Balancing the Game of Life

 We use gaming terms effortlessly in our everyday language. "She's on a roll!" "I'm a loser." "He needs a win." And, of course, every parent's favorite: "It's not fair!"

I get it. Sports are popular. Games are popular. Many people thrive from their competitive nature. It's a natural analogy or metaphor that most people understand. 

Unfortunately, it can also create an "us" against "them" atmosphere. It makes it instinctive to think that someone else's win means that you've lost something, when that's not always true. 

Yes, it can mean that you didn't get a promotion that went to a colleague instead, or someone outbid you on a house. But even then, it doesn't mean that you'll never get a promotion or a house. 

When we think of something as a zero sum game, it can create resentment that's not only possibly unfair, it hurts us more than it hurts them. 

Quite simply, it's just not a good use of our time. 

Now, I'm still about balance here. There is such a thing as healthy competition, and sometimes we can strive for more by seeing where we are compared to others. 

But when it starts making you feel bad, it's no longer useful. 

Get back to your personal goal. In the housing example, maybe it's not the right time or market for you. Could you look for something smaller or further away? Maybe wait another year and save more or pay down more debt. If you didn't get a promotion, ask for feedback on what skills you need to gain. 

Let's also remember that games are supposed to be fun! If striving for your goal no longer motivates you, is it time to re-examine that goal? 

I don't necessarily mean to give up entirely, but maybe it needs a tweak here and there. If home ownership isn't viable right now, could you move to a better apartment with more amenities? If it looks like you're at a dead end in your career, could you make a lateral move with more opportunities down the line? 

Thinking about those areas that are in your own locus of control will be way more productive than focusing your attention and energy on those that "beat" you. 

In the name of balance, go ahead and take a happy hour to vent with your friends. Everyone is allowed some time to process. 

The next day, give yourself some time to brainstorm other avenues to score your own goal! 

Yeah, couldn't help it. 

A New Chapter

While the pandemic delayed this chapter, it seems that it might be real this time. Sylvia has once again left home for her cruise ship job, and the nest is empty!

Riley moved into her own apartment about a year ago now, so she’s fully launched, even though she’s still in college. 

Alas, I have become a cliche of sorts. I adopted two cats during the pandemic. Why do I insist upon being outnumbered? Still, I’m really glad they’re here. And they love each other deeply. My IG is all them.

I have been trying really hard to figure out what’s next, and then I was reminded how much this blog gave to me the last time I felt lost. It might be foolish to expect blogging to solve everything, but I do love to write so here I am. 

I know, nobody blogs anymore. I’m not paying attention to SEO or followers or anything like that. I just miss having this platform to process. And oh my goodness, there’s a lot to process!

I didn’t make sourdough, I didn’t buy a Peloton, and while I tried regular walks, it just didn’t click for me. I did find a few things, though. 

I started meditating. And then I stopped, and now I’m starting again. Last summer was the first time I enjoyed the practice. It reminded me of the breathing and relaxation exercises we would do in acting classes when I was younger. I finally started to appreciate this opportunity to do nothing. Well, nothing else, anyway. 

Riley got me back into bullet journaling - something else I tried before, but stopped.

I’m realizing how many times I’ve started and stopped a variety of activities, but I’m trying not to judge myself for it. I’m finding my way back to those things that I enjoy.

I almost said “bring me joy,” but that term just doesn’t work for me. I am beginning to appreciate my own pursuit of happiness in a new way.

I find that I don’t beat myself up as much when I’m blogging. I don’t call myself an idiot here, or berate myself for making stupid mistakes. Particularly now, when the world outside and in have undergone so many changes, I appreciate this place where I can focus on growing without the judgment.

A few years ago, I realized I was an introvert so most of the time, I love being home alone! I love singing whenever I want, playing my podcasts, cooking what I like to eat. I cherish living alone. 

But I need to balance that with some outside accountability. I can get into my head too much sometimes. Pushing that publish button helps. 

Oh, something else that I used to do that I’ve started again is tap dancing! I found this online workout tap thing that I am just loving. And I really needed to find something because the weight gain is out of control! I can accept some changes to my body because of menopause. I can even accept some weight gain due to the lockdown. Unfortunately, the combination was overwhelming. 

And yet, overall, this is probably the least stressful my life has been in a few decades. 

I still can’t believe I’m a homeowner! And I was able to refinance and get my interest rate below 3%. I kept working (from home) this entire time. Heck, I even got to watch Hamilton multiple times! And while a few family members did get COVID, thankfully, everyone recovered without having to go to the hospital. And I remained well. 

There is so much to be thankful for, and so much to improve. I still believe, it’s all about balance. 

I’m a Homeowner!!

Truly, a sentence I didn’t think I’d write.

December 2003, I was moving into a 1-bedroom apartment, where I would sleep on a futon in the living room, starting life over as a single mom with two girls not quite 3 and 6. We furnished the place using hand-me-downs from colleagues and friends, or pulled out from my parents' attic, having been stored there since I left Los Angeles before I'd had either daughter. We were the recipients of my department's Adopt-a-Family program that year (albeit unofficially).

I hadn't graduated college yet. I didn't know where the next decade would take me or the girls. I sometimes doubted my ability to ever feel whole again.

And here I am, a college graduate with a paralegal's certificate. I've been promoted up to a manager title, working for one of the most quintessential household names. Trustee of my own estate plan. And holder of my own deed. And future.

My daughters are finding their own way. I still don't understand when parents grieve their children growing up because I'm finding so much joy in this part. I love watching them grow up and become adults that care about the world and the people in it. I'm so proud of the young women they're becoming.

Sylvia loves her job because she sees it as bringing joy to children. Obviously, there's more to it than that, but she understands the joy as the motivation behind everything she does, so she strives to do it as well as she possibly can. Honestly, what more could a mother want?

Riley loves her job because she helps children. She enjoys school because she loves learning more about the world and figuring out how she can do her part. She delights in making people happy. Her smile always has and always will light up my world.

And now, as I joked to Riley earlier, if I die, I'm leaving you an asset!

I feel prepared for the responsibility now, and grateful that it's a townhouse so there's still an HOA to call for the roof! I have worked so hard at getting my financial life together that even though I've just taken on a whole heap of debt, I know I can manage it. I have visions for the future, but not so clear that there's not room for nice surprises!

I feel proud and empowered and grateful and lucky and pure joy! Today has become a new holiday for me. And I've opened the bottle of wine to celebrate!

Attempting to Achieve More Gender Balance by Tipping the Scales

I was inspired by Erin Gibson's book Feminasty to start paying more attention to my purchasing power.

It's so easy to feel helpless these days. I can't afford the big-ticket dinners to schmooze with people running for office. While I do donate to some non-profits and causes, I'm not enthusiastic enough to get involved beyond that. I don't see any benefit to arguing with people online about issues. I have been feeling pretty helpless.

But in her chapter on cosmetics, Gibson reminded me what really counts - and what I've always said: follow the money. I may not have a lot of money, and I may not buy as many cosmetics as my daughter, but I can choose which companies get my money.

I have chosen Ecco Bella as my cosmetics provider. They're affordable enough and not only have a female CEO, but their company has not yet been purchased by one of the larger companies that have bought many of the female-led brands.

I was using Grove Collaborative for many of my eco-friendly products (including the bamboo straws that I have in my purse at all times), but when I saw that not only their CEO is male, their entire Board is male, I made the switch to Mightynest. While the CEO is male, the co-founder is female (they're a couple), their COO is female, and one female Board member. Better than Grove!

I found billie to provide my razors. They're the same price as that other shave club (which, BTW, just got purchased by Gillette, and also is run by males), and is run by a female. I found Goddess Garden for sunscreen and SmartyPits for natural (aluminum free) deodorant, both female-led companies. After Newish closed its doors, I found A Curated Thrift, a secondhand clothing subscription service, which is led by a woman.

Even before I started this quest, I'd switched from Betterment to ElleVest, an online investing platform made by and for women. (At the time I made the switch, Betterment did not have a single female on its Board.)

The most frustrating part of this journey is how unbelievably hard it is to find out who runs or owns these companies. I would really love for someone to run a website where I can just type in the item I want to buy, and refine results to those companies that are either run by women, or have at least 50% female Board members. (Just to be clear, when I say "woman" or "female," I would also include transgender women.) 

In my search for that optimum search, I have found Purse Power, Women Owned, and the Feminist Directory. Those have helped, but not always. I was about to give up on new shoes when I thought of Etsy, and found shoes handmade by a couple (still not ideal, but at least independent and half-owned by a woman).

Of course, this isn't everything I buy, and I still buy products from the big brands, but I will continue to search for viable alternatives as much as possible. It is true that sometimes these products are more expensive than what I could find in national retailers, but most of the time, the price tag isn't that much higher. If it is a lot higher, I keep searching!

I know that my dollars aren't enough to change things, but they are my dollars, and I get to decide who gets them. I've long requested female doctors/health care providers. Now I'm just extending the list as much as I can.

We've pretty much been half the population always, and in the past century, we have made a lot of progress towards true equality. But not nearly enough. Not NEARLY enough! And in the past few decades, the progress has stalled. I do believe that as long as we are vastly outnumbered in government and business, these gender gaps will stay relatively the same. The only way to change things is for women to be in powerful positions. The only way to get them there is to demand it.

We have seen glimpses of this working already. More corporations are at least trying to placate us on International Women's Day. They are becoming more aware that we make the majority of decisions on consumer spending. But as long as we keep giving them our money without any female representation on their Board or in the C-suite positions, we can't be too surprised that they don't make any real effort to change things. It doesn't look broken to them!

When I have canceled subscriptions or deleted my account, I tell them that it's because they don't have enough female representation. Imagine if even 10% of women did this! Imagine if profit margins fell and those former customers told them that's why we were leaving. Even if they thought it was just to look good, just having more women in those meetings would make a difference.

I am also so encouraged by the generations behind me. I see that my daughters and their friends will not accept inequality in the workplace. I have learned from them that things I thought were just the cost of being a woman are not (and should never have been) acceptable. I have seen the conversation change in my adult life.

Even as awful as things are right now, there is some progress that cannot be stopped. Part of that progress is that we no longer need a man's permission before we take out our wallet. So let's take full advantage of that.

Kakeibo: Another Way to Think About Budgeting

I enjoyed learning about KonMari (the Japanese decluttering method by Marie Kondo), so I was intrigued when I read about Kakeibo, a Japanese method of budgeting. It sounds a lot like the Magic Little Notebook method I first used before YNAB (which probably stemmed from the Kakeibo method, but I just didn't know it). 

In the Kakeibo article, there was reference to a study finding that students who take handwritten notes retain the information better than those who use laptops or other electronic means. 

I think that's why I took to YNAB so well - I was already in the habit of tracking my expenses, and the app just made it easier to do so. 

This Kakeibo method uses questions that are similar to the YNAB Rules:

Kakeibo: How much money do you have available?

YNAB Rule One: Give every dollar a job. 

In both cases, you only deal with the money you actually have today. 

Kakeibo: How much money do you want to save?

YNAB Rule Two: Embrace your true expenses.

In both cases, you are looking at what you will need in the future. 

Kakeibo: How much are you spending?

YNAB Rule Three: Roll with the punches.

In both cases, you are looking at what's actually happening to your money in the present. 

Kakeibo: How can you improve?

YNAB Rule Four: Age your money.

In both cases, you are looking at how you can improve your financial situation. 

It's also interesting that both methods use four steps. 

So if you have tried YNAB, but found that you weren't actually using the app, maybe it's time to take a step back and put pen to paper. 

If you have tried Kakeibo, but found the handwriting too tedious, maybe it's time to give YNAB a whirl (use this link for a free month). 

Of course, there are other ways to do this without using either Kakeibo or YNAB. The important thing is to continue to try to spend less than you make, and grow your savings. When it comes down to it, that's really the point. 

 

Balancing Affordable Shopping

I hate shopping for clothes. I don't want to pay full price at retail stores in malls (plus, I hate malls), and while I have found some good options at Goodwill or the like, it usually takes too long to find something in my size that I actually want. I tried StitchFix a few years ago, but that's not exactly affordable, either.

A couple of months ago, I came across ItsNewish. This combines the "personal shopper" experience that companies like StitchFix offer, with two important distinctions.

One: As you might guess from the name, these are gently used clothes. Don't worry, they're washed and arrive in good condition. I've even had a few items come with tags. Not only does this help with value, but let's face it: there's already too much waste in the world. Buying something used is good for the environment!

Two: It's a flat price. You either pay $40 for 2 items per month, or $60 for 4 items per month. I love that I know exactly how much it will cost each month. (Okay, it's actually $39.95 or $59.95.)

They also have a free exchange policy.  You have to go to the site and fill out a form about why you're returning it, but this also helps them understand any issues and they'll do better next time! Just note that you won't receive your exchange item until the next month's shipment.

I was thrilled with the first pair of dress pants they sent. They have usable front pockets! And they fit really well, which can be difficult for me since I'm 5'3". I've also gotten a few blouses that are just the right side of different than what I would've chosen for myself, but still feel like me, only better.

You can also request items that you see on their site, but that's too much like shopping for me. I have, however, let them know if I'm looking for something in particular, and they've come through. 

If you use my referral code: NEWISHAM9899, you will get 25% off, and I'll get a referral fee. But I started recommending them to my friends and family even before they offered the referral program.

(I also tried ThredUp's "Goody Box," but I wasn't thrilled. Out of 15 items, I only kept 2, and the box is friggin' huge and a PITA to ship back.)

Call me high maintenance, but I want affordable clothes that I like and fit me without having to go anywhere. Thanks to ItsNewish, I'm getting exactly what I want!

(Don't forget to use my referral code: NEWISHAM9899)

Why I Hate Walt Whitman and other parenting lessons I've learned

As Sylvia nears her 21st birthday and Riley starts college next month, I'm about to enter the next era of parenting. It will no longer be my responsibility to get them to school or feed them dinner anymore. Of course, being a mother never stops, but it certainly changes.

This feels like a good time to assess and to share what I have learned in these years. One of the earliest is why I hate Walt Whitman.

He (and others) depicted motherhood for us. Let's just start with the wrongness of that sentiment, shall we? One of the many "pale males" telling us what good motherhood looks like. We are to cradle our babies in a rocking chair, soothing, nurturing, with all the patience in the world.

Sure, I have memories that I will treasure forever of holding these girls in my arms. I also have memories of feeling like a failure because giving birth didn't automatically gift me with patience, or stop me from caring about my own life, career, wants, needs. Yet the messages that are instilled in us through portraits, poetry and commercials is one of that forever patient nurturer, with no thoughts or feelings of our own.

If you're a new mom, let me just tell you, it is okay to think about yourself. It is okay to want someone else to hold the child from time to time. It is okay to care for yourself.

Not only is it okay, it's good mothering.

Let's think long-term, shall we? What do we want for our children? Do we want them to be dependent upon us for the rest of their lives? Or do we want them to become independent, caring, productive individuals? Do we want them to pursue their dreams, or do we want them to always put someone else's needs before their own?

A child can't possibly learn to think for themselves, care for themselves and others, and explore all that the world has to offer if their mother (or father or other primary caregiver) never models that behavior for them.

As always, it's all about balance, of course. As a parent, you do have to make sure they're fed, bathed, housed, and yes, loved. But don't buy into the Walt Whitman model. Caring for yourself, and even caring for others besides your child, is the only way a child will learn how to be a whole human being.

Another harsh lesson: you will not be able to shield your child from being hurt, and unless you hurt them yourself, it will not be your fault.

I was watching a TV show where a woman was crying about her failure to protect her child. Now, of course, I also feel it when my child has been hurt. It sucks. It's never what we want. But our job in those moments is to help our child manage and get through their pain. If you believe that you're a failure because your child was hurt, you're not only delusional, you're welcoming self-hatred for no good reason. And when you practice self-hatred, guess what? You're also modeling self-hatred to your child. Stuff happens. To everybody.  We are not shaped by the hurt or failure, we are shaped by how we respond to it.

I also learned how to separate myself from their problems. I learned this from a book on sibling rivalry: what's their problem, what's my problem, and what's our problem? When it's their problem, I learned how to just become a sounding board. Maybe offer up some ideas, but still make it clear that it's up to them to find the solution. My problems meant I owned up to them. I could discuss it with them, make it a "teachable" moment, but they knew I was making the decision on how to move forward. Our problems were opportunities to collaborate and compromise. Of course, these didn't always result in win-win(-win) situations, but once we know how to move forward, if someone was feeling slighted, then that moved into "their problem" territory and my job was not to fix it, but to help them deal with their disappointment.

I became a better mother (and person) when I stopped giving a crap of what other people thought of my parenting. I had to do what worked for me and for us. I got better at it when I stopped reading parenting articles (like this one ;) and when I just went with what felt right. That doesn't mean I didn't continue to make mistakes. Of course, I did. But I took responsibility for them, explained why I made the decisions I did and then just kept going.

Listen, my kids aren't perfect and neither am I. Again, it's a one-way street to disappointment and failure if anyone thinks otherwise. But I do feel comfortable in my skin. And I do like my children. Not all the time, but enough to make the statement. We have lots of laughs together and I'm so excited for and proud of both of them. When something happens to either of them or me, we tell each other first. We are honest with each other, we fight with each other, and we fiercely love each other.

I tell our story not to brag or boast or tell another family how to live their lives, but to hopefully, bring some comfort and strength to any mother (or father or other primary caregiver) that doesn't think she fits the "mold" of motherhood. Smash the mold, find your voice, and you and your kids will be all right.