I Asked, I Received, and I'm Okay with It

After a few bloggy friends got reviewed on Ask And Ye Shall Receive, I went for it and submitted my blog. Of course, the moment after I did so, I started freaking out. A few months later, my 1-star review is posted. I'm actually thrilled I got a star!

No, this blog is not for everyone. It's not even for all mommy bloggers, or single moms, working moms or liberal atheist moms (could there be such a thing as a conservative atheist? I'm thinking no.), or whatever other labels I wear. I know I'm not the best writer, and I appreciate that Shinerpunch made a point of saying I'm not a bad writer.

And I have worried that I might be coming across as sanctimonious, but then someone comments or emails  "thanks, that helped." That's all I need to hear to keep doing this.

I've been writing less and less because I do have less to say lately. The girls are getting older, and I can only tread on their stories as much as they'll allow me. As was pointed out in the review, I still write about the hard days when I have them, because that's when I most need to blog, to process. This blog is still for me and for the readers who care.

And a special shout-out to Nilu, who has been so supportive. Thank you.

If you're here because of the review and you think I might be for you, welcome, take a look around, comment or don't. Totally up to you.

Oh, and I do want to utilize their suggestion to make a "best of" page, but really, I think that's up to the readers. So comment or email me what post(s) you like. There is a search bar here, or you can just say "the one that was about..." and I'll find it.

Thank you, Shinerpunch, for the review! I think I'd hate anyone after reading 500+ posts in a short amount of time, so my hat's off to you for what you do.

No Reason

My mom likes to turn to the oft-used phrase, "everything happens for a reason" in times of turmoil. For a lot of years and momentary dramas, it would suffice. 6 months or a year later, we could usually come up with some justification.

Three years after my divorce, I still couldn't find the reason for all that had happened. And any reasoning I tried simply didn't add up. Sure, I could say it was so I could have my girls, but why did I have to marry him (while pregnant with the second child) and go through 2 years simply trying to get divorced? I could try and find a reason for why he acted the way he did, but no reason was acceptable for not paying child support. The puzzle pieces just wouldn't come together no matter how hard I tried.

So I just stopped trying.

And just like that, the moment of healing truly began. The past was what it was, and it was time to move forward. I was a single mother and these were my two girls that I loved and had to care for, and there were enough challenges with that to keep going backward.

A reasonable amount of self-reflection is certainly healthy so that we can learn from past mistakes and not repeat them as much as possible. I could look back enough to see the times that I dismissed concerns away, or believed that love could conquer anything, but there were no more lessons to be learned. I was just dwelling and waiting for some answer to reveal itself in marquee lights. That wasn't going to happen.

Even today, I can't say why X is the way he is. I can guess that there's some narcissism, some denial, and  self-medication happening to live with himself. But I can't say why he continues to be satisfied with his empty life.I can't find any justifiable reason for the girls to have a father they don't deserve.

But I do know that what I can do is be there for them always. My focus will be on what we have to accomplish this week, and what's for dinner tomorrow night, and getting the girls up and ready for school on time. The reasons are simple, the tasks achievable, and the goal is to live up to my responsibilities. How we got here simply doesn't matter anymore. 

This post is inspired by The Daily Post's topic: Does everything happen for a reason? Check the comments for other posts.

More on Paycheck-to-Paycheck Budgeting

I was so pleased that my latest Yahoo! Mother Board post on Shine, Managing a Paycheck-to-Paycheck Budget, was chosen as an Editor's Pick. After it was written, and as the comments started coming in, I thought of other bullet points to add:

• Stop the paper madness. I've been reading a lot on organization lately, and so many tips and tricks don't apply to me, because I get almost no paper bills. My utility bills all come in through my credit union's online bill pay, and I've stopped all paper bills from companies that offer that option. Since I take the standard deduction on my taxes, there's no need to save tons of receipts. I write down the confirmation numbers when paying bills online, of course, but have rarely had to refer to them.(Of course, everything's saved in my emails, too, so if I ever needed to, I could print out receipts.)
• More online tools. As I mentioned in the Yahoo post, I check my bank balance almost every day. I also check my credit cards at least every other day. I don't have to wait for the monthly bill to see if there's been any unauthorized use; it would show up online almost immediately. There are also many tools available online to check how long it will take for to pay off a credit card, the IRS site has a withholding calculator that I use at least once a year, and Suze Orman's site, of course, has a plethora of great tools available when I need to re-think and revise my budget.
• Treat yourself in small ways. Long-time readers know my weakness for live theatre. Before I buy tickets for anything, I have learned to take my time and use any and all resources to get the cheapest tickets possible. Goldstar is a great resource for getting tickets usually for half-price, but I also go to the venue's site and see what options they have. I haven't paid full price for my treat for at least two years! While theatre may not be your weakness, think about how you can still treat yourself without breaking your budget. Maybe you budget it in once a month instead of once a week, or maybe there are other ways to get your treat for less out of your pocket. The point is, trying to deny yourself completely will most likely lead to falling off the budget wagon, and giving up any hope that you'll be able to get back on. By allowing yourself the small treats along the way, life is more enjoyable, and the budget seems more manageable.
• Pay the bills immediately. I get up earlier than usual every payday and bring down my checkbook balance as soon as the coffee's poured...and I look forward to it! There's a sense of  pride of living up to my responsibilities, a small sense of accomplishment as I see those credit card balances decrease, and satisfaction in seeing the budget and balance all match up as expected. I double-check my budget spreadsheet to make sure there's no bill I've missed...and then triple-check my bank account balance. (There was a time when paying the bills was depressing, but as I gained more and more control of my budget, this activity has gone from a dreaded one to one that I actually enjoy.)
• Become a happy homebody. I pay for satellite TV because I definitely use it (though I've given up premium channels, and Netflix series from those channels). I buy myself 5 songs on iTunes once a week. I don't have to go out to be entertained. I have all the tools I need at home to amuse myself. I'll blast my iPod, watch a movie I DVR'd from Turner Classic Movies, read blogs, waste time on FB. I am fortunate enough to live close enough to work to go home for lunch, another money-saving opportunity (not to mention, time to enjoy home without the kids). It makes for less blog fodder, but helps tremendously in keeping my budget intact. I savor every moment that isn't scheduled to be somewhere.
• Pick your toys with thought for the long-term. As I mentioned above, I thoroughly enjoy the things I've purchased. There are so many other things that I covet, but continue to deny myself. I would love some type of laptop device, but don't want to have to pay for wi-fi or the apps that would add up quite quickly. I would love to go to Vegas for the weekend, but don't really want to pay for the hotels or food. Suze Orman brought this up in a recent show, and I was so thrilled that it was already something I've been doing: I try to ask myself whether or not I'll be saying "that was SO worth it" or "I wish I hadn't done that." If there's any room for doubt, the answer is no. 
• It's never done. As I said in the original post, budget, revise, budget, revise. One commenter mentioned that she rounds up by $5. That's something I'm going to try and implement. It just occurred to me this week that the money from the 5th paycheck on those 5-paycheck months could go to paying down my credit card sooner - duh! By continuing to think about this obsessively, I continue to have those light-bulb moments.

Weekend Reading

A new feature! Over the weekend, I'll point you to my other posts.

My latest Parentella post is another look at parental involvement.

I'll be posting a Part 2 to my paycheck-to-paycheck budgeting post next week, so first, you might want to read Part 1 on Yahoo's Shine.

For Christina

Christina Taylor Green, the nine-year-old killed in AZ over the weekend, was the daughter of Los Angeles Dodgers scout, John Green. 

I've just received a press release from the LA Dodgers that there is now a memorial fund for donations, and the Dodgers organization will be putting together a memory book for Christina.

Thoughts, memories, and condolences can be emailed to greenfamily@dodgers.com or mailed to: Dodger Stadium, c/o the Green Family, 1000 Elysian Park Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90090.

Donations can be made through the Community Foundation of Southern Arizona, or mailed to:  

The Community Foundation for Southern Arizona

In Memory of Christina Taylor Green

2250 E. Broadway Boulevard

Tucson, AZ 85719

The Nightmares

Every now and then, I have nightmares about the X. Sometimes, I'm the idiot who goes back to him, and watch the things that happened back then happen all over again, knowing all the time they were going to happen, and wondering why I was so stupid to go back. Or he's somehow infiltrated our lives; he's friends with my friends or works where I work. He starts being a real father to the girls, and then doesn't show up for some important event and breaks their hearts all over again. Sometimes, I've awakened from those dreams crying, and I go through the next few days on alert, afraid he'll show up around the next corner.

I had one of those dreams recently. When I woke up, there were no tears, no fears that the roller coaster was about to start all over again. I just felt relief that that's not our life anymore.

X still calls the girls every so often, but there are fewer promises to call back in a week or so. The girls catch him up and then it's over and everything's still normal.

There were times when news of the X would throw us off balance for quite a while. Eventually, we'd find our way back. Sometimes, it took therapy. Sometimes, it just took time. We don't go through those cycles anymore.

I never thought this day would come. I remember thinking that this was going to be our lives forever because he's their father forever. Somehow, we've worked it out, and any drama in our lives is about us, not him. And maybe someday, the nightmares will end, too.

Weekend Wrap-Up: New Year, Old Title

Haven't done a weekend wrap-up in a long time!

I am so glad the holidays are over! Yes, it was nice and all, but mostly, I just appreciate everyday life again; seems much less chaotic.

Riley and I visited a charter middle school yesterday, and we hope she gets in. It depends on the number of applicants and such, but it just felt right to both of us.

We got rid of some major clutter! Our living room looks so much more spacious now. Still some decluttering to go, but we're getting there.

Riley did not get elected to council, but she's okay with it, and I consider it a "win" that she went for it at all.

Instead of spending the Xmas money on clothes, I bought a new office chair for my PC desk at home, and an iHome dock to the most out of my music. And am enjoying them immensely. (Besides, my attempts to buy clothes just didn't work out. I seem to be between sizes and just couldn't find anything that I loved.)

I'm finding a new rhythm to life, a slow and steady process that is leading to more and more days of feeling like progress is being made, and that I still have time to enjoy my favorite leisure activities. This will sound touchy-feely gross, but I feel like I'm listening to my inner self more to do what's best for me. And the girls, of course.