Well, first is not exactly true, but it's the first since Riley started kindergarten. And it's the first time I'm beginning to understand Empty Nest syndrome.
Often, in the difficult times, the thought of the girls being out on their own was the goal that kept me going! Not that I don't love being their mother, but to me, the true pay-off of the role is knowing that they're out there, doing what I raised them to do. I love that image in my head of years from now, enjoying each other's company as adults, all of us. So to me, that Empty Nest thing just didn't make a lot of sense. Until this week.
Friday night, to be exact. We'd planned a family movie night. At the end of another busy week, it was going to be our chance to just chill together. I was really looking forward to that. But when I was picking the girls up from the Club, Sylvia asked if she could stay for Teen Night. I had no real reason to say no, so I let her stay.
Our family movie night isn't that important, but I still felt that sense of loss from her choosing to do something else. I don't blame her for it, and I know it wasn't personal, but it was that realization of her world expanding. She's started talking on the phone more, texting her friends more than me, and when I picked her up, she wasn't full of details of her night.
I know she was safe, I know it's perfectly normal for her to start having some privacy in her life. She isn't intentionally keeping things from me and she's entitled to not share everything with me. But there is that sense of a small hole in my heart. That there is going to be more and more in her life that doesn't include me.
When Riley and I got home without Sylvia that night, Riley chose to enjoy spending time in her room without her sister. She's getting older, too. She needs her own space that doesn't include me or her sister. Again, I don't begrudge her that. But I was prepared to enjoy a night with my family, and instead, I was left wondering what to do with myself.
Not to sound too maudlin, I didn't lose it or anything. I managed just fine, and we did enjoy some family time over the weekend. I know this is not the end of the world, merely an adjustment. It is just another step on the way to that ultimate goal of them having full lives as independent adults. And more proof that as soon as I think I've got this motherhood thing figured out, it ups and changes on me as the girls continue to grow.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Our Glass Houses
Emma Donoghue's Room
examines just a few short weeks in a 5-year-old boy's life. On Jack's 5th birthday, he wakes up in the Room that is all that he is ever known. His mother was kidnapped 7 years earlier, and Jack has only known this Room since the day he was born.
There is a gripping escape, and the second half of the book follows Jack and his Ma's struggles to adapt to the Outside world. Ma loses it when her entire life is being questioned in a TV interview.
The Outside world is eager to judge, demonize, and idolize the heroes and villains that are mere human beings. As much as Jack's Ma is considering a heroine, she is still questioned and judged for every decision she has made from the discovery that she was pregnant with Jack through his five years of life.
What mother among us could survive that kind of scrutiny?
When my daughters were younger, just the stress of worrying how they might behave once Outside, in the grocery store, was exhausting. Would my toddler have a fit? When they were too big to sit in the cart, would they stay with me? Would I be judged harshly if one of them ended up in tears?
My girls are, for the most part, happy and well-behaved children. But they have their moments, and I absolutely hate it when these moments are in public. I am sure that everyone around is judging me as a bad mom.
When I see a mother struggling with a crying child in the grocery store, I want to give her a hug. I want her to know that it's okay, that I'm not judging her. That I'm willing to give this family the benefit of the doubt that they just might be having a bad day.
Having put my daughters in therapy at relatively young ages, I have had to answer some hard questions about their lives, about my X, about our routines and my discipline techniques. I remember once feeling so small because a therapist commented on us moving around so much. What I heard was, "you're not providing a stable home for your children." And that almost broke me. I cried in the car, I cried at work, I cried at night after my children were asleep. My brain kept repeating, "I'm failing them, I'm failing them, I'm failing them."
But there are also so many beautiful moments that no one else sees. All of us belting out a favorite song in the car, moments where we crack each other up, moments where we hold hands for no other reason than to feel connected to one another. And catching my daughters sharing beloved moments as sisters is one of my favorite things of all.
I felt incredibly ill-equipped to take on this task of motherhood. It got that much harder when I took on the role of single parenting.
But last night, as we were talking about why X didn't have shared custody, why I made the decisions I did, Sylvia told me, "I guess it ended up being a good thing, because my life is kind of awesome."
I can breathe now. I can feel that we're going to get through this. I wept; I couldn't help it. All those years of feeling inadequate, all those years of feeling stressed and completely overwhelmed, and not nearly qualified. All of the questions I've had to answer, and those answers that I gave and then questioned, and all of the time-outs and squeezing just another ounce of patience for these beings that I love so fiercely...in that one moment of hearing my daughter call her life awesome, it was all so worth it.
I may have been the only one to hear it, and she might say something with too much attitude to me tonight in public, and I will still wonder what other people think of our family. But deep down, I will know that we are going to be just fine.
Read more posts on Room at the book club site, From Left to Write.
While I was given the book to read for free, I have not been compensated for this post.The link to the book is connected to my Amazon Associates account, and any purchase made from it will generate a small referral fee for me.
examines just a few short weeks in a 5-year-old boy's life. On Jack's 5th birthday, he wakes up in the Room that is all that he is ever known. His mother was kidnapped 7 years earlier, and Jack has only known this Room since the day he was born. There is a gripping escape, and the second half of the book follows Jack and his Ma's struggles to adapt to the Outside world. Ma loses it when her entire life is being questioned in a TV interview.
The Outside world is eager to judge, demonize, and idolize the heroes and villains that are mere human beings. As much as Jack's Ma is considering a heroine, she is still questioned and judged for every decision she has made from the discovery that she was pregnant with Jack through his five years of life.
What mother among us could survive that kind of scrutiny?
When my daughters were younger, just the stress of worrying how they might behave once Outside, in the grocery store, was exhausting. Would my toddler have a fit? When they were too big to sit in the cart, would they stay with me? Would I be judged harshly if one of them ended up in tears?
My girls are, for the most part, happy and well-behaved children. But they have their moments, and I absolutely hate it when these moments are in public. I am sure that everyone around is judging me as a bad mom.
When I see a mother struggling with a crying child in the grocery store, I want to give her a hug. I want her to know that it's okay, that I'm not judging her. That I'm willing to give this family the benefit of the doubt that they just might be having a bad day.
Having put my daughters in therapy at relatively young ages, I have had to answer some hard questions about their lives, about my X, about our routines and my discipline techniques. I remember once feeling so small because a therapist commented on us moving around so much. What I heard was, "you're not providing a stable home for your children." And that almost broke me. I cried in the car, I cried at work, I cried at night after my children were asleep. My brain kept repeating, "I'm failing them, I'm failing them, I'm failing them."
But there are also so many beautiful moments that no one else sees. All of us belting out a favorite song in the car, moments where we crack each other up, moments where we hold hands for no other reason than to feel connected to one another. And catching my daughters sharing beloved moments as sisters is one of my favorite things of all.
I felt incredibly ill-equipped to take on this task of motherhood. It got that much harder when I took on the role of single parenting.
But last night, as we were talking about why X didn't have shared custody, why I made the decisions I did, Sylvia told me, "I guess it ended up being a good thing, because my life is kind of awesome."
I can breathe now. I can feel that we're going to get through this. I wept; I couldn't help it. All those years of feeling inadequate, all those years of feeling stressed and completely overwhelmed, and not nearly qualified. All of the questions I've had to answer, and those answers that I gave and then questioned, and all of the time-outs and squeezing just another ounce of patience for these beings that I love so fiercely...in that one moment of hearing my daughter call her life awesome, it was all so worth it.
I may have been the only one to hear it, and she might say something with too much attitude to me tonight in public, and I will still wonder what other people think of our family. But deep down, I will know that we are going to be just fine.
Read more posts on Room at the book club site, From Left to Write.
While I was given the book to read for free, I have not been compensated for this post.The link to the book is connected to my Amazon Associates account, and any purchase made from it will generate a small referral fee for me.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
The Preamble to Putting it Together
I'm still processing, still operating on a minute by hour basis. I start the day with plans of what I'll get accomplished, but get caught up in trying to respond to the most immediate needs and requests. I think, just deal with this now, and then I won't have to worry about it. The "do it now" policy. But sometimes, the requests come in faster than I can deal with them and I find myself at the end of the day realizing I never got to my to-do list.
But I'm not beating myself over it. Being in this processing frame of mind means I'm taking all these things in, and figuring out how to change my routines, my operating procedures for the long term to maximize results. I am hoping that by really thinking about these things, then when I do start making changes, they will be easier to implement and stick with them.
Along with this process, it seems every day that the world is getting smaller. On this last week of performances, a cast member remembered that we'd worked together back when I was in high school! And a friend saw that I was FB friends with one of her friends. More and more, these different worlds of mine are finding their cohesive balance. And that gives me hope that I really can balance all of this.
Instead of thinking of all these things as different, as things that need to be juggled, I'm finding the connections within them.
I know, this is all a bit vague, but I'm hoping that this post will soon be followed up with more concrete answers!
But I'm not beating myself over it. Being in this processing frame of mind means I'm taking all these things in, and figuring out how to change my routines, my operating procedures for the long term to maximize results. I am hoping that by really thinking about these things, then when I do start making changes, they will be easier to implement and stick with them.
Along with this process, it seems every day that the world is getting smaller. On this last week of performances, a cast member remembered that we'd worked together back when I was in high school! And a friend saw that I was FB friends with one of her friends. More and more, these different worlds of mine are finding their cohesive balance. And that gives me hope that I really can balance all of this.
Instead of thinking of all these things as different, as things that need to be juggled, I'm finding the connections within them.
I know, this is all a bit vague, but I'm hoping that this post will soon be followed up with more concrete answers!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
More on education
Specifically, homework tips for teachers from this parent over at Parentella.
So much for blogging more - time is not on my side these days!
So much for blogging more - time is not on my side these days!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Education: We Are All part of the Problem
I'm surprised that before seeing this movie, I never thought about the fact that test-taking companies (those that administer the state standardized tests, the AP tests, the SATs, etc.) are making billions of dollars. In the last 20 years, the tutoring industry has also become a billion dollar business. There are business owners literally banking on the fact that our students will not be able to perform at what is considered an acceptable level without outside help.
Before getting any deeper into the weeds, I want to address the question of whether or not education should be considered a right or a privilege. If parents can be penalized criminally if our children miss more than 3 days in a school year, then that argument is moot. Our citizens are actually required to be educated.
Moving beyond that into the argument of whether or not such requirement is an unfunded mandate; well, as things are these days, it is mostly an unfunded mandate.
However, the more important argument should be, at what cost?
Having an educated citizenry can only benefit our country. When we look at what makes us proud to be an American, we look first at our people and what we've accomplished. We look at landing on the moon first as one of our greatest achievements. That simply could not have happened without well-educated, creative thinkers able to see what could be possible.
We start to go off the rails when we assume that everyone needs to be good at everything. We lose credibility when we state unequivocally that everyone should go to college. There will always be a need for a working class. We rely heavily on service industries. That's fine. I have no issue with that. I believe that some people work to live, and some live to work, and that in the end, we mostly balance it all out.
However, when we criminalize parents for taking their children on vacation, something is very, very wrong. Many districts are beginning to do just that. In our district (and in others that I know of), children that have missed more than 3 days of school in the entire year are reported to a truancy officer, where both the children and the parents are held liable. 3 days out of 180 is simply absurd! And let's not forget that we've already de-valued education by adding furlough days. So, the families are held to a higher standard than our government?
It's criminal not because the state is quick to punish parents, but because of the money that the school loses for each absent pupil per day.
Unfortunately, there are other special interests that capitalize upon the education machine. Yes, I'm talking about teacher's unions, and a few educational associations that do not always have our students' best interests at heart. And of course, there are some parents groups and administrators that seem more interested in exercising power than quality education. In many ways, public education has already been privatized.
No one is free from fault, and no one person, sector, organization, or business is entirely to blame, either.
I recognize that I'm part of the problem, too. Sometimes, I allow the grading game to get the best of me. Sometimes, I've been guilty of putting too much emphasis on Riley's abilities in Math and Science, rather than on her qualities as a kind, thoughtful person. I have allowed my displeasure to make Sylvia feel bad about herself instead of recognizing a bad test score as a challenge to be overcome. I have fought some battles for them that probably should have been fought by them.
And to be fair, everyone involved most likely has just as good intentions as I do. I'm sure the test taking companies feel they are providing a valuable service and contributing in a meaningful way to the educational process. Teachers want to make a difference. But we all get paralyzed by our fears.
I fear that I will be perceived as an apathetic, or worse, bad parent. Teachers fear for their jobs. Administrators fear that District mandates will impede their process. And so on and so forth. I don't think very many good decisions are made based in fear.
So we need to move past those fears, recognize our own faults, and go back to our idealism a little bit. We need to believe that we can make a difference. We need to maintain a healthy perspective on the ultimate goals, and the ultimate prizes at stake. We all need to do better, and we need to do it now.
Image: Race to Nowhere
Monday, September 20, 2010
Single, but not alone
This post is in celebration of National Unmarried and Singles Week.
After taking Bella DePaulo's Are You Single at Heart, I realized that I probably am.
Now let me just throw in the disclaimer: this isn't to disparage marriage or coupling, but to contribute to the voices that are saying, I'd rather end up single.
It was hard to admit this at first because it seemed to go so against the grain of what we're supposed to want. It has helped that I have found a community of others that feel the same way.
As I've mentioned, Bella DePaulo is not just "among" those, but my personal hero. Her articles both at Psychology Today and now on her personal blog are great resources, particularly when single parents are being demonized in the political arena! I am grateful for her ability to use her passions to create rational arguments. It's a gift I don't have, and knowing she has my back is of great comfort to me.
I can't remember how I first "met" Rachel Buddeberg, but I'm grateful that our paths continue to intertwine. As Bella has identified her, she is rising in the ranks in her role as a single-minded change agent, and I'm giddy to say I knew her when!
Alternatives to Marriage Project is an amazing organization, doing great things for the unmarried and singles. It's a simple mission, really. Do not penalize those who have decided not to join the "institution" of marriage. They are working to create equal opportunities for those of us who might need a loved one that isn't a spouse to care for us in the hospital, to keep federal funds from being bribes for marriage, and like Bella, standing up when someone calls us a "national disaster."
Footloose Femails is an email group of happily unmarried women. We celebrate one another's accomplishments, support one another in times of need, share laughter, talk about home-buying, single women in the news, and vent off some steam in the face of singlism. Basically, an awesome group of amazing, accomplished women from all around the world of which I'm proud to be a part.
As you can see, I am far from alone. But I'm proud to be happily single!
After taking Bella DePaulo's Are You Single at Heart, I realized that I probably am.
Now let me just throw in the disclaimer: this isn't to disparage marriage or coupling, but to contribute to the voices that are saying, I'd rather end up single.
It was hard to admit this at first because it seemed to go so against the grain of what we're supposed to want. It has helped that I have found a community of others that feel the same way.
As I've mentioned, Bella DePaulo is not just "among" those, but my personal hero. Her articles both at Psychology Today and now on her personal blog are great resources, particularly when single parents are being demonized in the political arena! I am grateful for her ability to use her passions to create rational arguments. It's a gift I don't have, and knowing she has my back is of great comfort to me.
I can't remember how I first "met" Rachel Buddeberg, but I'm grateful that our paths continue to intertwine. As Bella has identified her, she is rising in the ranks in her role as a single-minded change agent, and I'm giddy to say I knew her when!
Alternatives to Marriage Project is an amazing organization, doing great things for the unmarried and singles. It's a simple mission, really. Do not penalize those who have decided not to join the "institution" of marriage. They are working to create equal opportunities for those of us who might need a loved one that isn't a spouse to care for us in the hospital, to keep federal funds from being bribes for marriage, and like Bella, standing up when someone calls us a "national disaster."
Footloose Femails is an email group of happily unmarried women. We celebrate one another's accomplishments, support one another in times of need, share laughter, talk about home-buying, single women in the news, and vent off some steam in the face of singlism. Basically, an awesome group of amazing, accomplished women from all around the world of which I'm proud to be a part.
As you can see, I am far from alone. But I'm proud to be happily single!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Weekend Wrap-Up: Information Overload
There is so much I want to say, but I can't focus my thoughts just yet.
I saw Race to Nowhere, and I strongly recommend this movie for anyone who cares about education. There was a Q & A after the screening with filmmaker, Vicki Abeles, who is committed to engaging in an education revolution. I'll definitely be writing more about it, both here and at Parentella.
I had my first Leadership class, and it was quite the eye-opener for me. I said recently that I didn't feel right about talking about how much I've accomplished, and realized it's because I'm ready to do more. I don't mean this moment; I still have a lot of things going on, but this year will be about formulating a plan for myself.
Sylvia's show has been going great! This Friday night, her fellow dancers from the Club came and Sylvia was absolutely gleeful! They loved the show, and were so proud of her for being a part of it. Some friends from my work also came, and had a good time as well. It was an exciting night.
I'm still in the midst of processing most of what happened last week. I thought I would be bursting to write this weekend, but mainly, I've just been exhausted. I'm really hoping that this coming week is a tad quieter to allow for some time of reflection.
Oh, one more thing!! This week is National Unmarried and Singles Week! Single Women Rule is hosting a blog crawl. The first post comes from Nicky Grist, Executive Director of Alternatives to Marriage Project. Why is there a National Unmarried and Singles Week? Bella DePaulo and Rachel Buddenburg explain at The Huffington Post.
I saw Race to Nowhere, and I strongly recommend this movie for anyone who cares about education. There was a Q & A after the screening with filmmaker, Vicki Abeles, who is committed to engaging in an education revolution. I'll definitely be writing more about it, both here and at Parentella.
I had my first Leadership class, and it was quite the eye-opener for me. I said recently that I didn't feel right about talking about how much I've accomplished, and realized it's because I'm ready to do more. I don't mean this moment; I still have a lot of things going on, but this year will be about formulating a plan for myself.
Sylvia's show has been going great! This Friday night, her fellow dancers from the Club came and Sylvia was absolutely gleeful! They loved the show, and were so proud of her for being a part of it. Some friends from my work also came, and had a good time as well. It was an exciting night.
I'm still in the midst of processing most of what happened last week. I thought I would be bursting to write this weekend, but mainly, I've just been exhausted. I'm really hoping that this coming week is a tad quieter to allow for some time of reflection.
Oh, one more thing!! This week is National Unmarried and Singles Week! Single Women Rule is hosting a blog crawl. The first post comes from Nicky Grist, Executive Director of Alternatives to Marriage Project. Why is there a National Unmarried and Singles Week? Bella DePaulo and Rachel Buddenburg explain at The Huffington Post.
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