A reader de-lurked in a big way. She wrote about my blog in her Examiner article. She's been writing a series, featuring single mom bloggers. I'm honored to be among them.
And it makes me so excited about the community of single mom writers that is bursting. I remember when I first started reading blogs how hard it was to find other single moms. Now, I can't keep up with them all.
MindyMom recently posted about the single mom/punching bag syndrome that occurs.
We keep writing. We keep reading. We keep standing up and letting our voices be heard.
And I can't write this without acknowledging the non-single moms that still come by here. The dads, the married moms, the ones that come here for the musical theatre posts (okay, the one that comes here for those!). I appreciate your willingness to hear a different point of view. The single parents are still a minority in the parenting world, and it is your willingness to stand by and support us that will, in the end, make the difference. The suffragettes didn't get anywhere until some men were willing to stand with them. And it's why, as a straight person, I feel such an obligation to stand with and fight for the gay rights movement.
We need to support one another, be subject to one another.
It's why this honor of being recognized is so special to me. To feel that I am a part of this. And if you're reading this, so are you.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
The X Chronicles
What follows is the links to various posts I've written about dealing with my X (and if I'm on top of things, I'll update this list on an ongoing basis):
My Story
To My Fellow Single Mothers
Ex Communication
Weekend Visitation
Bring on the Morphine
Xhausting Visits
The Birthday Party Episode
ThanXgiving
X Meets the Neighbors
The X Gets the Apartment Building
The Promises X Can't Keep
Less Than SiX Months
Mother'X Day
Xmas Vacation
Xummer
The Last Five Yearx
Speaking of Progress...
My Story
To My Fellow Single Mothers
Ex Communication
Weekend Visitation
Bring on the Morphine
Xhausting Visits
The Birthday Party Episode
ThanXgiving
X Meets the Neighbors
The X Gets the Apartment Building
The Promises X Can't Keep
Less Than SiX Months
Mother'X Day
Xmas Vacation
Xummer
The Last Five Yearx
Speaking of Progress...
Speaking of Progress...(an X Chronicles post)
About the time I met Kori and the others, I struggled a lot with how to deal with X - and, more specifically, how to let the girls see X.
All the divorce advice says that you can't let your own failed relationship interfere with your children's relationship with the other parent. We're told that we shouldn't bad-mouth our ex. Co-parenting is the new pc word for divorced parents.
That's all well and good when both parents are willing to work at it. That's all well and good if you didn't divorce an addict (that's not in recovery).
The trouble with that for my family is that all the reasons for leaving him are reasons to keep him far, far away from the girls. I mean, really, how many experts would advise that you should let your kids spend time with crack-addict jailbirds?
Still, the question of a summer visit came up this weekend. (Two weeks before the girls' summer vacation is over, but still summer.)
Sylvia told me that last week, X had mentioned having the girls come up for their grandfather's birthday. I told her that I didn't know anything about this, and that I would have to approve of everything.
The girls are familiar with some of the rules required already: he can't drive them anywhere, since he doesn't have a valid driver's license, and he can't be the one in charge. One of his sisters usually takes on that task.
So this last Saturday, X called and spoke to the girls first, then wanted to speak to me. He said it was too late to get the cheap flights (um, yeah, that's what happens when you wait until the week before), but could his new roommate, who is a limo driver, drive down with X and bring the girls back up to Northern California. No. I don't know this guy, I don't even know if this person exists, no. Well, if he gets them up there somehow, could the girls stay for the last week of their summer vacation? No! They have field trips scheduled nearly every day that I've already paid for. X offers to cover the cost. I don't bother pointing out that I have absolutely no faith in his word. I simply say, no.
I do point out that we're not just sitting here, waiting for him to call. We have a life going here!
X says that he'll call on Sunday. Fine. Whatever.
X finally does call at 8 pm on Sunday night. Could he drive down with this friend (the one that I still don't know) and stay somewhere with the girls for the weekend? No. Could he do so if his mom comes down? I like his mom, but I know she can't drive, either (health issues). No. Could he come down and meet us at a mall? No. At a park? No. No. Forget the whole thing, X. It's not happening.
Now, for anyone who questions, why not meet him at a mall or a park and let him spend a few hours with the kids?
Well, because I know what would happen. I would be sitting in a parking lot, with two incredibly hyped up kids, waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And maybe X would show up, but maybe not. Certainly not on time.
So how long should one wait? 15 minutes? A half hour? An hour? If I leave too soon, then I'm the bad guy for not waiting longer. If we wait too long, then we're most likely getting baked in the car. Either way, I have crying girls to take home, and try to somehow make up for their father not showing up. And come up with answers to questions that have no answers.
Say he does show up. If we're at a mall, he'll have no money. If we're at a park, how long do I give them? He hasn't seen them in a year. Are two to three hours in a park really going to be sufficient for the girls? No.
He simply had not thought any of this through. So the answer was no.
And what was amazing for me was how easy it was for me to say. I didn't try explaining myself. I felt no guilt for denying the girls their father. If anything, I felt relief that the latest episode was almost over. Now all that was left was dealing with Sylvia.
He asked to speak to her, and I let him (without any words of how he should handle it). When they got off, Sylvia told me that he'd said it wasn't going to happen, that she was to send him her school schedule and let him know of any school events she had coming up.
I told her not to bother with telling him about the school events. I reminded her of the time he was 2 days late. I said that, as much as she would've loved having him at some of the events of the last year, she was never looking for him, hoping he would show up. She knew not to expect him, and she enjoyed all of the events without sorrow. She understood that.
She did cry a little, and say, "I miss him so much." I just held her and said, "I know, honey. I'm sorry it didn't work out." And I told her I would send him the school schedule so that he would at least know when she was in and out of school. She said thanks and we were done.
And so we have reached a year since the girls have last seen their dad. It hasn't been a completely X Drama Free year, but in the end, I think it has been best for the girls that the disappointments have been long distance.
A few months ago marked my sixth anniversary as a single mom. I've just gone through all the posts I've done as X Chronicles, and I know that this has been the most peaceful, for all of us. And amazingly, that coincides with the same year that gave me the most growth as a single mom, and a person.
Time will only tell if the same will be true of the girls. We'll still just keep taking it all as it comes.
All the divorce advice says that you can't let your own failed relationship interfere with your children's relationship with the other parent. We're told that we shouldn't bad-mouth our ex. Co-parenting is the new pc word for divorced parents.
That's all well and good when both parents are willing to work at it. That's all well and good if you didn't divorce an addict (that's not in recovery).
The trouble with that for my family is that all the reasons for leaving him are reasons to keep him far, far away from the girls. I mean, really, how many experts would advise that you should let your kids spend time with crack-addict jailbirds?
Still, the question of a summer visit came up this weekend. (Two weeks before the girls' summer vacation is over, but still summer.)
Sylvia told me that last week, X had mentioned having the girls come up for their grandfather's birthday. I told her that I didn't know anything about this, and that I would have to approve of everything.
The girls are familiar with some of the rules required already: he can't drive them anywhere, since he doesn't have a valid driver's license, and he can't be the one in charge. One of his sisters usually takes on that task.
So this last Saturday, X called and spoke to the girls first, then wanted to speak to me. He said it was too late to get the cheap flights (um, yeah, that's what happens when you wait until the week before), but could his new roommate, who is a limo driver, drive down with X and bring the girls back up to Northern California. No. I don't know this guy, I don't even know if this person exists, no. Well, if he gets them up there somehow, could the girls stay for the last week of their summer vacation? No! They have field trips scheduled nearly every day that I've already paid for. X offers to cover the cost. I don't bother pointing out that I have absolutely no faith in his word. I simply say, no.
I do point out that we're not just sitting here, waiting for him to call. We have a life going here!
X says that he'll call on Sunday. Fine. Whatever.
X finally does call at 8 pm on Sunday night. Could he drive down with this friend (the one that I still don't know) and stay somewhere with the girls for the weekend? No. Could he do so if his mom comes down? I like his mom, but I know she can't drive, either (health issues). No. Could he come down and meet us at a mall? No. At a park? No. No. Forget the whole thing, X. It's not happening.
Now, for anyone who questions, why not meet him at a mall or a park and let him spend a few hours with the kids?
Well, because I know what would happen. I would be sitting in a parking lot, with two incredibly hyped up kids, waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And maybe X would show up, but maybe not. Certainly not on time.
So how long should one wait? 15 minutes? A half hour? An hour? If I leave too soon, then I'm the bad guy for not waiting longer. If we wait too long, then we're most likely getting baked in the car. Either way, I have crying girls to take home, and try to somehow make up for their father not showing up. And come up with answers to questions that have no answers.
Say he does show up. If we're at a mall, he'll have no money. If we're at a park, how long do I give them? He hasn't seen them in a year. Are two to three hours in a park really going to be sufficient for the girls? No.
He simply had not thought any of this through. So the answer was no.
And what was amazing for me was how easy it was for me to say. I didn't try explaining myself. I felt no guilt for denying the girls their father. If anything, I felt relief that the latest episode was almost over. Now all that was left was dealing with Sylvia.
He asked to speak to her, and I let him (without any words of how he should handle it). When they got off, Sylvia told me that he'd said it wasn't going to happen, that she was to send him her school schedule and let him know of any school events she had coming up.
I told her not to bother with telling him about the school events. I reminded her of the time he was 2 days late. I said that, as much as she would've loved having him at some of the events of the last year, she was never looking for him, hoping he would show up. She knew not to expect him, and she enjoyed all of the events without sorrow. She understood that.
She did cry a little, and say, "I miss him so much." I just held her and said, "I know, honey. I'm sorry it didn't work out." And I told her I would send him the school schedule so that he would at least know when she was in and out of school. She said thanks and we were done.
And so we have reached a year since the girls have last seen their dad. It hasn't been a completely X Drama Free year, but in the end, I think it has been best for the girls that the disappointments have been long distance.
A few months ago marked my sixth anniversary as a single mom. I've just gone through all the posts I've done as X Chronicles, and I know that this has been the most peaceful, for all of us. And amazingly, that coincides with the same year that gave me the most growth as a single mom, and a person.
Time will only tell if the same will be true of the girls. We'll still just keep taking it all as it comes.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
When all else fails, blog about blogging
SV Moms (LA Moms parent group) has started a video series, Byte Out Of Life. Here's the video featuring Kim Tracy Prince from House of Prince (I had the pleasure of hanging out with her both at the LA Moms brunch and at the Tupperware party), and Donna Schwartz Mills from SoCal Mom (can we consider this the 3-named moms series?). I met Donna at the LA Moms launch party (but I was too shy to say more than a few greeting words to her).
Unlike Kim or Donna, I started blogging with the hope of finding a community. Kori, Julie, and FreedomFirst and I had all been part of a moms community that has since closed shop and found that we had much more to say. Through that, I met so many, including Florinda, who brought me into the LA Moms group. Through LA Moms, I met Jessica Gottlieb, and Jessica just recommended me for another website. Through the single mom blogging community, I got the opportunity to be the LA Single Parenting Examiner.
These benefits; the friends, the outings, the opportunities to write more, aren't just valuable for those reasons alone, though.
The real benefit has been the inner changes.
At the time I started this blog, I already had a couple of years of single parenting under my belt. I'd even managed to complete my bachelor's degree. I was in the process of making changes to benefit Sylvia's education.
Yet at the time, I could see none of these accomplishments. I was still very angry and bitter. I loved my kids very much, and was doing a fairly good job, but all I could see was what I didn't have, what I hadn't done.
And yet, even then, I knew that I had to find more balance in life - hence, the name of this blog.
So I started the blog with specific goals for myself. And somehow, I've found that I have surpassed them.
Oh, sure, I still bitch about my ex here. Because part of that balance is not suppressing those feelings, but expressing them.
I don't divulge all here. I can't because I'm not just telling my story here, but the story of my daughters. Some of that is not meant for internet consumption. Some of you get ranting emails from me about what Sylvia or Riley did last night because I need to express that as well, but I can't betray their privacy.
So then I turn to your blogs, and find great perspective on how to deal with my own problems.
So now, the big buzz words in social media contain "addiction" and "obsessive." Do we Twitter, FB, or post too often? Are we spreading ourselves too thin with our various writing obligations and ignoring our duties at home?
Well, take a wild guess what I have to say about that? Yep, it's all about balance. I check in with Twitter, but don't post every 10 minutes. I check in with Facebook every day, and longer on weekends. I get behind on my Reader because to stay on top of it means I'm either not working or cleaning or sleeping!
But if I didn't do these things, then I would probably be closer to that person I was nearly 3 years ago. Angry, bitter, and close to desperate. It's so much easier to find the balance when your life feels full!
Unlike Kim or Donna, I started blogging with the hope of finding a community. Kori, Julie, and FreedomFirst and I had all been part of a moms community that has since closed shop and found that we had much more to say. Through that, I met so many, including Florinda, who brought me into the LA Moms group. Through LA Moms, I met Jessica Gottlieb, and Jessica just recommended me for another website. Through the single mom blogging community, I got the opportunity to be the LA Single Parenting Examiner.
These benefits; the friends, the outings, the opportunities to write more, aren't just valuable for those reasons alone, though.
The real benefit has been the inner changes.
At the time I started this blog, I already had a couple of years of single parenting under my belt. I'd even managed to complete my bachelor's degree. I was in the process of making changes to benefit Sylvia's education.
Yet at the time, I could see none of these accomplishments. I was still very angry and bitter. I loved my kids very much, and was doing a fairly good job, but all I could see was what I didn't have, what I hadn't done.
And yet, even then, I knew that I had to find more balance in life - hence, the name of this blog.
So I started the blog with specific goals for myself. And somehow, I've found that I have surpassed them.
Oh, sure, I still bitch about my ex here. Because part of that balance is not suppressing those feelings, but expressing them.
I don't divulge all here. I can't because I'm not just telling my story here, but the story of my daughters. Some of that is not meant for internet consumption. Some of you get ranting emails from me about what Sylvia or Riley did last night because I need to express that as well, but I can't betray their privacy.
So then I turn to your blogs, and find great perspective on how to deal with my own problems.
So now, the big buzz words in social media contain "addiction" and "obsessive." Do we Twitter, FB, or post too often? Are we spreading ourselves too thin with our various writing obligations and ignoring our duties at home?
Well, take a wild guess what I have to say about that? Yep, it's all about balance. I check in with Twitter, but don't post every 10 minutes. I check in with Facebook every day, and longer on weekends. I get behind on my Reader because to stay on top of it means I'm either not working or cleaning or sleeping!
But if I didn't do these things, then I would probably be closer to that person I was nearly 3 years ago. Angry, bitter, and close to desperate. It's so much easier to find the balance when your life feels full!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Wrap-Up
I'm so off-schedule with my blogging! It seems it's going to take me a while to get back in the rhythm of this.
I'm not even sure what my update is yet.
We did nothing exciting this weekend, which was kind of nice! It was our first weekend all summer long that hasn't had something on the schedule, so we just enjoyed our downtime. The girls even enjoyed it considering that they'd gone on field trips most of last week, ending with Disneyland on Friday. The girls went on Matterhorn for the first time ever, so it seems we get to add that to our itinerary. Maybe that means I can get them to skip Splash Mountain next time. Call me a dud, but I'm just not a fan of walking around drenched all day. Or even part of the day.
My next post will most likely be another education rant. I'm getting geared up for the new school year.
It looks like work is just going to get busier and busier, which is fine with me! The only downside is, it's getting harder to look at a computer screen at night after looking at one all day, which makes it hard to keep up with everyone in my Reader. I'll pop by when I can, but it'll be infrequent at best.
Sylvia and I had a lovely movie night on Sunday night (Riley did her own thing) watching Pirates of the Caribbean (the first one). I was surprised at how much of the movie I didn't remember, but Sylvia and I thoroughly enjoyed our evening. At the end, I was getting ready to turn it off before the credits, but Sylvia wanted me to wait until Johnny Depp's name. I had to laugh - "ooh, let's look at letters on a screen!" But we waited.
The other day when I was picking Sylvia up from the Club, she stormed out in a way that astonished me in how much she looked like a mini-me when I'm upset! (It was a fight with a friend, that quickly passed.) A small reminder in just how much they do pick up from us.
Oh, and I would love for you to read my latest Examiner article. Though it's slanted towards Los Angeles, I hope that the general tips are universal. (And yeah, that one's about education, too.)
I've been thinking a lot lately about one comment that I received from Clever Elsie where she pointed out how little of our education (no matter how far we've gone) we really use in our daily lives. Education has always been a passionate subject for me, and it's because I want it so badly to be useful.
In re-connecting with so many high school friends on FB, I realize that I got the most out of my education as a vocal student at LA County High School for the Arts. Not because, obviously, of my work today, but because of what I learned about working with others - from choir to jazz ensemble to the little mini girl group my friends and I put together. I learned there how to be a team player and share center stage. We cheered each other on, and supported one another when something didn't go well. We learned from our mistakes both in rehearsal and performance, and how to correct them for the next performance. We learned how to read between the lines of the lyrics to what the song was really saying.
Those are the skills I use today in my job. I give my drafts (my rehearsals) to the lawyer (my director), they tell me what's wrong, and then I fix it. I know who to ask what question by observing their strengths. I can leave everything behind at the office and enjoy a lunch with anyone in the group, just like no matter what had happened at the performance, we'd all want to celebrate together after an opening night.
I don't remember every song we sang together, just as I don't remember what agreement we worked on last month, but I remember the moments of humanity we shared, and the moments of humanity I share with my colleagues every day now is what make it a pleasure to go to work every day.
I know I'm very lucky. I know not everyone has the type of fantastic work environment I do. But I also know that I've learned that I don't have to do what I love to love what I do. (Okay I'm borrowing from Sondheim: "It's not so much do what you like as it is that you like what you do.")
I think, looking back, that the passion for music, for performing may have been what brought us together back in high school, but it's the people that we really came to know and love. And through our situation in high school (which, again, was a lucky break), we were able to learn how to appreciate the people in our lives.
Okay, now I'm just babbling incoherently, aren't I?
I'm not even sure what my update is yet.
We did nothing exciting this weekend, which was kind of nice! It was our first weekend all summer long that hasn't had something on the schedule, so we just enjoyed our downtime. The girls even enjoyed it considering that they'd gone on field trips most of last week, ending with Disneyland on Friday. The girls went on Matterhorn for the first time ever, so it seems we get to add that to our itinerary. Maybe that means I can get them to skip Splash Mountain next time. Call me a dud, but I'm just not a fan of walking around drenched all day. Or even part of the day.
My next post will most likely be another education rant. I'm getting geared up for the new school year.
It looks like work is just going to get busier and busier, which is fine with me! The only downside is, it's getting harder to look at a computer screen at night after looking at one all day, which makes it hard to keep up with everyone in my Reader. I'll pop by when I can, but it'll be infrequent at best.
Sylvia and I had a lovely movie night on Sunday night (Riley did her own thing) watching Pirates of the Caribbean (the first one). I was surprised at how much of the movie I didn't remember, but Sylvia and I thoroughly enjoyed our evening. At the end, I was getting ready to turn it off before the credits, but Sylvia wanted me to wait until Johnny Depp's name. I had to laugh - "ooh, let's look at letters on a screen!" But we waited.
The other day when I was picking Sylvia up from the Club, she stormed out in a way that astonished me in how much she looked like a mini-me when I'm upset! (It was a fight with a friend, that quickly passed.) A small reminder in just how much they do pick up from us.
Oh, and I would love for you to read my latest Examiner article. Though it's slanted towards Los Angeles, I hope that the general tips are universal. (And yeah, that one's about education, too.)
I've been thinking a lot lately about one comment that I received from Clever Elsie where she pointed out how little of our education (no matter how far we've gone) we really use in our daily lives. Education has always been a passionate subject for me, and it's because I want it so badly to be useful.
In re-connecting with so many high school friends on FB, I realize that I got the most out of my education as a vocal student at LA County High School for the Arts. Not because, obviously, of my work today, but because of what I learned about working with others - from choir to jazz ensemble to the little mini girl group my friends and I put together. I learned there how to be a team player and share center stage. We cheered each other on, and supported one another when something didn't go well. We learned from our mistakes both in rehearsal and performance, and how to correct them for the next performance. We learned how to read between the lines of the lyrics to what the song was really saying.
Those are the skills I use today in my job. I give my drafts (my rehearsals) to the lawyer (my director), they tell me what's wrong, and then I fix it. I know who to ask what question by observing their strengths. I can leave everything behind at the office and enjoy a lunch with anyone in the group, just like no matter what had happened at the performance, we'd all want to celebrate together after an opening night.
I don't remember every song we sang together, just as I don't remember what agreement we worked on last month, but I remember the moments of humanity we shared, and the moments of humanity I share with my colleagues every day now is what make it a pleasure to go to work every day.
I know I'm very lucky. I know not everyone has the type of fantastic work environment I do. But I also know that I've learned that I don't have to do what I love to love what I do. (Okay I'm borrowing from Sondheim: "It's not so much do what you like as it is that you like what you do.")
I think, looking back, that the passion for music, for performing may have been what brought us together back in high school, but it's the people that we really came to know and love. And through our situation in high school (which, again, was a lucky break), we were able to learn how to appreciate the people in our lives.
Okay, now I'm just babbling incoherently, aren't I?
Thursday, July 23, 2009
My Open Letter to Education Secretary Arne Duncan
Dear Mr. Duncan,
I was just about to log off for the night and go to bed, but then I read about your statement that you will withhold millions of federal education dollars from California. That threatens to keep me awake all night.
Sir, I have two daughters in California public schools. They, and the other millions of students, are not just the future of California, but of the world.
California is the 8th largest economy in the world. It shouldn't come as a shock to anyone that California has been hit hard by this recession.
And it shouldn't come as a shock to you, sir, that your threat does nothing to help our students.
I'm as frustrated with the unions as you are. In fact, I might even be more frustrated as it is my children that are affected by them.
That doesn't mean, however, that my girls should suffer this consequence.
Nor do I agree with the assessment that implementing those testing standards on to the teachers will say anything about the quality of those teachers.
Particularly at a time when my daughter going into 4th grade will most likely be in a class with a mixture of either 3rd graders or 5th graders. Particularly at a time when our state government is already taking money away from our local cities and municipalities.
My daughters' schools are absolutely counting on the federal stimulus money.
I know that the system is broken, but I don't see how this slash in funds does anything more than shatter it completely.
This shouldn't be about unions. This shouldn't be about standardized testing (which still haven't proved to actually be an effective barometer in our future generations being able to do anything more than scan, discard, select and move on).
California schools are much like our Los Angeles river: surviving only on inches of water per year. If you go through with your threat, Secretary Duncan, you will suck California's public system completely dry and our children will give up on their thirst, their desire, to learn.
I was just about to log off for the night and go to bed, but then I read about your statement that you will withhold millions of federal education dollars from California. That threatens to keep me awake all night.
Sir, I have two daughters in California public schools. They, and the other millions of students, are not just the future of California, but of the world.
California is the 8th largest economy in the world. It shouldn't come as a shock to anyone that California has been hit hard by this recession.
And it shouldn't come as a shock to you, sir, that your threat does nothing to help our students.
I'm as frustrated with the unions as you are. In fact, I might even be more frustrated as it is my children that are affected by them.
That doesn't mean, however, that my girls should suffer this consequence.
Nor do I agree with the assessment that implementing those testing standards on to the teachers will say anything about the quality of those teachers.
Particularly at a time when my daughter going into 4th grade will most likely be in a class with a mixture of either 3rd graders or 5th graders. Particularly at a time when our state government is already taking money away from our local cities and municipalities.
My daughters' schools are absolutely counting on the federal stimulus money.
I know that the system is broken, but I don't see how this slash in funds does anything more than shatter it completely.
This shouldn't be about unions. This shouldn't be about standardized testing (which still haven't proved to actually be an effective barometer in our future generations being able to do anything more than scan, discard, select and move on).
California schools are much like our Los Angeles river: surviving only on inches of water per year. If you go through with your threat, Secretary Duncan, you will suck California's public system completely dry and our children will give up on their thirst, their desire, to learn.
Balancing my singular pride
I haven't written about this a lot lately because I don't know if I can express myself to the fullest extent. But since I've read two separate posts from two different single moms I know and love that have basically said that choosing to be alone is not really a choice, I have to respond.
I'm not going to name them because I don't want this to turn into a personal attack thing. It's NOT a personal attack. It's not personal against them or anyone else in a relationship.
But there are plenty of people writing about being in relationships or wanting to be in one. I have chosen a different path for myself, and it's not sad or lonely or a defense mechanism. It's the choice that's right for me.
Kori and I have probably written about a million emails to each other in the past 2+ years. There's one in particular that I'll never delete. It's when I talked about the choices we were making. Kori, I hope you don't mind that I'm sharing some of this:
Kori is now in a relationship, and I'm happy for her. I know that she's making the choice to be in this relationship, knows the risks and benefits, and has decided it's worth it to her.
So I'm going to do my little disclosure one more time. This isn't about her, or anyone else, but me.
For me, I'd rather sleep alone or have the girls crawl in bed with me.
For me, I want to know that things in the kitchen are as I left them.
For me, I want to spend time with our family and friends, but then have it just be the 3 of us at home at bedtime.
For me, I like getting la1d every now and then, but I don't want to play the dating game.
For me, I like bowling with friends or going with my cousin to D-land, but then sometimes, I want it to just be the 3 of us having a good time together.
Have I had moments of loneliness? Of course. But they're only moments. I used to think at times I would die of it in that first year or so of single motherhood, but you know what? I didn't.
I suppose you could call my friends, my family, my blogging, my writing for Examiner, my love for So You Think You Can Dance and West Wing distractions for my loneliness. I think that minimizes the importance of friendship, of family, of our internet connections, and the last 2? Happy hobbies that are a nice end to the day for me. I won't die without them, and they're easily replaceable with other fun, harmless hobbies to help me unwind.
As most of you know, it's also important to me to be involved in my daughters' education, to see musicals, to be politically active on issues that are important to me.
As I see it, it's a full life.
Every time I've tried to look into the option of dating, I always end up backing off. I can always find a reason not to date. So, if it never makes the top of my priority list, then how important can it really be to me? I don't think it makes me sad or pathetic or in denial. Of course, denying that you're in denial is almost impossible, but I stand by it nonetheless.
Do I notice cute men? Of course! I'm SO not dead yet. Do I flirt? Yes. Do I have s3x? Enough for me. Do I really want them to call me the next day? No, thanks, I'm back to obsessing about my daughter's homework load, or gay marriage or planning our next family vacation or worrying about money or happily busy at my job. (And all the while, emailing Kori & Natalie, talking to RadDude and Nancy, replying to texts from my daughter, dealing with the internet and/or cell phone company, and trying to read yet another post in my Reader!)
One of the single moms wrote that we need other people. I don't disagree with that. I need my daughters. I need my parents. I need RadDude, and Nancy, and Kori and my LA Moms friends. And I think that they need me, too.
That's enough. More than enough. That's my life.
I'm not going to name them because I don't want this to turn into a personal attack thing. It's NOT a personal attack. It's not personal against them or anyone else in a relationship.
But there are plenty of people writing about being in relationships or wanting to be in one. I have chosen a different path for myself, and it's not sad or lonely or a defense mechanism. It's the choice that's right for me.
Kori and I have probably written about a million emails to each other in the past 2+ years. There's one in particular that I'll never delete. It's when I talked about the choices we were making. Kori, I hope you don't mind that I'm sharing some of this:
The fact is, we're making a choice to remain single every day - not because it's easy, but because we're strong.
'Member that guy that I met thru ____ a few months ago? He was a really nice guy and I totally could've taken advantage of him and roped him in to be a step-dad to my kids. I didn't because I didn't feel anything for him. I say I don't have choices, but really I do.
We are NOT stuck in bad marriages. We are NOT going out every night looking for a sugar daddy. We did NOT stay with losers.
We kinda rock, you know that?
Kori is now in a relationship, and I'm happy for her. I know that she's making the choice to be in this relationship, knows the risks and benefits, and has decided it's worth it to her.
So I'm going to do my little disclosure one more time. This isn't about her, or anyone else, but me.
For me, I'd rather sleep alone or have the girls crawl in bed with me.
For me, I want to know that things in the kitchen are as I left them.
For me, I want to spend time with our family and friends, but then have it just be the 3 of us at home at bedtime.
For me, I like getting la1d every now and then, but I don't want to play the dating game.
For me, I like bowling with friends or going with my cousin to D-land, but then sometimes, I want it to just be the 3 of us having a good time together.
Have I had moments of loneliness? Of course. But they're only moments. I used to think at times I would die of it in that first year or so of single motherhood, but you know what? I didn't.
I suppose you could call my friends, my family, my blogging, my writing for Examiner, my love for So You Think You Can Dance and West Wing distractions for my loneliness. I think that minimizes the importance of friendship, of family, of our internet connections, and the last 2? Happy hobbies that are a nice end to the day for me. I won't die without them, and they're easily replaceable with other fun, harmless hobbies to help me unwind.
As most of you know, it's also important to me to be involved in my daughters' education, to see musicals, to be politically active on issues that are important to me.
As I see it, it's a full life.
Every time I've tried to look into the option of dating, I always end up backing off. I can always find a reason not to date. So, if it never makes the top of my priority list, then how important can it really be to me? I don't think it makes me sad or pathetic or in denial. Of course, denying that you're in denial is almost impossible, but I stand by it nonetheless.
Do I notice cute men? Of course! I'm SO not dead yet. Do I flirt? Yes. Do I have s3x? Enough for me. Do I really want them to call me the next day? No, thanks, I'm back to obsessing about my daughter's homework load, or gay marriage or planning our next family vacation or worrying about money or happily busy at my job. (And all the while, emailing Kori & Natalie, talking to RadDude and Nancy, replying to texts from my daughter, dealing with the internet and/or cell phone company, and trying to read yet another post in my Reader!)
One of the single moms wrote that we need other people. I don't disagree with that. I need my daughters. I need my parents. I need RadDude, and Nancy, and Kori and my LA Moms friends. And I think that they need me, too.
That's enough. More than enough. That's my life.
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