It was interesting to read Lunanik's post regarding her ex and his addiction. I'd be shocked if anyone reading this wasn't aware of my own ex's drug addiction.
The comments were also interesting - particularly the referral to exes like myself who haven't managed to overcome the bitterness. It brings about the question of how much of my own recent struggles of dealing with more fall-out of his problems is self-induced.
Now part of why Lunanik can be so healthy about this is because her ex is firmly rooted in her past. Being the father of my children makes it more difficult for my own ex to only belong in the past. Seeing other women's experiences, it doesn't seem to me to be possible to entirely ever be unemotionally involved when dealing with the children that they left behind.
If the father walked away without a backward glance, there are the abandonment issues. If the father is an active participant in the child's rearing, then of course they are always there in the present as well. If the father is like my own daughters', that fades away for a while and then makes a re-appearance of some sort...like crabs...well, I'm still working on that.
If the father is an emotionally unstable, drug-addled person, it becomes all the more difficult. I've struggled for 5 years now, trying to find the right balance of allowing the girls some interaction with their father, and protecting them from any possible outcome that enters my (or my family's) imagination.
I've also done the inevitable self-blaming and self-questioning and self-victimization.
Truth be told, it isn't all his fault or my fault. Sometimes, the biggest fault is in even trying to find a direct source. Sometimes, it just is. Sometimes, things just happen.
I've also watched his family struggle with finding the right balance between loving him and protecting themselves. I can no longer feel any anger towards any of the decisions they made along the way - people do the best they can.
I guess what I struggle with the most is, have I done the best I can? And is my best good enough?
In the past week, I've come to the realization that I cannot completely fill the hole left by their father's absence. I cannot be both father and mother to them. And I'm going to make my own mistakes with them. I can only hope that just being their (imperfect) mother can be enough.
I'm not over all my anger and bitterness and sense of betrayal. Still. 5 years later. Does it make me a bad person? A weak person? I'm kind of in a place where my answer to that is, whatever. I don't care. I at least have to face it. I at least have to be honest with myself about it. I think any attempt to deny it would be detrimental - has been detrimental - to maybe getting to that place where I can say, "I'm over it."
Which I'm not fully convinced will ever happen. But pretending to be "over it" hasn't exactly helped, either.
My name is April, and I'm not completely balanced. But I'm working on it.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
Is this year over yet?!?
I'm not real sure if I'm stuck in 2007, or that late 2007 was just a warm-up to the kind of screwed up year that 2008 has turned into so far, but I'm seriously missing two weeks ago!
Two weeks ago, my worst problems were the lack of satellite tv and roofers banging over my head...good times.
Having no entertainment and a pounding headache was a breeze compared to having no heat for 3 days. I may live in SoCal, but it's actually been kind of cold, and I'm a California girl that gets cold when it's below 75! Then, it turned out there was a calm before the emotional storm that Sylvia had over her dad, and while every mother can relate to wanting our children to never be in pain, there's something particularly heart-breaking when the pain is caused by the other "parent" (using that term real loosely).
I know most of the time I try real hard to be that strong, I can do this by myself kind of single parent that is able to provide the emotional support my children need. But right now, I'm just not feeling it. I'm emotionally drained, I've been fighting a cold all week, and I've been literally cold all week. Some days, I just don't have the friggin' energy for this!
So I've been attempting to get through it by trying to find pleasure in the little things. The other day, I had some time to kill between dropping the girls off at school and going back to Sylvia's school for a meeting with the school counselor. I thought, I want to be one of those people you always see at Starbucks who seem to have nothing better to do than to sit around, drinking coffee! Wouldn't you know it...an accident blocked off the entrance to the parking lot and I couldn't get in!
Then, I go to this meeting with the counselor which was just extremely tough emotionally - reliving the entire history of Sylvia and her dad, answering some tough questions about how I've dealt with the situation, listening to Sylvia's problems with me and my parenting...then I get a flat tire. Later that night, I'm trying to veg in front of "Project Runway" and my DVR stopped recording 2 minutes before the end of the show.
That day seemed to be the worst of it, but the days preceding and following haven't been much better.
I realize it's only the first full week of January and all, but if this is how the year's going to go, then I'd like a time machine, please, to transport me to 2009.
Two weeks ago, my worst problems were the lack of satellite tv and roofers banging over my head...good times.
Having no entertainment and a pounding headache was a breeze compared to having no heat for 3 days. I may live in SoCal, but it's actually been kind of cold, and I'm a California girl that gets cold when it's below 75! Then, it turned out there was a calm before the emotional storm that Sylvia had over her dad, and while every mother can relate to wanting our children to never be in pain, there's something particularly heart-breaking when the pain is caused by the other "parent" (using that term real loosely).
I know most of the time I try real hard to be that strong, I can do this by myself kind of single parent that is able to provide the emotional support my children need. But right now, I'm just not feeling it. I'm emotionally drained, I've been fighting a cold all week, and I've been literally cold all week. Some days, I just don't have the friggin' energy for this!
So I've been attempting to get through it by trying to find pleasure in the little things. The other day, I had some time to kill between dropping the girls off at school and going back to Sylvia's school for a meeting with the school counselor. I thought, I want to be one of those people you always see at Starbucks who seem to have nothing better to do than to sit around, drinking coffee! Wouldn't you know it...an accident blocked off the entrance to the parking lot and I couldn't get in!
Then, I go to this meeting with the counselor which was just extremely tough emotionally - reliving the entire history of Sylvia and her dad, answering some tough questions about how I've dealt with the situation, listening to Sylvia's problems with me and my parenting...then I get a flat tire. Later that night, I'm trying to veg in front of "Project Runway" and my DVR stopped recording 2 minutes before the end of the show.
That day seemed to be the worst of it, but the days preceding and following haven't been much better.
I realize it's only the first full week of January and all, but if this is how the year's going to go, then I'd like a time machine, please, to transport me to 2009.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Kind of a meme
Lattemommy posted this link in determining "what kind of coffee are you?" My results:
Okay, trying to imagine me at my "energetic" best is a stretch these days, since I can't remember the last time I wasn't tired! It is true, though, that I drink coffee most hours that I'm awake. I do switch to decaf after 6 pm, though.
I'm trying to wean myself from 10 cups a day to about 6, though, and stop after one cup of decaf after dinner (to stave off "food coma").
Are "anxious and high strung" synonyms for bitchy? Just curious.
| You Are an Espresso |
 At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high |
Okay, trying to imagine me at my "energetic" best is a stretch these days, since I can't remember the last time I wasn't tired! It is true, though, that I drink coffee most hours that I'm awake. I do switch to decaf after 6 pm, though.
I'm trying to wean myself from 10 cups a day to about 6, though, and stop after one cup of decaf after dinner (to stave off "food coma").
Are "anxious and high strung" synonyms for bitchy? Just curious.
Friday, January 4, 2008
The Bashing of Single Parents Has Begun - ahh, the election season!
I've been relatively non-political lately, but I'm starting to get riled up. Oddly enough, it wasn't the results of Iowa's caucus that started my blood bubbling (not boiling yet - just bubbling). It was a pundit.
David Brooks of the NY Times wrote the following in his article, The Two Earthquakes:
Huckabee understands how middle-class anxiety is really lived. Democrats talk about wages. But real middle-class families have more to fear economically from divorce than from a free trade pact. A person’s lifetime prospects will be threatened more by single parenting than by outsourcing. Huckabee understands that economic well-being is fused with social and moral well-being, and he talks about the inter-relationship in a way no other candidate has.
I can't begin to describe how highly and personally offended I am by this statement...but I'll try!
Here is the letter I wrote to David Brooks in response:
As a single mother, I have to disagree with you that single parenting is a greater threat to our economy (and my own personal financial well-being) than outsourcing. I was definitely worse off financially being married to a drug addict than I am now as a single mom.
With my ex no longer around, I no longer have to worry about where to hide cash. With my ex no longer around, I can actually have a checking account (and savings). With my ex no longer around, I don't have to worry about crack pipes, burnt spoons, and other objects that do not belong around children. With my ex no longer around, I can pay my utility bills and rent and car registration. These were all things that were impossible when I was a wife. I do them without any regular child support, either. And, no, I do not get any assistance or subsidies from the government. However, if my job were outsourced, my ability to support my children on my own would disappear.
I get enough bashing from the candidates, thank you very much. It would be so nice if someone actually acknowledged that what single parents do, while not easy, is often the very best they can under the circumstances.
David Brooks of the NY Times wrote the following in his article, The Two Earthquakes:
Huckabee understands how middle-class anxiety is really lived. Democrats talk about wages. But real middle-class families have more to fear economically from divorce than from a free trade pact. A person’s lifetime prospects will be threatened more by single parenting than by outsourcing. Huckabee understands that economic well-being is fused with social and moral well-being, and he talks about the inter-relationship in a way no other candidate has.
I can't begin to describe how highly and personally offended I am by this statement...but I'll try!
Here is the letter I wrote to David Brooks in response:
As a single mother, I have to disagree with you that single parenting is a greater threat to our economy (and my own personal financial well-being) than outsourcing. I was definitely worse off financially being married to a drug addict than I am now as a single mom.
With my ex no longer around, I no longer have to worry about where to hide cash. With my ex no longer around, I can actually have a checking account (and savings). With my ex no longer around, I don't have to worry about crack pipes, burnt spoons, and other objects that do not belong around children. With my ex no longer around, I can pay my utility bills and rent and car registration. These were all things that were impossible when I was a wife. I do them without any regular child support, either. And, no, I do not get any assistance or subsidies from the government. However, if my job were outsourced, my ability to support my children on my own would disappear.
I get enough bashing from the candidates, thank you very much. It would be so nice if someone actually acknowledged that what single parents do, while not easy, is often the very best they can under the circumstances.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Spare the Rod?
Lunanik tagged me to answer the following question:
Do I spare the rod in disciplining my children?
Yes, I do.
Here's the thing about being Mexican and Irish - it can create quite a temper. The only times I've been tempted to spank have been the times when I'm seeing red. In that state, it's best to walk away.
In the interest of full disclosure, there was one time where I spanked Sylvia's behind when she was about 18 months and I deeply regretted it. No, there was no permanent damage, but the sound of that slap coupled with the red on her naked behind...it scared me straight, I guess.
These days, the biggest issues have to do with sibling rivalry - or sibling abuse!! It doesn't seem to me that we'd do any better if I enacted a punishment that involved hitting when what I'm usually trying to stop is hitting. I know it's not the same thing, per se, but it still doesn't sit right with me.
But my position on time-outs isn't quite the SuperNanny method. My belief is that when tempers are flaring, it's best for everyone to take a breather. The girls need some time away from each other now and again, so I'm trying to teach them both to somehow disengage themselves from the situation. If we're at home, I tell one of them to go to their room and calm down. If we're in the car, I order them not to look at one another for a little while. It generally does not happen outside of those two arenas, but if it happens in public, they get "the look." And some harsh words about how angry I am, and a warning that if they don't cut it out, they will [insert consequence here]. Usually, the warning is enough to make it stop.
If it's not about the two of them fighting, then I order the unruly one to their room, and I generally find a place to go cool down as well. Taking that breather allows me to sort out what's going on...why is she acting this way? Why am I so upset?
Usually, I can find some underlying reason for the out-of-control behavior and go in and talk to the girl about whatever it is that I think is the root of the problem. Once that's sorted out, I remind her that it's not acceptable to act in this way, and next time to please find another way to deal with the anger. I follow that up with a few suggestions - draw a picture, go to your room, jump up and down, hit the beanbag...
Does it stop bad behavior completely? No. I'm not under any delusions that it will. But, hopefully, each time that it's said and done, the lesson gets engraved a little more. And I've been given enough encouragement from the girls to believe this is true.
For example, yesterday, there was a moment when Riley was deliberately taunting Sylvia. Sylvia went to their room and closed the door. She knew she needed some time without her sister. Given that they've been off school and together for every moment of the past 2 1/2 weeks, that's perfectly understandable. Riley was still in the mood for a fight, so I had to discipline her a bit more. She ended up getting the consequence of not being able to go to the playground yesterday because of her behavior.
So I do think there is room for more disciplinary measures than spanking, or even the standard time-outs as most people look at them. I do agree with Lunanik, however, that parents who are "caught" spanking their children in public should not be investigated by Social Services. Just because it's not right for our family doesn't mean that I have any room to judge others who don't spare the rod (within reason, of course). While in theory, the idea of every call being investigated is nice and all, the reality is it can lead to the system overreacting to different things, and innocent parents (and, worse, children) being caught in a horrible nightmare. There should be some reasonableness to the standards of what they investigate.
I've often joked with my friends that are parents, "where are the laws protecting us from parental abuse?" At one time or another, we've all been kicked, hit, had our hair pulled, etc...sometimes, without malice, of course, but it can still hurt!
I'm supposed to do the whole tagging thing, but I'm so not into that! Feel free to write about it, of course, and please let me know so that I can read your take on the subject.
Do I spare the rod in disciplining my children?
Yes, I do.
Here's the thing about being Mexican and Irish - it can create quite a temper. The only times I've been tempted to spank have been the times when I'm seeing red. In that state, it's best to walk away.
In the interest of full disclosure, there was one time where I spanked Sylvia's behind when she was about 18 months and I deeply regretted it. No, there was no permanent damage, but the sound of that slap coupled with the red on her naked behind...it scared me straight, I guess.
These days, the biggest issues have to do with sibling rivalry - or sibling abuse!! It doesn't seem to me that we'd do any better if I enacted a punishment that involved hitting when what I'm usually trying to stop is hitting. I know it's not the same thing, per se, but it still doesn't sit right with me.
But my position on time-outs isn't quite the SuperNanny method. My belief is that when tempers are flaring, it's best for everyone to take a breather. The girls need some time away from each other now and again, so I'm trying to teach them both to somehow disengage themselves from the situation. If we're at home, I tell one of them to go to their room and calm down. If we're in the car, I order them not to look at one another for a little while. It generally does not happen outside of those two arenas, but if it happens in public, they get "the look." And some harsh words about how angry I am, and a warning that if they don't cut it out, they will [insert consequence here]. Usually, the warning is enough to make it stop.
If it's not about the two of them fighting, then I order the unruly one to their room, and I generally find a place to go cool down as well. Taking that breather allows me to sort out what's going on...why is she acting this way? Why am I so upset?
Usually, I can find some underlying reason for the out-of-control behavior and go in and talk to the girl about whatever it is that I think is the root of the problem. Once that's sorted out, I remind her that it's not acceptable to act in this way, and next time to please find another way to deal with the anger. I follow that up with a few suggestions - draw a picture, go to your room, jump up and down, hit the beanbag...
Does it stop bad behavior completely? No. I'm not under any delusions that it will. But, hopefully, each time that it's said and done, the lesson gets engraved a little more. And I've been given enough encouragement from the girls to believe this is true.
For example, yesterday, there was a moment when Riley was deliberately taunting Sylvia. Sylvia went to their room and closed the door. She knew she needed some time without her sister. Given that they've been off school and together for every moment of the past 2 1/2 weeks, that's perfectly understandable. Riley was still in the mood for a fight, so I had to discipline her a bit more. She ended up getting the consequence of not being able to go to the playground yesterday because of her behavior.
So I do think there is room for more disciplinary measures than spanking, or even the standard time-outs as most people look at them. I do agree with Lunanik, however, that parents who are "caught" spanking their children in public should not be investigated by Social Services. Just because it's not right for our family doesn't mean that I have any room to judge others who don't spare the rod (within reason, of course). While in theory, the idea of every call being investigated is nice and all, the reality is it can lead to the system overreacting to different things, and innocent parents (and, worse, children) being caught in a horrible nightmare. There should be some reasonableness to the standards of what they investigate.
I've often joked with my friends that are parents, "where are the laws protecting us from parental abuse?" At one time or another, we've all been kicked, hit, had our hair pulled, etc...sometimes, without malice, of course, but it can still hurt!
I'm supposed to do the whole tagging thing, but I'm so not into that! Feel free to write about it, of course, and please let me know so that I can read your take on the subject.
Monday, December 31, 2007
The Last Post of 2007
I know, momentous, right?
Well, I'm finally starting to feel like me again...I think that's a good thing!
Okay, so 2007 wasn't marked by any great accomplishments for me. But it could've been much, much worse.
I'm not big on resolutions, but I do think of this time of year as a time of reflection, which can lead to goals.
I started this year thinking I wanted to be a paralegal, but a few classes showed me that if I'm going to pursue a better career in law, it would have to be as a lawyer. Which is not an option right now.
Come to think of it, I did keep a goal. Once I decided not to complete my paralegal classes, I told myself to wait at least a year (which would end in the summer of '08) before pursuing any new path or direction. So I guess I'm halfway there!
2007 was really about Sylvia. I started the year freaking out about her middle school education. She's now in my dream middle school, KIPP LA Prep. They've been excellent to her, and most distinctly different by making me feel like I finally have true partners in her education. And they've become friends as well.
Sylvia closed the year learning some difficult truths about her father, but couldn't have handled it better. By me not being in school anymore, I'm able to be there with her every school night, and she has told me how much it means to her that I'm there. I'd say 2007 was a major bonding year for the two of us, and gives me hope for the coming years with her.
2007 was also the year that I made "online-only" friends, and they've been great. Kori, Nikki, Christy, Kate, the ladies on the AP group, and all my other CafeMoms and Zoom ladies...they've all shown me new ways of looking at things, and let me into their worlds, and been there for me in ways that have been much appreciated. And the internet has kept me close to those friends in real life that are far away. Pretty cool.
Then there are the people at work that have been there for me for years now. It's a pretty awesome group of people that I get to see every day.
2007 was also the year I got to move back home. There should be more demons here, but there aren't. I guess all the good vibes were too strong for the bad ones. And I'm so silly, I still get excited about getting to park my car in a garage, run the dishwasher, do the laundry inside without quarters...
So it's already 2008 in part of the country...as my fave MD said, I am SO last year right now! And, truthfully, I thought I'd be sadder right now. I thought that I'd be thinking more about what I lack than what I have. But I guess I've thought about that enough lately. Right now, I'm fully appreciating all that I have. Not as much as some, but definitely more than others. And I'm proud right now. I still have a few more obstacles to go, a few more challenges to meet...and I guess I always will. Still and all, for now, it's good.
Happy New Year!!
Well, I'm finally starting to feel like me again...I think that's a good thing!
Okay, so 2007 wasn't marked by any great accomplishments for me. But it could've been much, much worse.
I'm not big on resolutions, but I do think of this time of year as a time of reflection, which can lead to goals.
I started this year thinking I wanted to be a paralegal, but a few classes showed me that if I'm going to pursue a better career in law, it would have to be as a lawyer. Which is not an option right now.
Come to think of it, I did keep a goal. Once I decided not to complete my paralegal classes, I told myself to wait at least a year (which would end in the summer of '08) before pursuing any new path or direction. So I guess I'm halfway there!
2007 was really about Sylvia. I started the year freaking out about her middle school education. She's now in my dream middle school, KIPP LA Prep. They've been excellent to her, and most distinctly different by making me feel like I finally have true partners in her education. And they've become friends as well.
Sylvia closed the year learning some difficult truths about her father, but couldn't have handled it better. By me not being in school anymore, I'm able to be there with her every school night, and she has told me how much it means to her that I'm there. I'd say 2007 was a major bonding year for the two of us, and gives me hope for the coming years with her.
2007 was also the year that I made "online-only" friends, and they've been great. Kori, Nikki, Christy, Kate, the ladies on the AP group, and all my other CafeMoms and Zoom ladies...they've all shown me new ways of looking at things, and let me into their worlds, and been there for me in ways that have been much appreciated. And the internet has kept me close to those friends in real life that are far away. Pretty cool.
Then there are the people at work that have been there for me for years now. It's a pretty awesome group of people that I get to see every day.
2007 was also the year I got to move back home. There should be more demons here, but there aren't. I guess all the good vibes were too strong for the bad ones. And I'm so silly, I still get excited about getting to park my car in a garage, run the dishwasher, do the laundry inside without quarters...
So it's already 2008 in part of the country...as my fave MD said, I am SO last year right now! And, truthfully, I thought I'd be sadder right now. I thought that I'd be thinking more about what I lack than what I have. But I guess I've thought about that enough lately. Right now, I'm fully appreciating all that I have. Not as much as some, but definitely more than others. And I'm proud right now. I still have a few more obstacles to go, a few more challenges to meet...and I guess I always will. Still and all, for now, it's good.
Happy New Year!!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Exes and Roofers and Life - oh my!
So I haven't blogged lately. I've been in a funk. A lot of stuff went down over the holidays, and I'm only going to get so personal here. Actually, I don't have any problem being personal about me - but about others.
But I have absolutely no qualms about bitching about my ex here! He was the cause of some of the pain and anxiety. As were DirecTV and roofers. But I'll get to that in due time.
I've been on the brink of a breakdown for a few weeks now. A few times, admittedly, I went over that brink. I was trying really hard to hang on until December 26.
The day after Xmas was supposed to be the start of a Mommy vacation. My ex was going to fly down here and take the girls up to Northern California to spend a week with him and his extended family.
Instead, he disappeared for a while and ended up where I suspected he would: in jail. We decided to cancel the trip during the disappearance, unsure of where and how he'd show up, and very sure that he was doing drugs pretty heavily.
I came clean to the girls about his drug use, and the canceled trip all in one fell swoop. They actually took it really well. I think I've cried more about it than they have!
I had big plans for my week off. Well, actually, I had no plans, and that's exactly what I wanted. I took the time off work, too. I wanted to experience a week of freedom from responsibilities. I wanted to watch Oprah and maybe even a soap opera or two. I wanted more than an hour or so of adult TV time.
I suppose not many people get that kind of opportunity for a break as it is. Married folks don't tend to leave their children with others for a week at a time. Then again, married folk can sometimes go to the grocery store while their spouse stays home with the kids.
It was hard. It was hard to lose that. Particularly as I was still majorly stressing about $$ for Xmas presents (spell check says majorly is not a word - I'm going with it anyway).
The holidays, to me, represent a time of reflection. While there have been many good things that happened this year, every single one of them has come with a hefty price tag (sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally).
Sometimes the unfairness gets to me. Particularly when there's someone like my ex in my world who seems to never have to worry about paying the rent, the utilities, the food, and no one expects much of him.
At the same time, I know that I'm luckier than a lot of people. I have a job that provides for us, understanding bosses that don't give me a hard time about coming to work late to see my daughter's holiday show, supportive family and friends. So while part of me is feeling sorry for myself, the other part of me is mad at me for feeling sorry for myself. Trying to balance those two parts can feel like drowning at times.
That saying that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger...I'm just not feeling it these days. I feel more like I'm just treading water.
So it stands to reason that I felt a break would be in order.
Well, we don't always get what we want.
So plans were rearranged. I've been home with the girls since I got off work on Xmas Eve, with the exception of the day they spent at Disneyland with their aunt and uncle and cousins.
To add insult to injury, my DirecTV box died a week ago. I lost all the movies and shows we had recorded. So much for Oprah.
The new box was supposed to arrive Thursday. Okay, we can survive a couple of days without TV.
The day after Xmas, the roofers came. The roofers that were supposed to come weeks ago. The roofers, who ripped out the satellite antenna so that even though the box did arrive on Thursday, it does me no good while the roofers were still here. And then I get to pay DirecTV $50 to re-install it.
And then there's the pounding. The pounding, the hammering, the constant noise from above for 3 days. I've had a perpetual headache for all 3 of them.
I kissed the girls good-bye as they left with my sister today, who took pity on me and offered to take them for a few days. I know they'll be loved, and I know they'll have fun, as they always do at her house.
So now I get to cram what had been planned as a 7-day break into 2 1/2. And wait for the DirecTV installer that is thankfully coming tomorrow.
It could be so much worse, I know. I have healthy, wonderful girls that are dealing with their father's shortcomings with more strength and less trauma than I ever did. They've made me laugh and given me so much love. They are both better people than I am.
But I won't deny that it has been hard.
Maybe this time, next year, I'll be able to see some wonderful thing that came out of this time. I'm not convinced of that, though. Right now, the lesson I have is to keep expectations low. Low expectations help lessen disappointment.
But I have absolutely no qualms about bitching about my ex here! He was the cause of some of the pain and anxiety. As were DirecTV and roofers. But I'll get to that in due time.
I've been on the brink of a breakdown for a few weeks now. A few times, admittedly, I went over that brink. I was trying really hard to hang on until December 26.
The day after Xmas was supposed to be the start of a Mommy vacation. My ex was going to fly down here and take the girls up to Northern California to spend a week with him and his extended family.
Instead, he disappeared for a while and ended up where I suspected he would: in jail. We decided to cancel the trip during the disappearance, unsure of where and how he'd show up, and very sure that he was doing drugs pretty heavily.
I came clean to the girls about his drug use, and the canceled trip all in one fell swoop. They actually took it really well. I think I've cried more about it than they have!
I had big plans for my week off. Well, actually, I had no plans, and that's exactly what I wanted. I took the time off work, too. I wanted to experience a week of freedom from responsibilities. I wanted to watch Oprah and maybe even a soap opera or two. I wanted more than an hour or so of adult TV time.
I suppose not many people get that kind of opportunity for a break as it is. Married folks don't tend to leave their children with others for a week at a time. Then again, married folk can sometimes go to the grocery store while their spouse stays home with the kids.
It was hard. It was hard to lose that. Particularly as I was still majorly stressing about $$ for Xmas presents (spell check says majorly is not a word - I'm going with it anyway).
The holidays, to me, represent a time of reflection. While there have been many good things that happened this year, every single one of them has come with a hefty price tag (sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally).
Sometimes the unfairness gets to me. Particularly when there's someone like my ex in my world who seems to never have to worry about paying the rent, the utilities, the food, and no one expects much of him.
At the same time, I know that I'm luckier than a lot of people. I have a job that provides for us, understanding bosses that don't give me a hard time about coming to work late to see my daughter's holiday show, supportive family and friends. So while part of me is feeling sorry for myself, the other part of me is mad at me for feeling sorry for myself. Trying to balance those two parts can feel like drowning at times.
That saying that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger...I'm just not feeling it these days. I feel more like I'm just treading water.
So it stands to reason that I felt a break would be in order.
Well, we don't always get what we want.
So plans were rearranged. I've been home with the girls since I got off work on Xmas Eve, with the exception of the day they spent at Disneyland with their aunt and uncle and cousins.
To add insult to injury, my DirecTV box died a week ago. I lost all the movies and shows we had recorded. So much for Oprah.
The new box was supposed to arrive Thursday. Okay, we can survive a couple of days without TV.
The day after Xmas, the roofers came. The roofers that were supposed to come weeks ago. The roofers, who ripped out the satellite antenna so that even though the box did arrive on Thursday, it does me no good while the roofers were still here. And then I get to pay DirecTV $50 to re-install it.
And then there's the pounding. The pounding, the hammering, the constant noise from above for 3 days. I've had a perpetual headache for all 3 of them.
I kissed the girls good-bye as they left with my sister today, who took pity on me and offered to take them for a few days. I know they'll be loved, and I know they'll have fun, as they always do at her house.
So now I get to cram what had been planned as a 7-day break into 2 1/2. And wait for the DirecTV installer that is thankfully coming tomorrow.
It could be so much worse, I know. I have healthy, wonderful girls that are dealing with their father's shortcomings with more strength and less trauma than I ever did. They've made me laugh and given me so much love. They are both better people than I am.
But I won't deny that it has been hard.
Maybe this time, next year, I'll be able to see some wonderful thing that came out of this time. I'm not convinced of that, though. Right now, the lesson I have is to keep expectations low. Low expectations help lessen disappointment.
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