I resolve to less stress

The Yahoo Mother Board has asked us to talk about resolutions. (Ironically, I found this out just hours after writing this Examiner post entitled: No resolution? Already given up? No Problem!) Years ago, I made an annual resolution to not make New Year's resolutions.

It was just too much. I was still adjusting to single motherhood, had just survived the holidays, was going to school part-time, and it felt self-sabotaging to add yet more to my plate. So I said enough. And a weight was lifted. Or rather, a self-inflicted weight was not added.

It's made New Year's so much more fun ever since!

Now, that's not to say that I don't take the opportunity to assess where I am when I need a new calendar. I take the time to reflect on where I need to improve.

So without putting a name on it, I told myself this time around that I need to get better about the housework. It at least needs a place on my priority list. I've taken some time on the weekends to clean up some 'hot spots' as FlyLady calls them. The living room looks better, as does my kitchen counter! And I'm making mental note of other areas, but I refuse to stress myself out over them. (*just to be clear here, our place is nowhere near the Grey Gardens or anything, and we can usually find everything we need to leave the house. But there is a mad dash if we have company coming!)

Still, if during the month of May, I think of something I want to do, I don't wait until December and put it in writing first. Call me impulsive, but I'd rather tackle it while I can still remember what it is!

So I'm pretty much the last person to ask if you want help with your New Year's resolution. But call me if you want someone to tell you that it's not the end of the world that you slipped. There's always tomorrow.

Yahoo provided us with a few resources to share:

Here's an article on personal finance by the Motley Fool.

Styling tips from Redbook.

Here's one that explores ways to overcome the common slip-ups.

And from fellow Mother Board members:

Tales from the Crib's Resolution?

SoCal Mom's Stinkin' Resolutions

And from my dear friend, Kori, I loved the obligatory new year's post. (Is it any wonder she's my best friend?)

If you've written about resolutions (from bah hambug to watch me soar), please add your links in the comments.

Balancing the blogging criticism

I mentioned a few days ago the perception that bloggers are narcissists, or at least, self-centered.

Fellow bloggers know that we create a community here. That we cheer each other on, commiserate together, learn from each other. We relate to one another's human experiences, and find our common ground.

So what's the root of this criticism? Is it a few bad blogs? Is it the social marketing?

No, the criticism of blogging began just about the same time as the first blog entries. I don't believe it has to do with the content of some blogs. I believe it comes from the very essence of what blogging is: using our voices.

That ability used to belong to just a select few; those lucky enough to have weekly columns or talk shows or had the money to be influential where it mattered.

As much as we tout free speech, as much as we believe in the ideology, never before has it been able to be practiced to the extent that we can today.

If we're not rich, famous, powerful, we're supposed to lead lives of quiet desperation. Bloggers refuse to do that. We speak our minds. We tell our stories. We're rarely desperate, and never quiet.

Mainly, we don't let others speak for us. We don't rely on politicians, authors or experts to tell us how we should be feeling or what we should be doing. And we demand better of them.

Personally, I'm delighted when someone thoughtfully challenges my views. If I'm not being personally attacked, I'm happy to have some back and forth discussion and debate. I have, however, had to implement some comment restrictions (sorry, BigLittleWolf) to keep my critics honest. I've had too much spam and too many hateful comments, and I will exercise my right to keep my space my own. Free speech has always had its price.

I won't run away, though, because someone slaps a label on me. I'm not afraid of being called a narcissist because I know it just isn't so.

I don't know if I'll blog forever. I'm grateful it will always remain my choice to do so.

Still, I won't ever apologize for being a blogger, or even (gasp!) a Mommy blogger. Nor will I apologize for speaking out loud. I prefer that label to being quietly desperate any day!

Friday Fragments - Jan 8, '10

Do you know about Mrs. 4444 and Friday Fragments?

***I can't believe I forgot to mention here that the PTO Magazine article, featuring yours truly, is up! I was really pleased on how it turned out, and I hope that it benefits schools and their families.

***Homework hasn't been too bad since the other night. And Riley is excited to do her diorama book report, of all things. Hey, whatever makes you happy, kid.

***We're already planning our next trip. It's in Arizona for a family anniversary, but it gives me an excuse to hang out with Nat and her family so we're excited about that. And the girls are excited to go to another state.

***I haven't done any budgeting this year yet, but I'm pleased to say that I'm doing much better fiscally right now than I thought I would.

***I put pics of our trip up on FB.

***I'm excited that the girls are now old enough to come with me to DreamDinners. We have our first family outing there tomorrow. I'm thinking it will be hectic the first couple of times, but then it'll be nice to have help!

***Even though I've ranted quite a bit here this week, I'm really fine. The beauty of blogging: having this avenue really helps me to get it all out and then move on with my life.

***I watched Julie & Julia last night, and was struck by this impression that seems to be ubiquitous these days that blogging is a form of narcissism. While I can certainly see how it could be used in that manner, I'm having a hard time believing that all bloggers are narcissists. A separate post on this may be forthcoming.

***Just one more full week of work and school and then we get another 3-day weekend :)

Apparently, I'm a national disaster!

I've dealt with this before, I'll deal with it again. In one of my email groups, one person decided to go against the grain of the group and talk about how marriage needs our support. (Oh, did I mention this was on the Alternatives to Marriage Project email list?)

As I think you all know, I'm not against marriage. I belong to that group and footloose femails not to BASH marriage, but to find like-minded people who have decided that we prefer remaining single. It's pretty hard, actually, to find groups for singles that aren't all about dating.

Now I'm not real sure why someone would be so concerned that marriage is dying. I know many happily married couples, saw a bunch of people getting engaged on Rockin' New Year's Eve, and have protested for people to have the right to get married! There seem to be plenty of people who want in on the action.

The reason they joined, it seems, is because they're trying to get federal funding to promote marriage. Because otherwise, you know, no one would do it. And AtMP is in the forefront of opposing that legislation.

So one of the people fighting for the legislation joins this list and says, "single parents and their children are a national disaster."

Um...excuse me?!? Hurricane Katrina was a national disaster. The jobless rate is a national disaster. The homeless rate is a national disaster. I am not.

At first, I was so mad that my hands were shaking so bad that I couldn't type. (And, at the time, I didn't know his agenda.) Still, I feel better now as one by one, we have proven all of his arguments false.

Of course, his biggest one is that children do better in 2-parent homes. Bella DePaulo has written extensively about the studies on this, and what she found is that children in 2-parent homes with a grandparent do even better. So what this really proves is that the more adults that love and care for a child, the better the child's chances are for success.

My daughters have two grandparents involved in their lives on a regular basis, aunts and uncles that love and care for them, the adults at their after-school program, Sylvia's former principal, friends of mine from work, their therapist and many, many more. I think they're okay.

The pro-marriage guerrilla states that juvenile crime is more likely to be committed by children in single parent homes. Juvenile crime takes place mostly between 3-6 pm, after kids get out of school and before parents come home from work. Provide more after-school programs (or keep them in school longer), and juvenile crime will go down - and not just for those children in single parent homes, but all "latch-key" children.

Interestingly, this came the day after I told a friend that my one and only regret was actually marrying X. Not being with him, mind you, but legally wedding him. It proved to be a very costly mistake.

This man claims that he wants to educate couples on marriage. As I told him, I hope that education is that of a legal one: one that lets the individuals know that what they are about to do is agree to financial responsibility to one another. That your spouse's driving record will be taken into account for your auto insurance, even if he/she won't be listed as an insured on that vehicle. That any bill your spouse will incur while you're married, whether or not you know about it, you will held liable. That should you decide to separate, you will still hold all of the financial and legal obligations of marriage. If that's what the funds were paying for, I'd be all for it.

But it's not. It's paying for billboards to promote marriage (because, sure, once I see a billboard, then I'll be dying to wed!), it's promoting marriage education in high school (oh, please don't talk to my daughter about marriage in high school! But you're welcome to talk to her about credit card debt!), it's to pay for even more studies to say that two parents are better than one. Because Ann C (or, as I normally call her, stupid f**ing c**t b***h whore) needs another book to release next year.

Again, I'm not against marriage. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm against it for me. But I'm not against it for everyone.

Still, I think this legislation is worth opposing for the simple reason that I can think of about 100 other things where that funding could go that would better support all children. Here's a partial list:

• Public schools, of course. You all know how I feel about the state of education these days. We're about to start another budget fight. Putting more federal money in public schools certainly couldn't hurt.

• After-school programs. You want to cut down on juvenile crime? Give these kids some place to go and something to do.
• Child support services. Help the single parents get the money their children need.
• Exempting single parents from being held financially responsible for their ex's debt. If you know Kori, you'll know that she's paying off her deadbeat's bills right now because they were incurred while they were legally wed. Given that he's not paying child support, and she's supporting her children on her own, I think the least the government could do is get these creditors off her back.
  
• Give us our money back! Why in the world are you paying for billboards when you could be going after the banks that are now solvent!!
  

If you're happily married (or just contentedly married), if you're single (by choice or not), if for any reason, you're not cool with the government spending money promoting marriage, then please sign AtMP's petition.

This national disaster will thank you!

*edited to correct petition link

Ranting about homework

So we're all fine and all, just haven't been inspired lately. But today, I'm inspired to rant about stupid, pointless homework that makes me crazy and costs my daughters sleep. And my sanity.

Last night, we had the PTA meeting so we didn't get home until after 8 pm, and while they'd both done some homework at the Club, they had more to do. Riley had 5 pages (!) of Math homework. She was on the last page at 10 pm, and was starting to nod off, so I sent her to bed.

In the meantime, Sylvia was in the middle of the most insipid homework assignment I've ever seen. For each of her 25 vocabulary words, she had to do what I think they call step-ladders. Here's an example of what she had to write.

insipid
i
in
ins
insi
insip
insipi
insipid

It took her nearly two hours (or, as she put it, the entire cast recording of In the Heights). And the last thing she wanted to do were the two extra-credit "bonus" words. I just wanted her to go to bed already. Neither of them were excited to get up and go back to school this morning.

This happened to take place on the same day that I received GreatSchools.net's email on homework. I should not have been stunned (but I was) to learn that the 10-minute per grade rule comes from absolutely nowhere.

“The source [of that figure] was a teacher who walked up to me after a workshop I did about 25 years ago,” says [Harris] Cooper. “I’d put up a chart showing middle school kids who reported doing an hour to an hour and a half were doing just as well as high schoolers doing two hours a night. The teacher said, ‘That sounds like the 10-minute rule.’" He adds with a laugh, "I stole the idea.”

He adds with a laugh?!? Well, thank you so much for taking this topic seriously, Mr. Cooper. It must puff your self-importance up sufficiently to read all the painstaking efforts that teachers and parents have been agonizing over to ensure that our students live up to your little joke.

I'm getting ready to throw in the towel, people. Clearly, nobody knows anything on how to educate our children in a manner that will best suit their needs, or our country's needs. Teachers' unions just want to protect their unions. Politicians only care about test scores. Parents are supposed to care just enough to make their teacher's copies, and sit back quietly, thank you. And students? Well, your life's destiny was pre-determined back in pre-school. You either went to the right school or you didn't. Welcome to the ranks of community college, then transfer to your state's university, then get an average job, and spend the next 15 years paying off your student loans. Oh, and it doesn't matter what you study or what you think you know. You'll do the position the way that you're trained to do the position because everything is on-the-job training and all the academics was just to make sure your resume didn't get thrown away.

I'm really starting to wonder why I care so much. Even if I do want them to think critically and for themselves, what will it get them in life? After all, it is their lives, not mine.

The night before last, I'd been helping Sylvia with her Algebra homework. I was doing fine keeping her on track until it came to some stupid word problem that she was to convert into an algebraic equation. I had no clue how to do it. She had to fly solo. So of course, I felt inadequate at that point. At the same time, I struggled through math throughout my academic career, and managed to find work that doesn't require me to do math.

Math has been Riley's strong suit, but this year, she's doubting herself more. It's harder, and she feels like all the other students in her class are better at it than she is. I did the whole, "all you have to do is your best, it doesn't matter how anyone else is doing." Didn't really help her feel any better, though.

What's the point of all this homework, all this time and energy we're all spending on it, if it just leaves us feeling inadequate, irritated and tired? Do I really care if either of them don't go onto a career in science or medicine? And why should I care when it's going to be up to them in the end?

The PTA meeting was great. But by the time I went to bed at midnight, I just wanted it to be the weekend again and the last thing I want to ask the girls about today is their homework!

One of those mothers

What struck me most about See Mom Run were the confessions in a majority of the essays about a previous resolve that went by the wayside when reality set in.

We all hope to avoid becoming one of those mothers - whatever stereotype we're trying to avoid.

So here are my confessions of being one of those mothers.

I am one of those mothers that will put my child's hair in a ponytail to hide the tangles.

I am one of those mothers that put a TV in my girls' room because I couldn't stand to listen to Spongebob one.more.time.

I am one of those mothers that didn't attend Sylvia's Back-to-School Night because I forgot that it was that night.

I am one of those mothers that doesn't really enjoy playing games with my girls. They get way too competitive and fun soon turns to fight.

I am one of those mothers that let my middle schooler have a cell phone.

I am one of those mothers that yells at my girls sometimes. I've gotten better about this in the past year, but it happens. All I can do is what I can do.

I am one of those mothers that enjoys feeling superior to the families that appear on SuperNanny.

I am one of those mothers that will let the girls stay up past their bedtime so we can all watch Glee together.

I am one of those mothers that doesn't keep a spotless home.

I am one of those mothers that believes in picking my battles. I'll change the rules on the girls when I feel like something has to change. I'll let the girls watch SpongeBob in their room so I can finally get the living room back in order or do some laundry. Or watch a grown-up show with a glass of wine.

I am frighteningly aware of all the girls' imperfections, and my own. I am also aware that our time together is getting shorter and shorter. So sometimes I'll choose instead to just cuddle with them. To allow for singing and dancing around the house. I'll endure sibling rivalry because I know in the end, these girls will be each other's best friends for life, and they'll grow out of it. And I'll have too many hours to myself to clean the house without interruption in just a few short years.

In spite of all our imperfections, I'm one of those mothers that loves my girls unconditionally, and they know that in their hearts.

*This post is part of SV Moms book club.

My decade of Motherhood

My first daughter was born in 1997. In 2000, I welcomed my second. Ten years later, I have more than a decade of being a mother under my belt. And I don't feel anything like a veteran, even though it's the longest-running title I've held.

Back during Y2K, I was just about to start a new job. I was married, living in San Jose, mother of one. I thought my life was just starting to settle. Since then, I've had another child, moved to Pittsburgh and Rochester, NY, then left my husband and came home to L.A. to start again as a single mom.

Two years ago, I did not want to think of my life as settled at all. I could only survive single motherhood if it were just for the day.

Now, I hope nothing changes. Of course, as a mother, I know it will always change. These girls just keep on growing, and changing on me when I least expect it.

And now I know that nothing will ever make me feel that as a mother, I am settled. My oldest daughter used to just put on whatever clothes I lay in front of her. Now she spends hours fretting about what to wear, and if she fits in. While my younger daughter's hands still feel small in mine, her legs are longer, her mind is quick-witted.

They love me so much that they constantly test me. They look at me defiantly, they try out laughs and smiles on me, they try something new without me, then they run excitedly to me to tell me all about it.

I will never stop being blown away by how much I mean to them. Of course, they mean everything to me, but I didn't expect it to work the other way around.

They're in their room, playing now. I'm waiting it out until they grow tired of each other, as is bound to happen. I'll tell them to take their baths, I'll make their dinners, we'll watch TV later together. I'll kiss them good night, and tomorrow I will tell them it's time to get dressed, to eat their breakfast, it's time to go.

I'll complain about having to nag them to do it so often. And then one of them will make us all burst into laughter. And I'll love how little has changed, and how each development simply makes us all stronger and better.

This decade, my role as their mother will change dramatically as they go to high school, then to college or whatever comes next. I'll stay up late, waiting for them to come home at curfew. I won't have to get a babysitter to go see a play. I will have to focus more on training them to be less dependent on me.

But through the decade, and all the decades to come, I will always be their mother.

Originally posted on LA Moms Blog, Jan. 1, 2010.