Single Parent Appreciation Day 2012

I completely forgot until my sweet friend Nancy just wished me a Happy Single Parents Day ...today is Single Parent Appreciation Day!

Because I wasn't prepared, I'm re-running a post from Single Parents Day 2009. Here's a list of reasons why I'm grateful to be a single parent:

1. I am no longer in an unhealthy relationship, which means my children are not growing up in a house full of distrust and harsh words.

2. I spent the first years of my daughters' lives so wrapped up in dealing with my husband, that I was not a good mother to my children. I am grateful that I have now spent more years of their lives being a better mother to them than I was when I was married.

3. My checkbook is my own. I no longer have fear when I hit the ATM since I know exactly how much I have, and how much I've spent.

4. I have sole legal custody. I am grateful that I don't have to fight with my ex about what is best for the girls.

5. I am no longer waiting for someone to show up and co-parent my girls. I have accepted the responsibility.

6. I have control of the remote. And I don't have to worry about the toilet seat.

7. I am grateful for my parents' help. I am grateful that this has brought us closer together.

8. I am grateful that single parenthood brought me back to Southern California. After living in several cities and a few different states, I know I am home.

9. As much as I bitch about having a deadbeat ex, I am grateful for my job and my ability to provide my children all of the necessities, and some extra.

10. I am grateful for the friendships I have made and those that have reached out to help and support not only me, but my daughters.

Okay, so this life ain't easy. There's not a day that goes by that doesn't present some new challenge. And sometimes I fail. But I'm here. I get up every day, and my first thought is about my children, and nearly everything I do - even the things I do for me - is for their benefit in the long run. Yep, I'd much rather be me, the single parent who is at least striving to meet the challenges, than my deadbeat who can't even show up for them.

Single parents, take a moment today to pat yourselves on the back. And if you're a friend of a single parent, take a moment to wish them well today .

More Single Parent Rhetoric

While I'm loathe to post two semi-political posts in a row, I can't stop myself. I have to take issue with this:

In an effort to encourage people to get married, Santorum has proposed eliminating head-of-household exemptions for unmarried parents, while tripling their value for married parents. "We shouldn't have incentives for people not to be married," he said in October.

First and foremost, this simply isn't true. Having recently filed my taxes, I have my paperwork handy.

In order to qualify for a Head of Household status, one has to be single and caring for others, which includes not only children and foster children, but also parents, step-parents...basically anyone that lives in your household and depends on your income for their living expenses.

The Standard Deduction for Head of Household is $8,500. The Standard Deduction for Married Filing Jointly is $11,600. The Standard Deduction for Single or Married Filing Separately is $5,800.

The quote left me under the impression that the Head of Household deduction would be greater than the Married Filing Jointly. Of course, it's not. If someone were looking for incentives based on tax code, the incentive to be married filing jointly is certainly greater than to care for others as a single person! 

If anyone thinks that $2,700 (the difference between the Single Standard Deduction and the Head of Household Standard Deduction) is enough to raise two children (or care for one or more of their elderly parents), they clearly have not looked at the price of milk in the last 80 years. Or diapers or clothes or school supplies. Here in SoCal, it doesn't even pay the rent for the additional bedroom!

The average cost of raising one child per year is nearly $14,000. 

So if you're single and wishing you could get that extra $2,700 in tax deductions: just say no. That "incentive" is not nearly enough to get the job done.

If you want to devote yourself to the care of another human being, if you want to hold a crying baby for hours, if you want to see how inventive you can be during emergency diaper situations, stand in line for hours at the kiddie roller coaster, at pre-school registration, at Back to School Nights, buying school supplies at Target, in the waiting room at doctor's offices and emergency rooms, decipher text shorthand, answer the question "what's for dinner?" ten billion times, go through 10 thermometers and 4 lamp shades in 3 years, get thrown up on in the middle of the night, get woken up to hugs and kisses (or tears), feel the truest, deepest love that could ever exist and bear witness (and responsibility) for being there for someone's entire life...and spend over $200,000 dollars in 18 years...then by all means, take that $2,700 deduction as the SMALL token it is once a year for a job well done.

Balancing my dollars with my personal politics

I am an atheist. I'm a single mom. I support the equal right to marriage (and divorce :). Not only am I a liberal, but I'm fairly certain that even if I wanted to switch parties, at least some prominent members of the GOP wouldn't want me to be part of theirs.

I also sign petitions, and choose where to spend my consumer dollars based on what I know of a company's business practices, and I choose not to watch certain TV shows or movies based on what artists have said or done.

I've heard these choices and decisions of mine as denying someone their livelihood.

Well, first of all, these people seem to be doing just fine. There are a few top rated TV shows which I won't watch because of certain actors or a premise that I find personally offensive. And there are shows I don't watch because they're not my kind of shows, I've watched the show and didn't like it, or I never got into it because there are only so many hours in the day. We all make choices every day on what we watch, and we do so for our own personal reasons. I'm not obligated to make sure everyone in show business (or the shoe business or any other business) has a livelihood.

Also, some people watch these shows (or listen to that radio show) because they totally agree with that person. I recognize and acknowledge that not everyone shares my belief system. That thing they said or did might just be supporting their livelihood because others love it as much as I hate it.

I also recognize that some people love the publicity they get for saying or doing something shocking. I'm not even certain these people actually believe everything that comes out of their mouth. Sometimes, I wonder if they only say it to shock and offend...and to get higher ratings.

Lastly, my dollars and my time are exactly that: mine. I don't necessarily think that my boycott of a company will change their mind or put them out of business, but one of the benefits of capitalism is supposed to be that it's my choice as a consumer where to spend my money. I've never forced anyone else to not shop somewhere...I don't have that kind of control anyway! But just like we choose a grocery store by location, sales or coupons, we can also make choices for political reasons. If someone asked me why I don't shop somewhere, I'm happy to tell them, but I don't expect that they will join me. For all I know, someone could decide to shop there for the very reason I said I was boycotting them! On the same token, I can say no if you invite me to a certain restaurant that supported a proposition that bans equal rights.

It's not right or wrong to boycott for political reasons. It's not right or wrong to choose one service provider over another. And I'm sure these businesses and persons factor in their own behaviors with their own bottom lines. We all make choices as consumers, as citizens, as parents every single day.

The only "wrong," really, would be to presume that everyone will agree with me.

What Stability Really Means

This post sat in my drafts forgotten for a while, but was originally inspired by the thoughtful discussion at Since My Divorce on the decision to rent or own post-divorce. Divorce attorney Brian E. Arnold's comment was something that took me a few years to learn:

You...think that the kids will care, when all they really care about is going to the same schools and having the same friends. It is a hard road, but you can do it.

One of the things we're told over and over as we're going through the separation/divorce process is how critical it is to maintain stability for the children. Unfortunately, like the phrase "parental involvement" in education, no one really tells us what that means.

Stability does not mean you spend more than you can afford to keep a house or a child's extra-curricular activity. Our kids are far better off having financially stable parents that are secure in their ability to provide food and shelter.

Stability does not mean you force everyone to spend a holiday together while Mom and Dad are tense and uncomfortable, and the children just wait for the fight to ensue. Stability means that the children can relax and enjoy the company of Mom or Dad. (If you are amicable, by all means, enjoy, but don't force something if you or your ex is not ready yet.)

Stability does not mean you hold yourself back from trying something new now that you're "free," like a new job or going back to school. If you're feeling confident and proud of yourself, your kids will feel confident and proud, too. Even if it means a change in the schedule.

While very few people look forward to divorce, we do it because we truly believe it's the best thing for ourselves and our children. We want to do right by them, and because of our best intentions, we take on sacrifices eagerly. Sometimes, too eagerly. Sometimes, our children would be happy for change that creates real stability.

Personality versus learned behavior

I figure if this concept is worth talking about to two different friends for two different reasons, it's probably good enough for a post.

Both of them were telling me about the strides they've made in overcoming what they believed were character weaknesses. In each instance, I had to disagree.

I have to say, Situations Matter has really stuck with me, and the reason I disagreed with my friends.

One spoke about overcoming his obstacle to asking for and accepting assistance. While he was pleased with this, he also addressed it as a "hang-up" he had. When we spoke about it more, we realized where his resistance had been learned. He'd had someone in his life that offered help with major strings attached. That experience taught him to resist help.

Another was wary to talk about a new man in her life because of past relationships gone wrong. She spoke about having closed herself off for so long, and learning to open up again. I countered that maybe she needed that time. And she's also been putting herself out there in other ways, keeping incredibly busy with other extra-curricular activities in addition to working full-time. She didn't shut herself down, she just went after other things.

Some of the best people I know spend far too much time beating themselves up and working hard on themselves...and there are others I know that would never think to look inward that really should!

Of course, we want to learn from our mistakes. Of course we should all strive to be better people. The difference, I think, is in understanding that our reactions are usually based on learned behavior.

"The big picture" is seeing all the moving parts; the who, what, where, when and how does indeed tell the whole story.

Budgeting Update: Post-Tax Refund

My dad remarked that my 4-digit refunds are like my interest-free forced savings account. I totally agree, and I'm okay with that. As much as I would love to be more disciplined, I just can't ever seem to keep my monthly expenses from increasing whenever my monthly income increases. At some point, I just have to accept my personal limitations, and still figure out how to make it work.

I put about 3/4 of my state refund in my actual savings account, and spent about 1/4. The girls and I love our new Wi-Fi Blue-Ray player. I also got myself some shoes, a new purse, and happily went grocery shopping for 3 weeks without minding the budget! The federal refund will go entirely to paying down my high-interest credit card. It won't completely pay it off, but I should be able to accomplish that by the end of 2012 and cross that item off my budget for good!  (Or until the next emergency, whichever comes first.)

I used to drive myself crazy, spending the $$ in my head about 15 different ways from the time of filing until it actually hit my bank account. Now I know, I'm going to do a little of everything; I'm going to save a little, spend a little, and pay down debt.

Of course, I wish I could get to the point of not having debt at all, but again, I've had to accept both who I am and what our circumstances are. The fact is, I'm a single parent that doesn't receive child support. The fact is, I live in one of the most expensive cities in the country.  I acknowledge that some of it is by choice, and some of it is not, but it is what it is.

So my non-expert method is in line, after all, with Suze Orman's: I stand in my truth. While I will most likely never have her recommended 8-month emergency savings, I'm also responsible enough to always pay my bills on time. When that high-interest credit card has a zero balance, I will celebrate by streaming something on our Blue-Ray...with a homemade cocktail.

Balancing Teen Communication

As I've mentioned, these past few weeks of parenting my 14-year-old have been rough. At the heart of the matter has been a struggle for effective communication. So I was thrilled when TSL asked me to read Teenage as a Second Language by Barbara R. Greenberg & Jennifer A. Powell-Lunder.

Admittedly, some of these things are so much easier said than done. While parents of teenagers have been at this a while, it really does feel like you're starting all over again at a certain point in their adolescence. I thought it would be at 13, but it turns out it really hits when they're high school freshmen.

Of course, when you step back and think about it, the authors make a lot of sense. This is a time of great change in our children's lives, so it stands to reason that they would change right along with it. They're a little anxious, too. They are overwhelmed with emotions and new ideas and homework and the idea of their futures as adults is scaring them just as much as it may be scaring the parents.

This combination of anxiety, fear and confusion can greatly hinder our ability to communicate effectively. I can understand it on an intellectual level, but getting my heart to understand is a different matter.

So the reminders in Teenage as a Second Language came at the perfect time. We'd spent so many days and weeks just talking about this one issue or not talking at all. I was finally able to let go. During our commute, I allowed all of us to just be again.

When we arrived home, Sylvia said, "wow, Mom, we actually just had a conversation."  At that point, we could have a real discussion about the issue. We were both able to check our emotions and just talk to each other, and more importantly, I think we both finally felt heard.


Teenage as a Second Language reminds parents that we can't force our teens to communicate when they're not in a good place for it. It's more effective to remind our teens that we're here for them, and let them come to us. The book incorporates a lot of do's and don'ts (though I could've done without the don'ts), and plenty of ideas for conversation starters that can help provoke longer answers than "fine."

The authors also remind us parents that our teenagers really do still care about what we have to say and how we feel about them. Just as we'd like different responses sometimes, it works both ways. The book includes many tools for to get both parents and teenagers to speak the same language.

I was given a complimentary review copy of this book, and all opinions expressed are entirely my own. I'm bookmarking the authors' Talking Teenage site, and subscribing to their blog.