It's been a very interesting day. Today was my first "full" day on a debating moms' site where it's been me against a slew of very conservative Christians. We debated homosexuality and religion ad nauseum! But I actually learned something. I don't know if they did, too, but I'm not there for their educational purposes. I'm there for my own.
So here's what I figured out. Christians think homosexuality has been shoved down their throats, and those (like me) that support the gay rights' movement think Christianity has been shoved down ours! Part of me wonders why they're so upset about it because by my count, their side is winning.
However, it was a very interesting lesson in propaganda and visceral reactions.
They believe that the homosexuals "started it." It started for me when Bush tried to amend our Constituion to support segregation. But as I told them, I don't have the inclination to go back in time and see who shot the first bullet. I just find it really interesting that each of our side's propaganda about it says the other one did.
I have visceral reactions to people trying to quote the Bible to me or my kids. They have visceral reactions to people trying to say homosexuality is okay to them or their children. Really, it's our own strong beliefs that make us feel so strongly about it! Because I certainly didn't care when Riley had a fellow classmate that had two mommies - but I cared a lot when someone tried to show Sylvia "Passion of the Christ!"
Looking at it as a mom, I have to recognize that my children are going to hear things from others that aren't my belief system. It's my job as a mom to deal with it, as I have. A well-meaning neighbor left a postcard for a Halloween event her church is giving. My kids knew right away that we weren't going since it took place at a church, so they've obviously learned my belief system! And she's a very nice person who simply invited us to an event that I wouldn't go to, but I think I'll just tell her, thanks for the invite but we're busy - and not get into my whole "I don't believe in organized religion" thing.
In learning to accept that our children will learn different views, we learn to accept that our children are their own individuals. I wrote elsewhere about how my children delight me the most when they say or do something that I wouldn't necessarily expect (in a humorous or nice way). If I can supposedly embrace their individuality, shouldn't I be able to embrace that they're learning from others as well? Or that they can decipher the material with both my take and someone else's take and reach their very own conclusions about it?
In other words, I'm going to try and lighten up a little! This does not mean, of course, that I will stop espousing my beliefs and values to my children, but I will try not to become such a mother lionesse about it when someone mentions JC in front of them!
Being reasonable doesn't come easy, but when it comes to being a mom, it's always the best answer.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Kids and Communication
Let me start by saying I know I don't know everything, or even everything about this topic, but I feel like I need to say what I do think and I'm hoping that writing this will act as a reminder to myself as well on how to behave now and in the future.
Lunanik has written about the birth control debate that has been the subject of a forum on a community we're both in, and Mommy Needs Coffee wrote about the lessons she's learning as the parent of a teen. I thought one of the comments was very interesting to Mommy Needs Coffee's post regarding how this is a time when adolescents discover that indeed their parents don't know everything.
I have never said that I did. I don't think my girls are in for any great shock to discover that there are many things that I don't know. This is one of the reasons that I apologize when I'm wrong (another being, it's the right thing to do, and I expect them to do the same), that I admit when I don't know something and let's look it up on the internet together, that I allow them to see my humanity. I have never tried to pretend that I'm perfect to my kids, nor have I ever demanded perfection from them. I have expectations about their behavior in public and at home, I don't let them get away with "but I didn't know" as an excuse when it's something that they absolutely have been told at least 30 to 300 times before, and I continually tell them that I only get mad when I know they can do better, to which they both agree.
I found it interesting to note how many mothers on the birth control issue that were so adamant about this being a terrible thing don't actually have kids even in grade school yet! They are still experiencing the wonderful time when mothers might possibly know everything they need to know.
The other interesting thing about one of the comments on the Mommy Needs Coffee blog was a note that since Americans keep kids in school longer (than what country? I'm not sure) that we actually are dealing with adults but treating them like children. I completely disagree with this.
Considering that our brains aren't fully developed until we're 25, I actually think we're letting them out of the "nest" too soon. (This is why insurance is more expensive for under 25 drivers, btw.) However, they have reached a level of "enlightenment" that allows them to understand how little control we actually have as parents.
One of my favorite moments ever from "The Sopranos" was when Meadow had thrown the party at her grandmother's house, and Tony and Carmela were trying to figure out what they could actually do to her. Tony commented (probably not an exact quote), "as soon she knows we are completely powerless, we're fucked!" Truer words have never been spoken.
Any parent that actually believes that they have "control" over their teenager is just plain wrong. I even know a few mothers that have sons that tower over them!
Now, hopefully we've developed the sort of relationship with our kids that they will actually listen and follow rules, curfews, etc. When they don't, what's the answer?
Shouldn't the first step be talking? The phrase "a cry for help" has often been uttered as maybe not so much a reason but rather an explanation for why certain kids do certain things. Maybe that should be our first response as parents. Maybe we look at the "incident" as a symptom for an underlying problem, and deal with that.
If that's not the case, then what's next? Consequences seem to be appropriate. Taking away certain privileges, or allowing the school to deal with the problem when they've been brought into the situation.
After that, we must ask for outside help. We must recognize that we don't have the solutions and try to find counselors, organizations, other parents, other friends, anyone that is at least willing to step up and say, "hey, I might have an answer for you." (Of course, keeping in mind that we use some common sense here and don't send our kids to one of those camps that has been found guilty of negligence or anything like that!) I think really good parents are willing to recognize when their own solutions haven't been effective.
And sometimes we just need to step back and let our kids fall.
Already, I feel like my job from Monday through Thursday is that of a drill sergeant, and it ain't fun. Girls, get up! Get your lunchboxes. Get your glasses. Get your shoes on. Sylvia, what homwork do you have? Break's over, back to homework. Riley, stop bothering your sister, she's doing homework. Girls, finish dinner already! It's time for homework! Sylvia, I'm not signing your agenda until you put everything away.
And a few times, I've even taken a step back from that. The other night, I told Sylvia, "Don't do your homework. Get a ZAP. Go to bed." Of course, she protested (ZAP stands for Zeroes Aren't Permitted and when you get one, you have to stay an hour after school) and got to work.
Middle school has become a time where she's expected to take on more responsibilities, and there's only so much I can do for her. She did tell me once that she appreciated that I stuck by her and cared enough to make sure she got it done. I guess that's supposed to last me through these past few weeks of whining and carrying on about homework!
I'm still struggling to find the right balance there between being involved and letting her be. And I guess it's the start of a very long road of the next 8 years until she's at least legally considered an adult.
At our last breakfast with the Principal, he was telling us about a group of boarding schools that will be coming to the school in a few weeks to recruit some of the 8th graders. He mentioned that boarding schools offer the best education for high school. I'm wondering how much of that has to do with the absence of parent-teen conflicts. At first I had told Sylvia I'd never send her to a boarding school.
Now I'm beginning to re-consider that...
Lunanik has written about the birth control debate that has been the subject of a forum on a community we're both in, and Mommy Needs Coffee wrote about the lessons she's learning as the parent of a teen. I thought one of the comments was very interesting to Mommy Needs Coffee's post regarding how this is a time when adolescents discover that indeed their parents don't know everything.
I have never said that I did. I don't think my girls are in for any great shock to discover that there are many things that I don't know. This is one of the reasons that I apologize when I'm wrong (another being, it's the right thing to do, and I expect them to do the same), that I admit when I don't know something and let's look it up on the internet together, that I allow them to see my humanity. I have never tried to pretend that I'm perfect to my kids, nor have I ever demanded perfection from them. I have expectations about their behavior in public and at home, I don't let them get away with "but I didn't know" as an excuse when it's something that they absolutely have been told at least 30 to 300 times before, and I continually tell them that I only get mad when I know they can do better, to which they both agree.
I found it interesting to note how many mothers on the birth control issue that were so adamant about this being a terrible thing don't actually have kids even in grade school yet! They are still experiencing the wonderful time when mothers might possibly know everything they need to know.
The other interesting thing about one of the comments on the Mommy Needs Coffee blog was a note that since Americans keep kids in school longer (than what country? I'm not sure) that we actually are dealing with adults but treating them like children. I completely disagree with this.
Considering that our brains aren't fully developed until we're 25, I actually think we're letting them out of the "nest" too soon. (This is why insurance is more expensive for under 25 drivers, btw.) However, they have reached a level of "enlightenment" that allows them to understand how little control we actually have as parents.
One of my favorite moments ever from "The Sopranos" was when Meadow had thrown the party at her grandmother's house, and Tony and Carmela were trying to figure out what they could actually do to her. Tony commented (probably not an exact quote), "as soon she knows we are completely powerless, we're fucked!" Truer words have never been spoken.
Any parent that actually believes that they have "control" over their teenager is just plain wrong. I even know a few mothers that have sons that tower over them!
Now, hopefully we've developed the sort of relationship with our kids that they will actually listen and follow rules, curfews, etc. When they don't, what's the answer?
Shouldn't the first step be talking? The phrase "a cry for help" has often been uttered as maybe not so much a reason but rather an explanation for why certain kids do certain things. Maybe that should be our first response as parents. Maybe we look at the "incident" as a symptom for an underlying problem, and deal with that.
If that's not the case, then what's next? Consequences seem to be appropriate. Taking away certain privileges, or allowing the school to deal with the problem when they've been brought into the situation.
After that, we must ask for outside help. We must recognize that we don't have the solutions and try to find counselors, organizations, other parents, other friends, anyone that is at least willing to step up and say, "hey, I might have an answer for you." (Of course, keeping in mind that we use some common sense here and don't send our kids to one of those camps that has been found guilty of negligence or anything like that!) I think really good parents are willing to recognize when their own solutions haven't been effective.
And sometimes we just need to step back and let our kids fall.
Already, I feel like my job from Monday through Thursday is that of a drill sergeant, and it ain't fun. Girls, get up! Get your lunchboxes. Get your glasses. Get your shoes on. Sylvia, what homwork do you have? Break's over, back to homework. Riley, stop bothering your sister, she's doing homework. Girls, finish dinner already! It's time for homework! Sylvia, I'm not signing your agenda until you put everything away.
And a few times, I've even taken a step back from that. The other night, I told Sylvia, "Don't do your homework. Get a ZAP. Go to bed." Of course, she protested (ZAP stands for Zeroes Aren't Permitted and when you get one, you have to stay an hour after school) and got to work.
Middle school has become a time where she's expected to take on more responsibilities, and there's only so much I can do for her. She did tell me once that she appreciated that I stuck by her and cared enough to make sure she got it done. I guess that's supposed to last me through these past few weeks of whining and carrying on about homework!
I'm still struggling to find the right balance there between being involved and letting her be. And I guess it's the start of a very long road of the next 8 years until she's at least legally considered an adult.
At our last breakfast with the Principal, he was telling us about a group of boarding schools that will be coming to the school in a few weeks to recruit some of the 8th graders. He mentioned that boarding schools offer the best education for high school. I'm wondering how much of that has to do with the absence of parent-teen conflicts. At first I had told Sylvia I'd never send her to a boarding school.
Now I'm beginning to re-consider that...
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Embracing my Inner Bitch
A few loving words of encouragement from other mothers (both working/single moms and stay-at-home moms) have allowed me to regain my hope and faith that most of us are indeed in this together so thanks to those who have taken the time to express that to me.
I've embraced my inner bitch again! I'm fighting the battles that I can fight and every time I do, I feel SO much better.
Part of me wonders if it's wrong that I'm gaining so much joy this way, but the other part of me is saying, you know what? Whatever works!
I've been quite depressed for over a week now. I needed something to get me going again. And, really, I am just defending myself here and calling someone on their ignorance and their misguided attacks. It's all helping me gain confidence in myself again, which can't be a bad thing. Tonight, I'm supposed to be charming and an asset to KIPP as one of their speakers for a fundraiser. I feel so much more ready for it now.
I cannot give up. I cannot stop fighting. I cannot stop being who I am...however much I want to sometimes. And if I'm given the forum to speak my voice, then that must mean I'm supposed to use it.
I realize this may be offensive even to some of those who have expressed their support to me. I can't explain it. But I can say that I think that this "bitch" mode is a transitional state. I think I will find my own "happy" place again. But some days, some weeks, it's just one step at a time that we can take.
I've embraced my inner bitch again! I'm fighting the battles that I can fight and every time I do, I feel SO much better.
Part of me wonders if it's wrong that I'm gaining so much joy this way, but the other part of me is saying, you know what? Whatever works!
I've been quite depressed for over a week now. I needed something to get me going again. And, really, I am just defending myself here and calling someone on their ignorance and their misguided attacks. It's all helping me gain confidence in myself again, which can't be a bad thing. Tonight, I'm supposed to be charming and an asset to KIPP as one of their speakers for a fundraiser. I feel so much more ready for it now.
I cannot give up. I cannot stop fighting. I cannot stop being who I am...however much I want to sometimes. And if I'm given the forum to speak my voice, then that must mean I'm supposed to use it.
I realize this may be offensive even to some of those who have expressed their support to me. I can't explain it. But I can say that I think that this "bitch" mode is a transitional state. I think I will find my own "happy" place again. But some days, some weeks, it's just one step at a time that we can take.
I Was So Wrong
I really thought that the media had taken the "Mommy Wars" of SAHMs versus working mothers and completely distorted it. I really believed that most mothers supported each other. I guess it's time for me to accept the fact that, like most faiths I've had in anything, it's time to let this one go as well.
On a Moms board I belong to, two - not one, but two - are saying without question that it's working mothers that are the cause of "violent kids." That we don't take our jobs as mothers seriously enough, and that if we really thought about it, we'd find a way to stay home with our kids.
Of course, neither of them had a solution as to how I, a single mother, with a friggin' deadbeat loser addict dad for an ex am supposed to do this with no money coming in. I know in my heart they're wrong, and it's not so much that I feel the need to defend myself as it is that I hate being wrong about believing that women would treat each other better than that.
Oh sure, I knew there was more than one Ann Coulter out there, making trouble. But I really thought that they couldn't affect me, couldn't hurt me. And I know, I shouldn't let others affect how I feel, but since I've posted so much before about how we need other people even to feel anything, then I think it's safe to say that yes, I do give them the power to hurt me. But if I didn't give them that power, I couldn't also accept help from the people that offer me that. How do you have one without the other?
And you know what else?
Sometimes I wish I were them, those other mothers that can just sit there and believe that I'm perfect and find blame in everyone else in the world for all the faults that surround us. Sometimes I wish I could hold onto ignorance as a way to get through this world, as a way to find answers. Sometimes I wish I could even turn my heart off.
But wouldn't that make me a bad mother as well? By not being open to listening to others? By not showing that other people deserve my respect of being taken seriously?
I don't have any answers today. Being proved wrong takes everything out of me except questions.
On a Moms board I belong to, two - not one, but two - are saying without question that it's working mothers that are the cause of "violent kids." That we don't take our jobs as mothers seriously enough, and that if we really thought about it, we'd find a way to stay home with our kids.
Of course, neither of them had a solution as to how I, a single mother, with a friggin' deadbeat loser addict dad for an ex am supposed to do this with no money coming in. I know in my heart they're wrong, and it's not so much that I feel the need to defend myself as it is that I hate being wrong about believing that women would treat each other better than that.
Oh sure, I knew there was more than one Ann Coulter out there, making trouble. But I really thought that they couldn't affect me, couldn't hurt me. And I know, I shouldn't let others affect how I feel, but since I've posted so much before about how we need other people even to feel anything, then I think it's safe to say that yes, I do give them the power to hurt me. But if I didn't give them that power, I couldn't also accept help from the people that offer me that. How do you have one without the other?
And you know what else?
Sometimes I wish I were them, those other mothers that can just sit there and believe that I'm perfect and find blame in everyone else in the world for all the faults that surround us. Sometimes I wish I could hold onto ignorance as a way to get through this world, as a way to find answers. Sometimes I wish I could even turn my heart off.
But wouldn't that make me a bad mother as well? By not being open to listening to others? By not showing that other people deserve my respect of being taken seriously?
I don't have any answers today. Being proved wrong takes everything out of me except questions.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Two's
My sister sent me this email. Thought I'd post my answers here instead:
two's.....
Complete it, then send it back to the person who sent it to you and the rest of your friends!
Two Names You Go By:
1. April
2. Mommy
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1 Pants
2. heels (I'm actually wearing heels today!)
2. Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
(I am going to assume in this case romantic relationship)
1. Laughter
2. Thoughtfulness
Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. Sleep
2. Smoke (yes, I'm all about health)
Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. $$$
2. No more unexpected bills
Two pets you had/have:
1. Bobbie
2. Sissy
Two people who will fill this out:
1. hate these questions
2. n/a
Two things you did last night:
1. Watched "Pushing Daisies"
2. Brushed the girls' hair
Two things you have eaten today
1. Coffee
2. coffee
Two people you Last Talked To:
1. Terry
2. Lisa
Two things You're doing tomorrow:
1. work
2. laundry
Two of your longest car rides
1. Driving from Denver to Los Angeles
2. Driving to Santa Cruz, a number of times.
Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day (no commitments - just enjoy!)
2. President's Day (same reason)
Two Favorite Beverages:
1. Coffee
2. wine
If you'd like to add your own two's, just comment to this post.
two's.....
Complete it, then send it back to the person who sent it to you and the rest of your friends!
Two Names You Go By:
1. April
2. Mommy
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1 Pants
2. heels (I'm actually wearing heels today!)
2. Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
(I am going to assume in this case romantic relationship)
1. Laughter
2. Thoughtfulness
Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. Sleep
2. Smoke (yes, I'm all about health)
Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. $$$
2. No more unexpected bills
Two pets you had/have:
1. Bobbie
2. Sissy
Two people who will fill this out:
1. hate these questions
2. n/a
Two things you did last night:
1. Watched "Pushing Daisies"
2. Brushed the girls' hair
Two things you have eaten today
1. Coffee
2. coffee
Two people you Last Talked To:
1. Terry
2. Lisa
Two things You're doing tomorrow:
1. work
2. laundry
Two of your longest car rides
1. Driving from Denver to Los Angeles
2. Driving to Santa Cruz, a number of times.
Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day (no commitments - just enjoy!)
2. President's Day (same reason)
Two Favorite Beverages:
1. Coffee
2. wine
If you'd like to add your own two's, just comment to this post.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
The Balance between Independence and Interdependence
I wrote this post a few days ago about our need for human connection. But how much need is unhealthy? When does interdependence turn into a lack of independence, or, that common “buzz” word, co-dependence?
Having been married to a drug addict, I’d see people get that look, if not even just say it out loud, “aah. You’re a co-dependent.” And maybe it’s a lack of self-knowledge on my part, but I’ve pondered this and pondered this, and still can’t believe that I am.
It’s just so easy to slap a label onto someone, and leave it at that, but I just can’t – not surprisingly I guess, but particularly with myself.
I consider my relationship with my ex to be a labor of love. I didn’t go into the relationship, knowing that he was a drug addict and thinking, “I can save him.” I had already fallen in love with him before I knew the extent of what he was doing (crack, I finally learned). I don’t necessarily want to drudge up all of the details of the story, but the best answer I can give is that I believed that you don’t walk away from love just because it’s not easy.
I had a conversation recently with a friend about why I hated the movie, “Knocked Up,” which I didn’t actually hate, but I had a problem with the ending. [Spoiler alert] The movie is about a woman who gets pregnant from a one-night stand, and not anyone’s idea of an ideal father. He smokes pot every day, his “job” is putting together a website with friends about where to find celebrities’ breasts in movies, and he’s basically still living like a college frat boy (another generalization, but it gives the picture I’m trying to create here, so please forgive). By the end of the movie, he “grows up” and is a good dad.
I wanted to scream like Kathy Bates in “Misery”: “BUT THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS IN REAL LIFE!!”
And I suppose I was living in some kind of fantasy world where I did believe that somehow, actually having the girls would change him somehow. And, to both his credit and mine, he did try. But it would always end up falling apart. First, I stopped believing in him. Then, I stopped loving him.
Does that make me a co-dependent? I didn’t necessarily believe that I could change him, but I did believe that offering him the right kind of support, and sticking by him would mean something. And I guess eventually I did have to learn that I had to “accept the things that I cannot change,” but I also don’t feel like I’m in any danger of going through something like that ever again.
Now, having said that, I still depend on others. Co-dependent? Too dependent? A healthy balance of interdependence? You decide.
Sometimes, I think that I do need other people too much. Sometimes, I do need to reach out and have someone there.
I’ve been having a bad time of it the last couple of days. I had car issues, which led to money issues (putting it mildly), which led to me just feeling overwhelmed, bitter, and depressed. I reached out to a few friends.
I just thanked one of them for “giving me permission” to take some time for myself. We talked about how we both need validation (which was a constant theme of mine I learned through therapy), and both commented that it was probably an unhealthy need.
But the more I think about it, the more I don’t think it is unhealthy.
We are both single, working mothers. We don’t have the benefit of a spouse to go home to at the end of the day, who will talk us through stuff, help us unwind, help the kids with their homework, make the dinner for us, take out the trash for us, listen to our workday woes, make the coffee for us in the morning…
At the same time, we both pride ourselves on our independence. We have to. We both have deadbeat exes who don’t pay their child support so it’s up to us to take care of everything; from car issues to the parent teacher conferences. We do it all. Our way of accepting this is to pat ourselves on the back for being able to do it all. And, heck, why shouldn’t we?
You think back to the ‘50’s, not only did all moms get to stay home, they also had friggin’ maids to help them around the house! And not just upper class homes, either. Middle class homes had them, too. So we’re essentially doing the job of three people as single moms. And yet we still have to defend ourselves against politicians who bemoan single parenthood as one of the “problems” of this country. I am not the problem. But I digress.
My point is that I probably shouldn’t feel the need to apologize for needing someone to talk to on occasion, someone who gets me, someone who will help me when I can’t figure out what to do. Yeah, sometimes I need validation. Well, you know what? I’ll live if I don’t get it. But is it so terribly wrong of me to want it sometimes?
When you consider the amount of time I spend being completely independent, I probably shouldn’t feel guilty for the times that I do need to connect to human beings (other than my kids). Every now and then, is it so much to ask for a little counter-balance of interdependence?
Having been married to a drug addict, I’d see people get that look, if not even just say it out loud, “aah. You’re a co-dependent.” And maybe it’s a lack of self-knowledge on my part, but I’ve pondered this and pondered this, and still can’t believe that I am.
It’s just so easy to slap a label onto someone, and leave it at that, but I just can’t – not surprisingly I guess, but particularly with myself.
I consider my relationship with my ex to be a labor of love. I didn’t go into the relationship, knowing that he was a drug addict and thinking, “I can save him.” I had already fallen in love with him before I knew the extent of what he was doing (crack, I finally learned). I don’t necessarily want to drudge up all of the details of the story, but the best answer I can give is that I believed that you don’t walk away from love just because it’s not easy.
I had a conversation recently with a friend about why I hated the movie, “Knocked Up,” which I didn’t actually hate, but I had a problem with the ending. [Spoiler alert] The movie is about a woman who gets pregnant from a one-night stand, and not anyone’s idea of an ideal father. He smokes pot every day, his “job” is putting together a website with friends about where to find celebrities’ breasts in movies, and he’s basically still living like a college frat boy (another generalization, but it gives the picture I’m trying to create here, so please forgive). By the end of the movie, he “grows up” and is a good dad.
I wanted to scream like Kathy Bates in “Misery”: “BUT THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS IN REAL LIFE!!”
And I suppose I was living in some kind of fantasy world where I did believe that somehow, actually having the girls would change him somehow. And, to both his credit and mine, he did try. But it would always end up falling apart. First, I stopped believing in him. Then, I stopped loving him.
Does that make me a co-dependent? I didn’t necessarily believe that I could change him, but I did believe that offering him the right kind of support, and sticking by him would mean something. And I guess eventually I did have to learn that I had to “accept the things that I cannot change,” but I also don’t feel like I’m in any danger of going through something like that ever again.
Now, having said that, I still depend on others. Co-dependent? Too dependent? A healthy balance of interdependence? You decide.
Sometimes, I think that I do need other people too much. Sometimes, I do need to reach out and have someone there.
I’ve been having a bad time of it the last couple of days. I had car issues, which led to money issues (putting it mildly), which led to me just feeling overwhelmed, bitter, and depressed. I reached out to a few friends.
I just thanked one of them for “giving me permission” to take some time for myself. We talked about how we both need validation (which was a constant theme of mine I learned through therapy), and both commented that it was probably an unhealthy need.
But the more I think about it, the more I don’t think it is unhealthy.
We are both single, working mothers. We don’t have the benefit of a spouse to go home to at the end of the day, who will talk us through stuff, help us unwind, help the kids with their homework, make the dinner for us, take out the trash for us, listen to our workday woes, make the coffee for us in the morning…
At the same time, we both pride ourselves on our independence. We have to. We both have deadbeat exes who don’t pay their child support so it’s up to us to take care of everything; from car issues to the parent teacher conferences. We do it all. Our way of accepting this is to pat ourselves on the back for being able to do it all. And, heck, why shouldn’t we?
You think back to the ‘50’s, not only did all moms get to stay home, they also had friggin’ maids to help them around the house! And not just upper class homes, either. Middle class homes had them, too. So we’re essentially doing the job of three people as single moms. And yet we still have to defend ourselves against politicians who bemoan single parenthood as one of the “problems” of this country. I am not the problem. But I digress.
My point is that I probably shouldn’t feel the need to apologize for needing someone to talk to on occasion, someone who gets me, someone who will help me when I can’t figure out what to do. Yeah, sometimes I need validation. Well, you know what? I’ll live if I don’t get it. But is it so terribly wrong of me to want it sometimes?
When you consider the amount of time I spend being completely independent, I probably shouldn’t feel guilty for the times that I do need to connect to human beings (other than my kids). Every now and then, is it so much to ask for a little counter-balance of interdependence?
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Shades of Gray
I was thinking about this for other reasons, but then Kori's blog motivated me to actually write about it.
It goes back to why I call this blog "It's All About Balance."
I've read some things lately that make me feel like I need to talk about this again. The thing is, there are no absolutes. I don't believe in absolutes.
I talk in generalities a lot, but I've been reminded more than once (just today, even) on why that's dangerous.
Let's take something like "personal responsibility," for example.
Yes, I believe in personal responsibility. Someone like my ex-husband makes me champion it because he fights it so desperately. At the age of 46, he still doesn't have his own place to live, his own car, a steady job, let alone be able to live up to the responsibilities of being a father. The man has been in jail for the past 2 years on his daughters' birthdays. Yes, I have every reason to be a fan of personal responsibility.
But there are times when we all need a little help. There are times when those of us who exhibit personal responsibility for most of our waking hours deserve a little break and some support.
The issue of how much companies should be responsible for the use (or mis-use) of their products is one way I've been faced with it recently.
On this community site I belong to, the issue of the voluntary recalls of children's medicine is being discussed. More than one person has said that the parents alone are at fault for "mini-dosing" their children.
I have been there. When Riley was a baby, we did not have health insurance. So when she got a fever, I would get the infant's Tylenol. I read the label that said for children under 2, consult your physician. I didn't have a physician to call. So I took the first actual dose listed on the package, and cut it either in half or by a third and give it to Riley. Or, if I had consulted a physician with her immunizations, I would just use the dosage they recommended (are you really supposed to call every single time?).
I guess some would call me an irresponsible mother for doing so. I guess it's not surprising that I would disagree with that. But you know what they would've called me had I taken my little girl with a slight fever to the emergency room without health insurance? A drain on the system. Without health insurance, I simply couldn't win.
Now, if there were universal health insurance, then it would be easy, right? But "personal responsibility" advocates generally (sorry, I have to use generalizations) oppose that because, hey, it's my responsibility to have insurance, right?
Well, my employer at the time didn't offer it. And there are many employers who don't offer it. However, this employer did offer housing, so I don't think I was out of line in accepting a job that didn't offer health insurance. And most people think, just let me earn a paycheck, I'll figure the rest out.
What's ironic is, had I not had a job, not taken on that personal responsibility, I probably could have qualified for Medicare. But then, I'd be a "lazy, welfare mom" right? Like I said, sometimes you just can't win for trying.
Halloween was another issue that came up. Some schools have banned parades, even costumes and parties, for fear of offending people.
First of all, I find it interesting that some Christians find this absolutely acceptable, yet whine that their children aren't allowed to be taught the Bible at school. So, really, you want public schools to be Christian. Well, can't you take on the "personal responsibility" of teaching your children the Bible and telling your children whether or not they can participate in a costume parade? No, all of a sudden, it's the school's responsibility to do that for you. Personally, I don't want anyone telling my children what to believe or how to believe. From Adolf Hitler to David Karesh to the Catholic priests to members of the friggin' Senate, the religious ideology of others have caused so much pain in the world today, I don't know how anyone foregoes that personal responsibility.
Another issue is one that Kori brings up of the personal responsibility of sex education. Now, believe me, I'm going to be telling my daughters my views on this subject, as Kori did, but wouldn't it be nice if Kori had a little bit more support on trying to give her own daughter ALL of the information about sex? Or if they had at least put this under the category of a BELIEF system, not absolute fact.
Things like this actually make me want to be an atheist.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger and others love to tell single mothers how to live their lives. She's a fan of single moms marrying again, but she's not a fan of them dating. Now, first of all, how does that work? How do you marry someone without ever having the benefit of dating?
Second of all, there are reasonable ways for single moms to pursue romantic relationships without negatively impacting their children. I've gone out a few times over the years without my kids even knowing about it. But some people (and it particularly bothers me when it's other women) don't give us the benefit of the doubt that we can be reasonable, and that yes, we are allowed to be someone, to have a life outside of our kids.
Then there's the whole "Mommy war" thing - SAHMs versus working moms. I don't know how some of these women find the time to put that much energy into worrying and judging how other mothers are trying to get by. And, btw, great lesson by example that you're teaching your kids by putting that much effort into putting other women down (note sarcasm).
When we cling to absolutes, then that must make us absolutely "right" or absolutely "wrong," right?
Isn't it kinder, more compassionate, to say that we're simply HUMAN - capable of degrees of "rightness" and "wrongness"? When we accept shades of gray, we accept a certain level of leeway that allows us all to pick ourselves up and maybe even have a hand from some compassionate fellow human after we fall.
I know I'm not always good at it, either. I find it hard to forgive the folks who voted for Bush (particularly the 2nd time), I find it hard to not judge someone by their labels (Christian, Republican, etc.) But I'm hoping that by writing about this, I'll take some of it to heart in future dealings and remember that every choice and decision one makes can be affected by fate, or can adversely affect another. At the same time, every choice is also an opportunity - I hope most of us opt for choosing a compassionate approach most of the time.
It goes back to why I call this blog "It's All About Balance."
I've read some things lately that make me feel like I need to talk about this again. The thing is, there are no absolutes. I don't believe in absolutes.
I talk in generalities a lot, but I've been reminded more than once (just today, even) on why that's dangerous.
Let's take something like "personal responsibility," for example.
Yes, I believe in personal responsibility. Someone like my ex-husband makes me champion it because he fights it so desperately. At the age of 46, he still doesn't have his own place to live, his own car, a steady job, let alone be able to live up to the responsibilities of being a father. The man has been in jail for the past 2 years on his daughters' birthdays. Yes, I have every reason to be a fan of personal responsibility.
But there are times when we all need a little help. There are times when those of us who exhibit personal responsibility for most of our waking hours deserve a little break and some support.
The issue of how much companies should be responsible for the use (or mis-use) of their products is one way I've been faced with it recently.
On this community site I belong to, the issue of the voluntary recalls of children's medicine is being discussed. More than one person has said that the parents alone are at fault for "mini-dosing" their children.
I have been there. When Riley was a baby, we did not have health insurance. So when she got a fever, I would get the infant's Tylenol. I read the label that said for children under 2, consult your physician. I didn't have a physician to call. So I took the first actual dose listed on the package, and cut it either in half or by a third and give it to Riley. Or, if I had consulted a physician with her immunizations, I would just use the dosage they recommended (are you really supposed to call every single time?).
I guess some would call me an irresponsible mother for doing so. I guess it's not surprising that I would disagree with that. But you know what they would've called me had I taken my little girl with a slight fever to the emergency room without health insurance? A drain on the system. Without health insurance, I simply couldn't win.
Now, if there were universal health insurance, then it would be easy, right? But "personal responsibility" advocates generally (sorry, I have to use generalizations) oppose that because, hey, it's my responsibility to have insurance, right?
Well, my employer at the time didn't offer it. And there are many employers who don't offer it. However, this employer did offer housing, so I don't think I was out of line in accepting a job that didn't offer health insurance. And most people think, just let me earn a paycheck, I'll figure the rest out.
What's ironic is, had I not had a job, not taken on that personal responsibility, I probably could have qualified for Medicare. But then, I'd be a "lazy, welfare mom" right? Like I said, sometimes you just can't win for trying.
Halloween was another issue that came up. Some schools have banned parades, even costumes and parties, for fear of offending people.
First of all, I find it interesting that some Christians find this absolutely acceptable, yet whine that their children aren't allowed to be taught the Bible at school. So, really, you want public schools to be Christian. Well, can't you take on the "personal responsibility" of teaching your children the Bible and telling your children whether or not they can participate in a costume parade? No, all of a sudden, it's the school's responsibility to do that for you. Personally, I don't want anyone telling my children what to believe or how to believe. From Adolf Hitler to David Karesh to the Catholic priests to members of the friggin' Senate, the religious ideology of others have caused so much pain in the world today, I don't know how anyone foregoes that personal responsibility.
Another issue is one that Kori brings up of the personal responsibility of sex education. Now, believe me, I'm going to be telling my daughters my views on this subject, as Kori did, but wouldn't it be nice if Kori had a little bit more support on trying to give her own daughter ALL of the information about sex? Or if they had at least put this under the category of a BELIEF system, not absolute fact.
Things like this actually make me want to be an atheist.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger and others love to tell single mothers how to live their lives. She's a fan of single moms marrying again, but she's not a fan of them dating. Now, first of all, how does that work? How do you marry someone without ever having the benefit of dating?
Second of all, there are reasonable ways for single moms to pursue romantic relationships without negatively impacting their children. I've gone out a few times over the years without my kids even knowing about it. But some people (and it particularly bothers me when it's other women) don't give us the benefit of the doubt that we can be reasonable, and that yes, we are allowed to be someone, to have a life outside of our kids.
Then there's the whole "Mommy war" thing - SAHMs versus working moms. I don't know how some of these women find the time to put that much energy into worrying and judging how other mothers are trying to get by. And, btw, great lesson by example that you're teaching your kids by putting that much effort into putting other women down (note sarcasm).
When we cling to absolutes, then that must make us absolutely "right" or absolutely "wrong," right?
Isn't it kinder, more compassionate, to say that we're simply HUMAN - capable of degrees of "rightness" and "wrongness"? When we accept shades of gray, we accept a certain level of leeway that allows us all to pick ourselves up and maybe even have a hand from some compassionate fellow human after we fall.
I know I'm not always good at it, either. I find it hard to forgive the folks who voted for Bush (particularly the 2nd time), I find it hard to not judge someone by their labels (Christian, Republican, etc.) But I'm hoping that by writing about this, I'll take some of it to heart in future dealings and remember that every choice and decision one makes can be affected by fate, or can adversely affect another. At the same time, every choice is also an opportunity - I hope most of us opt for choosing a compassionate approach most of the time.
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