Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Yes, I'm still alive!

I miss blogging, I do, but there's just not much I can say here right now.

X is in jail again. He'll most likely get out next week. I told the girls, and they're both dealing with it. At first they wanted to act like it didn't matter, but of course, it does. Riley and I had a good talk. She let out all her angry feelings and then remembered the things she loves about him.

Sylvia and I haven't talked as much, but she has reached out to some friends, and she's dealing with it in therapy as well. She knows she can always come to me, of course, but I think she is also trying to find her own way of dealing with it, and I think that's a good thing.

In the midst of all of that, there's been the holiday madness: get-togethers and parties and the holiday shows.

Sylvia had her choir concert last night, and OMG, I can't get over how grown-up she was. She wore heels! She had on make-up! I barely recognized my little girl. She shone, of course, and I recognized her confidence and joy that I always see in her when she's on stage. Riley cheered her big sis on, and smiled at me, as proud of Sylvia as I was. When Sylvia got in bed that night and I kissed her good-night, she said, "I'm tired, Mommy." There's my little girl! I knew she was in there somewhere.

Riley is reminding me that 4th grade can be difficult. She is seeing school work as work for the first time. She is afraid she won't live up to her previous successes. I know she can meet the challenges, but she's growing up, and with that, comes less confidence. So we're working on finding that again. I just wish there were more hours every night.

I'm starting to feel overwhelmed again by all there is to do. Work has been really busy, which is great, I'm not complaining, but I'm coming home more drained. And yet there's still dinner to be made, homework to deal with, and all the rest of it. There just doesn't seem to be the time for us to just be. We're just constantly planning for the next thing.

Still, I don't want it to sound like I'm complaining. And I know this isn't a unique feeling, especially around the holidays. It's just making it difficult to take any time for coherent posts that aren't mere updates! Not to mention, I'm way behind on reading posts, and leaving comments.

You're all in my thoughts. Every day.


Lifeofkaylen said...

My son doesn't open up to me as much as I'd like him to about the X, but sometimes he does and the things he says makes me think he is very mature and doing great in dealing with it all. He also had a counselor for a bit and I think that really helped.

I am in my busy time at work (now through March!) and it is great...but it is hard!! Sometimes I come home and just want to crawl into bed. Or curl up in a corner of the couch with a book. But then real life is smacking my face, and I have to get dinner going and I have to do laundry and the dishes are waiting, is nonstop!

Loth said...

Well, if it's any consolation, your incoherent posts usually knock my coherent ones into a cocked hat!

Tara R. said...

You continue to amaze me how 'together' you stay and how much your daughters are dealing with, and dealing with it with maturity and grace.

Unknown said...

Sometimes I wish so badly for the toddler years to be over, thinking that it's going to be easier when they're older. But then I read things like this and I realize how easy and simple things are right now even even when I feel completely overwhelmed with the days.

I guess as the kids get older something becomes easier and another gets more challenging.

I think you're doing such a good job at balance ... and I really do enjoy reading life updates of you and the girls :)

Samantha said...

I'm sorry that the X is in jail (well, only if you are), but definately sorry that it affects your girls!

Keep strong, holidays are always hard. Though it is not a unique feeling it can definately be isolating.

Cat said...

Sorry about the X situation- it sounds like you're handling it as well as you can. You're a good mom!

MindyMom said...

I'm sure you will find the time to just *be* after the holidays are over. For now it sounds like you and the girls and doing very well, all things considered.

Of course, for selfish reasons I hope you do find the time for more blogging. Been missing your posts!

Anonymous said...

Ugh, I feel you on the ex situation. So sorry your girls are having to go through that...I didn't realize your youngest and mine are the same age. I just went to her first choir concert tonight, and it was great, and I felt the same way...she looked so grown up!

You know what sucks? I am only ever tired in the mornings when I need to drag my ass out of bed. Nearly every night I have the opportunity to get to bed around 10 pm but I almost never go to bed before 11:30, if not closer to 12. I think it's the peacefulness. But one day burning the candle at both ends is going to catch up with me.

Shiona said...

Oh boy do I remember 4th grade. That's when my issues started. My confidence was totally shattered. Unfortunately I didn't have a mom like you for reassurance so I think it's pretty much remained that way. There were some good years but I just realized I've never really recovered.

They do grow up so fast. And mine is only 2!!

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won said...

Keeping you in my thoughts, April.

Anonymous said...

What a holiday mix you have there. It seems that your daughters are as strong and vibrant as their mother. And when the holiday madness gets too much (note that this advice is from a Jewish woman who does not participate), remember that in three weeks it will be history. As always, do what you can--it is all that is needed. All the best holiday and everyday wishes.

L.A. Story said...

April, it was great seeing you and your girls on Sunday! Hang in there. You're doing such a great job.

jenn said...

I can't imagine seeing Shiloh in heels and makeup. (Thank God I have a few years!) That must be very bittersweet. You want them to grow up... but you don't.

Holidays can be so stressful. Hang in there!