Sylvia is twelve - yes, 12!

Twelve years ago, I had been in labor for the past 20 hours and was just arriving at the hospital around midnight on Halloween. I'd known, even though I'd awakened in labor on October 30, that I was destined to have a Halloween baby.

And, at 6:55 am, after 25 hours of labor and about an hour of pushing, my first child was born.

Sylvia has endured the brunt of my mistakes as a first-time mom. I gave in to the crying, I would drive her around to get her to sleep. Yep, I was *that* kind of new mom.

Still, those amateur mistakes on my part have given us a kind of bond. We've grown up a lot together, Sylvia and I.

We've cried together over X. We both had to deal with missing him terribly in those first few months. We both had to accept our new lives in a way that Riley, being as young as she was, couldn't comprehend like we could. We both had some major growing up to do.

Our relationship has the ups and downs that one could totally expect given who we are. She's a Scorpio, I'm an Aries. I'm her mother, she's a pre-adolescent. No one can get us as mad as we get each other, but then we can also laugh together and drool over Johnny Depp together, too.

She likes to say she's following in my footsteps as a performer, but that she'll go farther, and I hope she does. She's a talented singer, a beautiful dancer, a really really great actress, and she already has more talent than I ever did because she's an excellent award-winning visual artist as well.



She has grown so much in the past year. She is so much healthier emotionally this fall than she was last spring. She makes me laugh with her dry wit. And the physical growth is astonishing. And I know it's just the beginning. She's already starting to wear my hand-me-downs in tops. Before I know it, she'll be raiding my closet on a regular basis.

She also follows in my footsteps in wearing her heart on her sleeve. She feels everything so deeply. As her mother, I want to protect her from that, but I remember all too well. I know I can't stop her. All I can do is comfort her when she needs it, and encourage her to take some breaths now and then.

She told me after her last therapy session that aside from the issues with her dad, "I have a great life." I managed to hold back my own emotions just then from bursting into tears of joy.

We both still have a lot of growing up to do. When I see her smile, when she wraps her arms around me in a hug, when she kisses me goodnight, when she calls me bursting with her latest news, when she texts me that she loves me, I know we'll both make it.

Happy birthday, my sweet Sylvia! I love you with all my heart.

Light bulb moment

It's pretty obvious to anyone who reads this or knows me that I have a constant need for validation. I need someone to tell me that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling, or think what I'm thinking. I need to feel right every now and then and I need to feel in control.

Today, it finally dawned on me why that's so important to me.

I was reading FreedomFirst's post, and she talked about her instincts being correct, and how positive that is for her.

And the light bulb came on.

(Forgive me if you read my realization and go, "well, duh!" This is news to me.)

I lived with a man for seven years that lied to me, and made me doubt everything. For the first two years we were together, I really didn't get the drug problem. Things would happen, and he would have an excuse for everything. I believed most of them.

As the years went on and I caught X in more and more lies, I began to believe less and less until I got to the point where I was convinced that if he was opening his mouth, he was lying.

He'd lie about anything and everything. He told me a mutual friend had committed suicide. You can imagine my shock when I saw this friend a few years later! There was absolutely no reason for this lie. He just said it.

Do you remember when everyone was outraged at that former drug addict that had lied to Oprah and everyone in that book he wrote? I read an article about that in Entertainment Weekly by Stephen King who said no one should have been surprised. Addicts lie. They lie about anything and everything, even when there's nothing to cover up. They lie to keep in practice.

Having lived with a liar who screwed with my mind and heart at every opportunity, it shouldn't be news to me that there are these long-lasting effects. But it is. I've been aware for some time now that I have this need for validation, but today's the first day I've become aware of why I need it.

Now, it's not debilitating, mind you. I don't think I've shut myself down completely, and I certainly don't have any trouble sharing some of my deepest darkest thoughts! Even if they're not in these pages, they're all in emails with Kori. And hey, who doesn't enjoy someone saying, "you're right." I don't think this light bulb moment will drastically alter my life in any way.

It just makes me take a step back and realize that no matter how far I've come these past six years, there's still quite the distance to go.

Riley's nine now

9 years ago today, I woke up to find my water breaking. Riley was born 5 1/2 weeks early and I actually missed most of the first day of her life while she was in the NICU with jaundice and I was recovering from the general anesthetic they gave me for the C-section because she was turned the wrong way.

I had the most awesome day care provider in the world that took Sylvia on vacation with her family while we recovered in the hospital for the first 4 days of her life. I would go down to the NICU every 2 hours to feed my girl.

She was the healthiest baby in the place, and ready to be discharged before I was, so we were lucky there.

Riley is the most emotionally healthy person I know. I remember after one episode of the X Chronicles, she asked to see the "feelings doctor" and did exactly what she wanted to do to deal with her anger. She asked for the feelings chart, pointed to everything she was feeling. She picked up one of the dolls, named it after her dad, played with it a bit and then threw it across the room. And then she told the therapist she was okay now.

She's a little sad today. Her dad hasn't called to wish her a happy birthday and she doesn't think he will, but she's decided to not think about him and enjoy her day.

She has a couple of friends that she talks to on the phone, and it's adorable to watch her face light up during these calls.

She loves schedules. She'll make my bed for me, and she'll arrange her desk just so. And then she'll open a package and throw the wrapping on the floor.

She'll take the backseat to her sister when she knows it's more important to Sylvia, but sometimes, she just has to have her own way.

She loves taking pictures. She loves the outdoors. She adores animals. She loves looking after younger children. She wants to be President so that she can legalize gay marriage on a federal level (but she also knows she might not get elected, so she's keeping that part of her platform a secret - shhhhh!).

She calls me her bestest friend, loves to snuggle with me, and has taken my breath away every day for the last nine years.

Happy birthday, Riley. Nobody loves you like I do.

My first Friday Fragments

I think I'm going to put my weekend wrap-ups to rest, and start doing Friday Fragments, hosted by Mrs. 4444 instead. I feel the need to be a joiner.

***Sylvia won a writing competition at the Club and got to see a preview of The Vampire's Assistant last night, as well as a copy of the book. She was very excited, since I'd said she'd have to wait for Netflix to see this movie. Before the movie started, Riley won a dance competition that Power 106 was sponsoring! My girls are indeed winners.

***While the girls were at the movies, I was at the book launch party for The Internet Mommy, a book that features many mommy bloggers, including Beth Blecherman, co-founder of SVMoms, and my friend and fellow LA Mom blogger, Kim Tracy Prince. The event was really fun, and I was once again inspired by all the bright and wonderful women there.

***Inspired, but still lacking the words I need to put together a coherent post for either LA Moms or Parentella, both of which are due. Oi.

***It's Riley's 9th birthday on Sunday. We'll be going to a Halloween party to celebrate. I've told her she's not allowed to grow up anymore after this.

***Still no word from X about seeing the girls for their birthdays. Sylvia has stopped asking, but I know she's thinking about it. She told me after her therapy session this week that she wants to be more like Riley when it comes to their dad. Riley loves her dad, but expects nothing from him. I agreed that Riley certainly has the most healthy attitude about X of the 3 of us. I too will strive to be more like my grown-up almost 9-year-old.

***I still have to talk to Riley's teacher about the diorama book report project. I'm putting it off.

***Not much fire in my belly right now to fight these battles. I'm beginning to think I'm wasting too much energy on the elementary years and burning out for when it really counts, middle school. According to some research I read a few years back, that's the crucial time for kids.

***I went to Sylvia's booster club meeting this week for choir. Yes, there's a separate booster club for just the choir department. That's what we've come to. Instead of participating in the chocolate fundraiser, I'm going to have Sylvia put together a solicitation letter to just ask my colleagues for cash than to buy one more piece of candy. We're all over that, and would just rather give money. Besides, cash donations means 100% of it goes to the funds, instead of a mere 30-40% of the candy sales. When I brought it up at the meeting, a lot of parents perked up at the idea!

***Both girls are now as hooked on So You Think You Can Dance as I am!

***I like this Friday Fragment thing. It's like a bunch of FB status updates or tweets all in one post.

Sublime Single Parents

I'm very excited about a new series I've just begun at my Examiner page. Check out my first profile on a SoCal single mom that has made the transition from surviving to thriving: Lolita Carrico.

Weekend Wrap-Up: beginning the bday celebrations

Friday night, the girls performed in their band - that's been in existence for less than a month! It was all part of our PTA's arts fundraiser. Most of it has been a really great experience. Unfortunately, there was some drama involving the other band members' mothers. I'm just glad I don't have to deal with them anymore! All in all, it was a fun night, and we think, financially successful.

On Saturday, the family got together to celebrate all of the October bdays: my sister, my nephew, Riley and Sylvia. We all had a really nice time together, and then my parents took the girls to their house so I could spend some grown-up time with my sister and her husband. And that was really fun.

On Sunday, we went up to the ranch, and got our pumpkins. We rode around in my friend's Gator, spotted deer and a family of geese, and just had a great time! We don't go often enough. Riley in particular absolutely loves it there, and I hope she can spend many more days there as she grows up.

Unfortunately, a really nice weekend got quite the wet blanket last night when I found that X has been telling the girls he'd see them for their bdays. That was news to me. Not to mention, he hasn't followed any of the conditions I've set up for him to see the girls - and legally, I have no obligation to let him see them at all. Sylvia had not told me that he was planning to see them because she doesn't think he'll show anyway. And she's probably right - not because he hasn't met the conditions but because he most likely hasn't even figured out how to do it, and won't end up doing it. I just hope it doesn't put too much of a damper on their birthdays for them. Neither of them expect it, but I hate that he even dangled the carrot in front of them like that.

I also had an interesting conversation with Sylvia about this blogging thing I do! She was going on the computer, and I was saving some stuff before she went on. She commented that she shouldn't even see it. I asked her what she thought I did on the computer. She said I blog about them and X and talk to my friends. I asked her how she felt about me talking about X, and she said she thought it was a good idea.

Inherently, I know that she thinks so because of the sense of community it brings all of us.

Finding financial balance

You all know pretty well that I've been freaking out about finances for a while now. Today, the freak-out reached a new high as I waited for news from my mechanic. I needed a 100,000 mile service, a smog check, and a new headlight. I spent most of the morning gritting my teeth.

The car passed the smog check, new headlight is in, service found no major problems. It went as well as it could have gone. Still, it did cost money, and became the last thing that will fit on my credit card for a while.

I have spent the week getting set up on ExpenseRegister, inputting my expenses and income, credit card payments, etc. The site helps me categorize my expenses, and then it can run various reports for me. With just a week's worth of information, it's a little too soon to get a clear picture. Still, I've cut a few costs by a few dollars each a month, and I hope that the picture helps me set clearer goals. (My one complaint with the site: one of their handy-dandy calculators lets you input your income and then it tells you how much you should be spending on each of the categories. Great idea, but it doesn't take into account that the SoCal housing market just doesn't allow me to spend what I *should* be spending on rent, and the calculator doesn't let me adjust that amount to get the rest of the percentages make sense. If that makes any sense.)

As I waited earlier, I stressed. Still, it wasn't just the dollar amount I was stressing. I was mad at myself. I want to take responsibility for my actions, and I want to make things right for my family, and I was stressed and frustrated that I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.

I still have no answer there, but I did finally figure one thing out. The car is done now. My registration will be paid on time. I won't be in danger of getting a ticket for the headlight. My car got the TLC it needs to run smoothly for me for another 3,000 miles (*knocking on wood*).

It's not like I spent $175 on a spa treatment! This was a necessary transportation cost. The expenditure was indeed a responsible thing to do.

I think it's time to relax my jaw a little.