mother, and just following my own instincts.  Well, okay, maybe I'm still worrying about it, but I'm not letting it run our lives!

I am hopelessly in love with this picture of Riley:

And yes, I am aware of how scattered this post seems. Matches my brain at the moment!

One month later

It's been a month since our cat, Bobbie, died. I still miss her every day.

Thankfully, I'm not a blubbering mess like I was that first week, but her lack of presence is still felt.

Especially in the mornings.

Two mornings this week (so far), we were late. (The other morning, the girls spent at my parents' house so that doesn't count.)

I remember when I used to bitch about Bobbie waking me up too early or with a scratch sometimes. What I wouldn't give to have a scratch on my nose again! From her. (Still not ready to consider a new pet yet; for both practical and emotional reasons.)

When Riley comes back from my parents' house, she's covered in their cat's hair and it just makes my heart ache. I think she spends so much time with Max because she misses Bobbie terribly, too.

Neither of the girls really like to talk about it. What's to talk about? She was a cat, she loved us, we loved her, and she's dead now.

So why am I going on about it here?

I don't know. I just needed to commemorate the milestone of somehow making it through the past month without her.

I think, after 21 years, it will probably take at least 21 weeks - if not longer - to get used to this.