Budgeting Update and Financial Guide

Sylvia and I agreed it was worth it to make her lunch every day instead of buying the school lunch, and start saving that money towards other things. And just in time. Just spent $80 for items needed related to her upcoming dance recital.

Riley still gets her lunch at school, but since the year's almost over (yay!), I am now putting that money towards a "Riley" line item, and will use it for next year's school uniforms and some summer clothing needs. She has also agreed to do the laundry over the summer, and I have agreed to pay her for that. Because it's totally worth it!!

I am getting child support again (sporadically) so I am splitting that money between Sylvia's line item, Riley's, Transportation (I just spent $500 on my car - again - and have already been warned that another $500 will be needed in a few months), Miscellaneous (which is used for household needs and presents), and paying down credit card debt.

My dad advised me to keep track of how much I'm spending on the car over a 12-month period, and then see if it's more or less than a car payment would be. The car is 12 years old now, has close to 150k miles on it, but it is a Toyota so everyone keeps telling me it should last at least another 100k miles. Yes, but at what cost? To be continued...

In the meantime, I was offered the opportunity to review Financial Guide for Single Mothers by the author, Amit Eshet. After 10 years of single motherhood, a lot of the book covered information that I have already learned (and, admittedly, some of it the hard way), but I do think it is a great quick-reference guide, and would be useful for single mothers just beginning their journey.

While I appreciated that Eshet was forthright about most financial institutions being in the business of making money, I was surprised that Eshet did not recommend a credit union in this chapter. I am constantly grateful for the opportunity to be a part of a credit union that offers me a low-interest credit card, and superior customer service.

Also glaringly missing from the book, when talking about the importance of saving money, Eshet did not point out that it is so much easier to save when you have a portion of your paycheck deposited directly into your savings account. Most employers will offer direct deposit, so it is always worth asking.

While much of the book would be useful to anyone, regardless of whether single or not or a parent even, Chapter Eight: Financial Education for Kids will be particularly useful for single parents. Eshet includes a breakdown of age-appropriate financial concepts, even beyond the age of 18. I wish I'd had this chapter when my kids were younger! But I will hang onto it and go over it with the girls.

I was offered the book to review for free, and the author has informed me that it is currently available for 99 cents at Amazon (and the link above is connected to my affiliate link, so I would receive maybe half a cent?) for a limited time.

A Decade of Single Motherhood

It was in May 2003 that the girls and our cat and I boarded a plane, taking us from Rochester and X to L.A., and our new lives as a single parent family.

I will not deny it; that first year of single motherhood sucked a lot.

In addition to starting life over again, starting a new job, moving a couple of times, and dealing with the girls' adjustment to life without father, I was grieving. And making it even harder for myself by feeling like I had no right to my grief.

I had left him. I had moved. Everything had been my decision, so I didn't feel like I could feel bad about any of it.

But I did.

I knew it was the right thing to do, but it took some therapy to know that it was also okay to not necessarily be happy about it, either. That it was okay to mourn the loss of the life that I had wanted, that I had once believed I had, that I knew I would never have. And I had loved X for a long time, and it was okay to mourn the loss of that love that I had felt. And he had loved me in his own way, but I could also mourn the loss of a love that he could never give me.

Of course, that mourning had to be meticulously scheduled. I had to work, I had kids to feed, bathe and raise. I had to keep building our new life even as I mourned the old. It took a while.

And 10 years later, I am loving a life I never knew I wanted. I never knew I could juggle this much. I never knew I could be this close to my girls. I never knew I could have so many friends and so much love in my life.

Somehow I've managed to build this new life and strengthen our family and do it all my way. The girls and I have so many great memories of these last 10 years.

10 years ago, I was lost, angry and scared, but I can't fault myself for any of that. Had I not been those things, I wouldn't have delved into this new chapter of my life. And I know it was the best decision I ever made so that I can be here now. Long-time readers know that I hate to say I'm happy because that's an emotion with a beginning, a middle and an end. But I can say that I'm very happy to be celebrating this decade of single motherhood.

To all the single mothers, please know that you have much to celebrate this Mother's Day. But if what you really need to give yourself is a little time to grieve, please do. Tears are more valuable than flowers any day. The love of yourself and your children will make it a very special Mother's Day no matter what.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

Budgeting Update: The Grocery Line Item

I don't think I've ever gone into detail about my grocery budget.  (So what if Financial Literacy Month is over?)

A few years ago, I started an excel spreadsheet that is now almost 1000 rows long of each item I buy, quantity, and cost per.

I menu plan first. And I almost exclusively cook in the slow cooker. I've accrued quite a few recipes through blogs, websites and books. Then I heard that emeals was now offering a slow cooker option, so I re-joined. (No, no referral fee or anything. I know, I'm so bad at trying to monetize this blog!)

I keep my grocery list in a note on my phone so that I can add things during the week as we run out.
On Thursday or Friday, I put together my menu for the coming week and finalize my grocery list. Then I go to my grocery budget spreadsheet.

It has been built one grocery trip at a time. It started with estimates of how much each item cost. Now, I take each receipt and update the spreadsheet with the actual amount spent for each item. Here in CA, we're not taxed on food items, but I do buy more than just food, so I go ahead and multiply the sub-total by the tax rate to come up with a total. I try to use coupons, but I don't always remember to do so, so I do not deduct any coupons from that total. Of course, if the total is over my budgeted amount, then I have to re-think my planned meals or forego a desired, but not needed, product or two.

8 out of 10 times, by putting together my list this way, I spend less than I have budgeted for my groceries. This week was one of those weeks where I went over. By seven bucks. Oh, well. It happens. I subtracted the overage from my "Miscellaneous" line item on my budget.

Previously, I've tried to keep track of my spending while shopping, but that's not nearly as reliable or efficient.

I also only shop once a week. If I forget something, then that recipe will just have to wait until next week. (Though, admittedly, it's not necessarily out of principle; it's more lack of willpower.) I usually have spaghetti or other easy items on hand to make do.

Every so often, I will make a trip to Costco to stock up. I also have a Costco shopping list tab in my grocery budget, but I do not dare rely on that alone. On Costco trips, we keep the calculator tool open on the phone so we can add as we go. I also compare and have found on some items, it is cheaper to buy at the grocery store than Costco so I know which items to leave off the Costco list. I'm proud to say, I have actually left Costco for less than $100.

I am absolutely dreadful at actually using left-overs, so I could still do better when it comes to saving money on groceries. And I wanted to kick myself when I came across a book of coupons from my grocery store that had already expired before I opened them. Still, I do have to balance my free time with saving money. Overall, this method is working for us.

Financial Literacy Month: Changing My Financial Attitude

I've been watching The Suze Orman Show for a few years now, and credit her greatly for getting me on a better financial track. So I was surprised when I found myself disagreeing with her recently.

A caller asked whether or not they should use an account that had been gifted to them to pay off their credit cards. Suze's answer was based on interest rates, which, sure, makes financial sense, but I was surprised Suze didn't explore how the credit card debt had been incurred in the first place.

After having been there, done that, at least three times in the past 10 years, I know that just using a large chunk of money to pay off credit card debt doesn't mean I'll never incur credit card debt again.

And that's been the biggest change in my financial attitude recently.

As much as I've wanted to believe "never again," the biggest financial hurdle has been having to do things I never wanted to do again.

In November of last year, when I had to charge my car repairs again, I was thoroughly bummed out about it. Then, right after the holidays, I had to pay for my textbooks, another expensive item that could only be charged. I felt like I was right back where I had been three years ago, and that did not feel good at all.

It completely wiped out all the joy and freedom I'd felt just a month before, when slowly but surely, I paid down a balance the hard way...one paycheck at a time.

I started looking into second jobs or freelance work - not really viable when I only have about an hour to myself daily a few times a week. But then school started, I was busy with that and my non-profit stuff and work and kids, and I just resigned myself to being in credit card debt for the rest of my life.

I was pretty sure I'd be putting even more on the credit card during my trip last month, but then I came upon the Magic Little Notebook method. While I did take some out of my savings, I also took some out of other weekly budgeting items that I would not be needing since I was out of town, and came up with an overall budget, plus a daily spending plan for my 6 days away.

I would check my progress every night. The first day, I spent less than I had budgeted, which meant I could spend more for the rest of my trip. Same for the second day, and then again, the third. I went the entire week without incurring any credit card debt.

My progress is slow, for sure, but what's most important is getting used to not using the plastic crutch. And also changing my attitude so that if I do need to use it, I don't get completely bummed out and fall into a vicious overspending cycle.

Interestingly, on that same show, Suze said her show is more about relationships than just money. I totally agree. I am working on changing my relationship with money. I am working on feeling like I am in control of my credit card debt, rather than letting my debt control me. I am working on feeling powerful over my own paycheck, rather than feeling powerless over the money that goes out. I have long taken pride in being able to pay my bills on time, and now I can take pride in watching my savings (finally!) start to grow at the same time the credit card bills decrease. And, we shall see that, if the next time I have to use the plastic for a bill that's bigger than what I have, I can at least feel grateful that I have the credit card as an option.

There will always be those with a lot more than what we have, and I'm good at not trying to keep up with them. What I need to work on is recognizing that we have a lot more than others, and all things considered, we're doing pretty okay.

Budgeting Update: Financial Literacy Month

I've been using the debt-free Magic Little Notebook for over a month now, and the best thing I am getting out of it is how to change my attitude so that I can continue to (1) pay off my debt, a little at a time, (2) build up my savings, a little at a time, and (3) play with my budget when I find myself straying.


I have already revised my budget items a few times. Beyond merely just building up my savings account, I am attempting to create cushions in the areas where I know expenses will only continue to go up faster and greater than an annual salary increase.

For instance, I started off budgeting my usual $80/week in gas - the amount I was spending when CA gas prices were at their highest. While I'm not spending that now,  I wanted to make sure I kept it at a level that I might have to spend, since we don't have any alternatives to our daily commute.

For the first couple of weeks, I took the excess and funded other more fun areas of the budget. But then I realized, I should re-name this line item "Car" so any amount over actual gas can start going towards car maintenance and repairs. Most likely, I will still have to dip into my savings from time to time, but hopefully not as much as I start to build that amount.

Speaking of savings, I can't explain exactly how it happened, since I only budget $25 a week for savings, but I still managed to grow my savings by $200 in one month. That even includes a momentary lapse where I put something on my credit card!

The very next day, I felt so bad about it that I transferred the $50 I'd spent to my credit card from my savings. I've previously used a lapse as an excuse to just keep spending blindly, but by being able to pay it off immediately, I felt like I really hadn't lost any ground and could just keep going.

There is one line item amount where I go over every week, my Dining Out category. On any day that I don't have lunch plans, I bring my lunch but, being a single working mother, lunch is usually the easiest plan to make with friends, and I sometimes have meetings related to my Board commitments at lunch time. I just can't resist it.

While I ask myself every week (around the time that I go over) if I should just increase that line item, I manage to find the amount I've gone over somewhere else. Other categories are over-funded to a certain extent because I divide monthly bills into 4 weeks and there will be a few bucks left over here and there or because my gas or electric bill aren't as high. So I leave the Dining Out category amount as is, and then just find the money (but not from the Car line item).


I am learning to resist from time to time. There was a recent lunch event that I was invited to, but I knew it would go way beyond my Dining Out budget. Not just a few dollars, but like double the amount. So I declined, and said that my budgeting wouldn't allow it. No one tried to coax me to change my mind, nor did they make me feel embarrassed about it. The truth was accepted by everyone, but most importantly, by me.


And while it's not a lot, I'm paying at least $15 more than the minimum required for both of my credit cards. If I just keep paying the same amount I've budgeted without adding to the balance, eventually that will turn into $20 more, then $25 more, etc. I'm still not convinced I will ever not have a credit card balance, but that realism should help me (not literally) die a little less next time I have to use a credit card.
 
I am also building the "Fun" and "Miscellaneous" categories. They are great to have when Riley needs new uniform pants or we want to buy an iTunes song. Still, I am most proud that I am funding them more than I'm taking from them. I just need to make sure that stays the case as much as possible. 

There are still some things that frighten me - like having to pay a car payment or buying Sylvia a prom dress. I'm skeptical that my turtle-like time table will be quick enough for what may came up. But there's only so much I can do, and there's only so much I can stress about the unknown.

For the past month or so, nearly every day, I feel like I am making the right decisions and doing the best I can with what we have.

Balancing Work and Single Parenting

BigLittleWolf posted about a single mom who is looking for advice on how to manage her work life with life as a single parent - without the other parent around. I don't mean to hijack her post, and I strongly recommend anyone looking for such advice should go read all of the thoughtful comments that have been left - and add your own.

It did get me thinking about my first few weeks with my brand new employer, post-separation/cross-country move.

I was on a long-term temp assignment, with the potential for permanent employment so of course, I was eager to please and impress.

Just before the end of a workday, one of my bosses gave me an assignment I was to tackle first thing the next morning and have reviewed by another lawyer in the department. I was so excited for the opportunity!

Of course, the next day, before I could get to work, I got a call from the day care center that Riley (not yet 3 at the time) was sick and needed to be picked up.

While I had moved back to L.A. to be close to my parents for their support, on this day, neither could help. My dad was in a deposition, and my mom wasn't available, either.

I was so bummed when I had to call in and say that someone else would have to complete the assignment, and I was really afraid that I'd just blown my chances. They said it was fine, but I still felt like I let them down.

It did take another week or so before I was given such an opportunity again, but eventually, I was hired on permanently, and five years later, promoted.

While there were other instances where I had to miss work for a child's illness or had to leave early or take a long lunch to be there for the girls, thankfully, almost everyone in our department also had children and understood.

Someone said in the comments of BLW's post that if your employer doesn't understand, they might not be the right employer for you. While I agree with that wholeheartedly, I also know that we aren't always lucky enough to have options.

Just keep showing up, and be fully present. There will be times when you can chat (and hopefully bond) with colleagues about your kids, but you should not be the one to bring it up if you're starting a new job as a new single parent. I had heard horror stories about single parent discrimination in the workplace, so I was sure to keep my focus on the tasks at hand.

While I made it clear at the beginning that I would have to end my workday at 5 p.m. to pick up the girls from child care in time, I tried to give my all up until 5 p.m. And there were times I asked my parents to pick the girls up if I knew it was important to my boss, and my boss appreciated that.

Just the other day, one of the lawyers was talking about how he thinks of things he needs to do at home while at work, and vice versa. I realized quickly that I couldn't do that. I could only do well, both at my job and as a parent, if I was focused on what was in front of me.

I was recently featured in the mom.me article, 9 Secrets of Busy Moms, and I talked about how I can't multi-task. That goes hand in hand with being fully present.

Of course, there are times when I have to answer a work-related email while with the kids, or one of the girls will call me when I'm at work. It's not that they don't blend together ever, of course, and you have to prioritize the urgent and time-sensitive matters (both at work and at home). But for the most part, I have learned that I'm more efficient and can achieve better balance when I stay focused on accomplishing one thing at a time.

And if you are stuck in a dead-end job with people who don't understand, keep looking for a new one! Finding a great place to work has been a key factor for me in feeling like I have crossed the threshold from surviving to thriving as a single parent.

Where the Boys Aren't

I generally don't enter the dance studio where Sylvia assistant teaches on Saturdays because the kids are younger, which means the lobby is full of parents and siblings. But on this day, I had to sign for her costumes, and so I went in. And I felt my heart sinking and my blood pressure rising all at once.

My heart sank as I watched the boy playing a video game while his sister got exercise. My heart sank for the boy crying from boredom, who might have had a blast in the studio, jumping and turning. My heart sank as the TV monitor showed all the dance classes currently in session, with only girls in attendance.

I was extremely frustrated with these parents, mothers and fathers, who seemed to think it was all perfectly fine for only their female offspring to participate in dance.

Having been in the theatre world since I was six, I can tell you with unqualified certainty that there is a place for boys in a dance studio. And not just in the hip-hop class. In tap, jazz, contemporary, and yes, ballet class, too.

Now I'm sure some will want to tell me that the boy probably participates in sports, and therefore, is fine. It's not the same thing.

In the sports world, there are winners and losers.

In the theatre world, everyone on that stage has worked together to make for a successful opening night.

In the sports world, the opportunities for players to thrive starts dwindling in high school, and only a select few actually get to make a living in their dream field.

In the theatre world, we are always looking for brilliant male dancers. No, you won't get every part, but you will at least get more opportunities.

I have tried to make this point to parents of sons, who claim that the dads wouldn't hear of it, or dismiss it in a way that sounds like they think I don't understand because I have daughters.  As a mother of daughters, I am supposed to tell my girls that they can do anything boys can do, but parents of sons don't have to do the same?

If we want things to be different, then it can't always simply be up to the mothers of daughters to take on the task. Parents of sons have a role in this as well.

Now, of course I know there are some male dancers out there. If you're a parent of such, then this doesn't apply to you. And there are some genres where males are more socially permissible than others, but dancers who are well-versed in ballet or contemporary have the advantage of stronger technique and to deny a dancer that is limiting their future.

And yes, I even know the stereotypes of male dancers, and many who fit that bill. But the only way to change that stereotype is to have more male dancers, period! I simply do not care what their preference is, but if you are stopping your son from dancing for that reason, then frankly, that says more about you than it does about your son or dance.

And I am not saying every boy has to dance, either. But if you are signing your daughter up for dance, and you have a son as well, then let them both dance. Or, if your son shows no interest in soccer, consider a dance class instead.

Now that I'm back in the theatre world, I can tell you as a producer, we would love to see your son at our next audition!