I really wanted to like Laura Munson's This is Not the Story You Think It Is. I got halfway through the book before I gave up.
It's not that she treats those of us that are divorced like we're quitters, although of course, I have issues with that. Mainly, I couldn't get past her need for us to treat her without judgment, all the while judging everyone else.
And no, it wasn't the line that her friends who questioned her marriage are mostly divorced now. It was the line that she couldn't exercise her artistic needs through playing Marian the Librarian in a community theatre production of The Music Man.
I happened to read that line while waiting for my daughter to complete her audition for a community theatre production.
I grew up doing community theatre. I spent most of my childhood in rehearsal, in performances for community theatre productions. I loved every moment of it.
Community - it gave me one. Theatre - it gave me a form of artistic expression. Every role, every dance, every song taught me something about myself, about humanity and the best part was doing so as an ensemble, a community.
A community that didn't care what your background was, that was only mildly interested in your profession if it could help the theatre (you work in retail? Can you get us discounts on costumes? On sets?), and only cared if you were a minority for the sake of the play (great! Now we can do Dreamgirls!).
And yes, it is a place where you can find joy, find happiness. There's nothing like an Opening Night, where everyone celebrates their hard work and accomplishments to give a high like no substance can. There's nothing like looking down from the bright lights during the curtain call to see your loved ones applauding you to buoy your self-esteem. There's nothing like a cast toast at the Opening Night party where everyone can appreciate how the community came together to make something magical.
Not to mention, she could have saved a lot of money on that trip to Italy. A trip to a community theatre can take you there, or to Paris, or to middle America, and find beauty, love, and triumph.
I'm happy for Munson that it all worked out. And I'm happy for my daughter that she will be a part of community theatre.
Read more posts on the book at the new book club site, From Left to Write.
While I was given the book to read for free, I have not been compensated for this post.The link to the book is connected to my Amazon Associates account, and any purchase made from it will generate a small referral fee for me.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
More on Online Safety
Until the mother found their daughter had hung herself in her room. They learned later that she had sent a picture of herself unclothed to a guy. That guy passed it on until eventually, it was on the internet.
In the discussion that followed, they talked about the moments that might have changed the outcome. If the boy that had received the photo had not forwarded it; if someone that received it had told his parents or her parents; and, of course, if she had never sent it.
The Yahoo! experts have broken down the issue to 3 C's: keep Current, keep Communicating, keep Checking.
Keep Current: As with everything, education is our most powerful tool for parents. We need to know the capabilities of the latest technology, the popular sites, the lingo, and utilize what we can to keep our children safe from the first time they explore the web until they're 18.
Keep Communicating: As they get older, the conversation needs to grow with them. When they're young, the most common fears are cyber-predators and cyberbullying. The conversation cannot end when they reach their teen years. Both girls and boys need to be aware of the possible legal consequences to their actions. They should be thinking about how what they post can affect their lives later. Employers are googling applicants now. When they're in college, they should avoid posting pics of their beer pong parties. They also need to be aware of what their friends are posting. I suggest setting up a daily search alert for their names, their schools and any organizations in which they are active.
Keep Checking: Keep checking their web history, their pictures and videos, their calling history for any odd area codes. If they're not following the rules, then their technology privileges can be taken away. A cell phone is not a right, and most kids simply don't need the latest and greatest technology out there.
I still had one burning question, which I discussed with fellow Mother Board members at dinner. What do I do if the worst happens?
Because let's face it, teenagers do things behind our backs. I can do everything in my power to prevent problems, but I also want to make sure that any mistakes they make aren't irreparable.
In the event that a picture or something is out there that my daughter does not want the world to see, she will know that she can come to me and we will work together to remove it as best as we can. We will call those that have access to it, and their parents, and we will come together to minimize the damage as best we can.
I hope, of course, that it never comes to that, but I feel a little better at least having a plan in the worst case scenario.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Weekend Wrap-Up: #ymotherboard
What a glorious weekend! Yahoo treated us like royalty; from our fabulous rooms at the Four Seasons Palo Alto, where everything and everyone was impeccable, to the purple carpet roll-out to food, food, and drink; that alone was amazing. What really made the Yahoo! Mother Board summit were the Mother Board members: smart, funny, incredible women who inspire me.
I was already excited to spend time with the women I already know and love: the LA contingent. From left to right, MarVistaMom (and thanks for this pic, Sarah), The GoToMom, YvonneinLA, sweatpantsmom, me, Elise and SoCalMom.
The girls and I flew up together and got to ride in the car Yahoo! had arranged for us to get to the hotel. Their aunt picked them up from there, and I went up to admire the room.
It was beyond gorgeous! Huge flat-screen TV, the necessary coffee, a Boss stereo where I could hook in my iPod, a lovely enormous bath, a separate gorgeous shower, and the mother of all indulgences, a TV perfectly suited for bath viewing! And that was the first thing I did.
I ran into Elise, Yvonne and Sarah in the lobby, and joined them for lunch in downtown Palo Alto at Joya, where everything was exquisite, but I fell hard for their Kobe mini-burgers with chorizo. YUM!
After a stop at Starbucks, we ended up walking back to the hotel. From the lovely downtown area to the residential area, everything was gorgeous.
Our first event was a cocktail party at the hotel's pool. Again, great food, and even better, yummy cocktails. The party continued well after cocktail hour at the hotel's bar and at a crafting party. I started meeting the other mothers, including the fabulous Glennia, hooeycritic, Meagan Francis, and too many others.
On Friday morning, we arrived at Yahoo! headquarters, where we took the purple carpet to our summit. There was breakfast waiting for us, and we spent the rest of the day in conference. They also included plenty of breaks, each one with yet more food! I'll write more about the actual conferences later, but we learned more about Flickr, Shine, Yahoo! Green, Yahoo for Good, cybersafety, blogging & SEO tips, and great stuff to come.
After meeting and learning so much from all the great people at Yahoo, we were taken to Nola's for dinner (where the picture above was taken). We had that second floor all to ourselves, and had a great time.
Glennia had arranged for a private room in a Korean Karaoke joint, where a bunch of us made fools of ourselves, and laughed at the videos where someone always dies a gruesome in a B movie kind of way.
On Saturday, we all parted ways, and I joined the girls' aunt and their cousins. We went to see a movie, which was so bad I kept falling asleep, but the kids loved it, and then back to their aunt's house. This is my X's sister. She's an amazing and lovely woman and we had a nice chat while the kids enjoyed the last of their time together. She has one daughter Riley's age, and a son a little bit younger. She said when they got together, even though it's been two years, it was like a minute had just passed, and they immediately had a great time playing together. She took them all to Great America on Friday, and it sounds like they spent the rest of the time swimming.
Their father did show up on Thursday night after dinner, but not for long. He told them he'd be back on Friday night for dinner, but then said he had to work, and then did the same thing again on Saturday. They took it all in stride. As Riley was telling me how he didn't show up on Friday night, Sylvia said, "I told you not to count on it." It broke my heart all while I was so proud of her for understanding that about X now. He said he had to work, which just makes me nauseous. Most times, when fathers have to work, their children enjoy the benefits. So I guess I can be expecting a child support payment any day now, right? Don't worry, I'm not holding my breath. They've kept their comments to, "at least we got to see him," and certainly didn't let it interfere with enjoying the time with their relatives.
We were all happy to come home. And Riley's just spilled cereal all over the place. Ah, yes. We're back to reality!
The girls and I flew up together and got to ride in the car Yahoo! had arranged for us to get to the hotel. Their aunt picked them up from there, and I went up to admire the room.
It was beyond gorgeous! Huge flat-screen TV, the necessary coffee, a Boss stereo where I could hook in my iPod, a lovely enormous bath, a separate gorgeous shower, and the mother of all indulgences, a TV perfectly suited for bath viewing! And that was the first thing I did.
I ran into Elise, Yvonne and Sarah in the lobby, and joined them for lunch in downtown Palo Alto at Joya, where everything was exquisite, but I fell hard for their Kobe mini-burgers with chorizo. YUM!
After a stop at Starbucks, we ended up walking back to the hotel. From the lovely downtown area to the residential area, everything was gorgeous.
Our first event was a cocktail party at the hotel's pool. Again, great food, and even better, yummy cocktails. The party continued well after cocktail hour at the hotel's bar and at a crafting party. I started meeting the other mothers, including the fabulous Glennia, hooeycritic, Meagan Francis, and too many others.
On Friday morning, we arrived at Yahoo! headquarters, where we took the purple carpet to our summit. There was breakfast waiting for us, and we spent the rest of the day in conference. They also included plenty of breaks, each one with yet more food! I'll write more about the actual conferences later, but we learned more about Flickr, Shine, Yahoo! Green, Yahoo for Good, cybersafety, blogging & SEO tips, and great stuff to come.
After meeting and learning so much from all the great people at Yahoo, we were taken to Nola's for dinner (where the picture above was taken). We had that second floor all to ourselves, and had a great time.
Glennia had arranged for a private room in a Korean Karaoke joint, where a bunch of us made fools of ourselves, and laughed at the videos where someone always dies a gruesome in a B movie kind of way.
On Saturday, we all parted ways, and I joined the girls' aunt and their cousins. We went to see a movie, which was so bad I kept falling asleep, but the kids loved it, and then back to their aunt's house. This is my X's sister. She's an amazing and lovely woman and we had a nice chat while the kids enjoyed the last of their time together. She has one daughter Riley's age, and a son a little bit younger. She said when they got together, even though it's been two years, it was like a minute had just passed, and they immediately had a great time playing together. She took them all to Great America on Friday, and it sounds like they spent the rest of the time swimming.
Their father did show up on Thursday night after dinner, but not for long. He told them he'd be back on Friday night for dinner, but then said he had to work, and then did the same thing again on Saturday. They took it all in stride. As Riley was telling me how he didn't show up on Friday night, Sylvia said, "I told you not to count on it." It broke my heart all while I was so proud of her for understanding that about X now. He said he had to work, which just makes me nauseous. Most times, when fathers have to work, their children enjoy the benefits. So I guess I can be expecting a child support payment any day now, right? Don't worry, I'm not holding my breath. They've kept their comments to, "at least we got to see him," and certainly didn't let it interfere with enjoying the time with their relatives.
We were all happy to come home. And Riley's just spilled cereal all over the place. Ah, yes. We're back to reality!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Travel Tips from my Mom
My mother, in addition to being a lady who lunches, is a frequent traveler. My parents, both retired, travel at the very least 4 times a year. Here's what she's taught me and the girls.
It starts with picking up 2 gallon ziploc bags (or, another brand). And yes, I know those aren't the best for the environment, but for these purposes, completely re-usable. Plus, I'm pretty sure you can buy biodegradable ones at Whole Foods/Trader Joe's.
Figure out how many outfits you need, and then pack everything (socks, underwear, pants, shirts, etc.) for that outfit in one bag. Folded nice and sucked of all air, it should all fit just fine except for sweaters and the like, which can be rolled to prevent wrinkling and save space.
My mother has traveled enough that she's built up her own supply of travel-size shampoos and other toiletries. Take those samples and you're set for your next trip that's not in a hotel! I'm also a big fan of taking the pens, too. Throw them in your purse, where you're most likely to next be searching for a pen.(Also, a nice memento to have around that just might make you smile unexpectedly.)
If your kids are younger, use this same philosophy of packing for them. If they're older, they will have so much fun doing this themselves! I don't think I've ever seen my girls tackle a chore with so much enthusiasm. I just had them show me each outfit before we packed them.
Since everyone's bags look alike these days, add a colored ribbon to make yours stand out on the baggage carousel. Or go ahead and let the kids get decorative with their stickers and patches.
Get something different for the kids to do on the road/on the plane than their usual. I've found some great age-appropriate travel activity books on Amazon
. And save another new activity for the ride home.
Try not to have too many surprises on the trip. My girls love to know the itinerary from what time we're leaving for the airport to what they'll be doing each day of the trip, and what time they get to go home. No matter how great a trip is, we are always ready to go home at the end of it. And don't overpack that schedule. The adrenaline, the newness will wear off. Even though my kids are too old for naps, we would all get exhausted in the afternoon during our NY trip, and spent about two hours in our hotel room between daytime and nighttime activities; one hour to veg, one hour to get ready for the next thing.
If you're a single parent, don't let all the "real families" scare you. While I've certainly had those moments, I finally realized, hey, I'm doing something that take most people two adults to carry off! I've also really enjoyed traveling with my parents. Not just for the help, but we'll often enjoy a glass of wine at the end of a travel night and talk, and that's really nice, too. When I'm alone, I'll have the wine, curl up with a book and revel in not having housework to do at the end of the day!
Finally, keep expectations in check. I can guarantee that not everything will go perfectly. Elevators will break, a meal will be disappointing, and of course, flights will be delayed. Don't let it ruin the trip for you. Find the humor in the situation and the smiles, laughter, and joy will follow.
It starts with picking up 2 gallon ziploc bags (or, another brand). And yes, I know those aren't the best for the environment, but for these purposes, completely re-usable. Plus, I'm pretty sure you can buy biodegradable ones at Whole Foods/Trader Joe's.
Figure out how many outfits you need, and then pack everything (socks, underwear, pants, shirts, etc.) for that outfit in one bag. Folded nice and sucked of all air, it should all fit just fine except for sweaters and the like, which can be rolled to prevent wrinkling and save space.
My mother has traveled enough that she's built up her own supply of travel-size shampoos and other toiletries. Take those samples and you're set for your next trip that's not in a hotel! I'm also a big fan of taking the pens, too. Throw them in your purse, where you're most likely to next be searching for a pen.(Also, a nice memento to have around that just might make you smile unexpectedly.)
If your kids are younger, use this same philosophy of packing for them. If they're older, they will have so much fun doing this themselves! I don't think I've ever seen my girls tackle a chore with so much enthusiasm. I just had them show me each outfit before we packed them.
Since everyone's bags look alike these days, add a colored ribbon to make yours stand out on the baggage carousel. Or go ahead and let the kids get decorative with their stickers and patches.
Get something different for the kids to do on the road/on the plane than their usual. I've found some great age-appropriate travel activity books on Amazon
. And save another new activity for the ride home.Try not to have too many surprises on the trip. My girls love to know the itinerary from what time we're leaving for the airport to what they'll be doing each day of the trip, and what time they get to go home. No matter how great a trip is, we are always ready to go home at the end of it. And don't overpack that schedule. The adrenaline, the newness will wear off. Even though my kids are too old for naps, we would all get exhausted in the afternoon during our NY trip, and spent about two hours in our hotel room between daytime and nighttime activities; one hour to veg, one hour to get ready for the next thing.
If you're a single parent, don't let all the "real families" scare you. While I've certainly had those moments, I finally realized, hey, I'm doing something that take most people two adults to carry off! I've also really enjoyed traveling with my parents. Not just for the help, but we'll often enjoy a glass of wine at the end of a travel night and talk, and that's really nice, too. When I'm alone, I'll have the wine, curl up with a book and revel in not having housework to do at the end of the day!
Finally, keep expectations in check. I can guarantee that not everything will go perfectly. Elevators will break, a meal will be disappointing, and of course, flights will be delayed. Don't let it ruin the trip for you. Find the humor in the situation and the smiles, laughter, and joy will follow.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Yahoo!
It's time. I'm off to the Yahoo! Mother Board summit. I am so very excited to see those that I know, and meet those that I don't. And abso-friggin-lutely looking forward to 2 days off from motherhood. To, you know, talk about being a mom!
It'll be even crazier, I think, than any PTA Convention. (If you've been, you know we fully take advantage of the bar at those, too!) There's talk of crafting parties, karaoke parties, not to mention the conferences, cocktail hour, and Ladies Night Out arranged by Yahoo!
We'll also be talking about social media, cyber safety, and, of course, Yahoo! products and services. We'll be Twittering the whole time, so please join the party virtually: #ymotherboard.
Is that not enough April while I'm gone? Fine, then, catch up with the continuing series of my story at Since My Divorce, and my latest rant at Parentella. Even I'm sick of me after all that!
I look forward to catching up with everyone soon.
It'll be even crazier, I think, than any PTA Convention. (If you've been, you know we fully take advantage of the bar at those, too!) There's talk of crafting parties, karaoke parties, not to mention the conferences, cocktail hour, and Ladies Night Out arranged by Yahoo!
We'll also be talking about social media, cyber safety, and, of course, Yahoo! products and services. We'll be Twittering the whole time, so please join the party virtually: #ymotherboard.
Is that not enough April while I'm gone? Fine, then, catch up with the continuing series of my story at Since My Divorce, and my latest rant at Parentella. Even I'm sick of me after all that!
I look forward to catching up with everyone soon.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Balancing the Parenting Emotions
New York Magazine's article, Why Parents Hate Parenting, has already sparked the blogosphere, and I'm kind of late to the party. Still, given that it comes so soon after my own meltdown about parenting, I think it's helped me find my balance again.
While I can and have readily admitted that parenting is hard, that sometimes it feels like it's sucking the last of my energy, I don't hate parenting. I don't regret anything about my life. Still, loving my life doesn't mean I love every single moment of it.
It would be easy to dismiss these findings that parents are less happy than non-parents as us parents being too self-absorbed and not wanting to make the sacrifices. I don't think this is the case for the majority of parents.
I think most of us want to do our very best, and when we fall short in our own eyes, that's upsetting. Not because we're failing ourselves, but because we're afraid we're failing our children.
My recent breakdown wasn't because I thought my kids were the problem, but because I was. Or I thought I was, I felt I was, whatever. I can't say my parenting has changed dramatically from then to now. It's mostly the same as it ever was: getting up every day, getting some things right and some things wrong. And, maddeningly, knowing that I won't really know the answers for years to come. See, because parenting isn't just about getting them through the day; it's about trying to give them the tools to go out into the world and being able to cope and overcome all the struggles that come their way. It's about hoping that they learn to love their lives the majority of the time. And I really won't know if I've done right by them until it's too late.
I don't know what they've taken away yet. I don't know what lessons have gotten through, and which ones they'll only learn by experiencing their own mistakes. I can see some things I don't like about myself in them and I want them to overcome those better than I have.
It's not that I hate parenting; it's about some of the ways that I parent that I hate.
Yet this article actually helped me. It helped me see that sometimes I get way too caught up in my head. It helped me see that not every moment has to be a teachable one. We can just be now and then.
Every day, through all of it, there have been moments where we simply enjoy each other's company. We laugh together, we sing together, we get silly together. Not a day goes by where we don't tell each other we love each other. No matter how many times we may make each other crazy, no matter how many times others may hurt one of us, we absolutely know we are there for each other. None of us are perfect, but we are unconditionally loved.
And sometimes, when I look into the future, I can see the three of us at some outdoor cafe, laughing and finishing each other's sentences and teasing each other like we do today. I can see us talking politics and Broadway musicals and friendships and loved ones and clothes. I have no doubt in our bond; I know that the three of us will be close forever.
The act of parenting may be hard and maddening and frustrating and test me harder than I ever imagined. Being a part of this family is worth all that and more.
While I can and have readily admitted that parenting is hard, that sometimes it feels like it's sucking the last of my energy, I don't hate parenting. I don't regret anything about my life. Still, loving my life doesn't mean I love every single moment of it.
It would be easy to dismiss these findings that parents are less happy than non-parents as us parents being too self-absorbed and not wanting to make the sacrifices. I don't think this is the case for the majority of parents.
I think most of us want to do our very best, and when we fall short in our own eyes, that's upsetting. Not because we're failing ourselves, but because we're afraid we're failing our children.
My recent breakdown wasn't because I thought my kids were the problem, but because I was. Or I thought I was, I felt I was, whatever. I can't say my parenting has changed dramatically from then to now. It's mostly the same as it ever was: getting up every day, getting some things right and some things wrong. And, maddeningly, knowing that I won't really know the answers for years to come. See, because parenting isn't just about getting them through the day; it's about trying to give them the tools to go out into the world and being able to cope and overcome all the struggles that come their way. It's about hoping that they learn to love their lives the majority of the time. And I really won't know if I've done right by them until it's too late.
I don't know what they've taken away yet. I don't know what lessons have gotten through, and which ones they'll only learn by experiencing their own mistakes. I can see some things I don't like about myself in them and I want them to overcome those better than I have.
It's not that I hate parenting; it's about some of the ways that I parent that I hate.
Yet this article actually helped me. It helped me see that sometimes I get way too caught up in my head. It helped me see that not every moment has to be a teachable one. We can just be now and then.
Every day, through all of it, there have been moments where we simply enjoy each other's company. We laugh together, we sing together, we get silly together. Not a day goes by where we don't tell each other we love each other. No matter how many times we may make each other crazy, no matter how many times others may hurt one of us, we absolutely know we are there for each other. None of us are perfect, but we are unconditionally loved.
And sometimes, when I look into the future, I can see the three of us at some outdoor cafe, laughing and finishing each other's sentences and teasing each other like we do today. I can see us talking politics and Broadway musicals and friendships and loved ones and clothes. I have no doubt in our bond; I know that the three of us will be close forever.
The act of parenting may be hard and maddening and frustrating and test me harder than I ever imagined. Being a part of this family is worth all that and more.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Middle School Girl Drama, Part 3,012
The drama with Sylvia's friends, whom we'll call A & T, have been going on for nearly 2 years now. Sylvia's known A & T for approximately 2 years now. A & T have been friends much longer, and Sylvia has wanted to make the best friendship go 3 ways.
My heart breaks for her, as it does as I've listened to nearly every episode of this Drama for the past 2 years. Sylvia's desperation for their friendship is transparent. I don't think either A or T are necessarily bad people, but they certainly know how to exercise their power over Sylvia. They know just how to make her cry, they know just how to make her happy, and they do.
Sometimes, I've just listened. Sometimes, I've engaged in Active Listening, mirroring her feelings back to her. Sometimes, I encourage her to talk to them about her feelings. In times of frustration, I've been guilty of telling her to just ignore them, too. I've told her to think about what their friendships mean to her, and to decide whether or not it was worth the continuing drama in order to keep their friendship. I've told her a version of "honey, they're just not that into you."
Today, as she was telling me the latest episode in the car on the way home, I wondered what to say this time. I didn't want to repeat anything that I've said before. More than anything, I just want it to stop hurting her so.
I'm lucky, I know, that I haven't yet witnessed my girls experiencing a physical pain that I cannot stop. I don't even want to think about that because it's hard enough to watch her cry over the names they've called her, the mean things they've said about her hair and her face, the fact that they won't give her their cell phone numbers.
She says she wants to talk to them tomorrow. I ask, "what do you want to say to them?" "I want to tell them that I know what they've been saying about me."
Ah, that's the other wrinkle. Because a lot of it is hearsay. And while I do believe these girls are saying these things about her (because I myself have seen enough of their actions around her to buy it), I don't want this "talk" to become a verbal fight between the girls. They've all talked to staff members, they even had someone come in and talk to the girls about "Mean Girls" in general (which led to quite a few kids apologizing to Sylvia, BTW), but enough is enough.
So I offered another alternative. I told her that all she needs to say is that she's done. She knows they're not friends and that's that.
Of course, she didn't like that. She wanted to move instead. (Amidst my wry amusement that she thinks it's that time of year again rears my maternal guilt that somehow, they think that moving is the solution.) I let her get some emotions out.
I then pulled out the greatest hits. We don't let other people run our lives like that. We can be in the same environment with people without having to be best friends. I gave a few examples; of someone I know at work that she knows I'm not crazy about, but that I'm not rude to them. I just don't offer any personal information about my life to them. I can be in the same room with them, I can answer questions and even be in a group social setting with them, but they will never be allowed to hurt me because I won't let them get that close.
She seemed to be listening. There was silence for a few moments, and then I added, "And I'm sorry. That sucks."
She changed the subject, we were home soon, and we had a peaceful night at home. She told me she loved me quite a few times. She gave me hugs, and sat next to me on the couch while we watched a stupid TV show together.
I don't know what she'll do tomorrow. I can only do so much, and she will have to do what feels right for her.
My heart breaks for her, as it does as I've listened to nearly every episode of this Drama for the past 2 years. Sylvia's desperation for their friendship is transparent. I don't think either A or T are necessarily bad people, but they certainly know how to exercise their power over Sylvia. They know just how to make her cry, they know just how to make her happy, and they do.
Sometimes, I've just listened. Sometimes, I've engaged in Active Listening, mirroring her feelings back to her. Sometimes, I encourage her to talk to them about her feelings. In times of frustration, I've been guilty of telling her to just ignore them, too. I've told her to think about what their friendships mean to her, and to decide whether or not it was worth the continuing drama in order to keep their friendship. I've told her a version of "honey, they're just not that into you."
Today, as she was telling me the latest episode in the car on the way home, I wondered what to say this time. I didn't want to repeat anything that I've said before. More than anything, I just want it to stop hurting her so.
I'm lucky, I know, that I haven't yet witnessed my girls experiencing a physical pain that I cannot stop. I don't even want to think about that because it's hard enough to watch her cry over the names they've called her, the mean things they've said about her hair and her face, the fact that they won't give her their cell phone numbers.
She says she wants to talk to them tomorrow. I ask, "what do you want to say to them?" "I want to tell them that I know what they've been saying about me."
Ah, that's the other wrinkle. Because a lot of it is hearsay. And while I do believe these girls are saying these things about her (because I myself have seen enough of their actions around her to buy it), I don't want this "talk" to become a verbal fight between the girls. They've all talked to staff members, they even had someone come in and talk to the girls about "Mean Girls" in general (which led to quite a few kids apologizing to Sylvia, BTW), but enough is enough.
So I offered another alternative. I told her that all she needs to say is that she's done. She knows they're not friends and that's that.
Of course, she didn't like that. She wanted to move instead. (Amidst my wry amusement that she thinks it's that time of year again rears my maternal guilt that somehow, they think that moving is the solution.) I let her get some emotions out.
I then pulled out the greatest hits. We don't let other people run our lives like that. We can be in the same environment with people without having to be best friends. I gave a few examples; of someone I know at work that she knows I'm not crazy about, but that I'm not rude to them. I just don't offer any personal information about my life to them. I can be in the same room with them, I can answer questions and even be in a group social setting with them, but they will never be allowed to hurt me because I won't let them get that close.
She seemed to be listening. There was silence for a few moments, and then I added, "And I'm sorry. That sucks."
She changed the subject, we were home soon, and we had a peaceful night at home. She told me she loved me quite a few times. She gave me hugs, and sat next to me on the couch while we watched a stupid TV show together.
I don't know what she'll do tomorrow. I can only do so much, and she will have to do what feels right for her.
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