Weddings, Presumptions and Me

When the Supreme Court overturned DOMA, a friend announced that he would be marrying his partner. When I thought about it later, I started to cry. He'd always told me that even though he supports marriage equality, he didn't want to participate in the institution. I realized how he'd told himself that because he couldn't have it so my tears were of both despair for how he'd lived with that for so many years, but of course, also of happiness that he could finally have it.

We spoke of it recently. They haven't set their plans yet, and he's been joking about eloping in a foreign country. Someone else joined us to talk about the wedding, and I was amused to see how uncomfortable she was talking about it in front of me.

I think she was uncomfortable because she thinks that either (a) I don't support those who choose to get married, or (b) that I somehow feel 'less than' to couples. Both of these are just plain false.

Of course, I'm happy for my friend! Happy is too benign a word; I'm thrilled for him. The girls and I have marched in protests for equal marriage rights, I've written posts and letters and donated money. Now that it's finally here, of course, I want to celebrate with those whose lives are changed for the better!

(Which is not to say that I love weddings, but I would go - if it's local. I like wedding receptions. Those can be fun.)

As for the second, that puts me in one of those awkward positions. Being one less RSVP doesn't make me less than, but there are some who will never be convinced that I really do love being single. I think that just comes with the territory and there's little I can do about that.

Someone told me recently she thinks she's enjoying her job as an assistant because she's single, and this type of work allows her to take care of someone. And maybe that's why I don't feel less than. I take care of my kids, I took care of my actors and production team. And my other activities allow me to feel part of things; part of a Board or committee, part of a classroom, a blogger community.

Bella DePaulo has written many posts about how the single family members usually end up taking care of parents or other relatives in times of need. Maybe some do enjoy the act of nurturing, but of course, it would be presumptuous to assume that all single people are looking to feel that way. And I, for one, would be terrible at that particular task!  But I do think that might be a more palatable justification for those who have trouble believing that some out there are really okay with checking the "single" box.

I'm not trying to convince the world that no one should couple; I just want to be a voice out there that says not coupling is also a valid choice.

Plans & Mission Re-Visited

As I begin this process of taking stock (again), I thought I'd take a look at the Plans & Missions I'd posted almost three years ago. I'm re-posting some of it with updates:

1-2 Year Plan: For the most part, keep doing what I'm doing. Continue to volunteer and help out where I can on projects that I care about and believe in. Continue to build relationships and not be afraid to put myself out there. (Yes, I have a big mouth, but in person, it takes me slightly longer to speak up and I'm almost never the first to introduce myself to someone new. I need to get better at that.)

I think I can safely say that I accomplished my plan. I now volunteer regularly for three organizations. Last year, I logged over 100 hours, and this year, I've far exceeded that. I have met tons of new people, and have found that at events where I don't know a lot of people, once I make that first or second contact, then it gets a lot easier for me.

2-5 Year Plan: Begin the legal steps to create a 401(c)3 for the benefit and support of single parents and single parent families. Start small projects to start getting the name out there, and write grant applications.

This has not gone exactly as planned, but I am writing grant applications now. I don't think it's realistic for me to create a non-profit while the girls are still in school. This will have to be moved to the 5-10 Year Plan, at the earliest. 


Before I create a new 1-2 Year Plan, etc., I should check in with my mission statement:

Mission Statement: My life is about people. They enrich me, and I want to do the same for them. And see a lot of musical theatre.

Well, now I'm back in the musical theatre world, and I know I want to stay there. Maybe not always in its current form, but I like how it's fitting into my life now. The rest of the mission statement hasn't changed, and I do believe that I've been living it.

So here are the revised plans.

1-2 Year Plan:  Continue to build my grant-writing skills, continue my involvement with the current organizations, and finish my paralegal certificate requirements. Continue to write this blog and contribute more to MomsLA. Completely pay off one credit card.

2-5 Year Plan: Help the girls plan their futures after high school. Get involved with a legal non-profit to do pro bono work. Pay off the other credit card.

5-10 Year Plan: Start the process for the single parents non-profit with small projects and grant applications. Write a book. Build a vacation fund.

10+ Year Plan: Continue to build the single parents non-profit. Join the AARP and move into a senior community as soon as possible! Continue to work, but evaluate any possibility of retiring in my 70's. Travel.

Even though I didn't write it down for every plan, I do want to continue being involved with at least one or two non-profits a year, and keep theatre in my life somehow always.

Attempting to Find Balance

I gave up even trying to update in July as I knew there was going to be no balance while we got closer to opening the musical that I was producing. We have now closed, and it's time to get back to real life again.

It was an amazing, exhausting, exhilarating, frustrating, terrifying and wonderful time - and obviously, very emotional. I absolutely loved it.

It reminds me, however, that there are still so many things I want to do, and time is my worst enemy.

I come across things every day that I'd like to try or support or join. I want to do pro bono work, I want to freelance write, I want to see plays and musicals, I want to spend more time with friends that I don't see very often, I want to spend quality time with my friends that I do see but seemingly in passing. I want to spend more time with my daughters, I want to learn new skills, I want to write a book, I want to start a single parents non-profit, I want to re-organize my living room!

I'm beginning to think that the best thing I can do with the time I'm now not spending at rehearsals or performances is to schedule myself more rigidly; spend x hours on y activity. Of course, that will only work so much because unexpected events happen almost as often as not that require immediate time and attention. Still, it's a step in the right direction, maybe.

Once upon a time, I'd created a goals list with babysteps on accomplishing them. Of course, that was eons ago so it's time for a re-do. So that's number one on my list of ways to spend my free time.

But tonight we have to strike the set and tomorrow I have a Board meeting so it'll have to wait until Wed., which is also Sylvia's first day back to school.

Oh well. At least it's the beginning of a plan to find balance again! 

Celebrating 10 Years of Independence

The Top 5 Surprises from the Last 10 Years of Single Parenthood:

1. My kids like me, they really like me! One of my favorite things about spending the summers doing theatre with my kids is seeing them from a different point of view. Last year, it was surprising to hear how many times Sylvia talked about me to her cast mates. This year, one of Riley's castmate friends told me, "she really, really loves you." I hope they know how much I love - and like - them. 
2. At this moment in time, X is doing the best job he can at being a part of their lives. I invited him to come to Sylvia's dance recital and he spent two nights on a Greyhound bus getting here and back to be there for this important day of his daughter's. And X and Sylvia were both pleasantly surprised that I invited him. It would be a stretch to call it co-parenting, but it is nice that he is not completely absent.
3. How natural and normal it feels to be a party of three now. The world is not designed for odd numbers, but instead of feeling like someone's missing, we just enjoy the extra room. 
4. How little time I have to myself! Especially in the summertime. Riley says she misses talking to me because by the time I get home after work and then rehearsal, I am just completely done with people. As much as I love, and like, my girls, I need at least an hour with absolutely no one speaking to me before I can sleep. 
5. How much I love being single. Or, more accurately, how long it took me to realize how much I love being single. I always hated dating. Both times I married, I did so more because I thought that's what I was supposed to do rather than what I wanted to do. And while I did go through a period of being absolutely terrified that I wasn't good enough for someone else to want me, letting that go gave me a feeling of freedom like I've never felt before. I like me just as I am. Which is not to say that I love everything about me, but at the same time, I can work on myself at my pace rather than worrying what someone else. And, as evidenced by the previous point, I really do like being alone. I have amazing friends and family, and I spend most of my time out in the world. I love that I don't have to worry at events whether or not my "date" is bored. I like leaving an event when I'm ready to leave. I like feeling in control of my own life. I am sometimes overwhelmed by being in charge of the girls' lives, but I also like that once I've made a decision, then that is the decision. I love my life right now. 

 I celebrate my personal freedom today. Happy Independence Day to all!

Budgeting Update and Financial Guide

Sylvia and I agreed it was worth it to make her lunch every day instead of buying the school lunch, and start saving that money towards other things. And just in time. Just spent $80 for items needed related to her upcoming dance recital.

Riley still gets her lunch at school, but since the year's almost over (yay!), I am now putting that money towards a "Riley" line item, and will use it for next year's school uniforms and some summer clothing needs. She has also agreed to do the laundry over the summer, and I have agreed to pay her for that. Because it's totally worth it!!

I am getting child support again (sporadically) so I am splitting that money between Sylvia's line item, Riley's, Transportation (I just spent $500 on my car - again - and have already been warned that another $500 will be needed in a few months), Miscellaneous (which is used for household needs and presents), and paying down credit card debt.

My dad advised me to keep track of how much I'm spending on the car over a 12-month period, and then see if it's more or less than a car payment would be. The car is 12 years old now, has close to 150k miles on it, but it is a Toyota so everyone keeps telling me it should last at least another 100k miles. Yes, but at what cost? To be continued...

In the meantime, I was offered the opportunity to review Financial Guide for Single Mothers by the author, Amit Eshet. After 10 years of single motherhood, a lot of the book covered information that I have already learned (and, admittedly, some of it the hard way), but I do think it is a great quick-reference guide, and would be useful for single mothers just beginning their journey.

While I appreciated that Eshet was forthright about most financial institutions being in the business of making money, I was surprised that Eshet did not recommend a credit union in this chapter. I am constantly grateful for the opportunity to be a part of a credit union that offers me a low-interest credit card, and superior customer service.

Also glaringly missing from the book, when talking about the importance of saving money, Eshet did not point out that it is so much easier to save when you have a portion of your paycheck deposited directly into your savings account. Most employers will offer direct deposit, so it is always worth asking.

While much of the book would be useful to anyone, regardless of whether single or not or a parent even, Chapter Eight: Financial Education for Kids will be particularly useful for single parents. Eshet includes a breakdown of age-appropriate financial concepts, even beyond the age of 18. I wish I'd had this chapter when my kids were younger! But I will hang onto it and go over it with the girls.

I was offered the book to review for free, and the author has informed me that it is currently available for 99 cents at Amazon (and the link above is connected to my affiliate link, so I would receive maybe half a cent?) for a limited time.

A Decade of Single Motherhood

It was in May 2003 that the girls and our cat and I boarded a plane, taking us from Rochester and X to L.A., and our new lives as a single parent family.

I will not deny it; that first year of single motherhood sucked a lot.

In addition to starting life over again, starting a new job, moving a couple of times, and dealing with the girls' adjustment to life without father, I was grieving. And making it even harder for myself by feeling like I had no right to my grief.

I had left him. I had moved. Everything had been my decision, so I didn't feel like I could feel bad about any of it.

But I did.

I knew it was the right thing to do, but it took some therapy to know that it was also okay to not necessarily be happy about it, either. That it was okay to mourn the loss of the life that I had wanted, that I had once believed I had, that I knew I would never have. And I had loved X for a long time, and it was okay to mourn the loss of that love that I had felt. And he had loved me in his own way, but I could also mourn the loss of a love that he could never give me.

Of course, that mourning had to be meticulously scheduled. I had to work, I had kids to feed, bathe and raise. I had to keep building our new life even as I mourned the old. It took a while.

And 10 years later, I am loving a life I never knew I wanted. I never knew I could juggle this much. I never knew I could be this close to my girls. I never knew I could have so many friends and so much love in my life.

Somehow I've managed to build this new life and strengthen our family and do it all my way. The girls and I have so many great memories of these last 10 years.

10 years ago, I was lost, angry and scared, but I can't fault myself for any of that. Had I not been those things, I wouldn't have delved into this new chapter of my life. And I know it was the best decision I ever made so that I can be here now. Long-time readers know that I hate to say I'm happy because that's an emotion with a beginning, a middle and an end. But I can say that I'm very happy to be celebrating this decade of single motherhood.

To all the single mothers, please know that you have much to celebrate this Mother's Day. But if what you really need to give yourself is a little time to grieve, please do. Tears are more valuable than flowers any day. The love of yourself and your children will make it a very special Mother's Day no matter what.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

Budgeting Update: The Grocery Line Item

I don't think I've ever gone into detail about my grocery budget.  (So what if Financial Literacy Month is over?)

A few years ago, I started an excel spreadsheet that is now almost 1000 rows long of each item I buy, quantity, and cost per.

I menu plan first. And I almost exclusively cook in the slow cooker. I've accrued quite a few recipes through blogs, websites and books. Then I heard that emeals was now offering a slow cooker option, so I re-joined. (No, no referral fee or anything. I know, I'm so bad at trying to monetize this blog!)

I keep my grocery list in a note on my phone so that I can add things during the week as we run out.
On Thursday or Friday, I put together my menu for the coming week and finalize my grocery list. Then I go to my grocery budget spreadsheet.

It has been built one grocery trip at a time. It started with estimates of how much each item cost. Now, I take each receipt and update the spreadsheet with the actual amount spent for each item. Here in CA, we're not taxed on food items, but I do buy more than just food, so I go ahead and multiply the sub-total by the tax rate to come up with a total. I try to use coupons, but I don't always remember to do so, so I do not deduct any coupons from that total. Of course, if the total is over my budgeted amount, then I have to re-think my planned meals or forego a desired, but not needed, product or two.

8 out of 10 times, by putting together my list this way, I spend less than I have budgeted for my groceries. This week was one of those weeks where I went over. By seven bucks. Oh, well. It happens. I subtracted the overage from my "Miscellaneous" line item on my budget.

Previously, I've tried to keep track of my spending while shopping, but that's not nearly as reliable or efficient.

I also only shop once a week. If I forget something, then that recipe will just have to wait until next week. (Though, admittedly, it's not necessarily out of principle; it's more lack of willpower.) I usually have spaghetti or other easy items on hand to make do.

Every so often, I will make a trip to Costco to stock up. I also have a Costco shopping list tab in my grocery budget, but I do not dare rely on that alone. On Costco trips, we keep the calculator tool open on the phone so we can add as we go. I also compare and have found on some items, it is cheaper to buy at the grocery store than Costco so I know which items to leave off the Costco list. I'm proud to say, I have actually left Costco for less than $100.

I am absolutely dreadful at actually using left-overs, so I could still do better when it comes to saving money on groceries. And I wanted to kick myself when I came across a book of coupons from my grocery store that had already expired before I opened them. Still, I do have to balance my free time with saving money. Overall, this method is working for us.