Flashback Friday - Rejection

As usual, you guys rock! Thanks for all your support on my ongoing KIPP struggle. The struggle continues, really nothing new to report, other than there are now 12 of 18 teachers who will not be coming back next year. I'm waiting for one of the Board members to get back in town and hopefully respond to some of my concerns. Reading your comments definitely helps me keep my determination to keep fighting. Thank you.

This post was actually mostly written last Friday, but I never got a chance to finish it and post. I'm so looking forward to Blog Hopping tonight and catching up with some of you!!



The girls and I have a new show (to pick up where "Step It Up and Dance" left off - congrats Cody; although we were rooting for Mochi): Legally Blonde: The Search for Elle. On the first episode, they went from 50 to 30 to 15 to 10. Of course, the closer the girls got, the more devastated they were to get cut. (There was one girl in particular that I really liked who got cut in that last round that I disagree with - but what do I know?) Riley asked me if I'd ever been sad not to get a part. I decided it was a perfect story for Flashback Friday.

When I was 8 years old, I auditioned for a national tour of Annie. I want to say it was the first national tour, but I could be wrong. The auditions were in Sacramento, it was an open call, and inSANE! But I couldn't have been more excited to be there.

This was when Annie was all the rage - or at least it was to me. I sang "Tomorrow" and "Maybe" every chance I got. I listened to the record (yes, vinyl) at least a gazillion times. I think if my sister hears either of those songs ever again, it'll still be too soon.

First round, I sing about 2 bars - on to the next round. This trend continued for many of the rounds. Some girls were singing longer than me, but I was still just whizzing on through.

I was called back for the next day. Again, same sort of thing. I just keep doing my thing and getting through to the next round.

Finally, the very last cut of the day, I was cut. As I came down from the stage, there were 8 girls left. There was the cast. And I wasn't in it.

To say that I was heartbroken, to say that I was devastated doesn't quite describe it. I vividly remember standing outside of that theatre, and just crying and crying while my dad held me. He was so great. He just let me cry. He didn't try to make me feel better - although he did point out that all the girls were shorter than me (which is ironic, considering I'm still short at 5'3" now!), but mostly he just let me cry and be devastated.

Whenever I watch these reality competitions now, and hear people say how they just want it sooo bad, and think that wanting it bad enough will translate into getting it, I just have to shake my head. Yes, you have to give it your all and do your best every single time. I played it over and over in my head for days, weeks, afterwards, and I really did do my absolute best. When it comes to jobs, roles, etc. (presidential campaigns), there's no "deserving" it, either. It is what it is. And accepting that was my first harsh lesson. In show business. (I still struggle with it IRL.)

But that first cut was the deepest. No matter how many other close calls I've had, no matter what other roles I didn't get, none of them compared to that first rejection.

A Bit of a Ramble...

So I went tonight to the KIPP meeting after all. I wasn't going to go. I was going to give myself the night off. I was going to spend the time with my Riley, while Sylvia's still away on her field trip. We were going to have a quiet evening at home.

Wouldn't you know, Riley said she wanted to go. My 7-year-old daughter wanted to spend her evening in a Board meeting. I've corrupted my child!

So we went. I did learn some things. But, unfortunately, not many of them were encouraging. I'm Chicken Little. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs that the sky is falling, and while they listen (and don't laugh), I don't feel like they hear me.

I just made one more effort, one more attempt. I wrote a 1,240-word email. And somehow that's not enough. Once that was done, all I wanted to do was blog. No wonder my 7-year-old is corrupted; I'm seriously disturbed.

I haven't eaten dinner these last 2 nights. I've been in meetings, and when I get home, my appetite has been thoroughly drained. I'm tired, but I can't sleep.

Tonight, I'm having some wine to go w/ my whine. I may have to qualify this as a BUI post.

So here's my main concern. Because screw it, I'm putting it out there.

I have no confidence in the woman who has been hired to replace our Principal. I don't feel like she gives a crap about our concerns. She's treated the teachers poorly. As of tonight, 2 of them still don't know if they have a job next year! As of tonight, 9 out of 18 teachers will not be returning next year. After tomorrow, that number could rise to 10. I personally know only 2 teachers that are returning next year, and only one of them will be my daughter's. I think.

I don't know what the changes will be in the curriculum. I've heard that some subjects will be combined, but when my daughter's in school for nearly 10 hours a day, I don't see the need. Nor do I know what she will be doing in the times she used to take certain classes.

Probably the most uncomfortable (and yet, oddly, the most fun) moment of our meeting last night was when I kicked the new Principal out of the room. It took fifteen grueling minutes to get her out, but eventually she caved. Because I wasn't going to. She hadn't been invited, and I had some things to say about her.

There is something desperately wrong when a teacher is found crying in the bathroom by one of the parents. There is something wrong when the Principal and at least 4 teachers turn in their resignation. Particularly when 3 of those people relocated to take their positions.

And tonight, I figured out the heart of it. Money. Money, money, money. They chose money over our personnel.

And as I wrote my 1,240-word email, I sobbed. Not just teared up a little. I wept. I wept as I wrote about the teachers and Principal my family will miss deeply. I wept as I finally learned what I was fighting against. I wept as I realized that this dream-come-true year is coming to an end. My anger has lost its enthusiasm.

That doesn't mean I'm going to stop fighting. I have one more plan up my sleeve. One more plan that I really, really don't want to use. Because I'm as scared of that possible outcome as I am about the inevitability of what's currently happening. I've already gone to the Board, and I anxiously await their decision. I have not told them my final plan, nor that I have one. I need to talk to a few more people before I let loose on that one. Right now, however, if nothing I've done so far changes anything, I don't see any choice. Well, I suppose I have one. To just accept it. But I can't. Not just yet.

I didn't want to not like, trust, or have faith in this woman. I would love to just be able to say that as much as I'll miss those that are leaving, I can open my heart to the new. But I just can't. She's not just young and inexperienced, she's immature. She visibly tenses when you don't agree with her. She loves to say one minute that she's in charge, and the next, take names. She buries herself in her note pad while she shakes her head. Her face gets red. She sighs audibly, impatiently when she has to answer the same question more than once. She ignores calls and emails from teachers trying to find out if they have a job. She doesn't respect that I'm there, saying what I'm saying, doing what I'm doing, because I want the best for my daughters. She takes personally what is a job to her, and a personal issue for me. She can't tell us what discipline policy she'll enact.

A teacher tonight said that she's so afraid that she's wasted this last year of her life. I fear losing this last year. I fear not feeling like a valued member of this Team & Family. I fear that Sylvia won't stay the exceptional student and person she's become this year. I fear that the disappointment and frustration will suck the confidence and love of learning right out of her. I fear that I will break my promise to Riley that she'll go to KIPP when she's in 5th grade. I fear that we'll miss the opportunity that the whole condo situation has given us to leave LAUSD and move to a better district. But I also think that the KIPP standard is worth giving another year.

This whole thing changes everything. I don't know what to do, where to go from here. I can see all my options, but none of them come with a guaranty.

Okay, I'm not sure how many words has been, but it's enough for now. For now, I want to step back into Denial for a good 7 hours. Now, sorry Kori, but I'm ready to escape from these questions into a mindless television show.

Terrible Tuesday - Greed

For more Seven Deadly Sins Carnival posts, go see Lunanik.

When I think about what I crave, what I'm greedy for the most, it's changed through the years, but there is an underlying greed for validation that has remained consistent throughout.

Greed is most often thought of in the more traditional definition of the insatiable desire for more money or possessions. But what causes that desire? What do people get from having more money or possessions? Is it just to say, "mine, mine, mine?" Underneath that "mine, mine" is some sense of feeling validated. The more obvious feeling would be entitlement, but again, I think that sense of entitlement comes from feeling validated that they deserved it to begin with.

I often associate greed with an insatiable desire for power. Again, what does that power mean? That they're validated somehow.

Inside all of us, that ego needs to be stroked. That sense of who we are is okay is what we all desire most.

Greed is the overindulgence of that. Greed is akin to most addictions; an unhealthy way to deal with our insecurities, and our quest for validation.

Now, that certainly doesn't make it okay. Greed turns my stomach, particularly greed for power to control others. At some point, people's issues are not acceptable excuses for their behavior. But it's something to think about.

*and that's as far as I can go with this. I know there's more, but I don't have the brain power right now to get there. So I open it up to you...*

Weekend Wrap-Up

Hi. Remember me? I don't think I really need to apologize for the lack of posts, since most of you were probably grateful for a lower number in your Reader, but if you have missed me, gee thanks!

And thanks to those of you who have taken the Blog for Education buttons, pimped it (jen of A2eatwrite - I can't thank you enough for all your kind words), shown your support and your willingness to participate. I know I keep saying this, but I am so excited!

So, onto the wrap-up...

Busy, busy, busy week. Started the new job, which is going well. I'm having that feeling of, OMG, what the heck am I doing?!? but I have so much support that I know I'll get through it. There's so much to learn, and I'm waking up every day excited and anxious to get to work. I'm still also doing most of my old job as well, so it's definitely crazy and hectic, but again, with the support of my department, we're getting through it.

And the whole KIPP thing is finally making some progress. I had yet another 3 1/2 hour meeting yesterday, and another one tomorrow, and I'm missing the one on Tuesday evening, but we have many more parents involved now, and we have the right ears listening to us now so there's definite progress. Will it change the outcome? I don't know. But I can't stop now. I was feeling discouraged earlier in the week, but then things really started to happen, and we got some words of encouragement from someone that I highly respect and that helped a lot. I've joked that it's like a third job - the hours I've logged; Thursday night, on the phone 'til 10:30 pm - but it's such an important cause...you know, my child's education (!), that it's worth every minute.

On top of that, I had Riley's Open House, tore apart a DVD player to get out a stuck Netflix DVD, celebrated a friend's birthday, took Sylvia shopping for her 3-day field trip to San Diego (for which we get up at 5 a.m. tomorrow), went to DreamDinners (where I ran into an old friend), acted like an idiot in front of Chad Lowe (no, I wasn't ogling him - I was too busy acting like a star-struck kid over seeing John Tartaglia from Avenue Q), did 5 loads of laundry today and cleaned the bathroom, but still have some major work to do on the living room. Oh yeah, and I know I haven't been the best of bloggy friends to most of you lately, and I hope to make up for that sometime. Don't quite know when because this week already looks to be as crazy as the last 2, but soon...

Now, I must be off to clip my cat's claws, which I've never done before, but that scratch from a few weeks ago? Turned into a permanent scar. My raise wasn't quite big enough to afford plastic surgery, so the claws have got to go. (Yeah, I say that now. I tried this a few nights ago, and chickened out.)

Oh, yeah. And the condo thing? Still hanging over my head. So if anyone has any property to sell in Los Angeles for real real cheap (but in livable condition), let me know!

(And please forgive all the run-on sentences and improper grammar usage. I'm saving those brain cells right now for work!)

Dona Nobis Pacem

With everything going on, I almost missed Blog Blast for Peace Day! But I didn't :)

I don't consider myself nearly well-versed enough to tackle such heavy subjects as the war in Iraq or Darfur or any of the world issues. I have to speak about what I know.

I do believe in the phrase "Think Globally, Act Locally." So what does that mean in terms of peace?

Honestly? I'm still figuring it out.

Here's what I do know: when I participate, when I get involved, when I take the time to do something for a cause that's bigger than me, bigger than my family, I feel great. I feel like my place in the world makes some sort of sense. I feel connected to the human beings around me that make it all worthwhile.

A couple of years ago, the girls and I joined an annual event. We volunteer for Jane Goodall's Roots and Shoots annual Day of Peace celebration. We get to go to one of the greatest treasures Los Angeles has to offer, Griffith Park, and watch doves made from love fly around us. We dance to music, we listen to speeches from brilliant people (including the amazing Jane Goodall), and we feel honored to be a part of it somehow. Sylvia even made her own speech there once:



It's an event that combines education and appreciation of our environment, our animals, and our humanity that together, can make possible Peace on Earth. Experiencing that, even just one day a year, is something we treasure and take with us in some aspect for the rest of that year until the next.

But there are even simpler ways to be involved, to make our own contributions.

The most obvious is for those of us who are parents to think about what we are teaching our children, and remembering that they learn the most from the examples we set.

But even more than that, there's simply each one of us. Taking the time to listen. Taking the time to care about another human being's troubles. Taking the time to offer a shoulder, and even more when you can.

And taking the time to take care of ourselves. We cannot run on empty forever. We cannot be at peace with ourselves if we continue to beat ourselves up for mistakes made long ago. We do the best we can to rectify them, live with them, and learn from them. We cannot be at peace with ourselves if deny our anger, our sense of loss, our desires. We have to find ways to deal with those feelings and let them pass through us in the least harmful ways. We cannot be at peace with ourselves if we shut ourselves off from those who care. We have to let them in, give them opportunities to earn our trust, and lean on them when we need it. We have to respect ourselves as we should respect others.

It can't get any more "local" than starting with just us. And anyone of us, and anyone of our children, could be as internationally important as Jane Goodall herself.



For more Blog Blast for Peace posts, check out Mimi Writes...

Terrible Tuesday - Envy

But first things first...did you see the cool Blog for Education button on the left over there? Ain't it grand? Don't you want it for yourself? Take it, take it!! And that's not the only one the awesome CableGirl made. There are two for you to choose from:

And thank you, Lunanik, for pimpin' it!

Hey, speaking of Lunanik, let's get to Terrible Tuesday, shall we?



Envy and I have hung out for a very, very long time. I've wanted people's fame, I've wanted people's looks, I've wanted people's talent, and yes, every now and again, I've wanted people's money.

Now, just to be clear, envy and malice are just plain old ugly together. And, yep, I've been there, too. However, yet again, I choose to look at the bright side of envy.

I have used envy to make positive changes to my life. When I can look at what someone else has or does, and think - still stuck in A Chorus Line here - "I Can Do That," envy can be a great motivator.

I used envy to get myself back into college. I used envy to take on bigger projects at work. Envy got me my promotion. And no one got hurt in the process.

Have I shared this favorite quote here yet: "Depression is anger without enthusiasm." (Anon.) The right kind of anger with the right kind of enthusiasm can be one of the most effective motivators. Envy can be the emotion behind the anger to lead to that enthusiasm that inspires someone to find a better path.

Envy at people's clothing has inspired me to re-think what I already have in my closet, and how I might put certain things together differently to feel like a new look. Envy at people's looks inspire me to make changes to my daily routine to try and look and feel better about myself.

Interestingly enough, envy at people's money has only made me more grateful for what I have. Because I've read Rich Dad, Poor Dad, and other books like it to see how they got what they got. And I see how much time and effort it takes, and what you sacrifice in order to get it. And then I decide, "yeah. Not for me, thanks. I like my life just fine."

Envy at people's marriages helped me find my way out of mine - one that didn't resemble that at all. And it has helped me from making like mistakes!

Envy at people's youth? That one's a little tougher. But while I may never be 25 again, I have these 2 amazing girls that have gone through stages I remember, and will always continue to do so. I get to remember, admire, and be a part of their own discoveries for as long as we all walk the face of this Earth. That's pretty cool!

Envy at people's maturity? Something to dream to achieve...

Envy is all in how you handle it. Like all emotions, it's not something to try and deny, but something to work through.

Wow, look at me being all positive!

Weekend Wrap-Up

Where to begin? How much to say? These are the questions that are making this week's wrap-up so hard to do.

Yesterday's KIPP meeting wasn't nearly as settling as I'd hoped, and afterwards, I found out there's still many more questions to be answered which makes it hard to know how much to say here.

But one thing's final. Our Principal is leaving. I was fighting for a while to try and keep him, but he told me a few days ago that he's done. I understand why, and I have to respect that. While I've accepted it, I still haven't let it sink in.

At KIPP, a Principal is given more autonomy than at your average, public school. This year, our Principal ran the school in exactly the way that I've always wanted. He was accessible, he was honest, he truly led and inspired. He took his responsibilities as a partner in our children's education quite seriously, and no job or task was too big or too small for him to handle in one way or another. He even knew how to say, "I don't know" - followed with, "but I'll find out." And he would. He understood our concerns, he saw us parents as whole people. He didn't put us in boxes because we asked too many questions or worked - or didn't. He made it easy for me to be an involved parent at KIPP. And he also completely understood when I couldn't be there. He never thanked us for "taking the time" (which has always implied, to me, willingness). He thanked those "that were able to make it."

And he hired teachers that exemplified the best qualities I want in a teacher. Teachers that understood that a little confidence in a subject can go a long way, that appreciated the concept of encouraging a life-long love of learning. Some of them are leaving, too.

There's more to the story. There's more planning going on. Unfortunately, all this "doing for the kids" has actually taken away many hours from the kids. I'm missing a meeting today to try and rectify that.

Also, saw A Chorus Line, and really enjoyed it (of course). It was great to be with Nancy the night I found out about my promotion. She allowed me to talk non-stop about it until the show began.

Last night, we had a family birthday party to attend, which was fun. Afterwards, my parents took the girls home with them, and I went with some of the family to see Anjelah Johnson perform. Have you seen her YouTube "Nail Salon" video? Completely politically incorrect, but funny. We had fun, laughed a lot...and drank a lot.

CableGirl is working on the buttons for BlogBlast for Education, and they look great! Also, big thanks to BusyDad for pimping it. I'm thrilled that so many of you are planning to participate! I can't wait to read what you have to say.

It's been quite a week, but I think it's just a warm-up for what's in store for next...