Saturday, August 13, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
The Last Day of My Summer Vacation
Today's my last official day of my two week vacation. Tomorrow, I pick up the girls, and Monday, Riley starts school. Sylvia starts on Tuesday.
I think I feel ready. For all of it.
Thanks to the time off, we got our back-to-school shopping done during working hours, which made it a lot less hectic. We went through last year's backpacks and cleaned them out. We re-claimed the homework desk.
On this last day, I've been trying to figure out what else really needed to get done before Monday.
The number one priority for today: thoroughly clean the coffee pot.
I think I feel ready. For all of it.
Thanks to the time off, we got our back-to-school shopping done during working hours, which made it a lot less hectic. We went through last year's backpacks and cleaned them out. We re-claimed the homework desk.
On this last day, I've been trying to figure out what else really needed to get done before Monday.
The number one priority for today: thoroughly clean the coffee pot.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Budgeting Priorities
A few months ago, I started a separate account with my credit union (costs me nothing, love my credit union) that was going to be for a vacation. At first, I'd hoped to take the girls to Hawaii this holiday season, but I soon realized there was no way there would be enough in mere months. Then I thought maybe next holiday season, but then a new shiny object caught my eye. A laptop.
Our PC is 8 years old. In computer years, I think it would qualify for social security. While I've tried to be patient with it, patience has always been tough for me. And as the girls have gotten older, they want to play games and such on it. The hours of maintenance are now outweighing the hours of regular use. Enough is enough. So I took that vacation money and invested it in something that will last at least longer than a week on the beach (even in computer years).
One of the reasons I was happy to stay at home instead of travel is the thought of the actual travel process anyway. As fabulous as our NYC trip was, it was bookended by the hours not just in the air, but in the airport, waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Worth it? Of course.
But when there's only so much in the budget, when the credit card is put away and used only for genuine necessities (like my recent 120k mile car service that cost several hundred dollars), there's only so much left over for large expenses. I would rather use that $$ towards things that enhance our daily life.
When I was younger, I used to be all about experiences; fabulous memories. Now, of course, my memory is practically non-existent so I suppose that's part of what's changed my priorities. Still, I think it's more of an adjustment rather than a change of heart.
I still love going to the theatre, but I limit those experiences to what's available on Goldstar. I love getting together with friends, but we go to places with more reasonable prices or during Happy Hour so that the experiences are about being together rather than being at the "right" place. One of the girls' favorite places to go is Griffith Park, a free destination to all (with free parking, too!).
This school year, I'm no longer going to spend my evenings making lunches, but making room in the budget to allow the girls to buy. Because we'll be spending more time driving and less time at home, I want to spend more of that time actually with the girls instead of in the kitchen. Riley's charter school is already committed to providing healthy lunches, and Sylvia will have options - and as a high schooler now, it's going to be her responsibility at lunch time to make the right choices. I know Sylvia won't always do so, but we have to start somewhere. Sylvia and I have also discussed splitting the lunch cost so that she will use some of her earnings to buy it, which also gives her some ownership. I'll be coming home more for lunch to make up the difference - and to enjoy a little time at home alone.
I want to make everyday life as enjoyable as possible for me and the girls. It's a priority every day.
Our PC is 8 years old. In computer years, I think it would qualify for social security. While I've tried to be patient with it, patience has always been tough for me. And as the girls have gotten older, they want to play games and such on it. The hours of maintenance are now outweighing the hours of regular use. Enough is enough. So I took that vacation money and invested it in something that will last at least longer than a week on the beach (even in computer years).
One of the reasons I was happy to stay at home instead of travel is the thought of the actual travel process anyway. As fabulous as our NYC trip was, it was bookended by the hours not just in the air, but in the airport, waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Worth it? Of course.
But when there's only so much in the budget, when the credit card is put away and used only for genuine necessities (like my recent 120k mile car service that cost several hundred dollars), there's only so much left over for large expenses. I would rather use that $$ towards things that enhance our daily life.
When I was younger, I used to be all about experiences; fabulous memories. Now, of course, my memory is practically non-existent so I suppose that's part of what's changed my priorities. Still, I think it's more of an adjustment rather than a change of heart.
I still love going to the theatre, but I limit those experiences to what's available on Goldstar. I love getting together with friends, but we go to places with more reasonable prices or during Happy Hour so that the experiences are about being together rather than being at the "right" place. One of the girls' favorite places to go is Griffith Park, a free destination to all (with free parking, too!).
This school year, I'm no longer going to spend my evenings making lunches, but making room in the budget to allow the girls to buy. Because we'll be spending more time driving and less time at home, I want to spend more of that time actually with the girls instead of in the kitchen. Riley's charter school is already committed to providing healthy lunches, and Sylvia will have options - and as a high schooler now, it's going to be her responsibility at lunch time to make the right choices. I know Sylvia won't always do so, but we have to start somewhere. Sylvia and I have also discussed splitting the lunch cost so that she will use some of her earnings to buy it, which also gives her some ownership. I'll be coming home more for lunch to make up the difference - and to enjoy a little time at home alone.
I want to make everyday life as enjoyable as possible for me and the girls. It's a priority every day.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
One Week Down, One to Go
I'm in the middle of my first two-week vacation since I started with my current employer 8 years ago. It is freaking awesome.
So many people asked where I was going. Nowhere, I happily answered. What are you and the girls going to do? Mostly, take a break from each other! They're home with me on and off during these two weeks, but I took the time so that I could actually not be with anyone.
I love my job, my friends, my family, but what I really wanted was to just be. Few expectations, few responsibilities, and do what I want to do.
It's been a busy summer, and once school starts, we're going to be busier than ever. So when this opportunity came along, I grabbed it.
Ironically, my work Bberry suffered a malfunction that rendered it useless my last day in the office. While it was weird for a while, it's been quite freeing not to have it. Whatever's going on is not my problem right now.
My past days off has usually been limited to a couple of days here and there, and my mind would be cluttered with shoulds. I should be cleaning out the closet, I should be doing this or that. This time, there's enough time that when I feel like doing something, I do it. And when I don't, there is no guilt to fight. I won't be able to do this again for at least a couple of years, so I'm enjoying it as much as possible.
I think by the time this is over, I'll be ready to get back to real life. I like my real life, so even if I groan when the alarm goes off again, I'll get over it soon enough.
Right now, I'm thrilled that it's still another week away.
So many people asked where I was going. Nowhere, I happily answered. What are you and the girls going to do? Mostly, take a break from each other! They're home with me on and off during these two weeks, but I took the time so that I could actually not be with anyone.
I love my job, my friends, my family, but what I really wanted was to just be. Few expectations, few responsibilities, and do what I want to do.
It's been a busy summer, and once school starts, we're going to be busier than ever. So when this opportunity came along, I grabbed it.
Ironically, my work Bberry suffered a malfunction that rendered it useless my last day in the office. While it was weird for a while, it's been quite freeing not to have it. Whatever's going on is not my problem right now.
My past days off has usually been limited to a couple of days here and there, and my mind would be cluttered with shoulds. I should be cleaning out the closet, I should be doing this or that. This time, there's enough time that when I feel like doing something, I do it. And when I don't, there is no guilt to fight. I won't be able to do this again for at least a couple of years, so I'm enjoying it as much as possible.
I think by the time this is over, I'll be ready to get back to real life. I like my real life, so even if I groan when the alarm goes off again, I'll get over it soon enough.
Right now, I'm thrilled that it's still another week away.
Friday, August 5, 2011
In Memoriam: Annette Charles Cardona
Best known as Cha-Cha in the movie Grease, Annette Cardona (as I knew her; Annette Charles was her credit in Grease) died this week. I was lucky enough to know her as my dance teacher. Not just my favorite dance teacher of all time, but also one of my favorite people.
Annette carried herself just the way you'd imagine. She was regal, she was a lady, and she had a warm heart. She pushed, but in the best way possible. The best dancing I ever did was thanks to what she taught me.
To be clear, I was never a dancer. I loved to dance, but I was most definitely a singer/actor who danced. Or moved well.
Thanks to Annette, I was actually a dance captain in my first Equity show, and the female lead dancer.
She was firm, but she never yelled. She would get quiet so we would have to listen with intensity. She taught us how dancing with emotion actually improved the technique. I remember the warm-ups in particular. We would plie and breathe, and if we weren't breathing with every fiber of our being, we would do it over and over until the class was breathing in unison.
She taught us how to express who we are through movement. She didn't care who had the best extension, she wanted us to reach our own best.
Every so often, in lieu of choreographing a routine, she had us improv based on the music. Our dance was to match how the music made us feel. And one class in particular - ironically, one of my last classes with her - I was a dancer. A real dancer.
I loved watching her. I loved watching her on film, I loved when she laughed, I loved the way she carried herself. She had that 40s film star way about her. She was a true lady. Whenever I think of Annette, I automatically straighten my back.
We crossed paths at various times starting with my sophomore year in high school. We'd just connected again, thanks to FB. Even though it's been years since I stepped foot in her class, I remember it with more clarity than I remember last week. She's the type of person that's engraved in your soul.
I'm so grateful that she was a part of my life. And I love that, thanks to film, she was a part of all of our lives.
Thank you, Annette.
Annette carried herself just the way you'd imagine. She was regal, she was a lady, and she had a warm heart. She pushed, but in the best way possible. The best dancing I ever did was thanks to what she taught me.
To be clear, I was never a dancer. I loved to dance, but I was most definitely a singer/actor who danced. Or moved well.
Thanks to Annette, I was actually a dance captain in my first Equity show, and the female lead dancer.
She was firm, but she never yelled. She would get quiet so we would have to listen with intensity. She taught us how dancing with emotion actually improved the technique. I remember the warm-ups in particular. We would plie and breathe, and if we weren't breathing with every fiber of our being, we would do it over and over until the class was breathing in unison.
She taught us how to express who we are through movement. She didn't care who had the best extension, she wanted us to reach our own best.
Every so often, in lieu of choreographing a routine, she had us improv based on the music. Our dance was to match how the music made us feel. And one class in particular - ironically, one of my last classes with her - I was a dancer. A real dancer.
I loved watching her. I loved watching her on film, I loved when she laughed, I loved the way she carried herself. She had that 40s film star way about her. She was a true lady. Whenever I think of Annette, I automatically straighten my back.
We crossed paths at various times starting with my sophomore year in high school. We'd just connected again, thanks to FB. Even though it's been years since I stepped foot in her class, I remember it with more clarity than I remember last week. She's the type of person that's engraved in your soul.
I'm so grateful that she was a part of my life. And I love that, thanks to film, she was a part of all of our lives.
Thank you, Annette.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Owning the Tough Parental Decisions
Big Little Wolf left a thoughtful comment (as always) on my last post that making the tough decisions as a single parent means we're that we're the ones left to help our children accept those tough decisions. I'd mentioned in that post that we have to own it.
In the beginning, I rarely made those tough decisions completely on my own. I went to friends and family, asking their opinions, and everyone would bring up great points from a different perspective that gave me a better idea of the big picture.
The hardest decisions usually came up when their dad was in jail. Do I tell the girls, do I shield them from it? I didn't want to lie to them on his behalf, but I didn't want to scare them too much, either. I took everyone's opinion into consideration, and figured out how to frame it with the help of a therapist. (And repeated this about 3 times.)
It was hard. They did struggle, and as BLW mentioned, I did have to deal with the fall-out. But again, I got help with that, and took them to a therapist (what we called a "feelings doctor"). They were always great about taking advantage of that, and not freezing up, but being open and honest with the therapist about what they were feeling.
After going through this several times, it hurt them less and less each time. As they grew in maturity, and knew they had many around them that loved them, they came to accept that his actions had nothing to do with them.
Our problems these days are of the much more, dare I say, "normal" variety. And as a mom, I have to deal with each and every single one of them. Or, I have to make the decision not to deal with the problem, and let the girls figure it out for themselves.
I still talk to friends and family about certain issues, I still appreciate the input they give me, and I still take full responsibility for the decisions I make. I can accept the consequences that come with my decisions because of my own faith that the decisions I made were the right ones.
Of course, I screw up now and again. I own up to those, too. I revise rules and tell them, yeah, that didn't work out. I explain when I think that it's valuable to them to understand, but I've also learned that sometimes, it's just best to shut the conversation down and move on.
I am extremely lucky to have amazing friends and family around me , but I'm finding myself making decisions more and more completely on my own. Which, actually, I hadn't really realized until sitting here, writing this. And hey, it only took me 8 years to get here!
Once I learned how to own that responsibility, without expecting or hoping anyone else would step up to the plate, I maintain that it's easier now on my own. Even if I start second-guessing myself, I don't need to worry about anyone else doubting me in front of the girls. I don't have to get anyone's permission to change the rules. The only relationships that I have to take into consideration are between me and my girls. Since the girls are always the reasons I make the decisions in the first place, I know I'm doing what I believe is right for us as a family.
Plus, I'm an admitted control freak. That helps, too.
In the beginning, I rarely made those tough decisions completely on my own. I went to friends and family, asking their opinions, and everyone would bring up great points from a different perspective that gave me a better idea of the big picture.
The hardest decisions usually came up when their dad was in jail. Do I tell the girls, do I shield them from it? I didn't want to lie to them on his behalf, but I didn't want to scare them too much, either. I took everyone's opinion into consideration, and figured out how to frame it with the help of a therapist. (And repeated this about 3 times.)
It was hard. They did struggle, and as BLW mentioned, I did have to deal with the fall-out. But again, I got help with that, and took them to a therapist (what we called a "feelings doctor"). They were always great about taking advantage of that, and not freezing up, but being open and honest with the therapist about what they were feeling.
After going through this several times, it hurt them less and less each time. As they grew in maturity, and knew they had many around them that loved them, they came to accept that his actions had nothing to do with them.
Our problems these days are of the much more, dare I say, "normal" variety. And as a mom, I have to deal with each and every single one of them. Or, I have to make the decision not to deal with the problem, and let the girls figure it out for themselves.
I still talk to friends and family about certain issues, I still appreciate the input they give me, and I still take full responsibility for the decisions I make. I can accept the consequences that come with my decisions because of my own faith that the decisions I made were the right ones.
Of course, I screw up now and again. I own up to those, too. I revise rules and tell them, yeah, that didn't work out. I explain when I think that it's valuable to them to understand, but I've also learned that sometimes, it's just best to shut the conversation down and move on.
I am extremely lucky to have amazing friends and family around me , but I'm finding myself making decisions more and more completely on my own. Which, actually, I hadn't really realized until sitting here, writing this. And hey, it only took me 8 years to get here!
Once I learned how to own that responsibility, without expecting or hoping anyone else would step up to the plate, I maintain that it's easier now on my own. Even if I start second-guessing myself, I don't need to worry about anyone else doubting me in front of the girls. I don't have to get anyone's permission to change the rules. The only relationships that I have to take into consideration are between me and my girls. Since the girls are always the reasons I make the decisions in the first place, I know I'm doing what I believe is right for us as a family.
Plus, I'm an admitted control freak. That helps, too.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Are Single Parent Families Really so Different?
Several themes come up when we talk about single parenting issues that, if we step back a little, aren't so different than the issues we would have if we were nuclear families.
Maintaining Routines. Every family has to change up their routines every so often. As children get involved in activities, families re-arrange their routines to accommodate softball practice or longer homework/study time or to make time for visiting relatives. I've found the best thing is to keep the kids as informed as possible...and yes, to repeat yourself, because it seems to take saying it at least three times before they hear it!
Two Households. While I've always had sole full-time custody, my parents' house has been like a 2nd home for my daughters. When I was getting my degree, the girls spent at least two nights a week at their house while I was in school. I worried about lack of consistency until someone reminded me that the girls will have to adjust to different teachers and classroom rules every year, and in middle school, every class. Once I let go of that concern, I realized that they had adjusted just fine. The girls recognize the differences, and see pros and cons in each. Which make both places home!
Sharing Responsibilities (or lack thereof). I remember during those first few months following the separation giving Riley a bath, wishing that just this one night, someone else was around to give the bath! Then I remembered back when I was married, and the begging and pleading I'd have to do to even get X to consider giving the baths! I realized I'd been doing everything by myself pretty much since the beginning; now all I'd lost was the expectation that someone else would help, and the disappointment when he wouldn't. I could easily let go of that!
Balancing Work and Family. No one is alone in trying to do this. In talking to married moms at work, there is not much of a difference. If anything, I'm having to manage a little less because I'm not trying to manage a spouse's needs, too!
Making the Tough Decisions. This is where we most deviate from married couples, but again, if we look at it from a different angle, we just might be better off! I don't have to worry that the girls will run to Dad if they don't like my decision. I don't have to worry that Dad won't present a united front with me. My decision is the law, period, and if I decide to change my mind, I'm at liberty to do so. (This may be different for parents that are sharing custody with their ex when it comes to some of the bigger decisions, but it still rings true for the momentary decisions we make every day in our homes. We just have to own it.)
Moms - of any relationship status - are put to the test almost every day. And we are united more than we are divided, no matter our relationship status.
Special thanks to Missy for the inspiration.
Maintaining Routines. Every family has to change up their routines every so often. As children get involved in activities, families re-arrange their routines to accommodate softball practice or longer homework/study time or to make time for visiting relatives. I've found the best thing is to keep the kids as informed as possible...and yes, to repeat yourself, because it seems to take saying it at least three times before they hear it!
Two Households. While I've always had sole full-time custody, my parents' house has been like a 2nd home for my daughters. When I was getting my degree, the girls spent at least two nights a week at their house while I was in school. I worried about lack of consistency until someone reminded me that the girls will have to adjust to different teachers and classroom rules every year, and in middle school, every class. Once I let go of that concern, I realized that they had adjusted just fine. The girls recognize the differences, and see pros and cons in each. Which make both places home!
Sharing Responsibilities (or lack thereof). I remember during those first few months following the separation giving Riley a bath, wishing that just this one night, someone else was around to give the bath! Then I remembered back when I was married, and the begging and pleading I'd have to do to even get X to consider giving the baths! I realized I'd been doing everything by myself pretty much since the beginning; now all I'd lost was the expectation that someone else would help, and the disappointment when he wouldn't. I could easily let go of that!
Balancing Work and Family. No one is alone in trying to do this. In talking to married moms at work, there is not much of a difference. If anything, I'm having to manage a little less because I'm not trying to manage a spouse's needs, too!
Making the Tough Decisions. This is where we most deviate from married couples, but again, if we look at it from a different angle, we just might be better off! I don't have to worry that the girls will run to Dad if they don't like my decision. I don't have to worry that Dad won't present a united front with me. My decision is the law, period, and if I decide to change my mind, I'm at liberty to do so. (This may be different for parents that are sharing custody with their ex when it comes to some of the bigger decisions, but it still rings true for the momentary decisions we make every day in our homes. We just have to own it.)
Moms - of any relationship status - are put to the test almost every day. And we are united more than we are divided, no matter our relationship status.
Special thanks to Missy for the inspiration.
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