Savvy Shopping

Give me a few days off from my routine, the opportunity to do nothing, and I'll absolutely take advantage of it. Just getting back into the groove again.
We had a lovely Thanksgiving with my family down at my sister's house. Hope you all did, too!

My big news: at last, I have an iPhone! My work allowed me to upgrade from a Blackberry to an iPhone, and I spent a lot of the holiday weekend playing. One of the first apps I downloaded: Savvy. Particularly at this time of year, this app will come in handy.

Basically, this free app can save you money in 3 different ways:

1. My Buys. Scan a pic of the bar code of your purchase from a participating store.  If the item goes on sale within that store's stated time frame, you'll receive an alert from Savvy with instructions on how to redeem the difference.
2. Deal Maker. Scan a pic of the bar code of an item you want, but not at that price, and tell Savvy how much you're willing to pay. If the item goes on sale for that price, Savvy will alert you.
3. Watch List. Scan a pic of the bar code of an item you want, but not at that price. Savvy will tell you if it goes on sale at all. 

 Currently, there are about 40 stores participating, and of course, Savvy hopes to keep that list growing.

And now, disclosure time: Savvy fed me brunch and gave me cash to try out the Savvy app. (At the time, I didn't have an iPhone, and they were kind enough to allow us to extend an invite to a non-blogger friend, who was also impressed with the app.) Oh, and they gave me a Savvy iPhone cover, which I am totally using! I have not received further compensation, and all opinions are my own.

And the best news? You don't actually need an iPhone or Droid (Droid app coming soon) in order to take advantage of what Savvy has to offer. You can also manually enter the bar code at the Savvy website. 

Please keep in mind, Savvy is still in Beta, so you may encounter a few glitches here and there, but I'm sure those savvy (and sweet) folks will work any issues out promptly.

Happy Turkey Day

This song, particularly this version starring the fabulous Donna McKechnie, always makes me and the girls smile.

I'm Both Involved and a Slacker

Twice in two days, I was complimented by people on my successful efforts to get the girls admitted in their current schools. Just a few days later, I felt like a total slacker mom.

Riley informed me she had to do a project. Just the word alone makes me cringe and groan. She had to make an Egyptian pyramid. Oh, joy.

I know some parents love these kinds of things. I'm totally not one of them.

With Sylvia, it was easier. She's got that artistic ability to make something out of nothing. Riley, on the other hand, wants everything just so, and cannot think of worthy alternatives if/when things don't work out that way.

And as I wrote that, it occurred to me how odd this is. Riley is such a great problem solver in every other area. She's also a great student. I guess she inherited my "hate school projects" gene.

Eventually, and admittedly after much attitude on my part, Riley was able to finish her project, both without my having to shop for supplies, and without my having to help.

I have also been a slacker mom when it comes to parent meetings at Sylvia's school. Like I haven't been to anything. I totally would've gone to Back to School Night, had I not had tech rehearsal that night. I've been available time-wise to attend everything else...and haven't.

In my mind, I spend 3 hours on the road in my commitment to my daughters' education. In my mind, as it is, we're not going to get home until close to 7 and we have to eat, and there's still homework to do, and what are the girls going to do while I'm at the meeting. In my mind, the time I could spend at a parents meeting is time I could actually spend with both my daughters, and I choose my daughters.

While I was involved on the PTA board at Riley's old school, and on the parent committee of their after-school program last year, neither of those commitments felt as much like sacrifice. I'm quite certain that was because our weekdays weren't as long as they are now.

I realize my slack may color some people's perceptions of me as a mother, including their teachers. But I'm okay with that. Well, not okay necessarily, but I don't seem to care enough to change it.

Surviving Tween/Teen Daughter Tantrums

A couple of years ago, when Sylvia was 12, sucked. Her mood swings were completely unpredictable and she was far too big for time-outs. I've never considered myself a patient person, and I was fairly convinced that I'd used it all up to survive her toddler years. I was at a loss.

I wrote a desperate email to sweatpantsmom, begging for survival tips. If you've read her posts (or lucky enough to know her, as I am), you won't be surprised that her response was thoughtful, funny and chock-full of empathy for my situation. Just the validation was helpful.

She mentioned something about finding her "Zen," her peaceful place in those moments where your hormonal daughter is pushing all of your buttons.

My previous methods for finding my Zen place during Sylvia's toddler years were no longer effective. Consequences weren't working, even trying to lock myself in the bathroom wasn't working. I would try so very hard not to respond, but she could see that she was close to breaking me and sometimes, she did.

After the email exchange, I felt rejuvenated enough to try something new.

The next time Sylvia got out of control, instead of trying to order her to her room or leave the room myself, I would think of something that needs to be done in the room. (And hey, something always needs to be done.) I would wash the dishes, sort the mail, dust, anything that was an accomplishment of sorts that didn't require thought.

That productive act would allow me to be distracted and also feel okay about myself. Sylvia would continue to taunt me for a while, but when she could see she was no longer getting to me, in frustration, she would go to her room. After she'd calmed down, she would come back and apologize to me, and it would be over.

I've never known telling someone to "calm down" to be effective in actually calming anyone. Telling Sylvia to calm down didn't help; telling myself to calm down wouldn't help. I think the reason this method works for me is that it's not trying to dissipate that energy, but instead, use that energy proactively. And no matter how small, it's hard to feel angry or frustrated when you've just accomplished something!

To be clear, Sylvia is not a horrible child by any means. With a little distance, I knew that she was just overwhelmed. It was partly hormonal, but mostly, just being a 7th grader - the worst grade we've had so far. And part of the gig is that she knows she can pretty much do anything, and I'll still love her. I've created that safe haven for her, sometimes to my own detriment. Still, that's who I am as a parent.

I remember being on the other side, too. I remember feeling like things that seem trivial now did indeed feel like the end of the world back then. As I said in my post to my mom, I took full advantage of her unconditional love as well.

This is just what it means to parent a tween/teen daughter. (I can't speak for the other gender.)

I was talking to a friend of mind about this tactic, and it occurred to me, I don't think I wrote about this back then. As Riley will be 12 and in 7th grade next year, I could use the reminder!

Giving Up

The girls started a conversation in the car the other day about their dad. It started with Riley asking how I told them we were getting a divorce. Somehow, that morphed into a talk about how they're dealing with things today.

Riley started by saying she hated her dad, but I told her, she really doesn't. She's angry at him, and rightly so, but she doesn't hate him. She clarified that she has moments that she hates him. She said she hates it when he breaks his promises. Fair enough.

Sylvia said what she really hates is when people tell her she can't give up on him. We talked about how they just don't get it. That even if she tries to explain it to them, they will never fully understand what it's been like and how many times he's disappointed her. That for her, giving up is actually a huge step in the right direction. She's protecting herself from further disappointment by not setting herself up for it.

This is not to say that she wouldn't be happy for him if he did change his life around. But we talked about how he would need to prove it first, that words just aren't enough. And how she can't count on it, because all the evidence so far has shown that he can't.

I know most people wouldn't quite understand giving up on a parent, but at some point, we all face that our parents are just people. They see me as just a person. They recognize that while they've lost a dad growing up, I lost a partner and a co-parent. When they talk about how much they've been hurt by him, they know I get it because I was, too. Part of humanizing parents is recognizing our weaknesses, our mistakes. They've had to endure all his mistakes, and it's easier for them to do so when they see him as just a person.

We even talked about the fact that he's not evil or anything. He just can't quite do it, he just can't be a grown-up that lives up to his responsibilities. I can totally understand Sylvia's frustration at those who tell her not to give up, when giving up is the only way we can really cope with it.

We played a little of the "what if" game. If he did turn his life around, they would love it. If he could be a real parent, they would embrace that. But, they also said, he could never make up for the time he's lost. He would still never know them the way that he could have had he been around the last few years. I told them, that's his loss. But I know it's theirs, too.

I can't change any of it and of course, it hurts to know how much they've hurt. But I also can't help but feel so proud of them.

Weekend Reading

I finally posted somewhere else! At MomsLA, my post is on the lack of control we have as parents.

Smart Financial Tips

Okay, so stupid vs smart isn't necessarily the most accurate way to describe them, but it keeps it simple at least.

And I'm sorry that I don't remember exactly where I read/heard what, but at least the advice stuck!

The Budget is not set in stone. Actually, I think I heard this in another area entirely. I remember hearing the U.S. Constitution described as a living, breathing document, but somehow, I also took it to heart in terms of my budgeting. I'm always taking line items off my spreadsheet, adding new ones, messing with the numbers. For instance, I thought with the increase in our commute, I would be spending $40 a week on gas when I'd previously been spending $40 every two weeks. Well, the reality of it is I'm spending about $80 a week on gas. This is not an area where I can presently cut back; it is what it is. Other numbers have to change, and my budget now accurately reflects that.

Using the Triangle. Again, I didn't first learn this as financial advice, but I remember learning about the Triangle, where you can have two of the following: cost, time, or quality, but you cannot have all three. I think about that in terms of spending. It may be cheaper to buy produce at a Farmer's Market, but the hours don't generally mesh with my schedule. An item could be on sale, but is it worth it even then? For each line item in my budget, I try to assess its true worth beyond the dollar amount.

Splurge sensibly. I splurge on little things, like buying songs we want on iTunes, and going to lunch with friends. Anything over $20, however, takes a lot more consideration. As Suze recommends, I try to look into the future and determine if I'll regret it. Like this laptop on which I'm currently writing this post. True, I could've used that $$ towards paying down credit card debt, but I have not regretted this purchase. It's come in very handy for keeping the family peace. Over this past year, even this past week, there have been dozens of things I've considered, but haven't purchased. I don't regret those decisions, either. I generally don't actually spend the money the first time I've thought about it, but go back to it 3 or 4 times before hitting that "add to cart" button.

Shop online. You always get the benefit of the time factor, so the only things left are quality and cost. There's no pressure of salespeople or signs dramatizing the urgency of the discount. You don't have to settle, but can keep looking for exactly what you want. You can bookmark it and come back later if it doesn't fit in your budget right now. Even if that sales price goes away, you can look for the item on other sites for that price when you're ready to buy. And hey, if it ends up being a purchase you regret, it's so much easier to just fill out the return info and ship it back then find the time to go wait in a customer service line. (And the receipt is always easier for me to locate in my email than in my purse.)

First retirement, then your children's future. Since I basically started over 8 years ago, the very basics of Maslow's chart needed to be met first. After we were settled, it was time to start thinking about the future. I, of course, started hyperventilating at the thought of paying for college. But I've been told by colleagues and experts that it's like the airlines tell you: first, put the mask on yourself, and then the children. So right now, I'm maxing my 401k, trying to build savings and decrease debt before I can think about what I can do for them. While of course we hope for scholarships, realistically what will most likely happen is that they'll take out some student loans, and I'll subsidize their living costs.

People first, then money, then things. No secret where I got this Suze Orman mantra. I've covered "People first" into the ground already. While I may not have the latest tech gadgets, my bills are always paid on time. It's kind of like another way of saying, it's all about balance.