Life Well Lived: Dealing with Disappointment

BlogHer asks: How do you deal with disappointment, and what lessons do you have to share from those experiences?

Long-time readers will know my answer, and I don't tire of repeating it:

Every emotion has a beginning, a middle and an end. That goes for disappointment, too.

I don't believe in denying it. I don't think it helps to seek out the silver lining. I think you just have to get through it. The lessons, the silver lining, and the new opportunities will come after the feelings have subsided.

After about a year of single parenting, I knew I needed help. When I first started going to therapy, I wondered just when I would stop crying. It was draining. Even with all that I buried during the week to be there for my girls, to do my job, I took full advantage of those fifty minutes once a week to let it all out.

There were times when I felt bad about crying, as I knew there were so many people much worse off than me. My dear friend and colleague assured me that my pain was just as real, and I just needed to "empty my bucket." She was right.

It doesn't help to play the comparison game. We feel what we feel, and denying ourselves that usually just makes us feel worse. We have to feel it before we can move past it.

Eventually, I emptied my bucket and used those sessions to talk about my concerns for the girls, and get some professional insight on how to best parent them. Eventually, the weekly sessions were no longer necessary.

As often as I feel happy now, as content as I am in my life now, I know that it, too, is just one emotion that I experience every day. I know I appreciate them more than I did prior to the rose coming off the bloom, and interestingly, I smile and laugh a lot more now. I hold on to those moments for as long as I can. Knowing that nothing lasts forever helps me cherish the good, and get through the bad.

I'm sure I'm in for more disappointments. I'm also sure that I will laugh again, that I will smile again, and that I will feel happy again.

Join the discussion at BlogHer's main post on dealing with disappointment. And enter their sweepstakes to win an iPod Touch.

Having it All - Part 2

How does a single mother have it all? Because I have all that matters to me.

For the first few years of single parenthood, I tended to focus on what I didn't have. From the marriage to a house to call our own to career, I could only see what I lacked.


Eventually, as we all settled into our new lives, my perspective changed.

First, I went back to school and could advance in my career, and I found a program where I could help others and feel part of something. And then I started volunteering for the PTA. I figured out that so long as there was something else in my life besides work and kids, and included some form of community involvement, I felt fulfilled.

Then I realized, I really didn't want to be a homeowner. I figured out that it would make me feel the opposite of stable; the financial obligation was just too much. So I accepted and started enjoying being a renter.

Finally, the realization that I like being single. I like having that time at the end of the day, after the girls have gone to bed, to just be me, with no one else around. I like making the decisions for my family on my own. I like going to Disneyland, just the three of us. Our family unit is complete as we are.

This is not meant to diss anyone who wants these things, or values them most. We should all go for what we want, but we don't have to want everything.

My life is far from perfect, but for the most part, the problems come and go and we remain relatively unscathed. And I know I have the support I need to keep getting through.  

I don't have everything in the world. No one does. But I have all that I need to feel complete.

I have my girls, a job that I love, and the ability to fill my free time as I desire. I have all that I need.

Having It All - Part 1

The question of whether or not women can have it all has become a hot topic. Again. Of course, by the time I'm posting this, it may only be lukewarm, but I'll throw in my two cents anyway.

I have it all. I have it all because I have people in my life that have supported me and continue to support me.

When I left my husband, quit my job and moved cross-country back to L.A., my parents offered us their love and their home. That allowed me to grieve, to cope, and to start putting our lives back together.

My friends were there to offer their shoulders, their ears and their compassion to help me to get through it.

My colleagues offered me the job and the security when it was time for us to live on our own again. They even offered up the wares to make it a home.

My boss encouraged me to complete my college degree, which was the first step in being able to promote me later, offering me a better position to support the girls.

My friends and family continue to encourage and support me in all my endeavors; from coming to see me when I first stepped on a stage again, to writing letters of recommendation for the leadership program, reading my blog, helping me talk through my parenting dilemmas, and even helping me wade through the process to get my divorce finalized...and celebrating with me when it was done!

Having their support has been all I truly needed to accomplish anything I've wanted. And also helped me realize what I don't want.

If there are things in your life that you don't have yet but really want, look to the people in your life. And be there for the people that matter to you.

There are so many people live in my heart for making a positive difference in my life, in Sylvia's life, and Riley's. And part of my mission now is to let them know how much they mean to me and express my gratitude and my love for them as much as I can.

I also try to pay it forward. People have called or emailed and asked for my help in finding child care, in filing their divorce papers, or simply listening/reading when they need to talk. Being able to be there for others going through similar situations makes me feel like somehow my experience has been worthwhile. Not to mention, just being there for my friends and family.

We have it all when we have people in our lives that allow us to be ourselves, and when we give that kind of support right back. Or forward. And if we do that often enough, maybe, just maybe, everyone can have it all.

Part 2 to come.

Balancing a Teen's Look

To celebrate her independence, Sylvia opted to dye her hair black this 4th of July.

She did ask permission first (and thanks to my mom for applying it), and my only condition was that she couldn't go a crazy color with the performances of the musical taking place next month. Otherwise, I'm okay with it.

I remember wanting to try something different at her age. Unfortunately, my hair is so dark that it really won't take a dye job, unless I bleached it first, which I wasn't willing to do. I guess I have two conditions: I told Sylvia to never bleach her hair.

Hair changes are not permanent. I disagree with her on bangs; I think she looks better without them, but hey, it's her hair.

From the time they were little, I let them choose the length of their hair. They know that longer hair requires more care, but has greater versatility. They ask my opinion, which I give, but I always end it with, "it's your choice."

I'm not so liberal when it comes to more permanent decisions. I let them get their ears pierced, but only one hole per ear. Anything more permanent than a henna tattoo is forbidden. They may make a different decision when they're adults, but then, they'll be paying for it!

These choices help them feel like they have a say in their own bodies, but if they regret them later, they only have to live with it for so long.

Besides, Sylvia's gorgeous in any hair color! That smile makes it so.

Happy Independence Day!

Shouldn't be a huge surprise to anyone that I like to celebrate the 4th a little differently.

I don't find fireworks enjoyable when it means large crowds and crazy drivers, so we'll be home well before they start, and probably watch some movie musical!

However you celebrate, I hope it's doing what you want to do (within reason, of course), and that you have the freedom to do so.

Odds and Ends

Our summer routine is now in full swing!

Sylvia had her dance recital this past weekend, officially wrapping up school year 2011-12. Her technique has improved tremendously in the past year, and she was gorgeous.

I'm so proud to say that she's now a volunteer at the Club, teaching Dance to children ages 9-12. It was all her idea, and it's going great!

We've started rehearsals for The Music Man, and it's already a blast.

I've also added a few titles. I'm now serving on the Board of the Leadership Burbank Alumni Association, and as the Chair of the Corporate/Real Estate Education section of Los Angeles Paralegal Association. Because being a single mom, working full-time, going to school part-time and doing the play weren't quite enough for me! But I love it all, of course.

I haven't mentioned that there's been something strange going on, for fear of jinxing it, I guess. I've actually been getting child support. X paid the full amount he is supposed to in May, and so far, half the amount for June.

Of course, there are years worth of back child support due, and I'm in no way, shape or form counting on this money, but it has come in handy.

Now that the girls are both officially adolescents, they're eating twice as much as they used to, so it has become cost-effective for me to join Costco. Since you can't use credit cards (except for Costco's) there (which I never knew...did you know that?), I can go a little beyond my budget if/when the child support money has cleared the bank. Because everyone knows you can't leave Costco without spending $100!

Costco is also great for gas. I'm driving a little less this simmer, but I did a happy dance after paying $3.63 for gas at Costco, and then seeing $3.79 at another station.

(No, no disclosure here. I just like Costco that much!)

Riley went to Palm Springs for a week with my parents to start off her summer vacation and brought back these lovely pillows. One for me:

One for Sylvia:

And finally, for Riley herself:

She (or rather, Grandma) bought the pillows at a Fair from the woman who made them. She added glasses to the last one just for Riley!

That was probably enough odds and ends for two posts!

More on Unions

Interestingly enough, someone recently commented on my Anti-Union post, the next in my retrospective series. They asked what I thought of Actor's Equity.

I remember getting my AFTRA card, my SAG card, and my Equity card, and what a huge deal it was each time. They were milestones of achievements.

As it turned out, the show that earned me my Equity card was also the last one for which I got paid for live theatre. Even then, it only paid enough for my cost of living during the run. The very next week, I needed another form of income.

As I've said before, the creation of unions was valuable and important at the time it occurred. Just like with any other group of people that had to sacrifice for the greater good, I remain grateful for the people that helped make that happen.

Someone told me that when it comes to unions like Equity and SAG, "union" seems to be a misnomer. It's incredibly difficult to earn your way into this elite group, and is better designed to keep people out than to let people in. You have to land a job, but of course, it's rare to even get an audition for a union job without being union! The union only brings together about 1% of actors.

Having said that, I do believe that Actor's Equity and even SAG/AFTRA offer better benefits to its members than many other unions out there. I loved the SAG/AFTRA credit union, and that Equity card was the golden ticket into an easier life on the cattle call line. I never made enough from any of them to earn health benefits, but I will have a teeny tiny pension one day.

While I do have my issues with the actors' unions, I would say that in comparison to many other unions, they support their members a lot more. There is one particular office workers' union where every member I know (a) is forced to be a member in order to keep their current employment, (b) has dues going up every year while their benefits decrease every year, and (c) has had bad experiences with those who work for the union when it comes to customer/member service. I have heard those kinds of stories for other types of unions as well.

As I've said before, I think there are many laws on the books (especially here in CA) to protect workers, but sadly, many workers aren't protected from union leadership that isn't running things in the best interest of its workers, nor do they have the right to withdraw from a union and keep their job.

I am no longer a member of any union. I love my job, I love my boss and colleagues, my hours, and I am treated fairly and respectfully. And I love the freedom to act for fun in community theatre. Sometimes, there can be great benefits in being union-free.