Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Just another day

I saw this bumper sticker I liked: Losing my faith in humanity, one person at a time! That person right now is me.

Had kind of a breakdown. Just a moment with the girls where the moment itself isn't important, but it did me in. Opened my eyes to all my failures as a parent. I'm doing about a hundred things wrong a day.

It's not them, it's me. I know that. I know that I'm responsible for their actions, and I have screwed them up big time.

I know all parents make mistakes. I know we're all human. I'm making more mistakes than some, and less than others. And time will tell if they succeed in spite of my failures.

I'm seriously questioning my ability to do this on my own. Maybe I wouldn't have spent so many hours crying last night if someone else had been able to intervene; that it wasn't always me in that position of dealing with every single fucking something that comes up. Mind you, I had already dealt successfully with about 10 other things already, but the 11th? Couldn't fucking do it.

Yes, I know this makes me a lousy mom. Yes, I know grown women that aren't totally fucking insane aren't supposed to curl up in a fucking ball, crying, counting on their cat to calm them down. I am aware. Really and truly aware.

I am fully aware that I am not the biggest loser on Earth, that I have gotten myself and my daughters through a lot of shit. That no matter what, they have been fed and clothed and loved, and sometimes their hair's even brushed. I know that I managed to work full-time and put myself through college and I'm paying off the student loan every month to remind me. I know that I have made their lives better by doing it on my own, and I am able to feed and clothe and love them because I left X. I got myself back on my feet, with help from friends and family, did a good enough job to get promoted at work, and have had success with this blog and have lots of friends that love me. Yet, today, last night, I am also aware that I am a Lima Loser.

So why the hell am I sharing this? It's not that I'm proud of me for this, it's not that I think my loser status should be celebrated, nor am I fishing for compliments or consolation.

I'm saying it because I spend a lot of time here (and elsewhere) talking about parenting. This is a mommy blog. And today, this mommy is saying that this is fucking hard. Not every now and then. Not on a bad day. Yesterday, my work day rocked. I mean, it was awesome. One of my best days ever at work. But by 10:00, all that was forgotten and I was a crying fucking mess because a good day at work only gets you 'til 6:00. There are still enough hours left to break you. Break me, at least. And today, I am broken.

Well, I was. And then I got the call that Sylvia got in the show!! And just like that, I can't wait to see my girls tonight and celebrate.


Erica said...

AH! The ups and downs of parenting. So sorry last night was a bad one. Try not to be so hard on yourself - at least it's a holiday weekend coming up.

Florinda said...

We all hit the end of our ropes sometimes, and it's easy to lose perspective, although it sounds like you're doing remarkably well holding on to yours. And one or two missteps do NOT make you a lousy mom, OK?

And there are days I've felt like a complete hypocrite blogging about parenting and step-parenting as if I know what I'm doing.

Anyway, better luck tomorrow :-).

Danielle said...

1st I want to hug you and then I want to slap you!!!
We all suck as parents and we all rock as parents. It is really fucking hard no matter our situation.
I think that you are one of the better, more aware mommies out there. You already know this!
Vent away, know we understand and feel the same way and then enjoy tonight with your girls!
You are awesome!

Kori said...

Last person you want to hear from, I know, but I just wanted you to know that I love you.

MindyMom said...

You are MORE than deserving of having a bad mommy moment (but somehow I doubt it was really THAT bad) and ranting about it on your blog.

However, now is probably a great time to let you know how much I admire the mother that you are and all that you have accomplished ON YOUR OWN and for your girls. You have incredible strength, determination and spirit and your attitude and perspective on things always makes me smile. The gift that you give of yourself to your girls and the rest of us is priceless. Rant away sweetie, I appreciate ALL that you are.


BigLittleWolf said...

You're not a lousy mom at all. But when you expect to be able to manage that 11th thing - on your own - as usual - and it's just too much? You feel lousy.

Parenting is fucking hard. Parenting solo is beyond hard. It's climbing a mountain 20 times daily. Then getting it up and doing it again the next day, and the next. It sucks. And then we look at our kids in the bright moments, and know we're lucky to have them, even it our lives are more complicated than others.

I think you and I may be in a similar mood at present. Different stages and different ages, but the mood? Yep. I'm with you.

Vinomom said...

As Your Bloggy-Soulmate (hope I'm not overstepping) I really identify with all of that. And I know for a fact just from reading your blog that you do about a hundred more activities with and for your kids than I do, with a lot less breaks than I get.

That part WAS meant to make you feel better :)

But I feel that way all the time. Feel like I have fucked up beyond anything I can fix. I feel like despite the stability I have provided after having her at 19, it was not enough, obviously, seeing the way she treats me and others. I am scared for the future many days, and some days I just pray I haven't raised a lunatic.

But you know what? They are no guarantees. I think all any of us can do is try our hardest. And no matter how hard we try we are pretty sure we could have done more. I know I am.

I try not to dwell. Show confidence outwards and insecurities privately. Thats my way.

Cat said...

Congrats to Sylvia!

Parenting is hard. I know how you feel, I have days where I think Boy would be better of somewhere else but- for whatever it's worth- I think you're the best damn mom those girls could have. So go ahead and wallow and cry because there's no shame in that, plenty of grown women do it. You may think you're a loser, but I respectfully disagree. ((hugs))

Lifeofkaylen said...

You are not the worst, sorry, I won that title long ago.
Parenting is REALLY hard-especially when you are doing it alone.
Just step back and take a breath. Sometimes I walk away in the middle of an argument and just sit quietly by myself until I can calm down. It helps a little. Just a little.
Sometimes the only thing that really helps is to cry big wracking sobs of tears....alone in your room with the door locked.