Balancing Context

My 11-year-old daughter asked me, "Is Daddy a good person who does bad things, or a bad person who sometimes does good things?"

My daughters have experienced first-hand how important context is when thinking about a whole person. 

Sam Sommers' Situations Matter: Understanding How Context Transforms Your World is a great read, all of it, and it helps the reader understand that personality is only one factor when it comes to understanding humanity.

My answer to my daughter was, he's just a person. I told her that a few years ago, I might have called him a good person who does bad things, but because he continues to do bad things and finds himself in jail again for his 51st birthday, he doesn't show a great capacity to learn. But he's still not a bad person. He's not evil. He just can't seem to get his life together.

I've learned how to be honest with my daughters about their father's actions, without necessarily bad-mouthing him. The girls have learned that they can love their father, but not love his actions.

Sommers' book includes many stories of ordinary people in situations where their actions might have left many of us judging them as bad or heartless people. Sommers shows us how easily we could have (and probably have) been guilty of similar actions in similar circumstances. Sommers calls this type of judgment What You See Is What Is What You Get (WYSIWYG). A benign example from Sommers' own experience: getting irritated with a driver that won't leave their parking space so Sommers can pull into it it; thinking the driver selfish or mean-spirited. Sommers later learned that (a) he knew the driver (and knew him not to be selfish or mean-spirited), and (b) the car wouldn't start and had to be towed.

My favorite chapter is Chapter 4: You're Not the Person You Thought You Were. This chapter was fresh on my mind when I wrote It's Not Your Fault. There were a lot of things at play when I said, "I do." Like, being 7 months pregnant with our second child. Even before legally wedding him, I now recognize how much fear factored into my decisions when I stayed with him, or went back to him. Some of that fear was of my own making, and X exploited those fears to make me feel like being with him was my best option. I'm not necessarily a fearful person, nor was I then, but in context with being in love with him, I found myself in a situation I never thought could happen to me.

Situation Matters helped me see that while I'll never know myself completely, I don't have to judge myself because of one action, and future actions will continue to change me. Of course, I hope for the better, but I know that won't always be the case, either. Nor will one action dictate the rest of my daughters' lives.

Sommers goes into a lot more detail of how context matters on a variety of levels: from dozens of witnesses who did nothing when a boy was kidnapped and beaten to the assumptions of gender differences, race relations, and even the idea of soul mates. Sommers is rarely preachy, often witty, and balances scientific evidence with great personal anecdotes to keep from feeling like you're in a lecture hall. 

As hard as it may be to deal with the consequences of X, I do think the girls are better off for already understanding how to balance situations with personality.

Disclosure: I was given an advance copy of the book to read for participating in TLC's Book Tour.

It's Not Your Fault

I couldn't even get through Tina's post because I saw red. It seems a reasonable question, and I certainly was asked this enough times that I know the question is well-intended. But the result is what infuriates me.

Tina was asked, "why did you marry him?" Tina is sharing her journey of a horrible marriage to a narcissist and the ongoing struggles to get her ex to comply with the court's mandated visitation rules and his continued attempts to turn their daughters against Tina.

There are many differences in Tina's journey and my own, but a lot of similarities, too. I know exactly how Tina feels as she stumbles over her words to respond to her daughters when they try to understand why their father doesn't show up for visitations, or says or does things that no mother should have to explain.  I know how she feels when she wishes for a manual to guide her through this. The circumstances are different, but the feelings and desires for our daughters are very much the same.

Which is why I seethe for her when someone asks, "why did you marry him?" She was asked to look within herself to find out where she went wrong.

That's like asking a burglary victim to explain why the robber went after them.

I spent years in therapy trying to understand my own actions. You know what I came up with? It wasn't me. It wasn't co-dependency or a fault in my own upbringing. It just happened.

Sometimes, crappy things just happen.

That's not to say I didn't make choices or don't take responsibility. I take responsibility every day. By raising these children on my own, by paying every single bill, by sharing in their struggles and their triumphs. I pay for those choices in the nightmares and the reminders.

But I've also realized how many times I was manipulated. My mistake was believing in him, and believing that love could conquer anything and everything. Yes, love can be wonderful and strengthening and buoying, but only if it works both ways. In my situation, it simply wasn't. He has no clue how to love. Call it a mental deficiency, a chemical imbalance, it doesn't matter. I gave my love to the wrong person. Plain and simple.

I see red when Tina's asked this question because I know how it feels to ponder it, to try to look "inward" when the answer is outward. It's not always within ourselves to find these answers, but sometimes, it's really about someone else.

So to Tina and all the other persons, single parent or otherwise, whomever has had their heart trampled or their soul broken or their wallet stolen, it is not your fault. Stop worrying what you did to deserve this, what you need to change about yourself. Just keep getting up every day. Keep doing your best to get through the next hour. Keep remembering that every emotion has a beginning, a middle and an end, and believe that you will once again love, laugh, and feel true happiness for moments scattered through a life full of landmines, challenges, and loss.

There will be moments of revelation to come. There will be times when you'll remember something that says to you, oh yeah, I saw a red flag there, and I ignored it because...the blanks will fill in themselves when you're stronger, when you're more content, and yes, when you love yourself more. But you don't get there by beating yourself up. You get there with the pillars of strength you've built out of your own hard work that makes you proud. You get there with the help of friends that actually get you to laugh about your ex's shortcomings. You get there through every hug and kiss and "I love you" your child says. You get there when you can laugh at your own stumbles instead of cursing yourself for them.

So if someone asks, "why did you marry him?" you respond, "because I didn't have the benefit of hindsight." If someone asks, "what did you learn about yourself?" you can say that you're learned that a heartbreak doesn't actually kill you. If they ask what mistakes you've learned not to make again, you can respond that you certainly won't marry him again! And you can even say, "it wasn't my fault. It was his."

And the First Post of 2012

I have six grocery bags full of books to give away, and I've thrown out a good half-dozen kitchen-sized trash bags of stuff! I'm afraid that's just in the living room. There's still the bedrooms to go.

Having spent most of my adult life moving on average once a year, I've discovered something about staying settled for 3+ years. I haven't had that opportunity to go through everything due to a pending move. I had to find some other impetus to go through stuff so I used New Year's.

One of the things I haven't decluttered, ironically, are all my books on decluttering. While I accept that I can't change the fact that I'm not a born organized type person, I also accept that I need help. I hope that just having the books remind me to keep this up throughout the year.

With both of the girls out of school, all this quality time together has brought back sibling rivalry. Oh, joy.

Last night, I was telling Riley the phrase I use over and over in this blog, but not so much with the girls. I told her that anger is like any other emotion: with a beginning, a middle and an end. She responded that she was annoyed when I started talking, but she knows it'll go away as soon as I stop. Oh, yeah, she's a tween!

Sylvia has turned even more into a mini-me. She's currently obsessed with Oklahoma! and Gypsy, two musicals that I must've watched a hundred times when I was a kid.

My current musical obsession is [title of show]. My friend told me about this show a while ago, but I just got around to downloading it, and love almost every song, but most especially, Die Vampire Die! The vampires are the things and people that try to kill our creative spirit.

There's this wonderful section in that song where they talk about the little voice in our head that tells us we're not good enough, and other soul-crushing thoughts. She says (paraphrasing), "why is it that if someone said that to me in a subway station, I'd think they were a deranged idiot, but if it's the voice in my head, I think it's the voice of reason?" Such a great reminder that just because it's in our head doesn't make it right. After all, isn't that where our fears lie? To give in and give up is to let that deranged idiot Fear win.

It occurs to me that maybe I've been letting Fear win a little when it comes to this blog. Oh, sure, I have the excuses of less time, older kids, but truthfully, I have put myself out here less and less. I didn't blog about the audition I blew, or the scholastic struggles I had with Sylvia this first semester of her high school career. And maybe I wouldn't have blown the audition or allowed Sylvia to struggle as long as I did if I held myself more accountable here.

I hate resolutions, but all the more reason to make one. I resolve to blog more about the vampires this year.

The Last Post of 2011

Skimming through to pick my favorite posts inevitably led to some reflection of the year. I completed a leadership program, the girls changed schools, and I performed on a stage for the first time in over a decade. X drama was at an all-time low, and I don't think any of us sat on a therapist's couch at all this year!

Posting became harder because of it. Turns out being content doesn't compel me to write as much as despair, frustration and anger do. But you know what? That's okay. I'll take it. I also partly blame the commute (only partly because it only started in August). Being away from home from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. doesn't leave a whole lot of time for blog reading or writing.

I'm trying to think of any life lessons I can take away from 2011. I guess it's that progress is slow, but definitive.


We started 2011 not knowing where the girls would attend middle school and high school, and then they both got into our dream schools for them, and those dreams have (for the most part) paid off.

Sylvia is struggling a bit academically, but I see slow, definitive progress that makes me believe it's going to be okay. She had to change some, I had to change some, and together those small changes are already making a big difference.

Riley's progress was swifter and more readily apparent, but it has been her steadiness that makes me confident it can continue not just this year, but for all her middle school years (so long as nothing drastic changes).

I've also been making small, definitive changes. Some make me a better mother, a better friend and employee, a better person. The biggest, most definitive change has been that I'm more patient with me. It's so easy to get caught up in always seeing the negatives, to get mad at myself for not doing this or that, but I've stopped wasting all that energy. I acknowledge, and then I go straight to thinking about how I can solve the problem for me. Turns out I don't need all the self-flagellation in the middle. And yes, that includes blogging about some failures, which can easily turn to dwelling.

There are some problems for which I haven't found a solution. If it's been a few minutes, and nothing is coming to me, I've gotten much better about letting it go. It's still swirling around, and sometimes, the answers reveal themselves unexpectedly. Others? Well, I'm still waiting.

The biggest change, however, is acknowledging that I'll never be perfect and that's okay. No one is! I will make mistakes with my children, at work, with friends. I will say and do incredibly stupid things sometimes. I either laugh about it, or hope for something shiny to come along soon and distract me. Eventually, enough time will pass and I will laugh about it. (Tragedy + Time = Comedy)

I don't expect any big changes in 2012, but I also know that you never know. But if 2012 ends up being as quiet as 2011 was? That would be as perfect as life can get!

Happy New Year!  

These are a Few of My Favorite Posts (2011 edition)

1.) This year in blog posts...choose a favorite post from each month of 2011 and share.

Jan. 2011: My Yahoo! Mother Board post on Managing a Paycheck-to-Paycheck Budget was chosen as an editor's pick. (I wrote a follow-up here.)

Feb. 2011: One of my single parent rants.

March 2011: There were 3 in March that I really loved, but I chose Free Spirit. Because I still want to be her when I grow up.

April 2011: While The Latest on Finances is a sort of post that appears in variations throughout this blog's life, BigLittleWolf's comment is what really stuck with me, and makes it worth a re-post.

May 2011: Balance De-Mystified was featured on BlogHer. 

June 2011: Yes, I get a little righteous in After the Dust Has Settled. Probably because I'm right! 

July 2011: How Easily We Become "that" Parent. Just a few harried moments in the life of a single, working mom.

Aug. 2011: Are Single Parent Families Really So Different? Nope, not really.

Sept. 2011: My first post in celebration of National Unmarried and Singles Week, Discovering I'm Single at Heart.

Oct. 2011: Great Memories; Past and Present. That was supposed to be a colon between Memories and Past. Oh well.

Nov. 2011: Stuff I Don't Miss. The advantages of having a tween and teen.

Dec. 2011: Not Over, but Through. Sometimes, you don't just get over it. You get through it.

Parenting in the 21st century: About Facebook

Friend and fellow blogger, Jessica Gottlieb, recently posted why she won't friend her daughter on Facebook. I love her, and I respectfully disagree.

As a caveat to joining Facebook on her 13th birthday, I told my daughter she had to be friends with me. Not because I needed to up my friend numbers, or to show the world how close we are, or to helicopter, but because this is the Internet, and what she does there could have consequences.

A lot of motherhood involves thinking through potential consequences. We teach our children to look both ways before they cross a street, but we also need to remind them every time they cross for their first 10 years before we know we've engrained that in them. And chances are, we're there for at least half of those crossings and look both ways ourselves, too.

I can't just throw her out there without having her back. We talk about things that happen on FB off-line. We talk about what she posts, and how it might be construed. We talk about things that other people post. We talk about privacy settings, and how they can't be relied upon. I remind her again and again that what she puts out there is out there for always, and while you can delete a post, it's never really gone.

Of course I realize that there are things that happen on FB that I don't see happening because they're in private messages, or she's navigated some settings. That's fine. It's not about me seeing everything she does, but understanding that everything she does is obtainable, and that she's accountable for it.

Jessica mentioned that she might not want her daughter to see everything Jessica's friends post. Again, my daughter is free to change her settings so that she doesn't see everything my friends post, but I'm also not responsible for what my friends say or do online. I think also, that seeing someone post something inappropriate helps my daughter to understand the consequences of doing so, whether it be my friends or hers. We talk about that, too.


I'll admit, I was surprised when my own mom sent me a friend request on FB, but I accepted it, and frankly, it does help me maintain accountability for my own FB postings. If it's something I wouldn't want my mother to see, it does not belong on FB.

There might come a time when Sylvia no longer wants to be my FB friend, and if so, I won't cry or lose sleep over it, but I think that being friends now is valuable for her to understand and accept the accountability for any consequences.

The Post-Christmas Post

Okay, now I can say it. I managed to go from Thanksgiving to Christmas without stepping foot in a mall, a Target, a department store! That's always my goal, but this is the first year I actually achieved it. I usually forget about stocking stuffers and find myself amidst the crowds, but not this year.

I also did not break my budget. Granted, I had a little help. During my Savvy shopping, I took care of all of Sylvia's presents. Riley's were a lot cheaper than I expected, so it wasn't a problem to finish my shopping for the others. I also didn't go overboard. I no longer feel compelled to have the presents outweigh the tree. And the best part: Sylvia mentioned that there were less presents, and that she liked it better that way! Seems there is something to that quality vs quantity after all.

I added something to our traditions, though. I wrote them each what they're referring to as a sappy love letter. They were, I admit it. I think it's nice every so often to give the girls something tangible that expresses how I feel about them. I know they hang onto them, and I hope they turn to them whenever they need a reminder that no matter what, I'm on their side. They call them sappy, but it turns out they're both saps.

I was especially proud when even my mom said she thought I did a good job with their presents this year. Sylvia got mostly clothes, and she liked them a lot. I completed Riley's Harry Potter DVD collection. Aside from the letters, the stockings were full of practicalities: pencils, socks, etc.

My parents gave me a beautiful ring. I am not a jewelry person, but this ruby and diamond ring is something I can proudly wear daily. It suits me perfectly.

The only wrinkle came when I almost forgot to take a couple presents to my parents' house (we spend the night there Xmas Eve). Serves me right for being so smug about avoiding last-minute shopping. I caught my error almost as we were arriving. At least we live close. 

All in all, it was a nice, quiet, content Christmas.