Thursday, December 1, 2011

Not Over, but Through

Mama’s Losin’ It

I chose: 1.) What did you go through in order to get out? “The best way out is always through”  (Inspired by  Shatterboxx and some dude named Robert Frost)

I hate the phrase "get over it." I drove my own self crazy trying to get over the fact that X would never be the man I needed, and then again, trying to get over the fact that X would never be the father the girls deserved. Truth be told, I didn't get over it, I accepted it. I got through it. And the girls are getting through it, too.

Getting over it implies that it's over. It's never truly over. My marriage may long be over, but a few years ago, I had to accept that it would never really be behind me. And every time I thought it was, something would happen that would snap reality back in. It could be a call from a bill collector, a call that X is in jail again, or a reminder of a lie that he'd told me. Just the other night, it was something on the floor that reminded me of a crack pipe. (It wasn't, of course, but it still made me shudder.)

Those moments got easier to get through when I learned to accept that it was never going to be over. When I stopped beating myself up over having those moments. It doesn't matter that I've now been a single mom longer than I was married, that Riley can't remember a time when he ever lived with us. Those years, the father of my children, can't ever be banished from our minds, our souls. And yes, when I'm having a particularly tough time with my budget, I can't help but be reminded of the years of child support not received. It's never over. It's just something to get through.

The girls have shown a remarkable skill of getting through it. They're reminded every day of the father that he's not a part of their lives; in how my father's there for me, in how their uncles are there for their children, in a conversation with a classmate of what they did with their father last night. They can't get over it because it's always there.

They can and do get through it. They have father figures in my dad, their uncles, other loved ones. They have X's family and my family and so many others.

I remember a trick I used to use to calm Sylvia down when she was younger and any bad thing would make her miss her daddy. I would start listing all the people that she count on, starting with me, of course, then our family members, and soon enough her breathing would normalize and she would join me in adding to the list.

Of course, there are some things in life that do have an ending. This blog is full of times where I thought nothing would be good again, and now, almost everything is. I also know, whatever comes next, we can and will get through it.

Frost's quote perfectly summarizes what I've come to believe. If you can't get over it, you can at least get through it.


Missy June said...

April, you describe the process so a trigger pulls me back into the former scenario and accepting it is much better than a false expectation that such things "should" no longer affect me. Thanks!

pamtastic said...

It's tough, isn't it? Divorce, getting heart broken and being let down - there's nothing worse...I too have some experience in this.

You sound like a very strong woman...sending you wishes for continued happiness :-)

Tara R. said...

This is it exactly. Sometimes there really is no getting 'over' it, but it's quite a feat to get through it and survive.

BigLittleWolf said...

Yes. Something you get through - over and over again exactly because it isn't something you get over.

You captured this situation perfectly. Something that many - fortunately for them - will never encounter.

Pippi said...

Amen to that. I was furious when someone who mistakenly considered themselves a family friend wrote a long letter to Mark demanding that he "GET OVER IT!!!!" (meaning his childhood - they didn't even know about the drug problems.) Funny, she ended up mentally ill for a while and only recently recovered. I am not happy she was sick, but I did feel there was a certain irony in the evidence that she clearly couldn't just GET OVER her own past. For good reason. Just like Mark couldn't, for good reason.
I know now why so many people find the idea of getting through to be more daunting than standing still.